Destroy Me

by K. D. Carrillo

  Reed crossed the room to me and dropped his large hands on my shoulders. With a bit of effort he managed to turn me around to face him.

  “I’m sorry,” he apologized staring intently in my eyes. “I reacted wrong. You think I’d blame you, or be disgusted. That wasn’t what was going through my mind. I know you Katie. I know that you’d never want a permanent record of something so intimate. I was afraid of what it would have meant for you if that kind of video existed.”

  His love and concern for me always surprised me. One minute I feared the worst, and then he always reminded me to have faith in us, in him.

  “We should pack. What does one wear to fight their demons?” I asked him, trying to lighten the mood.

  Reed scowled at me. Obviously he did not appreciate my attempt at humor. After a minute he rolled his eyes. “Why’d you marry a soldier if you were going to continue to fight your own battles?”

  I tapped my finger on my chin pretending to think. I was so grateful he was playing along. If I dwelled too long on the past I’d start to feel sorry for myself. Considering the tall, dark hunk of hotness in front of me I didn’t have a reason to pity myself anymore.

  “Why’d I marry a soldier?” I repeated. “I didn’t marry you to fight for me, but next to me. Well that, and you have a remarkable ass.”

  His eyebrow cocked up. “Is that so?”

  I took a step back, then another.

  The look in his eyes turned heated and he stalked forward. “Run, Katie,” he ordered.

  I squealed and ran toward the stairs followed by the heavy thud of Reed’s boots on the floor.

  On my way up the stairs I heard Becca laugh and tell Aiden, “Those two are going to end up having ten kids.”

  Chapter 41

  Kate

  Two days and several states later we pulled into the parking lot of a budget rate hotel in my hometown. The room smelled like cleaning solution, which I took as a good sign, but the bed was hard, the pillows flat, and all the furniture was bolted in place. I’d stayed in many places like this after I ran from this town. It was only fitting to stay in one when I had to come back.

  Unfortunately, it was only late afternoon when we drove into town. I’d hoped to arrive late at night to delay contacting John’s family for one more day. But the longer I put it off the longer Reed and I would have to hang around this town. The only view I wanted of Highland was from the rearview mirror.

  My hands shook as I reached for the phone book to find the number for John’s mom, Jennie Brandt. I preferred to call while Reed was down getting our bags out of the car, or he would try and stop me, or do it for me. I knew he didn’t want me watching the videos, and I didn’t plan on it, but I had to be the one to deal with his family.

  After a couple of tries, and a few misdialed buttons, I managed to dial the number listed for Terry and Jennie Brandt. Since John’s death I’d learned that Terry, his father, died two years ago from a heart attack. John was a sadistic ass, but his parents were decent people, and despite his shortcomings his mother loved him. I felt for her loss, but I didn’t feel it was my place to extend my condolences to her.

  The phone rang a few times before she answered. “Hello, Brandt residence,” she greeted.

  “Hi Mrs. Brandt, it’s Ka…Ana,” I fumbled.

  “My, I never thought I’d hear from you again,” she replied shocked.

  “I know, and you wouldn’t have,” I admitted.

  “You’ve heard then?” she asked.

  “Yes, and I’m very sorry. I need a favor, and I hate to ask, but if I’m right something John might have had can help catch who murdered him.” It seemed like the appropriate thing to say to her. To make it sound like I cared that John was dead. I couldn’t exactly admit to her that his death made me feel freer than I had in years.

  “Ana, I know that my John was not a very good husband to you. He was ill. His dad and I don’t know why he turned out that way. We never laid a hand on that boy. But I believe he had a good heart, and if he’d just gotten help…” she rambled.

  “Mrs. Brandt, what John did to me and my brother wasn’t your fault or Mr. Brandt’s. He definitely needed therapy. Who knows, maybe he could have turned his life around. We will never know now.”

  “What I do know is that I need answers, and so do you. I need to know who told John where I was. We find that and you will get closure and find out who killed your son,” I told her.

  “What could I possibly have that would give us these answers? When I went to get his body I was given a box with some old clothes and his laptop,” she replied.

  “Was there a camera? Anything that records videos?” I asked.

  “No, nothing. You know except for the laptop cam, otherwise nothing,” she babbled.

  “Can we come and see the laptop tomorrow?” I cringed once the words left my mouth. I hadn’t meant to say “we.” Jennie seemed flighty, but she was actually a very astute woman, and rarely missed anything. Well anything besides her son's violent behavior.

  “Who’s with you? You said we,” she pressed.

  I winced. “My husband.”

  “You remarried? I’d always hoped John would be able to win you back. You know Terry and I believed that marriage was forever. He had a lot to make up to you, but you were his wife,” she lectured, losing focus.

  My teeth clenched. I had hoped to avoid this conversation. We would never see eye to eye about John, but the last thing I wanted to do was to argue with her about her son. She had already lost enough. She shouldn’t have to lose the quasi-positive image she retained of her son. She didn’t have much else left.

  “Mrs. Brandt, I don’t want to argue with you. There wasn’t a single thing John could have done to make me forgive him, let alone be with him again. Can we come over tomorrow and take a look or not?”

  “Yes, dear, come over around noon. You know where the house is,” she replied.

  I hung up the phone and dropped my head into my hands.

  “Did she agree?” Reed asked, causing me to jump out of my skin.

  “Yeah,” I confirmed, and lifted my head.

  He sat next to me and linked our hands together. Our wedding rings lined up next to each other, and seeing that I felt strong again. He was my other half, the one who would watch my back and fight by my side.

  “We should get some rest. Tomorrow is going to be tough, and then we will still need to go to the cemetery,” Reed advised.

  I squeezed my hand in his. “I want to leave after we speak to Mrs. Brandt tomorrow.”

  Reed cocked his head sideways. “What about your other reason for coming here?”

  “It’s still early,” I said gesturing to the light coming in through the curtains.

  “It’s nearly sundown,” Reed argued.

  “I feel strong enough to face it now. I don’t want to lose my nerve,” I admitted.

  He grabbed his keys and we drove the short distance to the cemetery. I hadn’t been there in eight years, but I remembered the location of their graves as if I’d been there every day.

  I directed Reed to drive around a copse of trees and toward a small man made pond. He pulled over to the side of the street, and waited in the truck while I walked up the row toward their graves, located near a single willow tree.

  A weeping willow to guard over my parents seemed fitting to me. Cameron and I would morn their loss for the rest of our lives. We may not feel it as profoundly as that first moment we got the news, but grief would always be with us.

  I sunk down to my knees on my mother’s grave. I felt silly speaking to slabs of rock with their names carved in them. Their souls weren’t rooted to this tiny patch of earth any more than I was rooted to this small town.

  Still I found myself babbling to her like I did that last morning I saw her. I plucked at a few blades of grass and poured out every random thought that entered my head. “I got married, Mom. I wished you were there. I couldn’t face getting dressed up without you. I didn’t want to walk
out that door without Daddy waiting to lead me to Reed.”

  “Is that really why you wanted to elope?” he asked surprising me.

  I blinked several times and couldn’t find words.

  “Thank God,” he muttered. “I wanted to marry you so badly that I didn’t push. I was afraid though, that you didn’t want anyone to know. I thought you were ashamed of me,” he confessed.

  “How could I ever be ashamed of you?” I asked confused.

  “I’ve let you down. Your ex-husband was able to torment you for weeks before he was killed and I couldn’t stop it. Pratt nearly shot you and he is still several steps ahead of me. I’ve let a lot of people down. Becca was abducted and nearly killed while I was trying to help them. Then there was my friend, James,” he rambled.

  “James, the one from your unit? He was the one killed in battle you were injured in?” I interrupted.

  “I tried to save him, but by the time I realized that the intel we’d received put us in an ambush, he was already shot,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken.

  “But what does that tragedy have to do with us?” I asked him.

  Reed lowered his voice. “What if I can’t protect you? What would you need me for if I can’t keep bad things from happening to you?”

  “We are quite the pair aren’t we? I love you, Reed. You can’t save everyone from every hurt, no matter how much you want to. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward.”

  He opened his mouth to speak, and I put my finger against his lips to silence him. “I’m hurting right now, and you can’t stop it. But you can hold me tonight and make it more bearable.”

  “First let’s go for a walk through the square I saw when we drove in. I want you to tell me some good memories you have of this place. That way when we leave here tomorrow those will be the moments you keep with you,” he suggested.

  I kissed his cheek and whispered, “See, already you’ve made it a little easier.”

  Chapter 42

  Reed

  “Wake up,” Kate prodded.

  “Ugh,” I groaned and rolled over.

  “Reed.” She rocked me back and forth. “We need to get ready to go to Mrs. Brandt’s.”

  I tried to pull the covers over my head, but Kate wrestled them away. On my second attempt to block out the lamp she insisted on turning on she straddled me and held my arms above my head. It wouldn’t take much effort to free myself, but the view was much more interesting if I stayed still.

  “If my memory is correct, you in this position is why I’m so tired this morning,” I groaned. I slipped my hands easily out of her hold, and grasped her hips to stop her movements.

  “I didn’t hear you complaining last night,” she said, rocking slowly back and forth.

  “You have about three seconds to decide if you want me to get out of this bed, or if you want to be pinned down to it,” I warned.

  Kate bent down and licked the shell of my ear.

  “Time’s up,” I said, and flipped us over, pinning her underneath me.

  “But we both need to take showers,” she shrieked.

  “Great idea.” I jumped out of bed and tossed her over my good shoulder.

  “Reed! Where are you taking me?” she demanded.

  “We’re going to take a shower.” I continued toward the bathroom letting the water heat up as I slowly stripped away her clothes.

  “We’re never going to make it at this rate,” she commented, pulling at my t-shirt.

  I chuckled. “Katie, it’s only ten o’clock.”

  “Oh. Why did we sleep so late?” she asked surprised.

  Last night we walked around the square. Kate was tense when we first arrived. There was some sort of local music festival going on with garage bands competing to win the gig playing the Highland High School Prom, and it seemed to have brought out the entire town.

  We held hands, and milled around aimlessly. I tugged on her hand to get her attention. “Tell me something, any memory, but make it a good one.”

  She looked over her shoulder to the middle of the square. “Okay. I’ve got a good story for you, but I want to tell it over there.” She pointed to the fountain, and walked toward it.

  The water shot out of the fountain, and frothed over the sides glowing an unnatural shade of blue. I started to dip my fingers into the water, but the frigid temperature felt like needles pricking my skin.

  “Shit,” I muttered trying to shake the freezing droplets from my skin.

  Kate laughed a loud body-shaking laugh. “Imagine what it would be like to jump in.”

  “Why the hell would I jump in there?” I asked confused.

  She shook her head with a giant smile on her face. “For our thirteenth birthday my parents planned a huge party for Cameron and me. Cam and his friends went with my dad, and my friends and I hung with my mom. Then we joined our parties with a scavenger hunt around town.

  “Cam used to be a huge practical joker. He spied on our parents, to learn what his present was naturally, and instead found out about the hunt. He changed most of our clues, so we had to look for the next one in really weird places. One of my friends had to climb a tree. Another one had to go into the boy’s bathroom at the baseball field. Cam saved the best for me. He placed my final clue into a plastic bag and weighted it down to the bottom of the fountain.

  “Cam and his friends, every popular boy in seventh grade, stood around laughing. I couldn’t let him win like that. I kicked off my shoes, and climbed in. It felt like millions of needles being forced into my skin, but I waded toward the middle to retrieve my clue.

  “My brother and his friends spent so much time trying to sabotage me and my friends that they didn’t spend any time trying to figure out their clues. With my clue, my friends and I figured out to go to the dance hall my parents booked, and got to pick out the music.”

  “How did that work out for him?” I asked her.

  “Uh, great, if you like angry girl rock,” she said laughing.

  I laughed in return. Her good humor was contagious. “So not great then.”

  Kate stared off to the distance. “You know what I remember most?” she whispered.

  “What, Katie girl?”

  “Three years later, also on my birthday, the boy I was dating for all of my sophomore year dumped me. I left the party, and came here. My mom followed and sat next to me. I haven’t thought about that night in years,” she answered with a sad smile on her face.

  “What did she say? You were supposed to tell me a happy memory. The look on your face doesn’t make this look like a happy memory,” I reminded her.

  “It’s bitter sweet, because there will never be another moment like that. Anyway,” she paused, wiping away tears. “My mom said, ‘Ana, I know tonight is hard. I promise you someday you’ll find a boy who won’t leave you crying at your own party. Until then I’ll be here to listen and bring ice cream. If for some reason I’m not around one day remember something for me. Life is messy, at least if you are really living. And if you aren’t, then you’re wasting a wonderful gift.’ I took the pint of Ben and Jerry’s from her and took for granted that she was telling the truth about being here for me.”

  Kate turned her face away, and tried to covertly wipe away more tears. Gently, I grabbed her chin and turned her face back toward mine.

  “Should we go? I didn’t want to make you cry. This was a bad idea,” I said regretfully.

  She sniffled and shook her head. “No, I want to stay. Even though it’s hard. The best way out is through, at least that’s what my mom used to say. I wonder what she would have thought about the life I’ve lived since they died. I always wanted them to be proud of me, but how could they be proud of me after I married John, letting that monster nearly kill my brother, or running scared for the last several years.”

  I looked deep into her chocolate colored eyes. “Because you made it through. I’m proud of you. Life isn’t about never making a mistake. It’s how you rise abo
ve and keep moving forward.”

  Kate smiled, even though there were tears rolling down her face. “My mom would have liked you.”

  She wiped off her face again, and stood up. “I have an idea of somewhere we can go.”

  The naughty smirk on her face peaked my interest. “Where?”

  “There’s an old field on the edge of town. It’s overgrown with weeds, and the old man who owned it never goes out there. It’s possible that someone else owns it now, but we could go see,” she suggested.

  “And what do people do out in this field?” I asked, but I had a pretty good guess.

  She shrugged. “Not sure. I’ve never been out there. I’ve driven past, but never stopped. That doesn’t mean that you don’t hear things in a town this size.”

  “What are we going to do?” I tried to push her to say it.

  She winked at me. “We are going to live.”

  A stream of cold water hit me in the face snapping me out of my reverie. “What the hell!” I shouted.

  “Where did you go? You stared off into space for a while. It kinda freaked me out,” Kate told me.

  I reached out and pulled her under the cold water. “Holy shit!” she yelled.

  Kate turned the water temperature up. “Where did you go?” she asked me again.

  “Back to last night,” I answered.

  “Last night was good. Let’s make right now even better,” she whispered.

  “I thought we were in a hurry,” I muttered around her lips as she kissed me.

  “We’ll make it,” she assured me as her lips trailed down my chest.

  She continued to place kisses down my chest. My head fell back and hit the wall of the shower. When her lips wrapped around me, my eyes shot open. I chanted her name over and over, first to ask her to stop and then to beg her to continue.

  Out of the shower all I wanted to do was go back to bed, pull the blankets over our heads and ignore the task ahead of us, but I couldn’t do that. Pretending and avoiding would not make the problem go away. Like Kate said, the only way out was through.