Never Coming Down

by Deja Voss

  “Hell no, child!” she says, her blue eyes glimmering with her wrinkled smile. “I’ve always worried about you. When I was your age, I was out having the time of my life. I know you really love working. I know you have dedicated your whole adult life to school and medicine, but I always hoped one day you’d realize there’s more out there than just this. You know you will always have a place here. And you better take me out for drinks at least once a month so we can stay caught up.”

  It’s all so clear now. Sure, Carol looks like she’s been ridden hard and put away wet, but she’s one of the most beautiful women I know inside and out, and it’s because she’s always lived life on her own terms. I hope that when I’m her age my face tells the same story.

  “You got it,” I promise. “I gotta go before I start thinking rationally here,” I laugh. I hug her close to me one last time for now. “You’re awesome, Carol. I love you.”

  Chapter 34

  Gavin

  “Holy shit, Gavin,” Brooks says, dripping with sweat as we heft the claw-foot tub from the back of my truck. “Are you really that into baths?”

  It’s been a long winter finishing up the interior of the farmhouse. As much as the project had inspired me in the past, it took everything in me to find any motivation to press on much further. I spent a lot of nights laying on that mattress in the master bedroom just staring at the ceiling, drinking myself into stupidity and passing out. Being lonely alone was better than trying not to feel lonely amongst my brothers down at the clubhouse.

  All that’s left are the finishing touches. I hate to admit that she’s right, but an outdoor shower is a logical addition for my lifestyle. After a day of working in the fields or hunting or fishing, being able to just strip down and leave the dirt outside makes perfect sense.

  “You know if I help you put this in, I get full access to it anytime I want,” he says. “Forever. The ladies are going to love this shit.”

  I roll my eyes at him. I know the ladies already love this shit. Dirty birdies have been flocking around nonstop, checking out the progress. Seems like everyone’s trying to play house with me, and all I want is to be left alone.

  “I know exactly what kind of ladies would want to bathe with your nasty ass, and there’s not enough bleach or penicillin on this mountain to clean up that mess, dude.”

  “You know I always bring my own bleach. Too bad hot doctor isn’t around anymore to prescribe the penicillin, though.”

  I pretend like I don’t hear that. Nonstop for the past few months, he’s been hammering on me about her, reminding me of what an asshole I’m being.

  “If you’re so obsessed with her, why don’t you go date her yourself?” I cringe as I say it, instantly regretting even suggesting he goes anywhere near her. It would completely destroy me knowing the two of them were together.

  He laughs. “Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll bring her as my date to your housewarming party. Bribe her with a good old-fashioned Misfit mustache ride right here in this bathtub while you lay around feeling sorry for yourself.”

  “The only way you’d be able to get anything remotely resembling a date with Sloan is if you chopped your damn hand off or something and she had to sew it back on.” He knows he’s getting me a little riled up, but I’m trying not to show it. She doesn’t want to be here; not with me, not with anyone.

  Still, almost compulsively, I keep adding things to the house that I know she would like. I don’t know if it’s because I still have some sort of hope in the back of my mind that maybe things will change, or if I just like the same things she does. Probably a combination of the two. Maybe someday she’ll walk through that door and never want to leave. Even if that doesn’t happen, I’ll still have a really nice house.

  I grab my drill and begin mounting the brass fixtures to the piece of barn wood while Brooks runs the drain line. We hook the plumbing up through the laundry room window. It’s a lot less effort than I expected. I take off my boots and sit in the empty tub, overlooking the giant field in the backyard.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I ask as Brooks slides in on the other end.

  “Just making sure there’s room for two,” he laughs.

  “Well, I was gonna see if you wanted to help me with the bed frame, but apparently I’m giving you the wrong idea.”

  “Oh, I know there’s room for at least three in your bed. Probably more like five,” he says, hopping out of the bathtub. “Do you want to know how?”

  “I think it’s time for me to start drinking for the day,” I say, heading towards the kitchen.

  “Good idea,” Brooks agrees. “Then we can build that big old beast of a bed frame that I know you would’ve never in a million years picked out for yourself. And then you can call that girl and tell her to come up here and pick which one of us she likes better.”

  “I’ll do no such thing,” I say, pulling two beers out of the fridge and handing him one. “I’m over her.”

  “Sure,” he says. “I can totally tell. Especially by the way you’ve been moping around all day every day. And the way you avoid all club functions unless I drag you there by the dick. The way you haven’t even so much as looked at a dirty birdie in months. You gonna live the rest of your life like this?”

  “Maybe I will.” I shrug. It’s like he’s on a mission to piss me off today. “What difference does it make to you? You know what she said. You know what she did. My old man will spend his dying breath making our lives a living hell if she ever comes back.”

  “How is that any different than how he acts now?” He starts picking up pieces of lumber from the living room and dragging them up the steps. “And really, what did she do that was so terrible? Avoided telling you about her body count? Did you just up and start rambling on to her about all the girls you’ve fucked?”

  “Oh, you know it’s deeper than that.”

  “Is it really, though?”

  “She was working with the cops. She ran off on me to the police because she thought I would hurt her. That’s just reality.”

  “Gavin, she was shot at. She went on some sort of backwoods high-speed car chase with Clutch. She watched you dump body bags from a delivery truck. This was in a 24-hour time frame. I mean I know that sounds normal to you or me, but…”

  I have thought about those days a million times over, replayed every second. It’s true. I put her through a lot, and I thought it was just normal. I just assumed she trusted me enough. That she could just accept who I am and what I do and move on.

  I grab the logs and begin lining them up.

  “This is going to be real pretty, Gav,” Brooks says, stepping back, looking at how all the pieces of wood are going to be put together. “Sure would be a shame to see it go to waste on some broad you decide is just ‘tolerable enough’ to spend your life with.”

  “You are really riding me hard on this one, dude. I don’t get it.” I grab my screw gun and begin fitting the brackets to the logs. “Why are you so personally invested?”

  “I just want you to be happy. Since you’ve come back from college you haven’t been right. Close, but not right. That girl did something to you that made me feel like I had my best friend back. She lit a fire under your ass.”

  “Hold these for me.” I hand him a couple of screws while I start working the pieces of wood together. I’m really just trying to brush him off.

  “You better do something before it’s too late.”

  “I will, alright?” I growl. He’s probably right. I need to do something. At least get some closure or something. No sense in chasing after some dream for the rest of my life if she’s already moved on and settled down.

  “And when you do… I will help you finish this bed. But until then, I’m gonna sit in your bathtub and drink all your beer.” He sets the screws just out of reach and skips down the hallway.

  “You’re a real fucker, Brooks.”

  Chapter 35

  Sloan

  Everything that I could possibly sell is gone
. It wasn’t much: some furniture, all my old scrubs, my TV, and my kitchen stuff, but it’s more than enough for a couple tanks of gas and enough peanut butter to last a whole summer.

  Everything I need fits neatly into two duffle bags.

  Everything else is about to go on the curb.

  I’ve lost my damn mind, and it feels so amazing. For the first time in my life, I’m completely free. The sight of the empty apartment fills my heart with sheer joy. Someday soon, I’m sure someone just as sad as me can come here to be miserable for a little while.

  Sure, I’ll need to figure out how I’m going to pay off my debt and function in society eventually, but the fact that it doesn’t have to be here in this town, surrounded by only reminders of everything I’ve ever done wrong is enough to make me feel confident that I made the right choice. There are hospitals literally everywhere in the world. I could even go the Doctors Without Borders route and really repent for my past transgressions.

  Right now, though, all I need is some time to live on my own terms. No schedule. No obligations. No commitments. Nobody to hurt or hurt me. Just my crappy old car, a sleeping bag, and a pile of maps from state parks all over New York and New Hampshire to worry about this summer. I don’t have to be Doctor Sullivan. I don’t have to be Arthur’s ex-girlfriend. I don’t have to be the idiot who let the best man she’s ever met in her life slip through her fingers because I was too stubborn. I can just be free.

  There’s still one thing I need to do to make things right. I pick up my phone and call the one person I know still remotely even cares about me. The one person that I care for with all my heart.

  “Hey,” I say when she picks up. I want to be as apologetic as possible. I don’t feel good about how we left off, and it was all my own doing. Olive is such a beautiful person inside and out and she doesn’t deserve my abuse. “Got a minute?”

  “Hi, Sloan,” she says. “I’m glad you called. I might lose service though. I’m on my way to… never mind that. What’s up?”

  “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I love you, Ollie. I don’t know why I lashed out on you like that. I’m a huge jerk.”

  “It’s ok. I probably should’ve started our conversation with the part about how I told Gavin he was an asshole and kicked him in the nuts for you. You ran off before I could get into all that though,” she laughs. I don’t care if she’s serious or not. She gets me. “So what’s up with you now? Job hunting?”

  “Actually, the hospital offered me a full-time position,” I tell her.

  “That’s amazing!” I let a little silence lapse before I go on, knowing the next thing I say isn’t going to make her exactly enthused. “Did I lose you?” she asks.

  “I didn’t take it.”

  “Sloan!”

  “I’ve spent my whole adult life always having someone telling me what to do. Be it Arthur, or my professors, or my superiors at the hospital. Maybe I’m crazy, but right now I want to make some choices for myself. I’m going on a road trip for the next couple months.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would’ve happily come with you!”

  “It was kind of a last-minute decision. And as much as I love you, I need to do this on my own.”

  “When are you leaving? I want to see you!”

  To be honest, I don’t want to see her. It’s not because I don’t love spending time with my best friend, but because I feel like she might talk me out of this. I’m already a little bit nervous, and it might make it even harder for me to make this leap.

  “First thing in the morning,” I tell her.

  “Well, I can turn around right now and be at your place in less than an hour.”

  “Ollie, don’t,” I plead. “I promise I will call you. And I just might take you up on that offer of moving in with you when I get back. Is that still a thing?”

  “It will always be a thing. I love you, girl. I think you’re nuts, but I don’t exactly hate this idea. Promise me you have protection though, Sloan.”

  “Like your giant bag of condoms?”

  “Now I’m definitely turning around and coming with you.” She giggles and it warms my heart. I can’t count how many times that laugh of hers got me through a rough patch in my life. “I’ll talk to you soon, Olive. While I’m tying up loose ends, can you tell Gavin something for me?”

  “Why don’t you come up and do it yourself? He’s having his housewarming party tonight. I think he’d be happy to see you.”

  I think about that beautiful house, the smell of cedar and the feel of his old t-shirt wrapped around me, and I know that going up there would be a terrible decision. I assume he’s moved on, and I don’t think I really have. Honestly, I miss him like crazy. So many times I’ve had to resist the urge to just pick up my phone and call him, so many nights I’ve thought about how much better it would be falling asleep wrapped in his arms. The ball is in his court though. I’m trying to cut ties and look into the future, not find excuses to drag myself backwards, especially if it leads to opening myself up to rejection again.

  “You know I’m not going to do that,” I tell her.

  “Hey, I think I’m gonna lose ya here,” she says. “If you change your mind, you know where I’ll…”

  Her phone cuts out and all I can hear is silence before the beeping sound of a lost connection. I text her, knowing she probably won’t get it until the morning but it doesn’t matter.

  “Thank you for everything. For loving me when I’m not always lovable. For accepting me for who I am and helping me become who I should be. I might not be here with you, but I’ll always be here for you. Talk soon.”

  I know how much she loves waking up to a bunch of cheesy quotes when she’s hungover. I make sure to decorate each one with a handful of inappropriate emojis.

  Everything is packed. My car is gassed. I just have to carry my coffee table down the hall to my neighbor’s apartment. I offered it to her as a way of thanking her for all the free Wi-Fi she’s given me unknowingly over the last few years.

  She invites me inside, her place not much less sparse than mine, but she has sunny yellow curtains and the sound of nursery rhymes fill the air. Her young daughter is sitting in the corner playing with a doll.

  “Here you are, Janine,” I say, placing the table in the middle of the room.

  “You don’t know how much this helps,” she says. “Ever since Mike left us, I’ve been trying to piece things back together so she can have a chance at a normal life. I’ve just been scooping up furniture here and there.”

  “Are you going to nursing school?” I ask, looking at the stacks of books on the countertop.

  “I’m trying.” She smiles. “It’s hard when you don’t have the money, or anyone willing to give it to you for that matter.”

  Don’t I know it. And I just had myself to look after.

  “We’re happy though. I thought when Mike left that I had lost everything. Now I’m realizing I have more than I ever had. I get to live my life the way I want to live it. I get to raise my daughter to be the woman I want her to be. I’ll take freedom over his money any day.”

  “You’re a strong woman. When you do finish nursing school, you need to give me a call. I will happily highly recommend you at Dixon.”

  “You’re so kind. I’d love to work with you.”

  I feel a slight twinge of sadness about the life I’m leaving behind and all the great people I got to work with, but I also know it’ll be there waiting for me when I come back. If I come back.

  “Good luck, Janine. You’re going to do great no matter what you do. Bye, Lucy!” I say, waving to the little girl.

  Now it’s time for me to go. One last night in the old apartment before I hit the road bright and early. I close the door behind me and start down the hall.

  Chapter 36

  Gavin

  Trixie’s working the grill, the kegs are flowing, the band is loud and rowdy, and my lawn is swarmed with friends and family, dirty birdies and brothers alike. Nothin
g like a good old-fashioned housewarming party to make me feel like complete shit.

  I slaved away on this place all winter long, mindlessly, aimlessly, not even sure of why I was doing it. The repetitive nature of laying floorboards and sanding wood did little to keep my mind off shit. Off my anxiety, off my loneliness, off the fact that I let a really good thing slip through my fingers in favor of my corrupt father and junkie brother’s half-witted opinions.

  Still, these Misfits helped me from day one with this place, revitalizing my grandfather’s place into something even better than he’d imagined. I know he’d be proud to see it not rotting into the ground any longer. The least I can do is throw my men a decent party, let them enjoy the place, get a little wasted and puke on my grass before I can kick off my life of solitude, out from under my father’s mansion.

  “Great party, Gavin,” Kara whispers in my ear. She’s a gorgeous girl: tall, with legs that end at her boobs, and dark skin. She hasn’t been hanging around the club for long, but I could tell from day one she’s had a thing for me. I should probably just take advantage of the fact that she’s running her fingers up my thigh.

  “Thanks, kid,” I brush her away, “but I don’t do sloppy sevenths. Buzz off.”

  “God, whoever hurt you really fucked you up,” she says, pouting.

  “Just because I don’t want your skanky hands on my body doesn’t mean I’m fucked up. Get out of my sight,” I growl. “There are plenty of other dicks floating around in this sea.”

  She storms off with a huff, loudly cursing my name and flailing her arms. I don’t blame her. Maybe I did cross the line a little there.

  “Jesus Christ, Gavin,” Heat laughs, patting me on the back. “You’re a little high-strung, don’t you think? Here.” He thrusts a joint at me, and I put my hand up.

  “I’m good, man. Thank you.”

  “What’s wrong?” he asks. “You getting soft on us, Grandpa?”