The Fog Maiden

by Jane Toombs

Janella held her eyes on his. She didn’t know.

  “This could all be hysterical—obviously something frightened you out of your wits. Do you know about hysterical paralysis?”

  She hesitated, finally deciding to blink. It was something you did to yourself with your mind, she remembered. You couldn’t move but there was no physical cause.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll get a doctor.”

  Janella whimpered.

  “What’s the matter? Oh—of course you can’t say. Do you want a doctor?”

  She blinked.

  “Well, then I’ll go into the other room and call…” He got up from the bed and she made as loud a noise as she could. She had to tell him about Toivi—supposing Toivi was upstairs like this, too. Her aunt hadn’t moved when Janella was in the room. Only that thing pretending to be Arnie. How could she get Lucien to understand?

  He leaned back over her and she could once again see his face. “Do you have something to tell me?” he asked.

  She blinked.

  “Do you know what frightened you?”

  She blinked again.

  “Oh my God,” he said. “I forgot about your little brother. Is he all right?”

  She stared at his amber eyes, and despite an effort not to, she began to whimper again.

  “Toivi—has something happened to her?”

  She blinked, then forced herself not to cry out when he moved away from her. Leaving the door ajar, he hurried upstairs. What would he find?

  Time passed. Lucien didn’t return. Maybe he wasn’t going to come back, maybe she’d be left alone like this forever. Terrible to be alone but better than having people come and stare at you while you lay helpless. Lucien was kind, but she’d hate to have Ruth see her. Ruth would be triumphant.

  There—was that a sound? A footstep? More like a slithering noise, something being dragged. Like Arnie would sound if he was moving, hitching himself along stiffly with his good left leg and the deformed right one. He could pull himself onto the bed by grasping the covers with his normal hand and hitching his body up. Then he would edge across her, his tiny malformed right hand reaching out to touch her face, and the new squeaky voice would say, “How do you like being me?”

  Janella’s whole body jerked as if in protest. I moved, she thought. Maybe I can again. Minutes went by while she strained, willing her muscles to obey. Nothing happened. She decided the sudden movement of her body had been involuntary. Did that mean the paralysis was mind induced, as Lucien said?

  I will move, she told herself, I will. But she couldn’t.

  Was it eight o’clock yet? Was Red waiting outside the front door for her? If only he’d rush in and sweep her off the bed and ride away with her on the motorcycle, away from this house and the people, away from this terror of not moving. Tears of self-pity filled her eyes and ran from the corners down her temples and into her hair. Her nose filled up and she had to breathe through her mouth. It was so unpleasant she stopped crying.

  Where was Lucien?

  Janella began to feel she was important to no one. Everyone left and didn’t come back, starting with Mama. What would be so bad about dying, who would care? But somewhere inside her she fought the notion fiercely. I’d care, she thought. I don’t want to die.

  Still, who could live in a body that wouldn’t work? If she truly was like Arnie she wouldn’t know she was paralyzed and it wouldn’t matter. She’d be a vegetable, know nothing. No reason to live. But she was Janella Maki, she could think and feel. Maybe she could go inside her head and live there with the shadows and the strange invocations and the Finnish myths. Daddy was in there and Mama and even young Toivi, a dark, laughing girl

  There was no likeness between Aunt Toivi here and the one in her mind. I’ll count the Finnish numbers, she decided. I’ll hypnotize myself into the other world in my head. If no one comes to take care of my body, I won’t know or care. Get away, away from the horror of reality. Yksi…

  No, no—wrong to leave her body, run away from part of herself. She wasn’t just Janny, little Janny was only her young self, not a separate entity. To make Janella into Janny permanently would be insanity. Wait. Wait for Lucien.

  She slipped into a light doze several times, awakening to be frightened anew when she remembered she couldn’t move. She dreamed someone was touching her face lovingly, gentle fingers tracing the line of her jaw, and hung on to the dream image, dreading to wake. But her eyes opened, and golden eyes were looking into hers. Lucien.

  “Can you move, now, Janella?”

  She looked at him hopelessly.

  “I’m sorry I had to leave you so long.” She saw then that his face was pale and strained. “Toivi—well, she had one of her—her episodes. I thought she’d promised…” He shook his head. “She’s semiconscious now. I think she’s out of danger.”

  What about a doctor? Janella wondered. Wouldn’t a doctor be able to help Toivi? Wasn’t Lucien going to call a doctor for either of them?

  “Bear with me awhile, Janella,” he said. “I can’t call a doctor just now but I haven’t forgotten you.” A muscle twitched in his cheek. “A doctor would be in the way, wouldn’t understand.” He touched her face. “I have to leave you alone. Don’t think I’ve deserted you. I won’t. But Toivi…”

  Yes, of course, Toivi was his wife. She was only his wife’s niece, now a burden.

  “Your brother is sleeping, I think. His eyes were closed and he seemed all right there in his crib.”

  In his crib? Did I imagine the whole dreadful scene? she wondered. Arnie moving and talking, telling me to get out? He was lying on the bed next to Toivi, and Toivi couldn’t have moved him to his crib, she didn’t respond. Didn’t that thing who isn’t really Arnie raise a fist to me and threaten me, tell me I’d be a part of him, too? Was that what happened to Toivi? Toivi unconscious and now I can’t move. I must warn Lucien…

  How?

  “I’ve been thinking about this paralysis, Janella. When there’s time later tonight, when I’m sure of Toivi, I want to try an experiment. It’s possible I can bring you out of this better than any doctor. I’ll have to try, should have tried the other time—that poor damned Chris…” His words trailed off and he touched her cheek briefly and was gone.

  Chris again. Had this same awful paralysis happened to her? Janella concentrated on not crying—miserable to be paralyzed and cry. No hands to wipe away tears or to hold a handkerchief to blow a nose. Crying wouldn’t help Lucien. He might be walking into deadly danger, but she had no way to let him know.

  After a time her eyes grew heavy and she dozed again.

  Then she thought Lucien was back, but it was all mixed in with a dream of her father. “Finnish is a different way to say words,” he said. “You can count in Finn just as you’ve already learned to count in English.”

  No, she thought. No, no.

  Was she awake? Was the gold she saw Lucien’s eyes? Not Daddy’s golden owl, the kulta pollo—Akki took the owl and the silver chest. Akki had given her them and taken them away. But why didn’t Toivi have them, then? Toivi always wanted the silver chest, but Daddy…

  No. She was Janella, not little Janny. She was in Lucien’s room, on his bed. Yes, he was here with her, she could hear his voice.

  “Don’t fight me, Janella. You can relax your mind as your body is relaxed. Think the numbers with me as I count backwards from ten.”

  No. Going into her head was dangerous. This time she might never come out again because there was nothing to return to. Inside were Mama and Daddy. Inside she could move and run and talk.

  “Janella, look at me.”

  She was, wasn’t she?

  “Really look, Janella—see me. I’m here. Do you believe I’d hurt you?”

  That’s what Daddy always said—“I won’t hurt you.” With an effort she focused her eyes so she saw Lucien clearly. Did she trust him? Should she blink a yes? She couldn’t believe he’d harm her if he saw what the harm was. But he didn’t know…

  His f
ace was coming closer, closer, and she shut her eyes, feeling his lips touch hers. It made her feel even more helpless because she couldn’t touch him.

  “Janella,” he said into her ear, “I have to hypnotize you so I can retain control. I want to suggest some things to you while you’re in an altered state of consciousness. I can’t ask you the questions now—you won’t know the answers unless you’re hypnotized. Will you let me?”

  He pulled back so he could see her eyes. Slowly, reluctantly, she blinked.

  “Count backwards from ten. I’ll be with you.”

  Not right. She would think the numbers in Finn. But then—would she lose Lucien? Ten, she thought in English, nine, eight—it won’t work, I’ve never done it this way—seven, six…

  “When you get to four you will feel so sleepy you can’t stay awake. At two you will be deeply asleep, deeper and deeper asleep than you’ve ever been.”

  Five, she thought, and felt herself begin to drift. Four, three… The numbers were hard to form in her mind now. They seemed abstract symbols having no meaning. Two. What was after two? But it didn’t matter, nothing mattered.

  “At one you will listen to my suggestions and answer my questions. I’m here to help you, and you will do as I say.”

  One. She swirled into darkness and then she was in the place of the white flowers. The candles were lit and the dark box had Mama inside and the smell was of burning wax and beyond the flowers was the evil place and she had to go there this time. She was being sent.

  Chapter Twenty

  The shadows came from everywhere, crowding out the light, hiding the white flowers, and pressed about her in stifling intimacy. Janella once again felt the flutter inside as though she, too, had a shadow wanting to emerge and join the others. But not her own shadow, not her own at all. She was already two people in this dark place, herself and the little girl she had once been. But she had no shadow of her own—what was this thing inside her?

  There was no time to think in the darkness. She had to remember about being Janella, even in the place of evil. The shadows surrounded her and she drifted with them, faster and faster, trying not to hear the words that pierced the blackness with small explosions of sound. If she understood, if she knew the words, something bad would happen. Daddy made her forget so she would be protected, and it was wrong to remember. Daddy knew what was best for little girls. Daddy…

  But one of the words pursued her, bursting finally into her ear with a loudness that shocked. A gold light filtered into the dark.

  “Janella.”

  Then more words came. “You must obey me.”

  She’d always obeyed Daddy but the voice wasn’t his, and Janny was frightened. She didn’t know this voice. She tried to move again, flow with the shadows, but they had slipped away from the golden light while she was trapped in it, held fast. The voice seemed part of the light and had said her real name, Janella. No one called her that, but it was hers all the same.

  “No,” she whispered, afraid to speak aloud.

  But the golden light heard.

  “You must. You promised.”

  Janny knew the words were true although she had no memory of a promise, didn’t recognize the voice.

  “Daddy,” she pleaded, “help me.”

  “No!” the voice commanded. “Your father must not come to you. You must not call him.”

  Janny shivered, waiting.

  “Where are you?” the voice asked.

  “In the dark by the evil place,” she said. “A golden light comes when you talk and I can’t move. I have to stay in the light.”

  “Are you alone?”

  “The shadows are here but they can’t be in the light with me. All except one…” She paused, not knowing how to tell about the flutter inside.

  “One of the shadows?” the voice encouraged. It was a man’s voice, she knew now, but not Daddy’s.

  “I feel like one of them got inside me and can’t get out.”

  “How long has this shadow been inside you?”

  “It came with me from the last time.”

  “Last time you were in the darkness?”

  “Yes.”

  “How old are you, Janella?”

  “I’m Janny, and I’m seven.”

  “Where are your mother and father?”

  “Mama is dead in the black box there with the flowers. It’s a coffin, Daddy said. I came past that place. But you won’t let me call Daddy.”

  “Is your Aunt Toivi there?”

  “No.”

  “Do you remember all the times you’ve been where you are now?”

  “I’m not supposed to.”

  “You have to do as I say, and I want you to remember everything.”

  “Do I have to?”

  “Yes.”

  “I can’t,” she whimpered. “Daddy won’t…”

  The voice cut her off. “Why did your father stop you from remembering? Did something happen—something bad?”

  Janny thought. “Mama,” she said hesitantly. “When Mama got sick, Daddy said wouldn’t she try going on the pathway one more time because he needed her, and she cried and told him she didn’t like to, she was afraid.”

  “Why are you stopping?”

  Janny swallowed. “Because I was afraid, too. Mama told Daddy she wouldn’t find her way back one of the times, and he said he’d always be there to lead her to safety, and she cried.”

  “Where were you?”

  “I listened. Daddy didn’t know I listened. But I knew Mama was scared, and so I hid to find out what was scaring her.”

  “Why?”

  “Mama was inside my head lots of times, and I’d be afraid when she was. So I wanted to know.”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  It was on the edge of her mind. If she didn’t try to grab, maybe the memory would come close enough to see. She was beginning to get cold, cold surged around her as she remembered…

  Daddy saying the words, the words to push Mama into the other place where the pathways were, where she didn’t want to go, and Janny trying to follow her along the dark path and getting lost, and then Mama screaming and Daddy’s voice loud and frightened.

  “Come on, Mama,” Janny had said to let her mother know she was there. “I hear Daddy—that’s the way to get back, Mama. Please come with me.” But there was no way to make Mama stop screaming long enough to understand, and Janny couldn’t find the way inside Mama’s head even though the screaming was so close it hurt. And at last Janny was too afraid to stay, and so she followed Daddy’s words and came out, and there she was huddled under the bed in Mama’s and Daddy’s room and she could see Daddy’s feet and she crawled out and looked and Mama was there on the big brass bed, only she really wasn’t, and Janny yanked on Daddy’s arm and told him Mama was still in the other place, screaming because she was lost.

  “I tried to find her, Daddy,” Janny sobbed. “I tried to. I could hear you but she couldn’t. Please get Mama back, Daddy.”

  And Daddy had picked Mama up, talking to her, loud words right in her ear, but it wasn’t really Mama, just part of her, and the other part never came back, and everybody thought Mama was dead instead of lost, and so she had to be put in a coffin and buried with the stiff white flowers.

  “Why did you let them bury her, Daddy?”

  Daddy looked different because he didn’t smile anymore, and sometimes he cried, and he wouldn’t talk to Janny, and so she kept searching for the other place, but she couldn’t remember all the words Daddy used and so she wasn’t able to get there.

  Then Aunt Toivi came. She was Daddy’s sister but she didn’t seem very grown up. Janny didn’t know her at first, although she knew Janny. After a while Daddy began to laugh a little because Toivi was so funny and told him silly stories, and she taught Janny a lot more Finn than she had learned from Daddy. Lots of secret words she wasn’t supposed to tell Daddy about, and she didn’t because some of them were the right ones for getting to the place where Mama was
lost.

  “I guess you don’t know all the words,” Janny said to her aunt. “You say it wrong.”

  Aunt Toivi got real excited, and so Janny told her aunt about the other place with the paths and how she’d go and find Mama if only someone would give her all the words.

  “Ask your father,” Toivi told her, and she was scared to—so Toivi did.

  “Your daughter has a right to know—she carries the double genes from both you and Lisa. Janny has power whether you want it or not.” Toivi laughed way up high. “Do you think you can stop the development of a noita? Don’t be a fool.”

  Janny was outside the door where Aunt Toivi had left her, so Daddy didn’t know she was there.

  “I killed Lisa,” he said to Toivi, while Janny tried to understand. Lisa was Mama, but Mama was just lost. Maybe Daddy was sorry he made Mama go when she was afraid.

  “I won’t let my child follow these dangerous, useless paths,” he yelled at Toivi.

  “You can’t stop her.”

  “I can. I will.”

  “She was there with Lisa. Hasn’t she told you?”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Don’t be stupid. She told me her mother was lost in what she called the ‘other place’ and if she knew all the right words she’d go find her and bring her back.”

  “Oh my God,” Daddy said.

  “Was Janny with you the night Lisa died?”

  “She—she said something about her mother. I was still trying, still hoping…” his voice stopped.

  “You mean you didn’t listen to Janny that night?”

  “No.”

  “You are a fool, Arnold. Janny might have helped…”

  “No, no—I’d have lost her too.”

  Aunt Toivi laughed. “Well, I’ve taught your daughter most of what I know. It’s not enough—I don’t know enough, as you are quite aware.”

  “Leave her alone!”

  “It’s too late. Haven’t I told you she’s already been out? She went with Lisa the night Lisa didn’t come back. And she knows. She can’t understand why you buried her mother when she’s just lost.”

  “But Toivi—you know Lisa died…”