I Am Her...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  "It's not about what I want. Would you like to talk to me in private?"

  "I don't know." Shit. I'm so confused.

  "Okay, no worries. How about we talk a little, and if you get uncomfortable and want to wait for Z, we stop. Just like that."

  "Will you be mad at me if I need to stop? I really don't want you to be mad. Please, just tell me what to do. What do you want?" Christ! I hate making decisions. Really? I've never realized that before.

  "Listen to me closely- I need you to understand something very important. Please believe me when I say, absolutely nothing you do or don't do, nothing you say, or don't say is going to anger me. I am YOUR doctor and I'm Z's close friend, but you are the one here with all the choice, and I will respect your choices with absolutely NO repercussions, I promise. Do you trust me?" Um.... "Okay. Can you at least trust what I just promised to you?"

  "I'll try."

  "Okay." This is going to be horrible, I know it.

  "What is the last thing you remember?" Oh. Blush.

  "Ah, I remember when Z and I... um, you know." Another blush.

  "Had sex?" Flinch. "You remember when you and Z were together. Z told me that was the night before I met you. Do you remember meeting me the following morning?"

  "No, I'm sorry. I'm sure I should remember. I'm really sorry..." This seems bad or something. Is he offended?

  "Listen to me. I am not angry or offended. I told you I wouldn't be. You were suffering at the time. Medically speaking you were suffering an acute brain trauma. You were suffering immensely; your brain was suffering immensely, so if you don't remember anything the morning we met, it’s absolutely understandable, even typical. I'm just trying to assess what you do and don't remember. Please just relax. We're friends too, and I want to help you. That's all."

  "Okay. I'll try to relax. I just don't remember you, but I kind of feel like I know you. Does that make sense?" Big inhale.

  "Yes. You did meet me, so you feel like you know me, though right now you have no cognizant memory of meeting me. This is all very normal."

  "Oh, well... good then. Thank you." Exhale.

  "So you remember when you and Z were together. How do you feel about that?" The sex?

  "I feel fine about it. Why? Shouldn't I? Oh, I shouldn't, right? I'm still married. Oh god, I guess I’m a whore now. I'm sorry Mack. I don't feel good about it. I really don't. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to do that with Z, and I'm sure he's sorry he was with me..."

  "Actually, I'm NOT sorry, At All," Z states walking into the room.

  "Hello, Z. Perfect timing. We were just discovering her last memories... Would you like to continue with Z in the room, or would you like him to leave? The choice is absolutely yours. Isn't it, Z?"

  "Of course. Whatever you want sweetheart. I can wait in the hall until you're finished, if you’d like." Oh, god. What should I do?

  "Um… please leave. Just for now! Please, I'm sorry... I mean, I want you to stay, but... NO, its okay. You can stay. I'm fine."

  Walking to me, Z takes my hand, and leans over the bed. Kissing my lips gently, Z seems to exhale into my mouth.

  Ew. When was the last time I brushed my teeth? Gross. Pulling away, I can't help but just stare at him. He is so handsome still... So, so beautiful or something. I feel that pull toward him, but I also feel such sadness. Why does looking at his face always make me so sad?

  "Please don't cry, love. I'm going to go out into the hall, but I'll be back as soon as you want me to return. I told you before; I'm not leaving you... unless you ask me to."

  "I don't want that. It's just; you make my heart hurt or something. I can't really explain it."

  "And you make my heart happily beat faster." Oh god, that was so lovely. More tears.

  "Thank you for saying that. No one says stuff like that to me. No one feels that way about me. No one..."

  "It’s okay, sweetheart. Talk with Mack for a while, and I'll be waiting for you to finish."

  "Okay. Thank you." Another big exhale. When was I holding my breath?

  "There is one thing I must say first though. Sweetheart, I do not regret our time together, and I do not regret making love with you. You were amazing, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I don't feel badly about it, and I wish you wouldn't either. As far as I'm concerned, you were separated at the time, therefore, you did not commit an infidelity. You may see it however you like, but that's how I see it. I did not feel badly then, and I do not feel badly now. Okay?"

  "Sure..." Was that convincing? I doubt it.

  "Talk with Mack, and he'll come get me when you're ready."

  "Thank you."

  Watching Z leave makes me exhale again. Why is that? I want him here, I really do, but I can't really talk about the sex stuff with him here because he makes me want more or something. God, I'm so confused and I can’t help crying again. Oh, Mack is watching me now. Stop crying!

  "What's wrong? What are you feeling right now?"

  "I don't know..."

  "Could you try? Please? Just look at your feelings, and try to explain them to me." How? I have nothing but silence in my head.

  ==========

  Oh, he's waiting for me to speak. Dammit. Fine. I'll talk.

  "I don't know what I feel at the moment, Mack. Z is wonderful, and handsome, and, and so good. He’s way out of my league. So, I know I should tell him to go away and never come back, but I don't want him to leave me. I want him here, which is selfish and wrong. He should be spending his time with someone else who is good, and beautiful, and wonderful- Not with me. I know that. Plus, he makes me want things I'll never have, and don't deserve, so he really should go. But then my heart starts hurting when I see him, and my heart hurts more when I don't see him, and I don't know what to do. If I was a good person, I would make him go away, but I'm not a good person, so I want to beg him to stay. It's back and forth, kind of."

  More silence. Jeez... Is Mack ever going to speak?

  "I don't know what you want me to say. I feel like I kind of love him or something, and I know I shouldn't, and I know he doesn't feel the same way, and I know he shouldn't feel the same way. I know I’m going to have to go back, and Z will be this, like, really amazing memory that I'll always have, and always pull out when I'm so sad and lonely I could scream. But that's it. Z will be no more to me than a memory. I don't want more than that, and I know he doesn't. I'm not even sure why he's still here. He is too good for all this. I mean really? What if I'm brain-damaged or something..." giggle “...Sorry. That's not funny. I just don't understand why he's here, and I don't really want him here anymore. He should just go home, or go back to work, or go have sex with some wonderful, beautiful, good woman. Not me. Not that we’re ever going to have sex again, but if we were going to, I wouldn't do it. I have 2 memories of sex with Z to last me a lifetime..."

  And more Silence. Come on! Say something. Don't just stare at me. What the Fuck?

  "Why aren't you speaking? Why are you just staring at me? Am I a big joke to you? Why do you ask me to tell you things, and then just mock me when I do? I thought you were a nice doctor, Mack... Not a fucking asshole! Stop staring at me like that! What the fuck is your problem?! Is this funny to you? The short, round chick crying and tortured over the hot guy she can never have or keep? Am I fucking funny to you?! Say something! For fuck’s sake... SPEAK!"

  "Why are you so agitated right now?"

  "Because you're being a total Fucking Asshole!"

  "How?"

  "Oh, FUCK you!"

  "Please tell me how I'm being a 'fucking asshole' right now?"

  "Finger ‘air quotes’? You just used fucking finger quotes? Are you fucking mental, Doctor Mack? Who the fuck still uses air quotes when speaking? I thought that went out in, like, the 90's!" How fucking funny.

  Great howls of laughter burst forth from me, and I can't stop. What a fucking loser Mack is. Honest to god. This is the person who's supposed to help me. This idiot!

  My laughter continues. Great r
ocking howls of laughter... Oh funny. Ah, I can barely breathe for the laughter. Gasp. More laughter. Gasp again. Shit. I can't breathe.

  "Breathe slowly. You're starting to hyperventilate. Just take a slow, deep breathe in, and release it slowly."

  "I... I can't. Oh, god, h-help me. I can't get a… breath... in."

  "Nice and easy. You're having a panic-attack. Look at me. Just look at me and breathe slowly."

  "Help me... please."

  "Can I touch you? I just want to rub your back. Is that okay?"

  "Yes, please..." Gasp. Oh god. "It hurts... my head… so bad."

  Walking to me, Mack sits on the side of my bed. Pushing me forward so my head hangs, he begins rubbing slow circles on my back. It feels okay, kind of good, actually. He's not creepy, or pervy.

  "Breathe as slowly as my movements. The panic attack is fading now. Breathe slowly. Would you like me to get Z? He told me he has often helped you through these..." What else has Z told him?

  "Yes, p-please."

  Leaving my side, Mack walks to the door, and I suddenly panic again. Shit! Is he coming back? Oh god, please come back... But seconds later, Z pushes the door open. Striding to me quickly, he practically jumps onto the bed, and takes my face in his hands.

  "Breathe slowly, sweetheart. Listen to my voice, and breathe with my breaths. Okay?" I nod.

  "I didn't think M-Mack was coming b-back. I didn't think you… would be back." Gasp.

  "Stop, love. I will always come back, and Mack wouldn't leave you when you're in trouble. He is a doctor after all." Is he joking with me?

  "He's a d-doctor who uses ‘f-finger air quotes...’" Giggle.

  "Ah, yes... those. I've often told him about them, and how they went out in the 90's, but sadly, they persevere." Z smiles.

  "That's what I s-said to him!" Another giggle.

  "Um, hi. I am in the room." Mack says, with his own kind of smile-voice.

  "We know. I think I'm just hoping you drop the quotes, finally, if we keep mocking you for a bit. Right, sweetheart?"

  "I think so. I'm really sorry Mack, b-but they have got to go." More giggles escape between my gasps.

  "Okay. I'll work on it, I promise." Now, he’s laughing with us. This feels great.

  "Thank you Mack for staying, and for trying to help me, and for being nice and rubbing my back and everything.” Big long breathe in and out. “I'm sorry I got so angry with you. I'm not sure why I did that. It's weird, but I didn't really feel like that was me, at all. I just know your silence was bothering me very much. I hated the feeling of talking and having you just sit there, staring at me. I hope you can forgive me? Please, don't be mad at me, Mack. I like you, I think.”

  "Of course I forgive you. But I have to say, for this to work, for Z and I to help you, you’re going to have to talk to me. You're going to have to access memories I think you have buried deeply within your unconscious. You will have to trust us, or rather me, specifically, because I'm the doctor who can and will help you...

  “…You have to realize and believe that no matter what you say to me, no matter what you remember, I am NOT going to judge you nor will I think badly of you. Z can stay for parts, or all, or none at all. Whatever YOU are comfortable with, but I need your honesty. I need you to trust me with your honesty. I cannot repeat anything you tell me, unless you allow me to do so. And I cannot betray your secrets, or your memories, unless you let me use them to help you. But Z is not held by the same standard…” Z suddenly jumps from my bedside.

  “…Wait! Let me finish, Z. I'm not suggesting for a moment that Z would betray you either... However, Z is not legally bound to keep your secrets as I would be, as your physician. Z is emotionally invested, and as such, he may find it difficult to keep your secrets. He may want to lash out at the individuals involved. Isn't that right, Z?" Shit. Z exhales and nods, but doesn't speak.

  "…I am a doctor, and yes, your friend, but a doctor first, therefore, absolutely anything you tell me stays between us. It’s called ‘Doctor/Patient Confidentiality’. Period. Unless again, you allow me to use anything you tell me to help you work with, or against your family.”

  So, I can tell him anything? I’ve never done that before. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone, ever about ‘stuff’. I just kind of hide what I’m thinking.

  “Can you trust me? Can you trust me and/or Z with your secrets, so that you can be helped? You can think about this if you need to. You can do whatever you want to do. I am only your Doctor while you’re here in this hospital. Once you leave I will no longer be your physician, but I can be, if you trust me, and choose me to be… which I hope you will."

  Wow. Mack sounds so sincere. He held eye contact the entire time with me, and I barely squirmed. He seems so nice and real and safe, I think. I don't actually think he’ll hurt me, like Z hasn't. I don't think Z will hurt me, and I don't think Mack will hurt me. What a strange feeling. I have never felt this before. I'm not anxious to lie, or omit information so that they like me. I feel like they honestly do like me. I want to ask, 'why?', but I won't.

  This feeling is new, and kind of good. I want to just trust them. I want to jump. I want to have two friends, who want to be my friends. This is all so new and very strange.

  As a nurse walks in, she begins checking all my monitors. Taking my temperature, asking a few questions, she’s nice enough that I don’t feel bothered when she touches me. The room is silent while she tends to me. No, I'm not hungry. No, I don't need anything. Ew, I have a catheter.

  I try to answer her as best I can, but I'm thinking too much. Do I? Don't I? What do I do? Once she finally leaves my room… Jump!

  "Okay. I want you to be my doctor, and my friend. And I'll try really hard to be good for you Mack."

  "You don't have to try, you are good. And I'm honored that you trust me enough to allow me to be your physician. You’re going to get through this, I promise. But honestly, it's going to be hard sometimes, and you're going to want to stop, but you can't stop. Can you do that? Can you continue with me, even when it's difficult?"

  "I'll try really hard, Mack. I promise." I will try this time, for real.

  "Good enough. Look, it's very late, and you must be exhausted. I have to start all the medical proceedings, and I have to begin the transfer injunction, so I suggest you sleep now. I'll be back early in the morning to speak with you. Is that okay?"

  "Yes, please. I feel very tired."

  "Okay, good. Well, sleep well tonight. I'll see you in the morning. The surgeon on call will be by a little later with the MRI results for you. You may as well sleep in the meantime."

  "Okay. Thank you, Mack."

  As Mack rises from his chair and makes his way to the door, there is a giant elephant in the room- Z. I'm not sure what to say or do, even Mack looks at Z, like he’s uncomfortable with him staying in my room. This is so awkward suddenly.

  "I'm just going to stay a few minutes. I want to see you rest, and then I'll leave, okay?"

  "Um, sure." Looking at Mack, I see him nod at Z, and then he smiles at me as he leaves the room.

  "Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm not staying. I just wanted to tuck you in." He's grinning?

  "Okay... Thank you."

  "I'm very happy you're going to work with Mack. He is a wonderful physician, a very good man and a very good friend to have. I trust him completely, and I think you’ll come to trust him as well."

  "I hope so, Z." Oh god, I hope so.

  "Can I get you anything before I leave?"

  "No, thank you. I just want to sleep now. Okay?"

  "Absolutely. I'll be back in the morning, but should you need anything, or if you wake in the night and need to talk, feel free to call my cell, anytime. My cell number is beside your phone, here."

  "Thank you… for everything, Z."

  "No problem, sweetheart. Good night." And leaning in, Z gives me a light kiss on my Lips. Oh. I miss kissing Z. How long ago was that? When did I kiss him last? I can't remember what day it i
s. Should I ask? No- that’ll make me seem weird, I think.

  "Always thinking... You really need to rest, love. Can you try? For me? I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a big day for you, and you should be well rested. I'll be here, or I'll leave according to whatever you want or need. But I beg you to try to sleep now."

  "I will, I promise. I feel absolutely exhausted."

  "Sleep well, sweetheart. I'll see you tomorrow."

  As Z stands to leave me… Wow! PANIC! Please stay! Oh, I don't want to be alone. Shit. What if my parents return to get me in the night? What if Marcus returns and demands my release? Shit. How will I fight them? I don't even think I can walk properly yet. Please Z! Don't leave me.

  Looking at Z, I can't ask. I want to beg him, but it isn't right. He should leave and rest himself. He should go back to his large red and burgundy bed. He should leave. Oh god, I want him to stay with me so badly, it kind of hurts actually.

  "I have an idea. Why don't I just rest in this chair here tonight? It isn't the first time I've slept in it during the last two weeks. I even have a spare blanket in your little closet. Would that be all right with you?"

  As tears begin falling from the glasses, I whisper, "Yes, please... Thank you."

  "Sleep, sweetheart. I'll just pull up my favorite faux leather hospital chair. It's remarkably comfortable, I'll have you know." Is he grinning again? "Close your eyes, and no more tears tonight, okay?"

  "Okay. Good night, Z."

  As I watch Z settle into the chair, tossing the blanket over his legs, I am stunned by him. He acts like he isn't even doing me a kindness, but I know he is. I am very aware of his kindness toward me.

  "I will never, EVER forget all you’ve done for me, Z. No matter what happens, you will always be the single most wonderful person I have ever known…" I whisper.

  "Nothing will happen that you don't choose. And I am kind to you because I want to be, because I need to be. I owe you that, at least. Please close your eyes, sweetheart. For me?"

  "Okay. Goodnight."