On a Dark Wing

by Jordan Dane

  “You look kind of…” He looked at me, top to bottom.

  “Kind of what, Tanner?”

  “Kind of…hot, actually.”

  “Oh, brother.” I rolled my eyes and scooted around him to reach for the door handle. I acted like he annoyed me, but inside I grinned.

  “Abbey?” Tanner stopped me from opening the door by touching my arm. His expression had changed and he had a hard time looking at me. “I know you promised to tell me everything later, but I gotta ask one thing. Do you…have feelings for this guy? Is that why…?”

  He didn’t finish. Still avoiding my eyes, he stopped and waited for me to say something. That’s when the silence in the room got real loud.

  My feelings for Nate were…complicated. I’d obsessed over him for so long that I mistakenly believed those feelings were love. When he kissed me on the mountain, I thought he felt the same, but now I knew that wasn’t true. Death had kissed me, and all because of the love he had inside him, a gift he cherished from my mother. The real Nate—the one dying inside ICU—wouldn’t know me at all.

  Something had been off about my kiss with Nate for many reasons, but maybe one of those reasons had been Tanner. I wanted to be with a boy and feel loved. I thought Nate could give me that, but now I realized I’d been wrong. Nate had always been a fantasy. He wasn’t real.

  But Tanner was real and just now, when he looked at me—blushing like a shy boy—I could tell why he asked and I knelt in front of him.

  “I had a crush on Nate Holden, but that’s all it was. Feelings like that are one-sided. They’re not real. I see that now, but Nate’s in trouble, Tanner. Real trouble…and I don’t have time to explain.”

  “Right…no time.” He nodded, without looking up at me. “Did you know that time was invented so everything didn’t happen at once?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him and smiled.

  “I’m glad you’re with me, Tanner.” I touched his cheek and when his lips nudged into a lazy grin, I said, “I think there’s a difference between crushing on someone and feeling the real deal. Right now, this is only a theory. I’m not exactly loaded with experience on the topic.”

  When I shrugged, Tanner leaned down and kissed me. With a gasp in my throat, I cupped his face with my hands and breathed him in. I didn’t know if Tanner felt the same way that most boys did about girls, since he was paralyzed from the waist down, but he made me want to find out. I had a strong feeling that my best friend would be different from most boys—period—not because he had a wheelchair, but because he would be the kind of guy who fell in love with his mind and his heart, too. The wrong girl could really hurt him, bad. But with the right one, he’d give her a precious key to open everything about him.

  Yet even as I kissed him, I didn’t know if that girl could ever be me. I didn’t feel good enough. With that harsh reality invading my mind, I opened my eyes and pulled back from him.

  “Ah, sorry. I, ah…we gotta go.”

  “Yeah.” He nodded. “You’re right.”

  Tanner leaned back in his chair and waited for me to stand and open the door. After that kiss, and with every other feeling of doubt spiraling through me, I felt more on edge than ever as we walked through the tenth floor. I became an obvious example of what not to do. I avoided casual glances like eyeballs were equipped with lasers that could disintegrate me with a look. And the way I fidgeted, I must have seemed like a jacked-up druggie between fixes. I white-knuckled the grips on Tanner’s wheelchair, stone-cold scared we’d get caught and lose my one shot at helping Nate.

  But Tanner picked up on my nervous-wreckage routine and talked me off the ledge with his calm voice, telling me where to go on the tenth floor. He reminded me to stay calm and not push his ride like we were in a race. I took a deep breath and shook my hands before I started over.

  Everywhere we went, I saw the night shift coming on duty. New faces reported in, manned desks and took over from the day crew. Tanner’s plan came together and although he didn’t know any more about this hospital than any other, I trusted him. He went by feel and navigated the halls like he knew what was what. That worked for me. It didn’t take long to figure out what he looked for.

  An orderly wheeled a patient on a gurney from the O.R. and Tanner told me to follow him. When we got to a bank of elevators that didn’t look open to the public, I smiled at the guy and acted like I knew what I was doing—until Tanner opened his mouth and I nearly lost it.

  “I’m visiting my dad in Intensive Care,” he told the guy. “Is this the right elevator? I think my driver’s lost, but won’t admit it.”

  When the orderly shot me a questioning stare, I raised both my eyebrows and said, “It’s my first day. I got turned around.”

  “It happens,” the orderly replied. “Yeah, this is the right elevator. The button panel on the inside will tell you which floor, but I’m goin’ to ICU. You can follow me.”

  “Thanks, but there may not be enough room. We can catch the next one.” I forced a smile.

  “No, I really don’t want to wait,” Tanner contradicted me. “You mind if we jump your ride? It might be a tight fit, but I’d really like to see my dad. I’m afraid she could get us lost again, even on an elevator that only goes up and down.”

  “Yeah, sure. No problem,” the uniformed man said.

  When the elevator doors opened and the orderly turned his back, I thumped Tanner in the back of his head with my knuckle. He flinched and semi-snorted a laugh that I prayed the other guy didn’t catch. But after I thought about it, piggybacking on gurney guy’s ride made sense. When he got to ICU with his patient, he’d be a distraction that we could hide behind. Since we didn’t know what to expect in ICU, an unconscious patient fresh from the O.R. might give us a shot to scope things out and be a convenient diversion.

  I had to give Tanner props for his quick thinking, but the elevator ride with him and gurney guy would only be the calm before the storm. The worst was yet to come.

  Once we got to Intensive Care, I knew we’d have to keep a low profile until we got the green light for Nate’s room. A stone-faced night nurse could kill the deal and it would take a major stroke of good luck to slip into Nate’s room unnoticed with his mom around. As we rode the elevator, all the reasons stacked against me weighed heavy on my mind. I knew that Tanner had done what he could to get me this far.

  The rest would be up to me.

  Like we’d hoped, the orderly rolled out his patient and went to an attendants’ station without even looking over his shoulder. We split in the opposite direction, pronto. Tanner took over his chair and didn’t let me push him. Guess he figured it would be less hassle if I didn’t have to worry about him. Avoiding the nurses, I kept my head down and didn’t look around until Tanner whispered my name.

  “Abbey, down here.”

  He waved his hand, calling me to a glass room on the opposite end of the floor from where the new patient checked in. I stepped up my pace and grabbed onto his wheelchair, until I saw what he’d found.

  Nate Holden had a private room. The curtains were open, enough for us to see in, and the lights were dim, but the best part—his mom was nowhere in sight.

  “What did I do to deserve this?” I whispered into Tanner’s ear.

  “Come on. Let’s go in.” He gripped his wheels and made a move to go in, but I pulled him back.

  “Wait. What if she comes back and catches us?” I shook my hands and shifted my gaze between sick Nate and an insistent Tanner.

  My stomach tightened into a fist and I couldn’t make my feet move, but I did manage to glance over my shoulder, risking eye contact with the ICU attendants. I finally found Nate’s mom. She stood at the nurses’ station, looking over a clipboard with a pen in her hands. She hadn’t seen me. Since I had no idea what she was doing, I couldn’t guess how l
ong she’d be away from Nate.

  With her close by, I felt like a low-life slug, sneaking behind her back to see her sick son, but I’d come this far. What were four more tiny steps? That should have been an easy answer, yet for me, it wasn’t. My luck was crap and this suddenly felt like an epic mistake. I turned back from watching Nate’s mom and looked down at Tanner.

  “She’s at the desk, doing paperwork,” I whispered.

  “Come on, then. Let’s go, Abbey.” Tanner went for the door to Nate’s room, but stopped when I didn’t follow him. When he looked back at me, he sighed.

  “Abbey, this is a gift. He’s in there alone. If you give up now, you might not get this chance again. Is he in trouble, or not?”

  Shaking head to toe, I swallowed hard. My throat went dry and I felt sick, but Tanner had a point. I finally nodded and pushed him into Nate’s ICU room with both of us shutting the drapes to hide what we were about to do. With the curtains drawn, I held my breath. I swear, I expected someone to call security and for alarms to go off, but when nothing happened, I turned toward Nate—with Tanner watching every move I made.

  No pressure…no pressure at all.

  When I saw Nate—the real Nate—for the first time, seeing him in his hospital bed only reminded me what a fool I’d been. Death had conned me and now Nate would pay the price. Reality hit me hard. The last time I’d seen him, Nate was at school with his buddy Josh making plans for the big climb—his dream of a lifetime—before I messed everything up for them.

  Now this.

  Seeing him hooked up to machines that breathed for him scared me. I couldn’t feel any connection to him. The crush I had on him seemed trivial and unimportant, like my obsession over him had been a million years ago. Because of those feelings, I had put Nate in danger without knowing it. From the day of the accident that took my mother’s life, I felt the dominoes of fate tipping, crashing forward one by one until they brought me here—standing by Nate’s ICU bed—and a powerful dark feeling came over me.

  Was I too late?

  The Nate I crushed on had been a healthy, confident, amazing guy who was gone now. Only a very sick boy had been left behind. A dying boy. Even if I dared to dream that he might survive his ordeal, what would he remember? He’d be changed forever, because of me. I’d gone into this blind with no idea what I was doing.

  His body could be nothing more than an empty shell. Death might have already taken his soul and robbed him of the essence of who he was and highjacked his memories of the people he cared for most and who loved him back. I touched his cheek and his skin felt cold. The boy with the warm flushed skin that I had kissed on my mountain was only a distant memory. And with the shadows under his eyes, Nate looked like he was beyond my help—or anyone’s.

  Why did I ever think I could make a difference? I was a joke. A loser. I was Necro Girl, queen of the walking wounded. Why was I even here?

  “It’s not fair. You can’t let him die, not like this,” I whispered as tears rolled down my face. “Not because of me.”

  “Who are you talking to, Abbey?”

  I heard Tanner’s voice, but couldn’t say anything, or even turn around. I wouldn’t take my eyes off Nate, not even for my best friend. There was too much at stake that he didn’t understand. Even though my grief-stricken mind reeled with what Death had told me, I struggled to remember everything. I had a feeling it would be important.

  The Angel of Death said that his greatest fear had been living an eternity, feeling nothing and that dying might be a welcomed alternative. I didn’t know what he meant then, but I did now. The darkest of angels had wanted to know the whole human experience. He’d taken everything from Nate.

  Now Death wanted his last breath, too.

  “You’re still in him, aren’t you? You want to know what it’s like to die.” My throat wedged tight and I felt a new swell of tears. “You once told me that suicide was a profound waste, that it squandered life, yet what do you call this? You’re done with immortality, aren’t you? If you want to call it quits, no one can stop you, but why take Nate with you? What happens to my mom’s soul if you die? Every soul you hold should be precious to you. They’re your responsibility. Why have you stopped caring?”

  With all Death’s talk—of living through infinity feeling nothing—I sensed he grasped for the human experience of dying, too. The longer Nate was possessed by Death, the weaker the dark angel got. I had seen that with my own eyes on the mountain. Although Death had told me that was an outcome he hadn’t expected, because no being had ever done what he did before—maybe dying had become something Death craved now…for himself.

  Who knew what it would be like to exist for an eternity as a collector of souls, only knowing duty and being alone forever? Thinking of him in that way made me ache with sadness. Yet no one would appreciate the quirk of fate more than Death with his dark sense of irony—that in learning how to live, he’d soon know what it would be like to die.

  Although he had told me how much he valued human life, he’d made bargains with my mother and had taken over Nate’s body to become human…to be with me. So it wasn’t hard to believe he’d be willing to sacrifice one human life to end his suffering and escape an eternity of feeling nothing.

  I suddenly knew Death wouldn’t listen to me. I had to think of another way to stop what was happening.

  “Nate? Are you still in there?”

  “Abbey, what’s going on? You’re going Blair Witch on me.” Tanner rolled his wheelchair closer. I felt him behind me, but I couldn’t stop.

  “Look at me, Nate. Open your eyes and really see me,” I begged. Reaching for his hand, I squeezed it. I had to know if he was still in there. “I’m here, holding your hand. Reach out like you did before, with your mind. You were strong enough once. I know you can do it again.”

  The hiss of the ventilator and the beeping of the heart monitor was all I heard. Nate lay stone-cold still. Not even his eyes twitched. Only his chest heaved from the ventilator pumping into him.

  “Nate, do it for your family. Zoey needs you. She’s here at the hospital. Be strong for her,” I pleaded. “My mother traded places with me the day of our accident. She died for me. That’s how much she loved me. I’ve seen that same love in your mother’s eyes, Nate. She needs you to fight back. We all do.”

  Still nothing. I squeezed his hand and laced my fingers in his. Heat rose to my face as an overwhelming sense of panic closed in. Nate was slipping away and I wasn’t strong enough. I lowered the bed rail to be closer to him and I touched his chest to make a connection.

  When I still felt nothing, I let the words come from my heart, holding nothing back.

  “Don’t make me have to live with what I’ve done. I’m not as strong as you. Please!”

  Shutting my eyes tight, I collapsed on his bed, laying my head on his chest. I heard his heart beating, but I knew machines were helping him do that. It felt as if Nate was already gone and the worst was yet to come. I’d have to deal with what would happen next. All the pain I’d felt since my mother’s death, I knew would magnify for every one of Nate’s family—especially Zoey.

  I didn’t know how I would live with that.

  “Abbey?”

  I heard Tanner’s voice like it came from a faraway place.

  “Abbey, look at him. Can you see it?” When Tanner finally got through to me, I dared to open my eyes and stare down at Nate.

  It took a while before he came into focus, but this time when I saw him, I noticed what Tanner had seen. Nate’s eyes moved under his lids. It felt like he was in there, struggling to open them. With him stirring, monitors beeped and alerts went off. My alone time with him had run out. The nurses and doctors would be rushing in.

  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I thought what I saw was a good thing—but I was dead wrong.


  From deep inside Nate’s body, a ghostlike image heaved from his chest and arms, struggling to break free. Nate split in two and blinding spears of light erupted from him. Covering my eyes, I stumbled back and tripped over Tanner’s wheelchair. When I collapsed onto his lap, he held me tight and pulled away from the bed. Something massive separated from Nate’s body, cutting through him and splitting him apart with an intense light.

  “What’s happening, Abbey?” Tanner yelled. “What the hell is that thing?”

  Through my gapping fingers, I squinted into the light. My eyes burned and watered, but I couldn’t look away. I had to see it. I had to know for sure.

  “Oh, my, God,” I gasped. “I was right. He’s still here.”

  “Who is, Abbey?” Tanner grabbed me tighter and rolled his wheelchair farther away. “What’s happening to Nate?”

  Before I could explain, the piercing streaks of light jutted from Nate’s body until the ICU room filled with a spiraling cloud that pulsed and glowed as the energy passed through him. When I glared into the hovering light, my eyes watered and my hair swept back as if I stood in a strong wind, until the entity took a familiar shape.

  Gone was the gentle boy made of clouds and sky. In his place rose a powerful being, with energy radiating around me and through me. Static electricity zapped my body, making my skin tingle even through my clothes. Jolts of energy pricked my skin in a million jabs of a needle and when a blaring heart monitor sent out a high-pitched alert, the bed rails rattled from the pressure building in the room. My ears popped and a jarring pain shot down my back. When the light hurt my eyes, I turned away and saw Tanner.

  He’d be a sitting duck, another guy I could hurt because of Death’s obsession with me.

  “Tanner, we gotta get out of here. Move it. Now!”

  I waved my hands, begging him to open the door and let me back him out of the room. No time to turn his wheelchair around. On instinct, he did as I said, keeping his eyes on the growing light behind me. The fear I saw in Tanner’s eyes scared the hell out of me.