Almost Loved

by Mira Toria

  “You do realise people change, don’t you?”

  “Just because someone changes doesn’t mean they start travelling around the world to make ‘amends.’” Lyris couldn’t help the mockery. “Unless you’re dying, I don’t see a reason for you to suddenly want to make it up to me.” She said it offhandedly without really thinking about how she said it, but then she saw flashes of fear and agony cross his eyes.

  “Funny how that makes people reflect on their lives,” he said drily. “To think I didn’t have to bring it up myself.”

  Lyris cringed inwardly, feeling insensitive. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to be,” he told her. “It’s not as if I did anything to deserve it.”

  “No, you haven’t done anything to deserve it,” she agreed. “But it doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad for you.”

  Bradley laughed flatly and shook his head. “You still have that strange thing about you that makes people laugh even when they don’t want to.”

  Maybe it was because she was tired of all the anger she carried with her all these years about Bradley. Maybe it was because she wanted a distraction to keep her mind from thinking about the wreckage that used to be her cafe. Whatever it was, she found herself inviting Bradley in.

  It was weird having him sit in her kitchen. If she told her past self that this was going to happen, no way would she believe it. She busied herself with pouring him a cup of coffee before sitting across him.

  “I’m sorry for barging in on you,” Bradley said as he stirred his coffee. “I know it isn’t fair to you but when my doctor – well, when I found out – I had a lot of time to think. An old contact of mine told me you were going out with Hale and that’s when I realised I could do something for you.”

  “That’s still debatable.”

  “I’ll just tell you what I think you should know,” Bradley promised. “Nothing more than that.”

  “How about starting with how you found me.” Her suspicions were justified seeing their spotty relationship.

  “You applied to my friend’s place and I came across your resume,” he said shrugging.

  “What place was it?”

  “Hurley’s Palace,” he said. “Which brings up a question, why are you applying there? With your experience, you could be working at The Broken City.”

  “I’m applying everywhere.” There wasn’t a reason why she offered this piece of information, but she make a note to keep her mouth shut so Bradley wouldn’t know more than he already did.

  “I see,” he said. “I know someone that –”

  “Bradley, are you here to discuss my pathetic life?” He hit a sore spot and she didn’t want to talk about what her future prospects could be – if there were any.

  “Sorry,” he apologised. “I don’t know where to start because I’m not sure what you know.”

  “I’m sure you had this planned in your head,” she said drily, remembering how meticulous he could be. “Don’t tell me you’ve come unprepared.”

  A glimmer of a grin tugged at his mouth. “You caught me.”

  “A few years too late,” she quipped bitterly.

  “I guess I could start with saying Hale and I used to be friends. Sort of friends,” he added thoughtfully. “Our mothers ran in the same circles so we were always at the same parties, but we became friends even when we were different in almost every way.

  “Hale was reckless and would try at any given opportunity to somehow grab Wendy’s attention – in any form it came in. I was different. I was the obedient kid and behaved well at the parties, but inspite of the difference, Hale and I found a common ground - Annabelle.”

  “Hale’s ex-girlfriend.”

  Bradley nodded. “We met her at one of Wendy’s garden parties because she was standing next to the fountain looking bored out of her mind. At that moment, Hale threw a rock into the fountain to grab her attention, but she ignored us. So Hale and I played rock-paper-scissors to see who would have to throw a rock big enough to actually splash her.”

  “Let me guess,” Lyris interrupted him. “Hale loss and had to do it.”

  “He would always, with no fail, pick rock first,” Bradley said, smiling a little. “He lost and threw a rock the size of an orange into the fountain and did a good job of not only getting Annabelle’s attention, but his mother’s wrath.

  “After getting a lecture, he apologised to Annabelle, but really he was passing her a note, telling her there was a way to ditch the party.

  “Eventually the three of us were inseparable. Hale was our ringleader and it was expected that if there was trouble, we were behind it. Trouble was expected around us, but I don’t think any of us expected trouble to come between us.

  “I loved her,” he said quietly. “I was always there in the background making sure she wouldn’t be pulled too far into Hale’s schemes. I would always take the fall for them when we were caught because I didn’t want her to get in trouble.”

  Lyris never heard the beginning of this story and knew there was only one ending that made sense. “But she ended up falling for Hale.”

  Bradley shot her a grim smile. “Why do you think I wanted to be a different person in London? Because Annabelle only thought of me as the sensible and safe Bradley, as a brother. I was tired of being safe.”

  “It doesn’t excuse you from what you did,” she reminded him. She wouldn’t tell him that his explanation, no matter how flimsy it was, did make sense to how he behaved in London.

  “No, it doesn’t,” he agreed. “But at least now you know I haven’t always been an ass.”

  “Fair enough,” she said begrudgingly. “Please continue.”

  “When I found out that Annabelle liked Hale, I couldn’t be around either of them anymore, not without wanting to break his face.” Bradley paused and sighed. “I’m not proud of it.”

  Lyris was watching Bradley carefully as he unfolded the story, watching to catch any cracks that appeared in the truth, but from what she could see, this was all true.

  “Hale and Annabelle lasted longer than anyone would’ve given them credit for,” Bradley continued. “Despite obvious looks of disapproval and silent threats from Wendy, Hale would always bring Annabelle everywhere. One day Hale and Wendy got into an argument and Hale ran off pissed at her.”

  She already knew how it would end, but Lyris wanted a confirmation. “What happened then?”

  “I saw Hale say something to Annabelle. I didn’t know what it was at the time because I was too far away to really hear anything. She came to my house later on to tell me they were going to run away together.”

  “But then something happened and she disappeared.” Lyris could remember the bitterness in Hale’s voice when he told her. “It wasn’t his fault, Bradley. He was as heartbroken as you when Annabelle disappeared.”

  “He should’ve kept her safe,” Bradley spat. “She didn’t feel safe! Something happened that forced her to disappear. I would’ve kept her safe because I loved her. He should’ve protected her, made her feel safe, if he really loved her.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” It felt weird that she was hearing about this from Bradley, it felt like she was betraying Hale in some convoluted manner. “What does this have anything to do with me?”

  “Because I want to know what you think,” he told her quietly.

  Lyris narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out what he was implying. “Why does it matter what I think? This has nothing to do with me.”

  Bradley looked on at her sympathetically. The same way someone would look at a child that had lost a balloon. “Because I’m wondering how you’ll react to what I have to say next.”

  Lyris was curled up on her bed as she sent off a text to Evey. They had a quick conversation on the phone before Evey was called off to meet some of her new colleagues, but she managed to tell Lyris the good news before the line was cut.

  Lyris: Congratulations on the job offer! I knew you were going to ace the interview!


  Evey: Thank you! West and I are probably going out for a celebratory dinner, want to come?

  Lyris: And be the third wheel? No thanks.

  Evey: It’ll just be three friends going out to celebrate!

  Lyris: I’ll celebrate with you some other time! I don’t really want to intrude on whatever surprise West has. It’s the pinnacle of our friendship that I can tell how eager you are for it.

  Evey: You’re the best, Ly!

  Lyris: Go have fun with West and I’ll see you tomorrow and then we can have our own little celebration :)

  Placing her phone on her night table, Lyris sighed and wrapped her arms and legs around a body pillow. She was happy for Evey because she knew it was well deserved. But she couldn’t help feeling incompetent. Within days Evey had offers coming in and Lyris hadn’t heard from anyone. At this rate, she’d be a freeloader.

  As if that wasn’t enough, she had her conversation with Bradley to think about. Bits of it kept coming back to haunt her in echoing whispers, like it was still happening in her mind.

  You want to hear what I have to say from him? Are you sure he can be honest about it with you?

  She buried her face into the pillow and exhaled unevenly. Could Hale be honest about it? He had never lied to her because she never asked. Was that any better?

  I’m sure he’ll be as honest as he can.

  That’s your Achilles heel, Lyris, you’re far too trusting.

  She couldn’t argue because she wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt. People deserved second chances.

  This might not be any of my business, but do you even believe me?

  You’re right, it’s not your business. I’m listening to you. Whether or not I believe you is a different story.

  The door downstairs creaked and Lyris came back from her moment of self-reflection. A few minutes passed before Hale came into her room.

  “Ly, are you still awake?”

  “Yeah,” she clipped.

  He walked into the room and her bed sunk as he sat next to her. She didn’t say anything and involuntarily flinch as Hale put a hand on her shoulder, something that didn’t go unnoticed.

  He sounded concerned as he spoke and Lyris wondered how he would sound once he knew why she turned away. “What’s wrong?”

  “Bradley came by today.” Trying to keep her voice even was easier than she expected and it made the process numbing.

  There was a hitch in his breath and he stilled, frozen in his spot. “What did he tell you?”

  “Just because I heard what he had to say doesn’t mean I believe everything.” She paused for a moment and tension threaded itself between them, creating a wall that blurred everything they thought was true. “I want you to tell me what’s real and what isn’t.”

  His mouth thinned before he nodded. “Okay.”

  Lyris crossed her legs to face him. “You both fell for Annabelle, but she chose you and that’s when your friendship with Bradley ended. You planned to run away with her somewhere and then something happened and she vanished without a trace.”

  His eyes hardened and a flash of vulnerability crossed, but it disappeared just as quickly. “Yeah, that’s what happened,” he said stiffly.

  I saw her first and confided to him how I felt. The next day, he made his move. He only did it to show me he could get whatever girl he wanted. She didn’t mean shit to him.

  Lyris tried to keep her temper from boiling over and exhaled sharply. “Could you say something besides yeah and yes?”

  “I’m not proud of what I did.” He looked out the window behind her. “I knew Bradley liked her and I wanted to prove a point. Prove that I could get whatever he wanted first.” His hands balled into a fist as he continued. “I ended up falling for her and that’s when Bradley stopped talking to me because he knew I wasn’t going to give her up. A part of me wonders if I broke up with her whether she’d still be here.”

  “There’s still something you’re not telling me.” Her voice wavered and she swallowed hard, knowing there was a chance she was going to cry before she had a chance to hear everything.

  He turned to her and exhaled slowly, painfully even. “I – I don’t think you want to hear it.”

  “I don’t want to hear it but I have to,” she said. She heard the last thing Bradley said to her before he left and she didn’t want to believe it. She needed Hale to tell her it wasn’t true.

  Every part of her told her to stop. To just let it be, but she couldn’t stop herself. Bradley was right about something. She was self-destructive.

  “What did Bradley tell you?” Hale asked her slowly. “Lyris, you have to believe me, he’ll do anything to twist this in his favour.”

  Do you think it’s a coincidence that both of us ended up going out with you, Lyris? What are the chances of that happening?

  “Hale, am I a replacement for her? Do I look like her?” Something snapped inside of her when she saw the look of longing. “Am I?”

  “No, you’re not a replacement.” He was about to stop, but went on even though the conversation was proving to be unpleasant. “You both have brown hair and soft eyes, but that’s it. You’re not just someone that conveniently fit into who Annabelle was, you’re different from her. You’re snarkier for one,” he tried to smile, but it faltered under her glare. “And you’re driven, more driven and passionate than anyone I’ve known. With Annabelle, I was still myself but I was reeled in, not completely as free as I thought until you came.

  “She was my calm in the storm. But with you, I don’t even see the storms. They don’t exist.” An awkward silence cut through before he frowned. “Do you still believe you’re a replacement?”

  Lyris got up from the bed and walked away because she couldn’t look at him anymore. He never lied to her before and knowing that, she felt even more broken. There was something she wanted to say, but the words were like paste. They clung to the roof of her mouth, refusing to be heard. She knew she could’ve lived in blissful ignorance if she never brought up the topic. It was like she rejected happiness with how she acted.

  “I know you’re still looking for her.”

  Annabelle’s not dead, Lyris. He’s still looking for her.

  She thought that if the words were said out loud, she’d hear how ridiculous they sounded. She thought Hale would deny it right away and they could go back to where they were before. But he didn’t.

  Hale was eerily silent and Lyris didn’t want him to see her cry. She wanted to keep whatever there was left of her pride. What she didn’t anticipate on was having anger overpower everything.

  “Tell me I’m wrong!” She spun around to face him, looking at him desperately for him to agree. “Tell me Bradley was lying! Tell me this isn’t fucking true!”

  They say words described emotions better than anything else, but there were no words to describe what Lyris saw. She knew from his pained expression that her world was going to fall apart – again.

  “Why?” She grabbed a pillow and hit him with it. “Why aren’t you telling me I’m wrong? TELL ME I’M WRONG! Hale, lie to me and tell me I’m wrong! I want you to lie to me and tell me I’m wrong!”

  Self-control slipped further from her grasp with each word. She became erratic and her voice bordered hysterical as she continued to hit him. “Hale, tell me I’m wrong! Tell me you’re not looking for her!”

  Her arms felt like they were made of lead, forcing her to collapse on her knees gasping for air. She thought she knew what she was doing. She thought she was in control of herself. She was always in control of herself.

  My control slipped the second I met Hale. I lost control the second I lost myself to him.

  He was like a tornado thrown in her life, changing everything the moment the two of them caught sight of one another. He was everything she had ever secretly wanted, but now she wished that she could go back and stop herself from ever meeting him. She wished she could forget about everything Bradley said and everything Hale wasn’t saying.

&n
bsp; She just wished that everything could stop moving for a second so that she could catch up.

  “You know, with you – with you I forgot what the other side of love was like,” she said hollowly. Anger still boiled in her, but it was dampened with heavy defeat. She felt so empty and cold. “I forgot what it was like when it starts falling apart. Why did you have to come into my life? I had everything under fucking control and then you had to come and ruin it.”

  “Lyris –”

  Hearing his voice brought on a new wave of rage and she fought to keep her voice even. “I feel like absolute shit and there’s nothing I can do but feel it! I can’t just stop myself from feeling. I have to stand here while someone carves out my fucking heart with a knife because I was stupid enough to actually think this was different! Everything hurts and I can’t stop it no matter what I do!”

  “I didn’t plan for this, Lyris!” He was off the bed now and started shouting. “This isn’t what I wanted!”

  “Explain why I’m the one that’s falling apart!” she shrieked. “Why is it me that has to end up like this? It had to be me, right? The signs were all there and I had a feeling that there was something else you weren’t telling me, but I brushed it aside because I was stupid enough to believe that it wouldn’t be anything that would fuck me over. I should’ve known better. The story of my life – I’ll always choose the wrong thing.”

  “You think this doesn’t fuck me over either?” Hale was trying to keep his cool, but he was doing about as good of a job as she was. “You think I wanted things to end up like this? Lyris, why the fuck do you think I’ve been trying to keep this from you? Because it makes me feel better about myself? I’ve been feeling like shit because I didn’t know how to bring it up! I didn’t want things to turn into a fucking shit show!”

  “So what?” She threw her hands up and laughed manically. “You were the one that decided to search for her, not me! You purposely kept this from me! Thank you though,” she sneered thickly. “Thank you for making me realise what an idiot I was. I was so foolishly in love with you, I blinded myself – again! But because of this, because of you, this will never happen to me ever again. I almost forgot how much this could hurt.”