Sincerely, James Taiga
Owner of Taiga Productions
That was the freaking owner of the company. The same director who’d won award after award at the Sundance festival. The same owner who I’d missed the last time I won and was taken to be introduced. He was a fan of me? He knew who I was? They wanted me to be the lead on not just one piece, but three?
I waited for the excitement to kick in, but all I felt was this looming sadness that wouldn’t go away. It didn’t make sense. This was what I’d been waiting for. It was why I got into the industry.
I stood and reached for the bag of chips, and then began stuffing my face.
You’re happy about this, Hartley. This is what you’ve always wanted, I told myself, crunching harder than needed. I was married to the idea of moving on. It was what I did.
Putting the bag down on my keyboard, I grunted.
I didn’t want to feel sad. I wanted to be exited. I’d been good at believing my own lies, but this one… it felt too big. Too much. It was a feeling that couldn’t be ignored. It was a pulsing, painful ache in my heart that had never been there before.
Bilbo licked at my leg, and then plopped down on my foot. It was his favorite resting spot.
“You’re fine, Hartley. Walk it off,” I said. I shoved the chips aside, and then opened the email again.
Dear James,
I’m in. It’s been a dream of mine to work with you. Send me the details, and I’ll make the necessary arrangements to be there at the start of the project.
Sincerely,
Hartley Fernsby
I hit send before I could stop myself and sat back, staring at the screen. There. I did it. I took those ugly feelings and let my dreams squash them for me. I just had to figure out how to tell Hudson. He said we could work it out. We were in this together. But distance in a relationship was the shovel tossing dirt into a grave.
My fingers tapped against the table as I worried my lip between my teeth.
I glanced down at Bilbo. “Tonight. I’ll tell him tonight over dinner.” Bilbo’s head tilted to the side. “He’ll be totally fine about it,” I continued as I stroked him behind his ears. “He knew I had work around the corner. We agreed on no conditions. There’s no need to worry about how he’ll react.”
Bilbo groaned, and I couldn’t agree more. Despite my lies, I felt like I was tied to a track and the freight train of my truth was barreling toward me.
And that truth was—Hudson couldn’t follow me, and I couldn’t stay.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK?” HUDSON asked before taking another large bite from his sandwich. It was amazing how much food a man could fit into his mouth without choking.
“Martha did it again.” I licked my fingers before digging back into the fish sandwich. It had mushrooms and onions, and this amazing melty cheese I’d turned my nose up to when he first described it.
“Cheese on fish?” I’d said, making a face.
“Trust the process,” he replied, shoving the plate in front of me.
He was right. The fish was mild enough that it acted more as a foundation for the cheese than a counterpart.
“She’s going to enter into a food competition, and this is the sandwich she’s taking with her. If it wins, it could put us on the map.” He finished the large sandwich in a record of three bites.
I wasn’t even halfway through.
“She’ll steal the show, for sure,” I said, avoiding his eyes. I kept telling myself not to, but I couldn’t help it. He looked at me so lovingly it made me feel squirmy in my seat.
He took the plates back to the kitchen, and then returned with a beer. “So how was your day?”
After the email, Hudson had headed to the diner to help Martha with the lunch rush. I spent most of the day on the dock, staring at the water, trying to be excited for myself, but failing miserably. Trying to think of the right words to tell Hudson.
“It was good.” I reached for the whiskey and coke Lucas had brought me. I downed the whole glass as we sat next to each other out back, watching men fish.
“Whoa,” Hudson said, chuckling. “The last time you drank like that, we christened the back porch.”
“Maybe I’m going for round two,” I joked, searching for Lucas. I needed something stiffer. And more bread.
“You okay?” He reached for my hand. I jumped. I didn’t mean to jump. I quickly plastered a smile to my face and squeezed his hand. “Absolutely. I just missed you. And I have this killer headache growing.”
He watched me for a moment. As if he didn’t believe me. I glanced away. He was good at reading me. Better than I was at reading myself.
“Do you want another one?” I asked, pointing to his beer.
He considered it. “I still have half a glass left.”
“Yeah, but I’m on E and I figured I’d save you a trip.”
“Sure,” he said strangely, eyebrows stitched with questions.
I grabbed my glass, and then hightailed it for the kitchen. Martha was helping the new guy wash the rest of the day’s dishes. Lucas was cleaning out the warming stations.
“Hey, do you mind if I get another whiskey and coke, and Hudson another beer?”
It didn’t matter if I went behind the bar. I’d been helping off and on for months now, but I needed to get away from Hudson and from the truth I was keeping from him.
“Sure,” Lucas said. “You’re the boss’ girl. Help yourself. You know that.”
I did. And I took a shot before making my drink, and then carried them back to the table where Bilbo sat resting at Hudson’s feet. He hadn’t come near me since that morning’s talk. I think he was punishing me until I finally confessed to his owner.
“One beer for you,” I said as I sat the drinks down.
He glanced at my drink, but didn’t say anything.
I was grateful.
“So, what did you do today? Get any new offers?” he asked as he reached for his beer.
My stomach knotted up. Fuck.
“Hudson, the delivery man is here. Do you mind?” Martha called from the back door.
I let out a huge rush of air as Hudson smiled at me, and then headed in.
“What?” I said when I noticed Bilbo staring at me.
He groaned.
“Oh, hush it. I know, I know. I’m going to tell him. I just have to—”
“Tell him what?” Martha said from behind me.
My ears were instantly on fire.
“Tell him… tell him…” My shoulders slouched. “Tell him I have a job offer that will put me out of town probably for the rest of the year,” I confessed. Damn it, she was so much like Nona. All she had to do was stand near me and the truth fell past my lips.
“Oh, honey.” She threw her rag on her shoulder and took the seat across from me, instantly reaching for my hands. My heart hurt a smidgen less when she touched me, and her form blurred in front of me. “Hudson will understand. You know that. The way he feels about you… that isn’t something just anyone finds. That’s as rare as a shooting star.”
“Yes, but, the company wants me full time. They’re big leagues. That means I’ll move from one project to the next. I have to commit, or I have to decline. There is no middle. And Hudson… he can’t—”
“Leave,” she finished for me, her tone matching the way my heart felt.
“Exactly.”
She waited a beat, and then said, “Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean you have to end things. True love finds a way.”
It scared me how easily she was throwing the love word around. That wasn’t something we’d said to one another. It was another binding mechanism, and we’d promised each other there’d be no chains in our relationship.
“Love doesn’t have a home in my industry,” I said, wishing her eyes didn’t hold mine the way they did. “The first and only love is the art. Everything else falls to the wayside.” She didn’t understand the taxing schedule. It was impossible to carry on something long distance. Th
ere were no days off. Rarely any alone time to have conversations. What kind of a way was that to treat someone I cared about? Why would I subject him to that life? A life where we’d never see each other. Where we’d spend lonely nights yearning for the person on the other side of the phone with no light at the end of the tunnel?
She watched me for a moment, and then her head shook as if she’d come to a conclusion.
I didn’t want to know her conclusion. The veil of gray dulling her eyes told me it wasn’t good.
“Then you have to tell him, dear.”
I stared at the veins in her hands as the heat threatened to spill down my cheeks.
“I will. I just… it has to be the right time. Hudson… he’s… everyone important to him has left him. I don’t want to be another number. I don’t want him to think it’s because of him.”
She patted my hand. “You know what I always say?” I looked up. “Everything will happen as it’s meant to. Of that, I’m sure.”
She stood and left just as Hudson returned.
“You ready to head home?” he asked, running his thumb over my chin.
I smiled weakly. Home. “Let’s go,” I said, feeling the weighted gaze of Martha on my back.
LATER, HUDSON PUT MORE WOOD into the fire as I wrangled a stick from Bilbo’s mouth. He loved it when I tried to take it from him, all slobber and adorable growls. I would miss that. I would miss our late nights sitting fireside, talking about life and all its mysteries. I would miss the way the moon reflected silver ripples from the surface of the lake.
I’d even miss the scent of mosquito repellent.
But every chapter came to an end at some point. I was all too familiar with that. I’d been saying goodbye since I was twelve. Hudson was a big boy. He could handle it. He knew it was coming.
I made a kissy face at Bilbo when I finally got the stick free, and decided it was time.
I was going to tell him right—
“I love you, Hartley.”
I choked on my spit, the coughing fit taking me by surprise. I had to stand. I couldn’t catch my breath. No, no, no.
He was behind me, laughing, patting me on the back. It didn’t help. I took a step away from him, but he didn’t seem to care.
“Honesty, remember?” he said when I stood two steps back from him. “I do. Everything about you. This moment. The way the firelight dances across your skin. The adorable point to your nose. How Bilbo has ditched me for you.”
He filled those two steps with his presence, and I couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. My world was shrinking and expanding at the same time, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.
“You’ve shown me a whole world I never realized I was missing. I never thought was possible. I just… I just wanted you to know that. You don’t have to say it back.” He chuckled, rubbing his hand up the back of his head. “I know we didn’t agree to this, but you said the world needs more honesty, so here’s mine. I love you.”
He hugged me, and I was glad for the support and for the hiding spot I found in the crook of his neck. How could I tell him I was leaving? How could he say those words? We agreed—no conditions, and yet there he was, breaking our agreement.
My stomach felt like liquid slosh. My heart was jackhammering. This was a moment when I was supposed to feel jittery and giddy, but all I felt was a hammer banging away at what was left of my heart. I didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t deserve it.
And why did I always find ways of skirting happiness? Why did I tell myself I wasn’t worthy? There he was, spilling the guts from his heart, and there I was, my hands still slippery from my bleeding heart.
“Was there something you wanted to say?” he asked when he pulled back, hands cupping the back of my neck. “You looked like you were about to say something before I blurted that out.”
He was all grins. The light in his eyes was almost blinding against my dark, ugly truth.
“No,” I lied, kissing him before he saw the lie in my eyes.
WHEN HE WAS FAST ASLEEP, I slithered out of bed and ran to the lake. Standing shin deep, I held up the edges of my nightgown, trying to connect to Hudson as best I could, because it would be the only way. This would be the only time I allowed myself this honesty.
And then I whispered, “I love you, too.”
FEBRUARY 18, 2016
MOST OF MY LIFE, I spent thinking, I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. Until one day it turned into slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
For three days, I tried to find a way to tell Hudson. Something always came up. At least, that was what I told myself. So I resigned to let it happen organically.
Some would call it procrastination.
I called it letting life take the reins.
I scrolled through Facebook while he cooked. A gif popped up of this adorable bunny shaking his head, his big floppy ears whipping back and forth in slow motion, and I had a mental breakdown.
Hudson jumped when I shrieked, and I followed it up with baby talk directed toward the screen.
“Jesus, Hartley. You scared me.”
“This… this…” I couldn’t get the words out. The bunny was so cute and fluffy, and I immediately began compiling a list of the things I’d need to buy to give it the best possible home with me.
He came around the island to stand behind me. “You’re shrieking over a rabbit?”
“He’s so adorable. Don’t you just want to squish his cheeks?”
“No.” He moved back to the stove. It was the second time he’d taken that tone with me since he told me he loved me the other day, and I was doing my best to avoid it.
“But it’s a baby. A cute little squishy baby.” I couldn’t help it. I was a nut for animals. They were all babies in my eyes.
He kept his back to me. Tone flat. “It’s not a baby, and it’s not cute. It’s a dirty, rabid animal.”
“You don’t mean that,” I said, ignoring his tone. “I want him.”
He shook his head. “No… You want the idea of him.”
I flinched. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
He spun, spatula in his hand. God, he was sexy, even with just a spoon in his hand.
“You’re a runner, Hartley. Runners can’t have permanent things. You don’t really want him.”
I stared at him.
“Don’t make that face.”
“What face?”
“The one you’re making,” he said, pointing at me with the spatula.
“It’s the only face I have,” I retorted. “And don’t act like you know me.”
“But I do.”
“You don’t.”
It was his turn to stare at me.
I reached for the chips resting in the bowl in front of me. Stuffed a handful into my mouth before saying, “You know the things I want you to know. Just like I know the things you want me to know. That was part of the deal, right?”
He turned back to the stove, hiding his expression from me. I must have said something wrong, because he didn’t speak to me for a while. Though I wasn’t hungry, I dug my hand into the chip bowl and began munching.
Finally, he spun back around. “You can’t waltz into the bunny’s life, promising a life it never thought it could have, and then leave when the next big thing comes around. Bunnies can’t handle that.” His features had changed. Eyes deepening. Tone broken.
My heart did the pitter-patter thing. “Are we really talking about the bunny?”
“Never mind.” He turned back to the stove. I stuffed another handful of chips into my mouth, thinking about that email I was still waiting on from James. I’d already signed the contract he’d sent over. I was just waiting on the dates, so I could make my travel arrangements.
And tell Hudson.
“I’m sorry,” he said a moment later, his shoulders slouching. “Martha’s sandwich didn’t win, and the new guy quit, so I’m just a little stressed. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
I stood and headed around th
e counter, putting my arms around his waist. “I’m sorry, Hudson.” I squeezed him tight. Rested my head against his chest. “Is there anything I can do?”
He looked down at me. Nudged his nose against mine. God, he smelled good. “Just be you,” he said, kissing me. The kiss was soft and full. An I’m sorry kind of kiss.
When I let go, I took my seat back at the counter, watching as he flipped the burgers in the pan.
“Did we… was that our first argument?” he asked.
I studied the length of his back, tracing invisible fingers down it. “I think so,” I said, laughing a little.
“Huh…” he said in passing thought. “Who do you think won?”
“I did. The woman always wins.” Surely, he knew that.
He made a noise in his throat. He didn’t agree.
“What?” I asked. I shouldn’t have. It was a trap.
“Nothing.” His tone was lighter than before.
He was baiting me.
I took it.
“Don’t say nothing when you mean something. Tell me.”
He spun, ready for the invitation. “Fine. I think I won, and I’ll—” He closed my jaw when it fell open. “And I’ll tell you why,” he finished with a chuckle. “You snore when you sleep. Not a loud snore. It’s small, like a distant plane flying by.”
“I can’t believe you compared me to a plane.”
He wasn’t done. “And you’re a nervous eater. Any time you’re in an uncomfortable situation, you eat.” He pointed to the empty bowl of chips.
Shit. He had me at that.
“The rain wakes you up. Brings out your inner child. You’ll do anything to avoid disappointing someone, even if it means shelfing your own needs.” He moved around the counter. Invaded my senses with his spicy scent. “You like it when I kiss you here.” He ran his lips over the soft spot behind my ear, and liquid heat shot to my lady parts. “And especially here.” He pressed his lips to the hollow of my collarbone. Goose bumps raised along my skin.
He stood, running his thumb over my chin. I wanted to pull him back down, make him continue telling me how much he knew about me. But something changed in his eyes. A sadness deepening the blue.
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