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JOHN HENRY ON BRIDGE WHIST
I received a letter the other day that put me over the ropes.
I'll paste it up here just to show you that it's on the level:
PHILADELPHIA, This Week.
Dear John:--I have never met you personally, but I've heard mybrother, Teddy, speak of you so often that you really seem to beone of the family.
(Teddy talks slang something fierce.)
Dear John, will you please pardon the liberty I take in grabbing atwo-cent stamp and jumping so unceremoniously at one who is, afterall, a perfect stranger?
Dear John, if you look around you can see on every hand that theglad season of the year is here, and if you listen attentively youmay hear the hoarse cry of the summer resort beckoning us to thatburn from which no traveller returns without getting his pocketbookdislocated.
Dear John, could you please tell me how to play bridge whist, sothat when I go to the seashore I will be armed for defrayingexpenses.
Dear John, I am sure that if I could play bridge whist loud enoughto win four dollars every once in a while I could spend a largebunch of the summer at the seashore.
Dear John, would you tell a loving but perfect stranger how to playthe game without having to wear a mask?
Dear John, I played a couple of games recently with a wide facedyoung man who grew very playful and threw the parlor furniture atme because I trumpeted his ace. I fancy I must have did wrong.The fifth time I trumpeted his ace the young man arose, put on hisgum shoes, and skeedaddled out of the house. Is it not considereda breach of etiquette to put on gum shoes in the presence of a lady?
If you please, dear John, tell me how to play bridge whist.
Yours fondly, GLADYS JONES.
P.S.--The furniture which he threw was not his property to disposeof. G.J.
When my wife got a flash of this letter she made a kick to theeffect that it was some kind of a cypher, possibly the beginning ofa secret correspondence.
It was up to me to hand Gladys the frosty get-back, so this is whatI said:
Respected Madam:--I'm a slob on that bridge whist thing, plainpoker being the only game with cards that ever coaxes my dough fromthe stocking, but I'll do the advice gag if it chokes me:
Bridge whist is played with, cards, just like pinochle, with theexception of the beer.
Not enough cards is a misdeal; too many cards is a mistake; andcards up the sleeve is a slap on the front piazza if they catch youat it.
You shouldn't get up and dance the snakentine dance every time youtake a trick. It looks more genteel and picturesque to do thetwo-step.
When your opponent has not followed suit it is not wise to pick outa loud tone of voice and tell him about it. Reach under the tableand kick him on the shins. If it hurts him he is a cheater; if itdoesn't hurt him always remember that you are a lady.
Don't forget what is trumps more than eighteen times during onehand. The limit used to be twenty-six times, but since theinsurance people have been playing Hyde and seek the best bridgewhist authorities have put the limit down to eighteen.
It isn't wise to have a conniption fit every time you lose a trick.Nothing looks so bad as a conniption fit when it doesn't match thecomplexion, and generally it delays the game.
When the game is close don't get excited and climb up on the table.It shows a want of refinement, especially if you are not a quickclimber.
Never whistle while waiting for someone to play. Whistling is notin good taste. Go over and bite out a couple of tunes on the piano.
When your opponent trumps an ace don't ever hit him carelesslyacross the forehead with the bric-a-brac. Always remember when youare in Society that bric-a-brac is expensive.
Don't lead the ten of clubs by mistake for the ace of trumps andthen get mad and jump seventeen feet in the air because they refuseto let you pull it back.
In order to jump seventeen feet in the air you would have to gothrough the room upstairs, and how do you know whose room it is?
There, Gladys, if you follow these rules I think you can play thegame of bridge whist without putting a bruise on the Monroedoctrine.
P.S.--When you play for money always bite the coin to see if itmeans as much as it looks.
The next day, in order to square myself with my wife for getting aletter I hadn't any use for, I went to one of those New Yorkdepartment stores to get her a birthday present.
Say! did you ever get tangled up in one of those department storemobs and have a crowd of perfect ladies use you for a door mat?
I got mine!
They certainly taught me the Rojestvensky glide, all right!
At the door of the department; store a nice young man with a pinknecktie and a quick forehead bowed to me.
"What do you wish?" he asked.
"Well," I said; "I'm down here to get a birthday present for mywife. I would like something which would afford her great pleasurewhen I give it to her and which I could use afterwards as apen-wiper or a fishing-rod."
"Second floor; to the right; take the elevator," said the man.
Did you ever try to take an elevator in a department store and findthat 3,943 other American citizens and citizenettes were alsotrying to take the same elevator?
How sweet it is to mingle in the arms of utter strangers and tofeel the gentle pressure of a foot we never hope to meet again!
I was standing by one of the counters on the second floor when ashrill voice crept up over a few bales of dry goods and said, "Areyou a buyer or a handler?"
"I am looking for a birthday present for my wife," I answered. "Iwant to get something that will look swell on the parlor table andmay, be used later on as a tobacco jar or a trouser stretcher!"
"Fourth floor; to the left; take the elevator!" said the lady'svoice.
With bowed bead I walked away.
I began to feel sorry for my wife.
Nobody seemed to be very much interested whether she got a birthdaypresent or not.
On the fourth floor I stopped at a counter where a lot of eagerdames were pawing over some chinchilla ribbon and chiffonover-skirts.
It reminded me of the way our dog digs up the vegetables in thegarden.
I enjoyed the excitement of the game for about ten minutes and thenI said to the clerk behind the counter who was refereeing thematch, "Can you tell me where I can buy a sterling silver birthdaypresent for my wife which I could use afterwards as a night key ora bath sponge?"
"Fifth floor; to the rear; take the elevator!" said the clerk.
On the fifth floor I went over to a table where a young lady wasselling "The Life and Libraries of Andrew Carnegie" at four dollarsa month and fifty cents a week, and in three years it is yours ifyou don't lose the receipts.
She gave me a glad smile and I felt a thrill of encouragement.
"Excuse me," I said, "but I am looking for a birthday present formy wife which will make all the neighbors jealous, and which I canuse afterwards as an ash-receiver or a pocket flask."
The young lady cut out the giggles and pointed to the northwest.
I went over there.
To my surprise I found another counter.
A pale young woman was behind it.
I was just about to ask her the fatal question when a young manwearing a ragtime expression on his face rushed up and said to theyoung lady behind the counter, "I am looking for a suitable presentfor a young lady friend of mine with golden brown hair. Could youplease suggest something?"
The saleslady showed her teeth and answered him in a low, rumblingvoice, and the man went away.
Then came an old lady who said, "I bought some organdie dress goodsfor a shirt-waist last Tuesday and I would like to exchange themfor a music box for my daughter's little boy, Freddie, if youplease!"
The saleslady again showed her teeth and the old lady ducked forcover.
After about fifty people had rushed up to the saleslady and thenrushed away again, I went over and spoke to her.
"I
am looking," I said, "for a birthday present for my wife. Iwant to get something that will give her a great amount of pleasureand which I can use later on as a pipe cleaner or a pair ofsuspenders!"
The saleslady fainted, so I moved over.
At another counter another young lady said to me, "Have you beenwaited on?"
"No," I replied; "I have been stepped on, sat on and walked on, butI have not yet been waited on."
"What do you wish?" inquired the young woman.
"I am looking for a birthday present for my wife," I said. "I wantto buy her something that will bring great joy to her heart andwhich I might use afterwards as a pair of slippers or a shavingmug."
The young lady caught me with her dreamy eyes and held me upagainst the wall.
"You," she screamed; "you complete a total of 23,493 people whohave been in this department store to-day without knowing what theyare doing here, and I refuse to be a human encyclopaedia for thesake of eight dollars a week. On your way for yours!"
I began to apologize, but she reached down under the counter andpulled out a club.
"This," she said, with a wild look in her side lamps; "this is thehappy summer season, but, nevertheless, the next guy that leaveshis brains at home and tries to make me tell him what is a goodbirthday present for his wife will get a bitter swipe across theforehead!"
It was up to me, so I went home without a present.