I Am Her...

by Sarah Ann Walker

  Sitting on the edge of our bed, I wait. When Marcus returns, he drop to his knees and immediately begins scrubbing the carpet, studiously ignoring me... The big cleavaged- black negligee wearing- slightly drunk- elephant in the room. Shit.

  "Marcus?"

  "Just a second Suzanne. I'm almost finished cleaning this."

  "Marcus? Please. Forget the carpet."

  "Red wine stains badly though. Just give me one more minute."

  "Marcus? Please…" I say on a sigh.

  Finally dropping the scrub brush, Marcus exhales as he slowly sits cross-legged and turns his eyes to me. God, he looks tired, or sad, or maybe bored? It's just so hard to tell with him.

  "Marcus, do you want to have sex with me?"

  "Of course, Suzanne. Why would you ask that?"

  "Marcus, do you want to have sex with me?"

  "Of course. I just told you I do."

  "MARCUS! Do you WANT to have sex with me?"

  "NO! Okay? I really DON’T Suzanne." Oh... Whoosh.

  "Um, why? Is it because of my body?"

  "No, of course not! You're the only one who ever had a problem with your body." God, he looks flustered.

  "Why then? It's okay. Please be honest with me."

  "Suzanne. I love you, very much in fact. I have always loved you, but I just don't like having sex with you. I'm sorry. Do you really want me to be honest right now?"

  "Yes. Please Marcus. Tell me what you’re feeling. I need to know what you're feeling." Staring at Marcus, there is nothing but a long pause.

  Exhaling, Marcus seems to build up his strength for this bombshell, I think. Oh, this isn’t going to be good, I can tell. He’s looking directly into my eyes, but seems to wish he could look away.

  "Okay, Suzanne. Fine. I'll tell you why, but I'm sure you'll freak out and go tell on me to your Mack or something. I'm sure you'll say, and maybe even believe that I'm the bad guy, but it’s just not true. I'm really not the bad guy here. Not that you're the bad guy, but I just know that I'm NOT the bad guy." Big exhale.

  "Go ahead, Marcus. Just talk. I won’t tell on you, or whatever it is you're afraid of."

  And another long pause for Marcus. Jeez… this is rare.

  "Suzanne, sex with you has always been awful for me. Sex was like gross and violent, or something. And I know you're better now, I do know that. And I know it wasn't your fault that you were like that, but I just can't think of sex with you any other way. It's like, I spent so many years dreading having sex with you, that, it’s like, the only way I feel about it now...

  “…The sex with you was quick and painful, and not just for you. I don't think you ever realized that that sex was kind of painful to my body as well. I hated thrusting into you when you were unprepared. I hated feeling like my own skin was being ripped off, by your body. I hated when it was over, and my own skin was sore and sometimes covered in your blood. God, it used to make me gag- I hated having your blood on me. I hated feeling, well, used by you, I guess...

  “…Again, I know NOW that you weren't trying to hurt me, or trying to mess with my head, but it happened anyway. You physically hurt me too, but mostly you just fucked with my head so badly that I learned to absolutely dread having sex with you." Wow. Really?

  "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you felt pain as well."

  "How could you? It's not like you've ever touched my penis before. You've never even looked at it, I don't think. My penis- not me, was like a means to an end for you, that's all. When you would demand I fuck you harder, I was amazed I could even stay erect long enough to do it. It was just so awful. I hated you then Suzanne, but only when it came to sex. The rest of the time I loved you so much, I just tried to ignore the sex part of our relationship."

  Looking at Marcus' bowed head, I'm stunned. Here's another worldview of mine destroyed. It never even occurred to me that Marcus suffered any physical pain. I knew he suffered emotionally, but physically? I just never thought about it. He's the man. I guess I just assumed his body, or I guess, his penis, was meant for that kind of brutality. I didn't realize that if I was tearing open, he might be physically suffering as well.

  When Marcus raises his head he's crying. Honest to god tears are falling down his cheeks. Wiping them away aggressively (like a man would), he seems to be asking me for something, or, like, waiting for something. Oh, this is just so awful, and twisted, and sad.

  "I'm so sorry Marcus. I honestly didn't realize any of this. You're the man, and I thought sex was always good or something, no matter how hard it was. It's just, that was my only experience. Men hurt me when I was young, but they never seemed to feel any pain themselves. They enjoyed tearing me open..."

  "I'm not them, Suzanne! I never was!"

  "I know! That's not what I meant. I meant that my memory of my own pain never allowed me to think it could have been painful for you, because it was never painful for them."

  "But I’m not them…” Marcus whispers once more.

  "I know Marcus. I know that now but I didn't know that then. I'm sorry." What else can I say?

  After a few much needed breaths, Marcus looks up at me again and seems to resign himself to something. Now, I really don’t want to have sex. It’s not like I actually wanted it to begin with, I just thought we should so we had more of a real marriage or something.

  "Suzanne, I'm just, I don't know. I'm..."

  "Fucked up?"

  "Yes. That's it. I'm totally fucked up over all this," he laughs a little.

  "I am sorry Marcus."

  "I'm not looking for your apologies Suzanne. This is way more your fucked up than mine, but I just wanted you to know that all this shit did mess me up too. All of it messed me up. Sometimes, I'm shocked by the depth of the betrayal I feel from you, though it wasn’t your fault. But especially I hate the betrayal by your parents. They used me, and hurt me, and made me an accomplice of sorts to everything they were doing to you behind my back. It's just too much sometimes."

  "Have you talked to Mack about all this?"

  "A little. It's hard. I think I want to talk to someone else because he cares so much for you and you for him. I'm jealous of your relationship, and I'm nervous that he just thinks I'm like this total asshole that hurt you for years, because he cares so much for you."

  "Would you like to go to a different counselor? Maybe a marriage counselor for just you and I? No Mack involvement?"

  "You would do that?" Marcus looks genuinely surprised by my offer.

  "Of course. I actually understand what you're saying about the Mack involvement. It's hard for all three of us I think- almost a conflict of interest. But at the time we started talking together I didn't want anyone else to know what was going on with me, that's why I begged you to talk to Mack, and that's why I begged Mack to talk to you. But it's okay if you want to talk to someone else. I get it Marcus. Mack IS mine, and he always will be."

  "Suzanne? Will I ever be the person you love and trust the most? Will I ever be more important to you than Mack is?"

  "Um..." Shit! What do I say?

  "It's okay. I just want you to tell me the truth,” Marcus says with tears in his eyes again. Jesus! This is so hard.

  "I don't think so Marcus, I’m sorry. It's not like that. Um, Mack saved me from dying, twice, and we have a bond because of it, and also because he has just been so good to me right from the beginning. I don't think I would be alive now had it not been for Mack. So, no... I’m sorry, you won't ever be more important to me than Mack is. But you're still my husband and I'm still here with you, trying with you."

  "I hope that’ll be enough, Suzanne. I'm not sure it will be though."

  "I'm sorry but that's all I can give you, Marcus."

  Nodding his head sadly, Marcus whispers, "I know Suzanne."

  When Marcus stands to leave our room seconds later, I panic for some reason. Grabbing his arm, I yell, "Don't you want to try sex?" Shit.

  "No, Suzanne. You look very lovely, but I just don't feel that way about you?" What?!


  "Like, ever?"

  "I don't know," Marcus says shaking his head ‘no’.

  "You never want to have sex with me again?"

  "I don't right now. I don't know about in the future."

  Wow! What a turn of events. It’s kind of funny, and ironic, and tragic and just FUNNY, actually.

  "Are you going to start having affairs again?"

  "God, no. That was what you wanted, not me. Remember?"

  "Yes. But what will you do? I mean don't you have needs or something?" Christ! THIS is awkward.

  "Not really. Not anymore. Can't we just pretend this conversation didn't happen. I'm happy with the way things have been this last month. I'm happy with you being home. And I'm happy with where we're at without any sex stuff. Okay, Suzanne?"

  "Um, sure. Okay. If you’re happy..."

  "I am. I look forward to each day with you. My days are happy and complete with you back here."

  "Really?" I think I’m shocked by his sincerity.

  "Of course. Why? YOU’RE NOT HAPPY?!" Marcus sounds a little panicky too all of a sudden.

  Christ! This whole night of seduction has just turned into a total clusterfuck, as Chicago Kayla would say. Honestly.

  "Yes. I'm happy." And bored to tears...

  "Okay, good,” Marcus exhales. “Well, I'm going to go back to my study. Merry Christmas Suzanne. I'm glad you're back home with me."

  "Um, me too..." I whisper as Marcus kisses my forehead and then leaves our bedroom.

  Well, this has certainly been interesting. Now I have to talk to Mack. Dammit. But first things first... black yoga pants, and black cami are required. I may just have to throw this beautiful floor-length, silk, low-cut bodice, cleavage enhancing black gown in the fireplace later. Shit.

  Sunday, February 12

  CHAPTER 38

  Here we go. I hope this doesn't hurt as much as I think it will, though from what I’ve read, these things always suck.

  "Um, Marcus? I have to talk to you."

  "Okay,” he smiles once again. I’m almost beginning to hate Marcus’ very nice, perfectly kind, respectable, even loving, pleasant smile. Ugh.

  "I'm, ah, leaving to go to New York for awhile."

  "Why? When?!"

  "Tonight, actually. My flight is at 9:45, and Kayla's picking me up at the airport. I'm renting a car in town though."

  "What do you mean you’re leaving 'for a while'?" Shit. Here we go.

  "I mean, I'm leaving, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I have a lot to think about and I can't do that here with you."

  "Why? You're alone all day! I'm not around to bother you or anything, I’m at work."

  "It's not that, and you don't bother me Marcus, at all. If anything, you bore me." Ooops! Dammit. "Sorry, what I mean is, I, ah, need more than this. We're just so, like pleasant or something. So automatic. So lifeless." Huge exhale of mine, followed by a long silence of his.

  "I bore you? Would you rather I hurt you? Or maybe stress you out? Or freak you out? Or, or what, Suzanne? What would you like me to do?!"

  "Nothing. That's the point. I don't want you to do anything. You’re amazing, but I just don't feel anything for you anymore. You're like a friend now. A very comfortable friend, not really a husband, and not even a lover. You’re just someone I share space with."

  "A friend? Would you rather I was an ENEMY?!"

  "No, Marcus. I just want to be happy, and I'm not with you. Maybe I could have been, or maybe we weren't meant to be… I don't know. All I do know is I'm not happy, and I don't think you are either."

  "Actually, I AM happy, but MY happiness has never really mattered to you, has it Suzanne?"

  "Actually, Marcus, YOU'RE happiness was the ONLY reason I returned to Chicago. I felt bad for you, and I wanted to make it right, and I thought returning to you, when you thought you loved me so much, WAS the right thing to do."

  "YOU pitied ME? Are you kidding me?!"

  "No, I never pitied you, but I did feel badly for all you’d been through with me, so when you begged me to come back, I did. I felt like I owed it to you. I thought because you loved me, I should come back and hopefully I would learn to love you the same way. And I do love you, but not as a wife. I love you like a friend, but it's not enough for me."

  "IT'S ENOUGH FOR ME!!" Flinch. Shit.

  As Marcus screams in my face, he grabs my arms hard. Ouch! This certainly isn't going well.

  "Marcus, please let go of me. Please?"

  "Suzanne, if you leave, don't come back. EVER! I don't want you back. I've had enough of all this shit with you. I've been good, I really have, but I can't do it anymore. I WON'T do it anymore."

  "Okay, Marcus. I totally understand, and I'm really, really sorry."

  "Suzanne- I mean it. If you leave, that's it. I can't be with you ever again. I won't do it. Being with you has been so hard on me for years, and if you leave I don't want to do it anymore."

  "Marcus, my arms... Please let go of me."

  As Marcus releases my arms rather hard and abruptly, I actually stumble a step backward.

  "I'm sorry, Suzanne. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just so tired of you, I really am. I'm good, and you’re good too, but you’re bad for me, I think. You make me hate things, and you make me love you, even though I kind of hate you too."

  "I understand, I really do. I'm just going to pack some more clothes, and I'll leave very soon. I'm really, really sorry, Marcus."

  Turning, I nearly run from the room, but...

  "Suzanne?"

  "Yes?"

  "I'm going to move on. I'm going to find someone to be a good wife to me. I am, you know?"

  "Oh, Marcus… you're not hurting me, if that's what you think you're doing. I want that for you. I want you to find someone who doesn't mess you up like I do. I want you to love someone without all the shit that comes with me. I love you enough to sincerely wish you well. Whether you believe me or not, I want you to be happy with someone else. I want you to love someone; someone who you can have a normal relationship with. Someone who adores you and loves you the way you used to love me, and the way you deserve to be loved. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't that wife for you."

  Turning once more, I’m half way up the stairs when I hear Marcus start running up behind me.

  "You ARE Suzanne! I'm sorry! I was just being an asshole! Please don't go. We'll work it out. I won't be boring anymore. Just tell me what you want. Just tell me what to do!"

  "Marcus, I'm leaving, I'm sorry. I'll be back for all my stuff in a few weeks, okay? I just have to find somewhere else to live. I'll call you. I'll let you know where I'm going. And Marcus, if you ever need me, or just, like want to talk or something, please call me. I would really like to be your friend."

  "Suzanne? Let’s talk about this for a minute!"

  God, he looks so panicky. I feel just wretched inside for him. This whole thing is terrible and exhausting. Marcus deserves better than all this upset all the time.

  "We did just talk, Marcus, but I'm going to go finish packing now. I'm really very sorry for all this pain, all the time. You deserve so much better than this.”

  “Wait! Suzanne, I love you, and we’ll work all this out. It’s only been a couple months… not even three full months yet. We just need a little more time to figure this out. I’ll do whatever you want. It’s okay Suzanne. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.”

  “Marcus, I…”

  “Is this about sex? I’m fine with it now. It’s not a big deal. We can do it if you want to. Suzanne, just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it,” he pleads.

  “Marcus, this is not about sex. Well, it kind of is, but not really. It’s just that we aren’t a good couple. Or maybe I’m just not a good wife. I don’t know anymore. I think about you as a room-mate now. You are a wonderful room-mate to me, but I want more than that. I have to have more than that. I didn’t struggle through hell, to end up with just enough. I want more than just enough. And I honestly want more than that
for you too.”

  “Suzanne, you are more than enough for me. I’m not even angry or upset anymore about all the bad stuff. I know it wasn’t your fault and I’m not angry anymore. It’s okay now. Just tell me what to do. Tell me what you need Suzanne, and I’ll do it, I promise.”

  “Marcus, I need you to let me go now. That’s what I need from you. I want to go now. You are amazing, but you’re not amazing with me. I want to go, so I can find more, and I want to go so you are free of all this awful from now on. Please Marcus, it’s enough now.”

  “But I can’t. You’re all I ever wanted Suzanne, and it’s supposed to be better now. We’re supposed to be better. You said it would be. I thought it would be…”

  “I’m so sorry Marcus. I’m better, but we’re not better.”

  “Suzanne…” he whispers finally.

  Turning from Marcus’ desperate stare takes me an eternity, but I finally leave him on the stairs as I make my way back to my bedroom. I feel so awful and sad inside. I can't help but cry while finishing the last of my packing.

  I'm going to be 30 years old in a two weeks and I feel like I'm saying goodbye to half my life- which I guess I am. 30 years of Chicago with 30 years of nothing but pain, loneliness and upset, is too much. I have to finally say goodbye to it all, Marcus included.

  I'll just have to spend the next 30 years trying to find out what will make this Suzanne honest and truly happy.

  ==========

  When New York Kayla picks me up at the airport, I finally exhale. Jesus, I was holding my breath for hours. It feels good to be with just a friend- someone I don’t have to try or pretend with.

  "Do you want to talk about it?"

  "Not really."

  "Okay. But you can if you need to. I promise not to trash Marcus, though it'll kill me not to." She says with her best New York Kayla evil grin.