Almost Loved

by Mira Toria

  He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “I don’t want to wake up one morning to find you gone. It was easier for me to drop you off at home, to see you walk away, than to imagine waking up without answers.”

  “I would never leave you without saying goodbye.” This was a promise she could keep. She couldn’t ever imagine leaving him, but she wasn’t foolish enough to believe it wasn’t possible.

  Hale didn’t say anything else and Lyris had a feeling he was lost in his own world. The fear in his voice wasn’t far from hers when she was lost to her demons. They were so intent on believing in the worst, they couldn’t understand when someone else couldn’t see it the way they did.

  “Bradley was mine,” she said quietly. “He was the only person I had ever spent the night with. He was my first everything. This isn’t just a step for you.” It was harder to admit this out loud than she expected. Saying everything out loud just made it seem more real. “The only person I was ever with. . . sometimes I think it would’ve been easier not to have the answers for what he did than to live with the ones I got.”

  “No you don’t.” He pulled her close, his hold secure and safe. “I know you well enough to know that if someone knocked on your door with answers, you’d let them in. Even when you think it’s something you don’t want to hear.”

  “We’re so screwed up,” she muttered. “Why are we even talking about this?”

  He hesitated. “Because we said we’d try. And we’re not trying unless it scares us.”

  “Are you scared of me?”

  “I’m scared of what you’re capable of.” The words resonated in her mind and it took him several minutes before he spoke up again. “It scares me knowing how much I care if you leave.”

  “Have you ever wondered if we’ve reached a place where the only thing left for us to do is fall? That the hard part hasn’t even begun?” It didn’t matter that the text from Bradley was gone, the thought of it still existed. And she hated that it planted doubt in her mind.

  Hale didn’t answer her. Instead he held her through the night and for the first time in a long time, Lyris let herself believe it would all be okay.

  Lyris woke up the next morning feeling more comfortable than she expected. It was only when she heard Hale’s quiet breathing did it dawn on her that she’d spent the night with him. Careful not to wake him up, she gingerly moved out of his arms. As she grabbed one of his sweatshirts to pull on, she stopped and simply just stared at him sleeping.

  It was one of the few times where he looked completely at peace. He wasn’t burdened with anything and she loved how almost boyishly cute it made him. The usual cuts of his features were softened and she was tempted to run her finger down the slight stubble he had.

  I don’t want to lose you.

  Lyris swallowed hard when it hit her. Hale meant more to her than she would’ve ever had the nerve to admit. She didn’t want to lose him and that meant she had to come clean. She would tell Hale everything about Bradley. It wasn’t something she should do. This was something she had to do. If her and Hale did break up along the way, she didn’t want the reason to be related to Bradley.

  The idea that Bradley could contact Hale as easily as he contacted her crossed her mind more than once. He wasn’t stupid. Bradley was almost too smart for his own good and Lyris knew that it was only a matter of time before he made it clear what it was he wanted. She had to take control of her life if she really wanted to stay with Hale.

  She was so distracted with herself she opened the front door and tried to look for the newspaper – on a Saturday.

  “I really need something with caffeine.” Mumbling to herself, she made her way to the kitchen to make herself breakfast. As she pulled a mug from the cupboard, she heard someone shouting while running upstairs.

  “Lyris? Lyris!”

  “Hale?” She rounded the corner of the kitchen, wondering what it was that made him sound so panicked. “Hale!”

  “Ly –” He stopped at the bottom of the stairs when he saw her. He looked as if he’d just jumped out of bed. His hair was disheveled and his pants hung loosely at his hips. But Lyris couldn’t see all of that because the only thing she really noticed was his fear turning to disbelief as he walked towards her. His steps were deliberately slow, like he was scared that if he moved too fast, she’d get startled and disappear.

  He didn’t look ready to believe what he saw in front of him. “You’re still here,” he whispered. “I heard the door close and I thought you left.”

  “I forgot it was Saturday,’ she explained slowly. “I didn’t mean to make it seem as if I was running.”

  “You stayed.” He didn’t seem to hear her because he was too distracted with something else. Taking the final step towards her, he pulled her close, holding her tight enough to make her wonder if there was more to his story.

  She kissed him on the cheek, trying to lighten the mood. “Are you usually this dramatic in the morning?”

  Shuffling back to the kitchen, she watched as he made his coffee, keeping a careful eye on her at the same time.

  “I’m sorry I was little hysterical earlier.” Hale passed her a cup of tea before sitting across from her. “I just – I can explain.”

  “Okay.”

  “I never understood why Annabelle did it. I woke up one morning and she was gone. When I heard the door closing today, I thought it was happening again.” He looked weary, like he was tired with the burden of not knowing. “Her and I were supposed to run away together.”

  “Why would you need to run away?” She could picture a younger version of Hale, one that was truly carefree and invincible in love. If she wasn’t wrong in what she imagined, she wondered what it was that made it fall apart.

  “My parents weren’t thrilled that I was with her.” He said it tonelessly, as a fact that couldn’t be disputed. “I had enough money in my trust fund to start over if I wanted to and I did. I wanted to start over with her.”

  It was romantic.

  It made her feel uneasy.

  She wanted the facts and she should’ve known that it would’ve been hard listening to how he loved someone else so irrevocably.

  “It was the night before we were supposed to leave. I woke up the next morning, expecting to find her next to me and ready to go but she wasn’t there.” He gripped the table hard his voice shook from anger. “Everything was gone. Her clothes were gone. Her pictures. Everything that had to do with her was gone. I went out of my mind trying to figure out what had happened. I thought I could move on from that as time passed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all.”

  “It would be so much easier to run, wouldn’t it?” Something about the regret in his voice reminded her of herself. “To run without anything catching up to us and just live.”

  “Did you try to run?” she asked.

  “I think I stopped running the day I met you.” The faintest tinge of pink coloured his cheeks before he cleared his throat. “But Annabelle’s only half the picture. I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

  The worst scenario she thought of came to mind and she braced herself to hear that he had a wife or that he never loved her.

  “Is Bradley’s last name Flett?”

  Her heart stopped. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to speak or if she wanted to puke. “Why?” she asked with a shaky breath.

  “I know him, or rather, I knew him.” Hale drew a heavy breath. “When you first mentioned Bradley, I didn’t want to believe that it was the Bradley I knew.”

  “How did you know?”

  “You talk in your sleep.”

  Panic struck her and she swallowed hard. It couldn’t have been too damaging considering that he was still speaking to her. “What did I say?”

  “Let’s just say Bradley hasn’t made it a secret to me that he isn’t ready to give up on you.”

  “You knew he was texting me?” Lyris wasn’t sure if what she felt was relief. It was one thing that Hale knew Bradley was t
exting her, but another for him to react so calmly. She couldn’t say for certain she would be this calm if she found out he kept texts from Annabelle.

  “Only recently.” Hale looked as if he was trying to come to terms with something before he gave up. “I think it’s because you weren’t returning his texts that he decided to take it to the next level.”

  “I’m going to kill him.” Lyris couldn’t believe Bradley’s audacity.

  “It’s not worth your time,” Hale sighed. “And that’s not really the only reason I brought him up. When we were kids, Bradley and I were friends. Everything kind of changed when Annabelle came along.”

  “She gave you an ultimatum between her and Bradley?”

  A twisted smile curved on his mouth and Hale shook his head. “He and I fell for the same girl. The coincidence that it happened again so many years later doesn’t escape me.”

  Lyris could hardly begin to understand where to start. “You both loved her?”

  “We both liked her, but my friendship with Bradley ended when we both lost her.”

  “She ran away though.” The look of defeat darkening his eyes pained her. “It wasn’t your fault, Hale.”

  His voice was cold as he spoke. “I know you’ve always wondered why I never talk about my parents. It’s because we don’t have much of a relationship. My father is virtually just another body in the house and my mother, Wendy, I can say with complete confidence that we hate one another.”

  “Hate?” The word felt wrong on her tongue. “I don’t think someone could actually hate their own child.”

  “Maybe she doesn’t hate me but I certainly hate her,” Hale said bitterly. “I was brought up by my grandparents. Wendy and I never had a good relationship and it only got worse as I grew up.”

  Lyris bit her bottom lip to keep from talking. It made sense now how he got the house after his grandparents died, they were all he had.

  “Wendy never liked Anabelle. And one day when I brought her home, Wendy said something to her and I wasn’t able to catch what she said.” Hale exhaled sharply and gritted his teeth. “It was that night Annabelle disappeared. Wendy didn’t even blink when I asked her what happened to Annabelle. She just stared at me blankly, like she couldn’t understand why I was even speaking to her. It made me second guess everything. If everything had been just me. If I had created this woman because I needed a reason to escape.”

  “How did you know then?” Lyris felt cruel asking for more, but couldn’t stop herself. “When did you realise it was real?”

  “Because there’s no way Bradley and I would’ve had the same delusions.” Hale looked as if he was ready to end his heart to heart. “He was furious that I somehow caused Annabelle to disappear from both our lives.”

  “You didn’t have to tell me about this.” Guilt pulsed through her and she wanted to tell him about her and Bradley, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Not yet.

  “There’s a chance Bradley wanted to tell you his version of this,” Hale said. “I don’t want to lose you because of what he could tell you. I doubt he’s trying to contact me for a friendly chat. I just –” Clenching his fists, Hale closed his eyes. “I wouldn’t put it past him to take you away like I took Annabelle from him. I’ve done a lot of things I regret and I losing someone that matters . . . Lyris, I have no intention of ever losing you.”

  “Me neither.” Lyris let go of a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “I have no intention of losing you either.”

  After breakfast they fell into a natural rhythm with cleaning up and lounging on his couch.

  “How can you have almost as many books on liquor as you do vinyl records?” Lyris had thought they were autobiographies at first, but when she pulled them out they were all related to wine or bourbon.

  He played with the ends of her hair lazily, more relaxed than he was when he woke up. “I don’t just manage bars around the city because it’s convenient.”

  “Remember a while back when we were talking about generic questions?” She kept her smile in check as she thought of the flowers he had sent. “You could’ve led in with some about hobbies.”

  “And I stand by what I said then – those questions are dreadfully boring. I doubt you would’ve been impressed with ‘what are your interests?’”

  Lyris turned and cocked an eyebrow at him. “What makes you think I was even impressed to begin with?”

  “Please.” He flicked her nose. “I’ve seen the dried flowers in your room.”

  Her cheeks burned but she tried to keep her voice even. “Aren’t guys supposed to be notorious for not noticing things?”

  “If I was like any other guy, I doubt I would’ve been able to survive your little games.” Hale tilted her chin up so she’d look at him. “You were dead set on writing me off as one, weren’t you?”

  “You came off as a creep.” Her words were softened as she stared into his eyes and she bit back her smile.

  “I prefer the word memorable.”

  “Serial killers are memorable.”

  “Your pulse is racing.” He leaned in and kissed her just below the ear and dropped feather light touches down her throat. “Do you want to know why? Because I remember what –” he kissed the line of her jaw. “You.” He kissed the corner of her mouth. “Like.”

  She leaned into his touch. “What are you implying?”

  “That your body remembers what it feels like, babe.”

  “I don’t know about that.” Lyris kissed him on the lips and she felt his smile grow as she tugged at his shirt. “But maybe I need another reminder.”

  He chuckled and complied by pulling her closer to him until she was on top. Reaching under the shirt, he raised an eyebrow when he realised she wasn’t wearing any underwear. “Well, this makes things easier.”

  She shrieked out a laugh and kissed him deeply, feeling like nothing in the world could touch them. Not when they were this high.

  After their round in his living room, she suggested they go shopping because Evey asked her to pick up a few things. Walking around the mall, Lyris dragged Hale into a candle store to find the scent Evey wanted.

  “Wait, do you think apple – ” The candle slipped from her hand and landed on the table loudly. Several people turned to stare at her, but she didn’t even notice. She could only see the person in front of her.

  Her mouth parched and her breaths became shorter as she continued to stare. It all came back - everything came back - floppy brown hair and bright baby blues that used to make her feel like it was worth it, even when it felt like the world was against her.

  His hands all over her.

  The promises he made.

  The way it felt when she fell and no one was there to catch her.

  It was like staring into a chapter of what her life was like before. There was something about Bradley that was familiar, but then again she never did see the real Bradley until much later. She was expecting unfiltered rage to overcome her now that she was facing him again after five years, but it never came.

  “Lyris.” To his credit, Bradley looked surprised to see her.

  If this was the test to see if she’d gotten over what happened in Europe then maybe it really was over. This final confrontation with him could be what she needed to finally close everything in the past once and for all.

  Rage was a passion of some sort and there wasn’t anything passionate between them anymore, nothing at all. Butterflies didn’t manifest in her stomach, her pulse didn’t beat because she was excited and her head wasn’t spinning. Looking at him now, she just felt blank.

  The two of them were facing one another, neither one relenting or showing any more than they wanted the other to see. She had her arms crossed, physically closing off any closeness and he had his arms up, like he was midway in wanting to give her a hug hello.

  “How have you been?” he asked, taking another stab at a conversation. “I tried –”

  “To message me? Yeah, you can stop that now,” she said co
ldly.

  “You want to know about Hale, Lyris.” It was as if he knew her well enough to know what would stop her from walking away without having to physically restrain her. “I know exactly the type of person you are. You might’ve changed a bit, but there are some habits that stay with us, whether we like it or not.”

  Heat rushed to her face and she clenched her fist to the side, trying not slap him for being so presumptuous. “You don’t know anything about me,” she spat.

  “You’ve changed,” Bradley admitted, “but you’re not that much different from the Lyris that was in my room that day, digging in my closet. It’s in your nature to dig for everything and anything – even when you know it could possibly kill you once you found the truth.”

  “Shut up,” she snapped. Her words tumbled out clumsily because deep down, what he was saying was true. He was saying things she never wanted to admit to herself and that cut deeper than anything else he could’ve done.

  He seemed to garner more momentum as she stood paralysed in front of him. There wasn’t anything twisted in what he said though, he stated it like it was, giving her the facts she didn’t want confirmed. “You’re self-destructive – you know what’s bad for you and yet you still go for it because you can’t help yourself. You always want to be proven wrong and right, caught between two options and do you know which one always wins out? The one you silently want to be true because it’s the one you secretly crave.”

  “Stop it.” How did the conversation turn so that she was pleading him? Her whole body felt cold and she bit her bottom lip, closing her eyes as she willed him to stop.

  “Hale always had something about him that didn’t sit right with you. There was something about him that you couldn’t figure out and yet you kept on persisting – it’s because you love destroying yourself. That’s just who you are.”

  Anger boiled in her and she wanted to put an end to the conversation. It wasn’t just what he saying. It was because a part of her couldn’t deny it. “Exactly how deluded are you to believe I would ever listen to anything you say?” she gritted. “You have no right.”