Almost Loved

by Mira Toria

  “I know we don’t really know one another,” he said quickly, thinking that he over stepped a line. “But when you spoke about that pick up line, there was this look that you had on your face. It’s hard to explain, but there was something about it that makes me wonder why you’re purposely stopping yourself from being with him.”

  Lyris hadn’t spoken about Hale with anyone for a long time. Lexa didn’t bring him up or else she’d risk chain swearing. Leon and James would only mention him casually because they were helping him with an investment of some sort. West only briefly talked about him if Lyris asked how they were doing and Evey stood by Lyris’ decision as she’d promised. But Lyris always suspected there was something Evey wasn’t saying, like she was debating on whether she wanted to keep her promise or not. There was one time when Evey asked her whether or not she was happy, but no one ever made it sound as if she was purposely keeping herself away from him.

  “We had a few trust issues.” She could be vague while getting the point across. “And I needed to get my life back together.”

  “I’m sorry that he hurt you,” he said, his tone all too understanding. “That’s the reason why you’re not with him, isn’t it?”

  The corner of her mouth lifted slightly. “What kind of person would I be if I went back to him? I’m not weak. I can’t get back into something that was so dysfunctional.”

  “It’s not about being weak or strong.” Carlos looked thoughtful. “Look at it this way. You and I, on paper we’re pretty good. We’d have a good life, maybe a few kids and we’d retire comfortably if everything kept up. But in practice it’s a little different. Sometimes it’s not about what we think is right.”

  Is this what it’s like to see a psychiatrist?

  “I’m finding it hard to believe you’re a surgeon.” She narrowed her eyes like she was trying to see through him. “I think you’re secretly a psychiatrist on the side that helps married couples with their problems.”

  “I’m a surgeon,” he insisted with a laugh. “And I see a lot of people saying their goodbyes, or at least trying to say their goodbyes to their loved ones before we bring them into the room.” His eyes fell and Lyris leaned on his shoulder to comfort him. “I’ve seen people fight but when it comes to it, no matter how dysfunctional they were before, they pull together when death is seemingly around the corner. They start seeing what they could lose forever. Sometimes the people we love are the ones that drive us out of our minds.

  “I’m not pushing you or anything, but people make mistakes all the time and I’m sorry on behalf of the male species that you were caught in the middle. But if he’s trying to apologise to you, it’s not just because he misses the sex,” Carlos continued. “I don’t know about him, but I know that if I love someone enough and I broke her trust, letting her walk away wouldn’t be an option to me. I wouldn’t give her up without a fight even when I was the one that forced her to walk away.” He paused and looked at Lyris. “Did he make it easy for you to walk away?”

  Saying goodbye to Carlos, Lyris drove back home and crawled into her bed after a shower. Evey was over at West’s house for the night – funny how she remembered the date but Lyris didn’t – and the house was deafeningly quiet.

  Leaning to the side of her bed and opening her drawer, Lyris pulled out five letters addressed to her in Hale’s printing.

  This was what he meant by the sixteenth.

  She still had no idea why Hale chose that particular date, but every day on the sixteenth of each month, there would be a letter addressed to her on her doorstep with a single cream coloured daffodil. They were still sealed because she hadn’t even opened any, but she couldn’t bring herself to burn them either.

  Her fingers ran across the seal of the envelope. It was the first time she had ever been tempted to open the letters. Every time she received them, she would stick them in her drawer without thinking too much about it. But tonight, something Carlos said made her wonder about Hale. If something happened to him tomorrow, would she regret not reading these letters and seeing what he had to say to her?

  Did he make it easy for you to walk away?

  After toying with the idea of opening the letters, Lyris went downstairs for a drink when she heard the door creak open.

  Who would be home now? It’s nearly midnight.

  Quietly grabbing a knife, she clutched her phone in the other hand, preparing to dial the police at any given moment. She heard scuffling and then before she could really react, someone turned the corner and they both screeched.

  “LYRIS!” Evey wheezed as she used the wall to hold herself up. “For the sake of everything that’s freaking holy, you scared me!”

  “I scared you?” Lyris put her hand over her heart and tried to stop it from racing. “Who the freaking hell goes into their own house and screams? I thought you were supposed to be with West tonight!”

  Still breathing heavily, Evey gestured to the kitchen. “West and I have been talking about this a lot the past few months and because I thought you and Carlos were, you know, I wanted to – well I was hoping I was wrong and I guess I was right about being wrong.”

  “Please don’t tell me you drove home drunk.” Lyris walked her into the kitchen and grabbed a second mug and filled it with tea for Evey. “And if you’re sober, what are you trying to say? You came home to stop something?”

  “I’m not drunk and yeah that’s pretty much the gist of it.” Evey took the tea and then started to cluck her tongue, something she did when she was nervous about something.

  “What’s wrong, Eves?” Lyris frowned. “Is it West?”

  “No.” Evey shook her head. “He’s great and better than I thought because he hasn’t broken up with me for being so paranoid about you the past few months.”

  Lyris made a face as she thought about what Evey and West could’ve spoken about. “Am I really that interesting to talk about?”

  “Well, it’s mostly me talking,” Evey admitted. “And I was scared to come home today because I wasn’t sure if I’d be interrupting anything between you and Carlos, seeing that today could possibly be your first real date.” Evey made a ‘huh’ sound like something just occurred to her before continuing. “Unless one of you guys rescheduled again, and let’s be honest, that’s so much more plausible than the two of you on a date.”

  Lyris’ eyebrow cocked up and she smiled tightly. “Don’t tell me you came home to insult me.”

  Evey had a small smile on her face as she asked Lyris a question she already knew the answer to. “Where’s Carlos then?”

  “That’s not my point,” Lyris said stiffly. She and Evey had a stare down until she gave in. “We decided that we weren’t going to work.”

  “Good.” Evey laughed at Lyris’ surprise. “Okay, probably not what I should say after a break up, but I was really scared that you and Carlos clicked and that I would be too late.”

  “Too late for what?”

  Shifting in her seat, Evey looked sheepish. “I’ve been feeling like the worst best friend in the world the past few months because I haven’t told you what I really think.”

  “What have you been feeling guilty about?”

  “Hale,” Evey said slowly, testing the water to see how Lyris would react. “I know that you broke up with him and said I’d support you with that.” Evey bit her bottom lip. “I’ve been thinking about whether or not I let you give up on yourself too easily.”

  “Evey, it was my choice,” Lyris said evenly. “Nothing you said then would’ve changed my mind.”

  “Ly, I see you bringing in those letters and flowers to your room once a month,” Evey said. “I know they’re from Hale.”

  Today seemed to be the day Hale would be brought up more often than anytime the past six months. Lyris wondered if this was the sign she was looking for when she came downstairs.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, but I didn’t know what to think. I mean I wanted to run him over with my car for several weeks, but t
hen afterwards, I just kept thinking about whether or not it was a good idea that you did what you did.” Frowning, Evey scrunched up her face and tried to continue. “I guess what I really want to say is that what you had with Hale, even though he was a complete ass with the Annabelle thing, I don’t think I should have let you give up so easily.”

  Lyris stared down at her cup of tea, feeling like she’d just woken up while sleep walking for a while. It was a dazed sort of feeling. “I don’t think about the letters much. It was only after talking to Carlos today that I started to wonder if I really wasn’t thinking about them or if I was just pretending that I wasn’t thinking about it.”

  “Probably pushing my luck with prying into your private business, but are you going to read the letters?”

  Lyris pursed her lips and avoided Evey’s gaze. “I want to, but at the same time I wonder what sort of person that makes me if I go through with it.”

  “It’s not weak that you want to read the letters.” Evey understood where Lyris was coming from. “I don’t think it’s weak at all. Why does everyone seem to think the things we do for love are weak?”

  “You do realise that courage and stupidity aren’t too far apart from one another, right? If I really think about it, it seems really stupid that I would even consider getting back together with him.”

  “Ly, who cares if it’s stupid? It’s stupid that I fell for West, but I’m happier with him than I could possibly be with anyone else. Maybe it’s a stupid decision. Who cares? I’d rather be stupid and happy than rational and alone. Sometimes what seems like the stupidest decision ends up being the best decision in the long run. West and I are a testament to that. ”

  October 16th

  Lyris,

  Today’s the sixteenth and I’m wondering if you remembered that I told you to keep that date in mind.

  People always say the first time is awkward. I guess that theory isn’t only applied to sex. I don’t know what to write about. I don’t even know if you’re reading this. If you’re reading this and you don’t want anything to do with me, leave the letter by the door and I won’t try contacting you again.

  I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re remembering to eat regular meals that consist of more than a muffin and cake. I heard from West that you’re working as a pastry chef – congratulations on that. I never doubted you for a second.

  I think writing all of this down is easier than saying it out loud because I think I would lose the nerve.

  I always believe that the best moments of your life are the ones that are on constant replay and everything about you is crystal clear in my mind. It would be annoying if I didn’t miss you so much.

  I know you think you know me as well as the next stranger, but that isn’t true. You know more about me than I would ever want someone to. No one in the world knows how I have to play air guitar whenever I hear Eye of the Tiger. I didn’t know I had that damn ticklish spot on my leg until you came along. You’re the only person that notices weird quirks I didn’t even know I had – who else would be able to point out that I always had to have the volume at an even number? I didn’t even realise that until you commented on it while we were watching a movie at my house. But now because I know that I do it, I can’t stop doing it because it bothers me for no absolute reason.

  I don’t want you to go away thinking you don’t know anything about me. It scares me how much you know me, but I don’t think there’s anyone else I would rather be scared of.

  Never doubt that, Lyris.

  You’ve always had my love,

  Hale

  PS: Please excuse my writing, it’s been too long without you and the nights are longer and colder when you’re alone.

  November 16th

  Lyris,

  It’s another month. How have you been? I’m guessing you’ve been keeping busy because there was just a review about you in the paper. I think the critic sounded as if he was about to wet his pants because he was that excited about the new concepts you were bringing to the restaurant.

  I never know what to write in these letters even though I have a month to think about it. I always have moments where something happens and I remind myself to tell you about them, but then realise I can’t do that anymore. There’s something about telling someone right away compared to telling them a few weeks afterwards. The impact of it isn’t the same.

  I’ve been at the flower shop more often than I’d like to admit, asking the florist about different meanings for the flowers they carried. The daffodil reminds me a little bit of you because apparently it’s a stubborn little flower that refuses to stay put no matter how rough winter is. You can always be assured that when spring settles in, it’ll come up fighting. It’s stubbornly resilient and beautiful, the same way you are. Even when you’re knocked down, you always stand back up looking more amazing than you did before.

  Why a cream daffodil instead of a yellow one? Well I’ve never sent you conventional colours before.

  I can’t believe I just spent time explaining the importance of a daffodil. It’s time to just move on before I throw up on this letter.

  I’ll talk to you again next month.

  You’ve always had my love,

  Hale

  PS: Please excuse my writing, it’s been too long without you and the nights are longer and colder when you’re alone.

  December 16th

  Lyris,

  Another month, another letter. This has become a routine for me and I think I like it.

  I think I saw you on the street today and I feel worried. You’re starting to look too thin. I don’t think you’ve been eating as much as you should be. I wish I could send you a text every now and then to remind you to take a break and eat before you start all over again.

  I was eating from a tub of ice cream the other day (I think you’ve created a monster) and funny enough, I was only eating the pralines. It didn’t occur to me until started digging around, realising that you weren’t there to steal all the ice cream.

  Speaking of eating, It might make you laugh as I tell you my attempts at making the muffin recipe you left at my house. West came over once I had finished my first attempt and if you see him and hear him whistling as he speaks, it’s because he might’ve chipped a tooth. Good news though – if West and I decide to take up hockey again, we won’t have to buy pucks for a while.

  Seeing you again reminded me of what a fool I was for walking away from you at the café that day. I just realised how that may sound so I’m going to tell you right now I’m not writing these letters to try convincing you to come back. I’m writing these because it’s like a coping mechanism for me. I like knowing I get one day a month to talk to you. To ask you how you’re doing even if I don’t get an answer. It’s the closest I’m able to get to you and I’ll take it for all it’s worth.

  Until next month.

  You’ve always had my love,

  Hale

  PS: Please excuse my writing, it’s been too long without you and the nights are longer and colder when you’re alone.

  January 16th

  Lyris,

  I’m sorry for how short my letters always seem, but there’s something about writing to you that makes it hard for me to put into words without sounding like I’m drunk.

  Sometimes I wish I had taken poetry more seriously while I was in school, then maybe you’ll get letters that hold love poems that’ll make you weep. Unfortunately the only thing I remember from that class is how to pick up girls – show them that you’re holding a book of poems by Lord Byron and they start melting at your feet. But you wouldn’t have been one of those girls, would you? Knowing you, you probably wouldn’t have given me a second glance unless I carried cupcakes.

  Something happened a few weeks ago and you know what, the first person I wanted to tell was you. I think you’ve turned me into one of your heroes in those chick flicks and I’m not sure if I should be pissed or just depressed about that. I don’t know how much of it you’ve hear
d from Leon and James, but I finally opened my own wine store with their help. The second everything was finished that day, I wanted to call you to tell you about it. I never realised how engrained you were into my life until that day and now that I can see it, I wonder about how I could’ve missed it to begin with.

  You’ve always had my love,

  Hale

  PS: Please excuse my writing, it’s been too long without you and the nights are longer and colder when you’re alone.

  February 16th

  Lyris,

  Are you missing a sock? Sometime this month I found a lone sock with Minnie Mouse under my bed. I was debating on whether or not you would’ve wanted the flower or sock, but I decided to keep the sock myself. It’s in my washing machine if you’re looking for it. I’m tempted to buy a Mickey Mouse pair and lose the other so Minnie won’t look like she’s being stood up for a date in the dryer.

  Aside from my mission in finding Minnie a pair, I can finally truly understand why you and Evey were so invested in your café and why the two of you decided against reopening it after it was gone; the time and investment that you put in it is the same as a relationship. Probably more so, because I swear my shop and I have a one sided relationship – I love her more than she loves me.

  Leon comes in to help me once in a while and I have to say, I’ve never worked with such a diva before. Despite being a diva, Leon has a sort of drive that can’t be matched. Without him being so pushy, I don’t think I could have finished everything in such a short amount of time.

  How have you been though? It’s getting colder with the snow. That got me thinking about when we took a walk through the park that one day. I thought it would be romantic because it was just before sun was setting, but I forgot to take into account that you were wearing a dress that day and your jacket wasn’t nearly as warm as you insisted it was. I guess our idea of romance is sitting on the couch together, blowing our noses as we watch Supernatural and bitch at one another as to who got whom sick (I still stand by that it was you because you spent the whole night coughing next to me).