Love Lives
Page 37
‘Mary committed suicide four years ago. She had post-natal depression. She was ill and … and it’s complicated … how I feel about it is complicated. I’m not sure I’ve worked any of it out yet.’
‘I see,’ she said.
‘I don’t want to talk about it tonight,’ Ned said. ‘I want to talk about it some other time, but tonight is about us.’
‘But I don’t understand,’ Ellen said. ‘I didn’t think you –’
‘You know I told you I didn’t believe in second chances?’ Ned asked.
Ellen nodded.
‘Well, that was until I realised how much I wanted one. With you.’
Ellen couldn’t believe what he was saying. She watched as he took his hands away from hers and rubbed them over his face.
‘I know I’ve been horrible to you, Ellen. I know I’ve snubbed you and lied to you and hurt you. But please, you’ve got to hear me out.’
‘I’m listening.’
Ned stood up, as if he hadn’t really been expecting her to agree to his request. He looked as if he was expecting a fight and now he looked at a loss.
‘Why don’t you start at the beginning?’ Ellen said gently. ‘Just tell me how you feel. That would help.’
Ned nodded, but it took him a while to say anything. Then he stared at her, taking her aback with the forcefulness of his look. ‘You know, the very first time I laid eyes on you something inside me told me you were special. That you had blasted into my life for a reason. But then I ignored it. I’ve spent so long not trusting my instincts, not daring to listen to any feelings inside … that I pretended nothing was going on, that I didn’t feel anything at all.’ Ned let a breath out, but he hadn’t finished. ‘But the point is, I do have feelings. Lots of them. I’m not sure they’re all good, but they’re all there.’
Ellen looked down at her hands.
‘You made me see that I haven’t been living until now. I’ve just been going through the motions, because a bit of me died with Mary.’
‘And now?’
‘Oh, Ellen, you have no idea …’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she said. ‘I’m glad if I’ve helped. That makes me feel better.’
Ned dropped to his knees next to her and grabbed her hand, forcing her to look at him. ‘Oh, God, I’m doing this all wrong. This isn’t about me getting over Mary. This is about you. This is about me and you.’
‘It is?’ she whispered.
‘I love you, Ellen Morris. You must know that. I love everything about you. I love the way you’re strong and you stand up to me, I love the way you’re gentle too, that you’re wonderful with Clara. I love the way you make me feel special to be alive and happy to be near you. I love the fact that you’re beautiful and clever and smart. I love it that you made me feel passion that I didn’t know was possible –’
‘So it wasn’t just sex,’ Ellen said, choking back tears, but she was smiling too.
Ned shook his head. ‘Please give me a chance, Ellen,’ he whispered. ‘I can’t let you go.’
‘Oh, Ned,’ Ellen cried, reaching out to him and touching his face. ‘Of course I’m not going to go. I’m not going anywhere.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry that I hurt you.’
Ellen put her fingers on his lips. ‘You’re here now. That’s all that matters.’
‘Don’t cry,’ Ned said, kissing her fingers gently. ‘Eat.’
‘I can’t eat! How can I eat?’ she wailed.
Ned laughed, lifting her up into his embrace. ‘But I thought you wanted romance?’
Ellen held him tight. ‘And I thought you didn’t believe in it.’
‘Well, let’s just say that you made me a believer again.’
She stared into his eyes, thinking how beautiful he was. Here he was, the man she loved. Her Ned. Wordlessly, he leant down and kissed her.
Ellen felt as if she were levitating as her whole being dissolved into him, until she didn’t know who or where she was. Every fibre of her being felt as if it was fizzing with love. She realised, now, that this kiss marked the very start of her future. That from now on she could live every moment to its full potential, because she wasn’t waiting any more. It had happened. The impossible had happened. Some benevolent God had seen into her soul and had granted her heart’s desire. She could scarcely comprehend how lucky she was, or how blessed she now felt. The one thing that she wanted more than everything else had happened. She had found Ned.
Ned rested his forehead against hers.
‘Hello,’ she whispered.
‘You’ll stay for dinner, then?’ Ned asked.
‘What do you think?’ she answered, smiling. Then she looked at the table. ‘I can’t believe you organised all this. How?’
‘Let’s just say that Debs put me straight about quite a few things.’ Ned pulled away. He put his arm round Ellen’s shoulder. ‘And he’s a damn good mate to you, that Aussie.’
‘And to think … I’ve been cursing him all day,’ Ellen said, wanting to hug Scott.
Ned smiled and turned to look out of the windows. Ellen followed his gaze to the lights of Shoresby twinkling in the distance. It was the most romantic sight she had ever seen. ‘It’s beautiful,’ she sighed. ‘This house is beautiful. Alexander Walpole would have been proud of you.’
‘Ah,’ Ned said. ‘Yes, about the Walpoles …’
‘What?’ Ellen asked, alarmed at his tone.
‘Well, you might want to consider a rethink on their story.’
‘Why?’
Ned reached inside his jacket and pulled out an old faded letter. ‘This,’ he said.
Ellen tried to take the letter, but Ned held on to it. ‘What does it say?’ she asked.
‘Well, how about …’ Ned folded her into his arms again ‘… we discuss it tomorrow. When we wake up. Or the next day. Or the day after that …’
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Published by Arrow Books 2004
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Copyright © Josie Lloyd & Emlyn Rees 2003
Josie Lloyd & Emlyn Rees have asserted their right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988 to be identified as the authors of this work
First published in Great Britain in 2003 by William Heinemann
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ISBN 9780099414834