Montauk

by Nicola Harrison

  Temporary structures formed walls at strange angles so that when you were in one room you couldn’t see into another and you’d turn one corner and almost lose yourself in a space that you thought you knew so well, a space that you had wandered all summer long. Decorators from the city had used the large Tudor windows to orient each room. Many of the rooms had some form of entertainment, a gypsy psychic, a magician, a card table. The farthest room, out back by the service entrance, was draped with scarlet fabric and accents of red—a strange choice I thought, but maybe it was to be a sultry room, the passionate room, the place where lovers would meet at the end of the night to make promises that would never be kept.

  * * *

  My mask was enormous and even more extravagant and wild than Dolly had promised. The face was intricate gold filigree that perfectly fit the contours of my face, set with a sparkling blue gem, the color of a Ceylon sapphire. Masses of deep purple feathers about twelve inches long all curved forward to frame my face. Delicate lavender feathers were interspersed, picking up the color of my gown. It was a Venetian splendor, an exquisite creation of whimsy that only she could have imagined. I tied it on and it had a transformative power. My hair was pulled back from my face and when I looked in the mirror I was unrecognizable. I just hoped that Thomas would find me before Harry.

  Once Elizabeth and Patrick received their masks they stuck together and walked around the perimeter of the room, taking it all in. They seemed excited but a little anxious, as if they weren’t supposed to be there. When trays of canapés were brought around and held in front of them to make their selection, Elizabeth didn’t seem to know what to do, looking to Patrick to take the lead. Patrick was less shy, heaping four onto a napkin.

  Within fifteen minutes they were on the edge of the dance floor, moving hesitantly to the music. They looked happy together even in their uncertainty, and I always felt that about them, that no matter what situation they were in, they were in it together. I wished I could enjoy the moment like them, instead of worrying so much, just hoping to get through the night.

  Scanning the crowd as best I could through the slanted eyes of my mask, I searched for Thomas. Many of the men wore simple masks in black or silver. I looked for height and then I looked for pants and shoes, but the main room was already so crowded it was hard to pick out one man from another.

  My eyes darted from one man to the next. I wondered if I’d keep a respectable distance from him when I eventually found him, or would my hands go instinctively to his? Would all logic leave me, knowing what I was about to share with him? I looked from one mouth to another. I would know his lips, no doubt about that, his kind smile. I was desperate to explain my distance from him, to change the stories he’d made up in his mind about why I had stayed away, but I knew with just a few words he’d understand everything. A sudden panicked thought intruded: What if he didn’t come? What if he thought my absence from him meant I’d had a change of heart? I had to find him.

  The jazz quartet grew louder and livelier and several couples began dancing. One couple seemed so connected, so in tune, anticipating each other’s every move, as if they were made to be together, that I stopped and stared; others did, too. They were mesmerizing.

  By the bar I heard a loud roar of laughter and recognized Harry’s voice. I stopped in my tracks. He already sounded a little drunk. I pressed myself against the column out of sight. How could he be drunk already? The night had barely begun. I stood for a moment and listened. The usual banter.

  “Another round!” one of the gents called out. “To celebrate.”

  There was a clinking of glasses and some “hear, hears.” “To Harry!” someone shouted out. “To Harry, you old bugger,” another said. “We didn’t think you had it in you!”

  “To Harry,” another called out, “and to the kid!”

  I almost doubled over. He had told them already, without even waiting to speak to me.

  “And to your wife!” someone called out as an afterthought.

  “To my wife,” Harry repeated. “She’s around here somewhere.”

  It would only be a matter of time before the women would know about the pregnancy and start congratulating me, too. I had to find Thomas.

  I quickly walked by the dining room where the tables were set up and then I went into the powder room so I could take off my mask and think. Kathleen and Clarissa were in there, powdering their noses, and I looked around for Jeanie.

  “Don’t worry; she’s not here,” Kathleen said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Jeanie, she just left. Ever since you told her off at Dolly’s store she seems to have it in for you, Beatrice, but you must have done something else to rock her boat.”

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake,” I said, “I haven’t done anything to Jeanie; she seems to be quite capable of rocking her own boat.” I glanced at Clarissa, who was eyeing me as she pushed another cigarette into her holder and lit a match.

  “Really?” Clarissa said. “How so?”

  I took a deep breath, relieved that I had Jeanie’s lingerie in my pocketbook should I need to urge her to keep quiet about anything she might know. But this was not the time to be creating more strife with Jeanie, or any of the women for that matter; I had my own trouble to deal with.

  “Never mind.”

  “No, go on, tell us. We’d love to know, wouldn’t we, Kathleen, just how Jeanie might be rocking the boat.”

  Kathleen giggled. Maybe they knew about her affair with Winthrop, but I didn’t want to get involved, unless I had to.

  “How are you liking the ball so far?” I asked.

  “Quite nice,” Kathleen said, “but I thought I’d love seeing everyone in their masks and talking to tall dark handsome strangers, not just our husbands for once, but I’m realizing I don’t like to talk to people unless I know who they are and what they look like.”

  “Me too.” Clarissa continued looking at herself in the mirror. “What if he’s a beast under that mask and we spent half an hour chatting, and what if he’s a local? I mean it’s fine, but there are certain things that are appropriate to discuss and certain things that are not. I don’t think the masks were a good idea for this type of ball.”

  “I was talking to one man, he looked quite dashing from afar, but he got a little too close and his breath smelled like fish!” Kathleen and Clarissa burst into fits of laughter.

  “Must have had his dinner at the docks,” Clarissa said. “Maybe he didn’t know there’d be two dinners tonight and enough canapés for a small country!”

  I couldn’t listen to them anymore, so I left the powder room, scanned the dance floor area one more time and checked that Harry was still installed in the back bar drinking. I was about to head to the front of the room and check with the welcoming committee to see if Thomas had checked in when I felt a hand grab mine.

  It was him.

  Finally, I could breathe and the relief I felt took over. I wanted to fall into his arms. All the tension, worry, fear, that I’d been carrying dissolved with his touch. I held his hand a moment longer and squeezed, fingers interlocked with mine and my whole body warmed. This, being with him, however inconvenient, however ungraceful and life changing it was going to be, was the most real thing I’d felt. Slowly I turned toward him.

  “Hello, beautiful,” he said quietly, lifting the back of my hand to his lips and kissing it gently.

  “I didn’t know if I’d recognize you.”

  “I’d know you anywhere.” He lightly touched his thumb to my collarbone. I wanted to kiss him right there in front of everyone, but I stepped back slightly, reluctantly.

  “I’ve missed you,” I whispered. “Let’s get out of here before someone sees us.” I glanced back to the bar in the corner of the room, but they were out of my line of sight.

  The music ended and everyone turned toward the stage and clapped. The singer brought the microphone to the center and looked down to the floor. The bass strummed a few notes and he began to sing sl
owly, softly. His voice was beautiful and the dance floor filled up and people began to sway, mask to mask and chin to shoulder, gentlemen’s hands between their partners’ shoulder blades, guiding their way. Each couple began to form one gliding body, moving in time with the singer’s smooth voice.

  “Just one dance,” Thomas said, whispering into my ear. He could have been any one of them at the Manor. His body looked powerful and elegant in a tuxedo jacket, his shoes polished, his shirt white and pressed. I was bursting with the news of the baby and wanted to tell him right away, but I’d waited this long, I could wait one more song. He took my hand and held it in his, putting his other hand on the small of my back. I leaned into him, closed my eyes and took his lead.

  When the song was in its final notes I looked to Thomas, then whispered in his ear, “I have something to tell you.”

  “Tell me,” he said, our bodies pressed against each other’s in front of all these people. “Will it explain why you haven’t been coming ’round lately?”

  “We should go,” I said, but really I didn’t want to move. To be held by him in this room full of people who knew the other me, who knew nothing of the life I was so close to living, I stretched up on my toes and put my lips right next to his ear, the words already on my tongue.

  “I love you, Thomas, and I’m having our baby.” I felt his body stop for a moment; he moved away slightly so he could see my face, but of course we were masked. He pulled me back into his arms tightly.

  “I thought you couldn’t,” he whispered.

  “That was before I met you,” I said.

  He held me close to him. I could almost hear the questions spinning in his mind.

  “Are you sure?” he whispered.

  “Absolutely sure now; I just got word from the doctor.”

  “But…”

  His hesitancy scared me. “But what?”

  “Well, is it mine?”

  I began to pull away, horrified he’d ask.

  “Wait.” He held me. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean—”

  “Why would you ask such a thing?” I said. “You know my situation. You are the only one; you’ve been the only one ever since I met you.” That horrific night with Harry ripping at my clothes and shoving me against the wall flashed through my head and out again. That didn’t count. That was repulsive and hateful. Life is not created through acts of hate and violence. And knowing that truth, thinking of Harry hurting me that way, would crush Thomas. I could never tell him.

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

  “I was waiting for confirmation, I didn’t want you to get your hopes up if it was a false alarm, but I could tell all along,” I said. I looked up at him.

  “Promise you’ll stay and be with me,” he whispered in my ear. “I want you to stay with me forever. We’ll be a family.”

  “I want that more than anything else in the world,” I said, and as I did I felt the tears fill my eyes. “There is absolutely nothing that could make me change my mind.”

  Nothing had ever felt this right. We weren’t even dancing; we were just holding each other, completely entranced and in our own world. I knew we should move. The music stopped and the other couples turned to give a round of applause. I snapped to attention. “We’ve got to get out of here,” I said. We couldn’t risk being seen like this, not yet. Harry was too close.

  I let go of him and stepped away; then he hooked my finger, very lightly, onto his as he led me through the crowd away from the dance floor, away from the jazz quartet, away from all of it.

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “Anywhere.” We walked past the beautifully decorated rooms to the very last one, blue in color, where it was quiet and private, or so we thought.

  A bored-looking fortune-teller looked up from her table. The creases in her skin were so deep they looked as if they’d been drawn on.

  “Welcome,” she said, her face suddenly animated. “Please sit and I will tell you your future and your fortune.” She ran her hands over an imaginary ball with a flourish.

  “No, thank you,” I said.

  “Don’t you want to know what the future holds?”

  I smiled at Thomas.

  “We don’t need to,” Thomas said, and he took my hand and led me back out of the room and down the long corridor.

  I felt giddy like a schoolgirl trying not to get caught. I stopped him in the hallway and kissed him quickly. He led me into the next room, took off my mask, and we kissed again. I wanted to leave the party. None of this mattered anymore. I began to feel careless, reckless, excited. Now that he knew, I didn’t even care what Harry thought, but that was just the elation of the moment making me senseless.

  “We need a plan,” he said, turning serious. “Do you want me to get all of your things out of your room tonight? I can get someone to help us, and I can ask Patrick to meet us with a car in back and just get it all done.”

  “Wait, I think we should wait it out just a little longer,” I said. “Until all the city folk head back to the city. I’ll leave as planned right after the weekend.”

  “But why?”

  “So as not to raise suspicion. I’m scared of what Harry will do when he finds out. I need to go back to the city as planned and then the minute he leaves for work the next day I’ll gather a few belongings and come back on the train.”

  “I’ll come and get you,” he said.

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to. And besides, I have to make sure you don’t change your mind, once you get there.” We kissed again. It all felt like something out of a fairy tale. “That means you have to keep up this act for another week?”

  “I can do it,” I said. “I’ve been doing okay so far, but Jeanie knows something, and I’m really scared of what Harry might do if he ever finds out.”

  “Okay, we’ll do whatever it takes.” He took my face in his hands. “I’ve been wanting to go to Connecticut to see Tommy; I could go this weekend and remove the temptation for us to see each other. I’ve got a few days’ leave I need to take.”

  “That’s a wonderful idea.”

  “I’m going to take your advice and give him the knife I made for him in person. I made him a leather holder for it. He might not get my letters, but at least he’ll see that I think about him all the time, when I’m up at the light.”

  I felt so full of love for Thomas and for this boy I hadn’t even met.

  He smiled. “And I’m going to tell Tommy about you. I’m going to ask him to come and visit once we’re all settled.”

  “I would love that.” I felt my world falling into place, a real family, however unconventional.

  We heard heavy footsteps making their way down the hall, so we stepped inside a little more and pressed ourselves against the wall. Then the footsteps stopped and a man popped his head ’round the door. I recognized his large, red face but couldn’t place him.

  “Here she is!” he called out, and two other men walked into the room. As they entered, Thomas instinctively stepped in front of me, his arms protecting me, to shield me. Except that what he didn’t know was who he was shielding me from.

  “Harry,” I said, stepping out from behind Thomas.

  “Where have you been?” he asked. “I was looking for you everywhere.” He stumbled a little, then found his footing.

  “Goodness, I’ve been looking for you, too. I had to come down early to arrange the presenters,” I rambled, but Harry looked from me to Thomas and the expression on his face spelled confusion and building rage. I couldn’t see Thomas’s face, but he must have had that same sinking feeling I had, that his one, instinctive action to shield me could have revealed too much.

  “Who the hell is this?” Harry spit; his breath smelled of bourbon.

  “This, this is Thomas Brown. The lighthouse keeper,” I said. “From the lighthouse. He’s presenting the stage.”

  Harry scrunched up his face. “What stage?”

  “The stage for the s
chool. I told you about it; I thought I had.”

  Thomas would want to confront this head-on, tell the truth, face the facts and take a punch in the face if he had to, but I knew that wouldn’t solve anything, not now, not seeing the frightening reality of Harry in front of me.

  “Thomas,” he said, holding out his hand. “Thomas Brown.” Harry just looked at his hand until Thomas lowered it and the two men stood and stared at one each other for what felt like a long while. Finally, Harry broke away from Thomas’s gaze and grabbed my wrist hard.

  “Beatrice, let’s go,” he said. “We need to talk.” And he pulled me toward the door.

  “Wait,” Thomas said, grabbing my other wrist. “Just hold on a second.” I felt myself getting pulled in both directions.

  Harry stopped in his tracks, dropped my wrist and turned slowly toward Thomas, carefully lifting his eyes from Thomas’s hand on my wrist, to his chest, to his face. They stood face-to-face, almost the same height. “No, you hold on a second,” Harry growled. “That’s my wife’s wrist you’re holding, and if you don’t let go I’m going to have you arrested.”

  I stood in the doorway. Harry’s back was to me and Thomas’s eyes flashed to mine.

  “It’s okay,” I said, willing my voice to be strong and not to quiver. “We’ve gone over all the arrangements. Jeanie will let you know what time you’re needed onstage. Probably soon, right after we donate the check, so the children can perform and then everyone can get drunk,” I tried to joke. “Best to get the kids back to their beds before the real party begins.” No one was laughing. Thomas’s face looked pained, as if I were asking him to do the impossible and just let me walk away. It’s just a few more days, I told myself, hoping he could somehow read my thoughts.

  Harry clenched my wrist again and we walked into the now heaving, swelling party, along the edge of the dance floor and toward the bar. He grabbed a martini off a tray as we passed it, and knocked it back. Then he grabbed a second. From the corner of my eye I saw a masked man with horns, who’d clearly become a little too familiar with the bar, tumble into Harry’s side, hard, sending the contents of his drink, olives and all, down the back of the woman standing next to him.