Ruining You

by Nicole Reed

  Finishing, I walk downstairs to join everyone. They sit silently in the kitchen, watching my mom and Molly cook dinner. I really can’t handle the somber mood. After years of my own downtrodden attitude, I don’t want to go back to this, “What did the boy cantaloupe say to the girl cantaloupe?” Eli’s corny jokes are the only things that come to mind. Everyone is looking at each other and me. I can tell they are thinking I’ve finally lost it because they say nothing.

  Glancing over at Kane, I say to him, “Ask me what.”

  “Uh?” he asks, looking puzzled and a little scared.

  Dear Lord, they really do think I’m losing it. Maybe I am with quoting Eli’s jokes. “Say, what,” I say, holding my hands up in agitation toward Kane.

  Finally, I see the light bulb go off in his head and he asks me, “What?”

  Looking around the room, I answer, “We are too young, we ‘can’t elope’!”

  Nothing. They are speechless. My mom stands over the stove with her mouth open, my dad and Molly look at each other, and Kane, bless him, he knows what I’m doing. A smile starts to creep across his face.

  Well, I started it, so I might as well go all in. Racking my brain over the millions of stupid jokes, I start again. Directing the next one to Molly, I ask “Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?”

  Catching on, she asks, “Why?”

  I wink and answer, “Because it will squeal!”

  She chuckles, “That is so bad, Jay.”

  “Trust me, I know,” I answer, continuing on with this crazy idea. I ask, “Where do bees come from?”

  My mother pops up, “Where?”

  I turn to her smiling face and smile back, “Stingapore.”

  My mom laughs loudly, and it sounds so good. Deep down, it sounds so right. “Eli has created a monster,” she comments through laughter.

  We spend the next hour eating dinner and telling the worst jokes we’ve ever heard. My dad even joins in, trying to lighten the situation. We try to live, beating the enemy the best way we know how, by not letting it get us down and tear us apart. I’m learning, little by little, each day how to live this life. I’m growing into a woman that I like, one that, I hope, is a better daughter, a better friend, and as I look directly at Kane, a better person, because he deserves the best.

  That night, Kane speaks with my father about staying over. Respectfully, he agrees to sleep in the guest room. He doesn’t want to leave, and he has worked it out with Cole to be off for the next week. I try to talk him out of it, telling him I’m fine and that I can handle this, but he won’t listen, and well, having him sleeping down the hallway works for me.

  He borrows a pair of my dad’s gym shorts and a shirt for the night. Once my parents go to bed, we lounge on the couch with me in front of him. His arm is wrapped securely around my waist, and our legs are tangled together. My fingers glide back and forth over his arms as they surround me, and I try to concentrate on what is on T.V. opposed to the feeling of him pressed against me.

  We watch some tattoo reality show to numb our minds from the day. At some point, I hear him lightly snoring behind me, and I can’t bring myself to wake him or move from the feel of his arms. Closing my eyes, I drift to sleep with him holding onto me for dear life.

  At the sound of laughter, I turn my head to see JT leaning against the wall. I’m still on the couch, but Kane is not with me. JT looks like he did when we were fifteen, or how I remember him at that age anyway. His blue eyes shine with mirth. He looks happy, the way he looked when he had his future stretched out in front of him.

  “Do you remember that time we went snow skiing with my parents?” he asks as his voice squeaks like it did when it was changing.

  Sitting up, I pull my knees into me and wrap my arms tightly around them. “Yes,” I answer, resting my chin on my knees.

  “And do you remember what I told you when you were scared to death of that first bunny slope?”

  “You said, ‘Put your big girl panties on Jay, and just do it,’” I answer back. Looking up to stare into those eyes, I realize how much it still hurts to see him here in my dreams.

  “And then I pushed and pushed until I had you skiing like Lindsey Vonn that weekend.”

  He’s right. I whined and begged to go inside to sit by the fire in the lodge, but he wouldn’t let me. I smile just thinking about it.

  “Next week, when you face him, you know what you have to do?”

  I pause. I know what he is going to say, but I want to hear it from him again.

  “Put your big girl panties back on, and just do it.”

  Nodding my head, I agree, but there is so much more I need to say to him. “I’ve been thinking about you more lately with your birthday coming up next week. I’ve missed it for two years, and now, I’ll never get to see another one. I wish you were alive and still in my life as my friend. I miss you, JT.”

  Walking towards me, he sits down on the couch and puts his arm around my shoulders. I lay my head against him.

  ~~~~~~~

  Something flutters against my cheek, and not wanting to wake from my sleep, I swat it away with my hand. Seconds later, I feel it again, tickling against my neck. Swiping my hand at it, I have no desire to open my eyes just yet. A masculine chuckle invades my sleepy consciences, bringing me awake. Slowly, my eyes open and two green orbs stare into mine. He lowers his mouth to feather kisses on my forehead, cheeks, and neck. We are still on the couch, but now, we face each other and everything is lit with the morning light that shines through the windows.

  “Morning,” I say, my voice scratchy from sleep.

  “Mmmm,” he sounds against my neck as he continues to kiss me.

  Our legs are intertwined, our bodies sidled up against one another, and I can feel how much he craves me. Forgetting exactly where we are, I slightly reposition my hips so that he is now in the cradle between my thighs. Oh yeah…. that feels, well, I need to take a deep breath or maybe a couple little ones. Thinking as one, he presses his hardness into me, and I wish we weren’t fully clothed.

  Hazy with desire, I stare into eyes as he makes things me more sensitive down below. I raise my hips up to meet his, and he lets out a hiss. Pulling back, he shakes his head as he looks around, realizing exactly where we are. Damn. I don’t want to make out on my parents couch either, but just two more seconds and...

  His husky voice asks in my ear, “How are you this morning, Jay?”

  I want him to look into my eyes to see how he affects me as I say, “Dripping.”

  Pressing his forehead against mine, he lets out a slow laugh, “You are so bad.”

  “You like it.”

  “Hell yeah, I do.”

  “Now get up before your Dad comes in here. That will not be fun for any of us.”

  He’s right, so I sit up, righting my clothes, and he does the same.

  “I’m going to head upstairs to take a shower. We’ll decide what to do today together, okay?”

  “K,” I say. Until I talk to Agent Morris, I’ll stick close to everyone. Kane heads upstairs, and I walk to the kitchen to grab some orange juice.

  “Good Morning, Jay,” my dad says, startling me. He and my mom are sitting at the table, dressed and sipping on coffee.

  “Mornin’,” I answer as I walk to the fridge, reaching for the O.J. and then a glass.

  “How are you this morning?” he asks.

  I look at him as I take a sip and answer, “Good.” Ok, did my dad see Kane and me sleeping on the couch this morning? Because if he did, that would be ridiculously awkward. Again, I’m not down for letting either of my parents in on any public displays of affection, and that includes sleeping.

  “Agent Morris called and should be here any minute. She needs to question you about yesterday,” my mother says looking at me.

  I realize that they are referring to yesterday. Don’t get me wrong, thinking about the events that happened, or almost happened, makes me sick; however, being held in Kane’s arms all night long took some o
f the horror away.

  “Your mother and I, along with Kane, have decided that from now until we know he is safely behind bars, you need to be with either Kane or I at all times. This is non-negotiable, Jay. Just so we are clear.” My dad looks directly at me.

  “Dad, I’ve done some really stupid things these past couple of years. Trust me when I say I’ve come to see that, and I’m trying to learn from my mistakes. I’ve known for a while that Bruce Branch has some stupid issues with me.” I still can’t use words like “obsession.” Words like that are just too creepy and too real. I see him begin to speak, but I hold my hand up to stop him, “I know; I should have told you guys, but I thought it was just me being paranoid, and I really thought he wasn’t crazy enough to do anything to revoke his bond. I have no problem with what you are telling me.”

  He looks surprised at my confession and seems to be weighing my words.

  “Look, I need to get a shower before she arrives. Now, if you both will excuse me,” I say, heading to foyer.

  “Jay,” my dad calls behind me.

  Turning, I look back at him as his cheeks redden.

  “I’ve spoken with your mom, and I know that you have been staying with Kane some nights.”

  Damn it! Here comes the awkwardness. Crossing my arms, I prepare myself for what he has to say as I talk myself down from becoming defensive.

  “As much as all of our actions have resulted in you being treated like an adult, way beyond your years, you are still my daughter. With the extenuating circumstances, I am going to ask Kane to stay here if he wants,” my dad pauses, glaring at me as he continues, “in the guest room, as a guest. I respect that young man, and I believe that he respects me. So let’s keep it that way, shall we?”

  “Yes, Sir.” My face flushes from a tad bit of embarrassment, and I head to my room to get ready for Agent Morris. My relationship with Kane is not going to be easy; he’s an adult, and, as much as my age and parents say that I am too, it’s hard to identify barriers. That’s something we have to work out for the future, but for right now, I want to keep peace with those that I love.

  After showering, I come downstairs and hear everyone talking with Agent Morris in the kitchen.

  “Hi, Jay,” she says, rising to her feet. “We can talk here or alone if you would like.”

  Both the male figures in the room stand to voice their displeasure over the idea of being excluded.

  “We can all talk here. If that’s okay?” I ask, trying to pacify them. It must work because they both sit down.

  I join Agent Morris as she sits at the table. The questioning begins immediately, starting with easy queries then moving on to more difficult subject matter. Basic questions evolve into harder ones about who I thought was coming in the bathroom after me. Kane reaches over and grasps my hand, squeezing tightly as my eyes travel to his. Love radiates from them.

  “Jay, we questioned the attendants at the movie theater, and he was confirmed to have bought the ticket, but once he entered the movie theater, no one remembers him walking out. Unfortunately, they don’t remember anyone in particular walking out, so we are stuck on not having probable cause to revoke his bond. However, I was able to go back to my supervisor and obtain funding to have his actions monitored with twenty-four hour surveillance effective immediately. What this means for you is that he will have a police officer following his every move, and if, at anytime, we think that we have lost contact, you will be instantly notified. You shouldn’t have to live like a prisoner in your own home in fear of him. Okay?”

  I nod my head because it does make me feel better to know that.

  “I wish I could say that next week is going to be easy, but you and I both know that it’s not. Remember that justice is served by speaking up and exposing the truth, no matter the outcome. I’ll be calling to check in with you between now and then, but you can call me anytime if you need me,” she says as she stands.

  “Thanks, Agent Morris,” I say, for once meaning it. I might hate how she drove me to this point, but I know, with every ounce of who I am, that testifying is right for me.

  My dad asks to walk her out, and my mother follows them both, listening to whatever my dad is saying. Kane and I are left in the kitchen with him still gripping my hand tightly.

  “We will get through this, and then, we are going somewhere to let this shit go. That’s a promise.”

  Leaning over, I bring my lips to his and kiss them lightly before pulling back. “I love you, Kane.”

  “Do you?” he asks, gazing into my eyes.

  “Yes, like I’ve never loved anyone before.” That is the truth. JT will always be my first love and the boy that innocent girl loved with all of her heart. I think about “what if” all the time. If JT would have lived, I would have tried my hardest to be who he wanted, but I can be honest with myself now, and say that we wouldn’t have made it. I don’t think he realized that the girl he loved died two years ago. If he would have gotten to know the broken girl, I’m not sure he could have handled it. I’m not sure I could have watched his fervent love fade.

  He stands, pulling me to him and enveloping me in his arms. Holding me tight, he says, “I could hold you in my arms forever.”

  Smiling into his chest, I’m not sure why he is waiting to tell me his feelings, but again, I’m not going to rush him. I do, however, long to hear it.

  ~~~~~~~

  The next day, Eli shows up after school with a different smile lighting his face. I can tell something has changed, so I’m intrigued from the get go. I grin as he walks toward me.

  “Spill,” I say because I can tell that he wants to.

  Beaming from ear to ear, he says, “I met someone.”

  Smiling back, I reply, “Really. Who? When? Where? Details.”

  “Actually at the mall. He was working in one of the kiosks selling phone covers. We got to talking, and he asked me out.”

  Squeeeing because I can’t help it, I grab his neck for a hug. “That is great. When?”

  “Friday night, so I know we were supposed to go see that new movie, but...rain check?”

  “Of course! Don’t be crazy. Tell me all about him.”

  Eli tells me everything he knows about him and their date plans. As he talks about this new guy, a perma-smile is plastered to his face. Leaning over, I can’t help myself, and I kiss his cheek.

  “What was that for?” he says, laughing.

  “It’s for the guy who helped me find my way because he was just as beautiful on the inside as the outside. He cared enough for this lost and broken girl to be her friend and continue, even when she didn’t deserve it. You should always be happy.” My voice breaks with emotion.

  “We both are finding our happiness,” he says, reaching for me and pulling me into a one arm hug.

  “Yes, we are. Actually, Molly said something about going dancing this weekend. I need to get out one more time before everything starts up next week. I’m not sure how the media is going to react with the trial, so I’m planning on living it up a little this weekend. I know dancing is not your thing, but if you want to plan to meet up, I’d love to meet him.”

  “Sure, just text me.”

  “And,” I pause, “Sunday is JT’s birthday. I guess I’ll take flowers or something to his grave.”

  “It will be tough. I’ve been there. Do whatever brings you peace about it. Okay?”

  I nod my head saying, “Yeah.”

  We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening hanging out, only going out for some burgers. It was the first time I’ve been out that I didn’t feel like someone was watching me. I don’t know if it was coincidence or not, but knowing that someone was watching his every move made me feel better. Actually, it made me feel immensely safer.

  ~~~~~~~

  It’s Saturday night, and everyone is meeting in an hour at O’Malley’s bar downtown. O’Malley’s used to be my safe place, and I frequented there a great deal the past two years. Tonight, we are only making good memories, and
Jill, the bartender who I have been friends with for years, has been waiting to see me. Molly and Reed are picking up Cal on their way. Eli can’t make it, so we agree to make plans for sometime after the trial ends.

  With everyone feeling that the immediate threat of Bruce Branch has been taken care of, Kane returned home. He still sleeps over when he stays late, but I am staying at his house tonight because it’s closer, and I figured we would be out late anyway. Walking through the foyer, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror.

  My dark jeans are skin tight, and the black off-the-shoulder shirt is super sexy. Both are matched with a pair of black heeled boots, and I’m ready for a night out. Cradled in my hand is the locket that Kane gave me. With JT’s birthday tomorrow, it only feels appropriate to wear it. I slip the necklace around my neck, letting it fall against my heart. Opening the locket, I see his two pictures staring back at me, smiling. I can’t say that he would be happy for me to be with Kane, because he would want me with him, but I know he would want me happy overall. A soft smile settles on my face as I close it back.

  Watching Kane pull up in the driveway through the window, I grab my overnight bag and leave, having already said goodbye to my parents for the night. He smiles through the windshield as he spots me. Opening the passenger side door before he can, I throw my bags in and sit down. I lean over the center console and kiss him, deepening the moment with my tongue. Pulling back, he grins at me and puts the car in reverse to head downtown.

  “You look hot, Jay,” he says to me.

  Noting that he has on a long-sleeve blue t-shirt and heavily worn jeans, my smile grows. There is something sexy about a man dressed comfortably. “Mmmm…I’m not the only one.”

  His free hand reaches for mine, lacing our fingers together as he drives. “My house tonight? Right?” he asks, glancing over at me.