Ruining You

by Nicole Reed

“It’s okay, Jay. It’s okay.”

  I wake up with his words lingering in my mind. Is it okay to move on? What is the alternative? Joining him is not an option anymore. I will live.

  Days pass as I try to navigate this mad world I’ve returned to. My mother is almost afraid to leave me alone. She is smothering me, and I don’t have the heart or the energy to say anything. School is out for Christmas break, so Molly and Reed have shown up for the past couple of days. We talk, play Reed’s video games, and eat. Exciting, huh? Winters in Georgia are unpredictable. This year, it hardly feels like Christmas with the sixty degree temperatures outside.

  Two days before Christmas, I finally believe everything may settle down. Molly is going out of town on vacation for a week with her family, and Reed is tagging along. Cal calls daily, but he is also having family over for the holidays. We are staying here for once. Normally, we spend Christmas on the ski slopes or lounging on the beach, but I guess that wasn’t even an option this year.

  Walking downstairs, I feel the buzz of my phone in my pocket. I pull it out to see Kane’s name flashing on the screen. He said he would call, but I was beginning to believe that our last goodbye was just that, the last. Butterflies flood my stomach, but I take a deep breath and answer.

  “Hey,” I say in a breathy tone.

  “Hey. Just wanted to call and see how you were. I figured I’d give you a couple of days to settle in before calling.”

  “I’m fine,” I say, sitting down on the bottom step.

  “Fine, huh? Maybe I need to see for myself. How about lunch the day after Christmas?”

  “Lunch?”

  “Yes, you know…. the meal between breakfast and dinner?” he asks with a laugh.

  This must be the “friend” thing he was talking about. I want him to know that he doesn’t have to do this. “Um, that’s okay.”

  “Let me put it to you this way, Jay. It’s not optional. I’ll be there around noon, and if the warm weather sticks around, wear jeans and tennis shoes. See you then.”

  “Hello...hello?” I say to myself as my phone beeps, noting the end of a call. Damn, I don’t want to be something he feels like he has to take care of. I guess that’s something we will have to discuss between breakfast and dinner.

  Frustrated, I stand up and head towards the kitchen. I don’t make it there before the doorbell chimes. I do an about-face and, through the glass, I see Agent Morris. Great. Shaking my head, I open the door.

  “Hey Jay. Glad you’re home. Can I come in and talk to you and your parents for a second?”

  “Sure, come in,” I say. I don’t mean it, but I step back and let her in.

  “Who’s at the door?” my mother asks, walking up behind me. “Oh, Agent Morris. How can we help you today?”

  “I was just telling Jay that I needed a moment of your time if that is okay. Is your husband home?”

  “Sure, let me get him.” Walking to the stairs, she yells up, “Dale, can you please come down?” Turning back, she says, “Let’s go have a seat in the living room. Can I get you anything to drink, Agent Morris?”

  “No, I’m fine. Thank you though. Since Jay is home now, I wanted to come by and clarify some things for her.” Looking at me, she explains, “Jay, you know that Bruce Branch was bonded out of jail on what is called a ‘No Contact Bond’. This type of release has certain factors that both parties have to abide by. For instance, if you go to a grocery store, mall, or restaurant and he is there, then by law, you have to leave. If...”

  “That’s bullshit,” my dad shouts as he enters room. “That bastard should not have any rights. How is that even possible?” He glares at Agent Morris.

  “Please Mr. Stevenson, let me finish.” Looking back at me, she continues, “Now Jay, this goes both ways. Should you be somewhere, then he would legally have to leave as well. Keep in mind that, in the eyes of the law, he hasn’t been convicted of a crime. He has only been accused, which means he is still a free man; however, he is to have no contact with you whatsoever. Should he have any contact with you, his bond will be automatically revoked, and he will be placed back into custody. Do you understand these terms, Jay?”

  “Yes,” I reply as my heart steadily thumps in my chest. My father stands tall with his arms stubbornly crossed, and his face is flaming red.

  “You know this isn’t right. He should be behind bars,” he says.

  “I understand your frustration, but again, this is the law.” Turning to me, Agent Morris sighs, “Innocent until proven guilty. Jay, may I speak to you privately, please?”

  “We aren’t going anywhere,” my father snaps.

  “Dale, please,” my mother begs.

  “Paige, we have been left in the dark enough these past couple of years. This affects all of us now. I’m not leaving my daughter alone again. Never again.” His voice cracks as he raises his hands to grasp the sides of his forehead and drags them down his cheeks.

  Blinking back tears, I tell Agent Morris, “It’s okay.”

  She looks at me with a gentle smile on her face, “Jay, have you thought anymore about testifying?”

  I shake my head as I look at my parents. Their lost stares turn towards each other, and I watch as my mother reaches for my father’s hand.

  “What are you afraid of? If it is the courtroom, I can take you and walk you through the entire process. Please look at me, Jay. We only have a couple months before the trial begins, and right now, we don’t have enough to prosecute him. No other girls have come forward. Talking with our profiler, we believe that he had a select fixation on you. We don’t believe he would have stopped pursuing you. Everything is going to depend on your testimony, and if you choose to not testify, you need to prepare yourself for the charges to be dropped.”

  “Agent Morris, as much as we want him punished for what he has done, my husband and I support Jay in whatever she chooses to do,” my mother replies. Her voice is thick with emotion.

  I’ll give it to Agent Morris; she is very determined. I could tell my mother’s answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but she places a smile on her face and looks back to me.

  “Jay, I’ll come by to talk to you after the first of the year. We will see where you are then.” Standing, she looks at all of us. “Thank you all for your time.”

  My mother stands, nods her head, and sees Agent Morris to the door. My father doesn’t move. He stares blankly at the floor before looking up at me.

  “I’ll support you, Jay, and anything you want to do, but I have to tell you. I think you need to think about the consequences of not testifying. You’re not the only one it will affect if he goes free. There is a young man who is not here as a result of Branch’s monstrosities and another young man who will never walk again.”

  His words spear into my soul, and pain radiates within. Is he trying to hurt me? Jumping up, my anger churns deep, and words spill from mouth. “You don’t understand! Do you want everyone to hear the details of what he did to me? How he battered, bruised, and tore me?” My breath comes out in pants.

  He moves to embrace me, but I step away. He freezes and looks at me in horror.

  “God, no, Jay. No. I just want you to have a life. What kind of life will it be knowing he’s out there? With everything that’s happened, I just worry.” He shakes his head. “Your mother is right. We will support whatever you want to do. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

  “I need to get out of here for a little while,” I say, walking past him and out of the room. My mother stands in the foyer. I can tell she has heard every word because tears flow down her cheeks. “Where are my keys?”

  “In your car,” she whispers. “Jay, are you okay to drive. Maybe I can call someone for you?”

  “I’m just taking a drive, Mom. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

  Still shaking, I walk into the garage. My mind races, and my thoughts swirl around my father. He just doesn’t understand. He will never understand the violation and the shame. It’s not just what that beast di
d; it’s what I did to myself -- what I allowed. In a desperate effort to feel something, anything, again, I made my body my slave and forced it into being used. Living with such dark secrets changes people, blackens the soul, and corrupts the way the mind thinks. It did all those things to me, and my father will never get that. I’ve been aged by circumstances, drug through life unwillingly, and had my innocence maliciously destroyed forever.

  I get in my car and press the garage door opener, letting light increasingly stream into the dark room. I pull out and drive away. I don’t know where I’m going; I don’t care. I just need to go. Rolling down my windows, I can’t believe how warm it is. I definitely don’t need the jacket with the jeans, white tee, and light grey sweater I put on this morning. I don’t think about a destination, but subconsciously, I know where I’m not going. I’m not ready to go there. That intersection was a crossroad in my life, and I don’t think I can handle that yet. My heart feels a sudden pull, and I instantly know where I need to go. Whipping the car around, I race to the edge of town.

  The entrance looms with heavy black metal. I read the inscription overhead as I drive through the gates, “Jackson Heights Cemetery”. The rolling green hills are covered with tombstones and statues and dotted with flowers. I pick up my phone and call Molly; she answers on the first ring.

  “Where exactly is JT’s grave?” Her silence conveys her surprise, but she answers with detailed directions. I hang up the phone before she can comment and power it down.

  I drive towards the back where several large pine trees are nestled together beside a pond. I put my car in park as the first sobs break through. My chest shakes with cries of anguish. Pressing my fingertips to my eyes, I try to dam the tears, but it doesn’t work. I don’t even know if I can get out of the car. Why did I come here? Why did he die? Why God? WHY? I’m falling apart, barely breathing as the pain steals my breaths. God, do I hurt. I finally allow myself to mourn him.

  Laying my head back against the seat, I let the tears fall. “Oh my God, JT. Why? Why did you leave me?” I ask aloud. I open my eyes and stare out the windshield. Standing between the tallest two trees is a single granite headstone. Well, I’ve come this far. So taking one last deep breath, I reach for the door handle and step out of the car.

  A strong gust of wind whips my hair about as the sun shines down through the trees. One foot in front of the other, I walk to his final resting place. The crunch of dried pine needles beneath me is the only sound I hear. My heart pounds, but I can’t stop now.

  The shiny grey stone gleams with the sun’s reflection. Coming to a stop in front of it, I read the words etched into the rock.

  JT Miles Higgins

  Always In Our Hearts

  1994 - 2012

  Falling to my knees, I allow my fingers to trace the letters one-by-one. A dozen red roses lie at the base. Withered and dying, the petals have begun to darken and curl. A burst of pain explodes from my chest. My hands go to my heart in an effort to stop it from shattering. Again, tears drop one after another as I whisper over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I don’t understand why he was taken from me. I want answers. I want to know why. I hate this world. I hate this life. The thoughts come to me about how much I want to die so I can see JT again.

  Nausea makes my stomach roll, and my head starts to spin. I fling myself onto my back against the ground. I feel the stick of the pine needles underneath me as I remind myself to breathe slowly, in and out. Turning my head to the side, I stare at the flowers. I pluck one from the bouquet and snap the flower from the stem. I slowly bring it to my nose and allow the fragrance to tease my senses. It is a brief reminder that I’m still here. I’m still alive.

  Peeling away petal after petal, I let them drift down all around me. “I’m here JT. Still waiting for you to come back for me like you promised, but you can’t come back, can you? Ever.” Praying, wishing, and hoping he can hear me, I speak out loud. “What now? What do I do now? I can’t go back to school. I’ll never walk through those doors again. So many memories.” I pull off another crimson petal, and a blast of air of wind carries it away.

  “I miss you. I miss you so damn much. I know I can’t bring you back, and I have to let you go. Not forever, but for now. I have to figure out where to go from here. I don’t want to hate you for leaving me and for what happened to Cal, but I might start doing just that if I don’t let you go. I already hate myself enough for him. I’m so lost,” I whisper.

  I’m not sure how long I’m there, but eventually, the sunset surrounds me. I turn my head and glance at the small pond. As my eyes skim over the water, I notice someone leaning against a tree on the other side. His silhouette is familiar. I shade my eyes to see his face, and my heart drops. What the.....I suddenly sit up.

  “Hey Jay.”

  I scream, startled by the voice behind me. Jumping up, I see Kane standing there.

  “Are you okay?” he asks, stepping towards me and placing his arms on either side of mine.

  Looking back to the other side of the water, I see nothing. No one. Did I imagine seeing him? My heart races with fear.

  “Jay, what are you staring at? Look at me. Damn, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  The concern in his voice finally snaps me out of my thoughts, and I glance into his worried eyes.

  “God, you’re shaking like a leaf.” Pulling me into his arms, he secures me in his grasp and allows me to bury my face in his chest. He strokes his hand over my hair and whispers in my ear, “I’m sorry I scared you. I thought you would have seen me walking up. Shhh...it’s okay baby. I’ve got you.”

  “Kane,” I whisper, “I think I am seeing things.”

  “What did you see?”

  Shaking my head against his chest, I say, “I don’t want to talk about it. I had to have imagined him.” It feels so good to be this close to him, to inhale him, and to feel his body pressing solidly against mine. A feeling of peace spreads over me, but it is short-lived because he pulls back.

  “You saw who?”

  I shake my head again. I just want to be back in his arms once more, but the look on his face stops me.

  The tone of his voice is commanding as he asks again, “I’m going to ask you one more time, and you are going to answer me. We are obviously not going back to that shit again. No secrets. No wondering what you’re thinking. Talk to me, Jay.”

  “I just thought I saw...someone across the pond, but it must have been my imagination.” I don’t want to tell him who I thought I saw. It doesn’t make any sense. It couldn’t have been him.

  Finally, with a look of resignation on this face, he asks, “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I just didn’t see you. I guess you could say I was talking to ghost.” I glance towards JT’s grave, and Kane’s eyes follow mine.

  “Even though I hated that you picked him, I never would have wished this. Believe it or not, I would go through the pain of losing you ten times over for that boy to still be alive. For you Jay, so that you wouldn’t have to live with this for the rest of your life.” His emerald eyes peer into mine, and his words wake me from my thoughts of JT.

  “What are you doing here, Kane?”

  “Your mother called me as soon as you left. When you called Molly, she called your mother who called me. So, I volunteered to come and check on you.”

  “So, what? Y’all are my watch dogs now? Is that what this is?” Taking a step towards JT’s grave, I touch the cold granite once more. “Can you give me a minute, please?”

  “I’ll wait at your car,” he says.

  He walks back our vehicles, but I never look away from JT’s tombstone. “I guess this is goodbye for now. You were my first love, my best friend, and my fairytale prince. If you are up there listening, know that I loved you. I’ll always love you.” Squatting down, I kiss my fingertips and press them against his name. I glance across the pond to confirm no one is there, and I stand up. My spine tingles with the feeling that someone is watching me, but it must
be from Kane who is standing against my car.

  The temperature has dropped since the sun set. Walking back to my car, I rub my arms, trying to warm them. Kane leans against my yellow Ford Mustang with his denim-covered legs crossed in front of him. His hands rest on either side, and he’s wearing a beige cable-knit sweater that emphasizes his physique. A pair of dark sunglasses adorns his face. As I get closer, he glances down at me. His sunglasses slide down his nose, but with one finger, he pushes them back up.

  “Kane, you can’t babysit me. I appreciate the thought, but I don’t want that.”

  “Who said anything about babysitting? Listen, your mom, Molly, and I just want to make sure you realize that if you need anyone to talk to, we’re here.”

  “Ugh..,” I turn to walk away but quickly change my mind and turn back around. “So, what? Are you all going to follow me around wherever I go? Are you going to cancel your dates when my mom or Molly calls you on watch duty? Or wait, I’ve got it, are you going to chaperone me when I go on dates?”

  “Who are you planning on dating?” he asks through gritted teeth.

  “Are you kidding me? No one for now, but you can’t do this. Damn, I can’t do this. Listen to me, I promised Cal that I wouldn’t try anything stupid again, and I will keep that promise. You can believe that. No need to worry.”

  “Wait. What are you saying, Jay? You made a promise to Cal that you wouldn’t kill yourself?”

  “Yes, that is what I am saying. So see, you don’t have to worry. You can go on living your life, no need to concern yourself with mine.”

  “You are a piece of work, Jay. Are you listening to what you are saying? You better find reasons to live for you because otherwise, what kind of life is that?” Rubbing his temples with his hands, he mutters, “Get in your car and go home. I’ll follow you.”

  “You don’t have to follow...,” I don’t get to finish.

  “Get in your damn car. NOW!” he yells.

  His face flushes red with anger, so I decide that this may not be the time to push him. I crank my car and follow the lonely road out of the cemetery. The headlights of his Chrysler Crossfire gleam in my rear view mirror. What does he want from me? I don’t want him like this -- a protective big-brother figure? Hell no. Not going to happen. My mother and Molly are going to hear from me. This is going to stop today.