Get Next!

by George V. Hobart

  JOHN HENRY ON COURTING

  Are you wise to the fact that everything is changing in this oldworld of ours, and that since the advent of fuss-wagons even theold-fashioned idea of courtship has been chased to the woods?

  It used to be that on a Saturday evening the young gent would drawdown his six dollars worth of salary and chase himself to thebarber shop, where the Dago lawn trimmer would put a crimp in hismoustache and plaster his forehead with three cents worth of hairand a dollar's worth of axle-grease.

  Then the young gent would go out and spread 40 cents around amongthe tradesmen for a mess of water-lilies and a bag of peanutbrittle.

  The lilies of the valley were to put on the dining-room table somother would be pleased, and with the peanut brittle he intended tofill in the weary moments when he and his little geisha girl werenot making googoo eyes at each other.

  But nowadays it is different, and Dan Cupid spends most of his timeon the hot foot between the coroner's office and the divorce court.

  I've got a hunch that young people these days are more emotionaland like to see their pictures in the newspapers.

  Nowadays when a clever young man goes to visit his sweetheart hehikes over the streets in a benzine buggy, and when he pulls thebell-rope at the front door he has a rapid fire revolver in onepocket and a bottle of carbolic acid in the other.

  His intentions are honorable and he wishes to prove them so byshooting his lady love if she renigs when he makes a play for herhand.

  I think the old style was the best, because when young peoplequarreled they didn't need an ambulance and a hospital surgeon tohelp them make up.

  In the old days Oscar Dobson would draw the stove brush cheerfullyacross his dog-skin shoes and rush with eager feet to see LenaJones, the girl he wished to make the wife of his bosom.

  "Darling!" Oscar would say, "I am sure to the bad for love of you.Pipe the downcast droop in this eye of mine and notice the way myheart is bubbling over like a bottle of sarsaparilla on a hot day!Be mine, Lena! be mine!"

  Then Lena would giggle. Not once, but seven giggles, somethinglike those used in a spasm.

  Then she would reply, "No, Oscar; it cannot be. Fate wills itotherwise."

  Then Oscar would bite his finger nails, pick his hat up out of thecoal-scuttle and say to Lena, "False one! You love Conrad, thefloorwalker in the butcher shop. Curses on Conrad, and see whatyou have missed, Lena. I have tickets for a swell chowder partynext Tuesday. Ah! farewell forever!"

  Then Oscar would walk out and hunt up one of those places thatCarrie Nation missed in the shuffle and there, with one arm gluedtight around the bar rail, he would fasten his system to a jagwhich would last for a week.

  Despair would grab him and he'd be Oscar with the souse thing forsure.

  When he would recover strength enough to walk down town withoutattracting the attention of the other side of the street, he wouldcall on Lena and say, "Lena, forgive me for what I done, but loveis blind--and, besides, I mixed my drinks. Lena, I was on thedownward path and I nearly went to hell."

  Then Lena would say, "Why, Oscar, I saw you and your bundle whenyou fell in the well, but I didn't know it was as deep as youmention."

  Then they would kiss and make up, and the wedding bells would ringjust as soon as Oscar's salary grew large enough to tease apocketbook.

  But these days the idea is altogether different.

  Children are hardly out of the cradle before they are arrested forbutting into the speed limit with a smoke wagon.

  Even when they go courting they have to play to the gallery.

  Nowadays Gonsalvo H. Puffenlotz walks into the parlor to see MissImogene Cordelia Hoffbrew.

  "Wie gehts, Imogene!" says Gonsalvo.

  "Simlich!" says Imogene, standing at right angles near the pianobecause she thinks she is a Gibson girl.

  "Imogene, dearest," Gonsalvo continues; "I called on your papa inWall Street yesterday to find out how much money you have, but herefused to name the sum, therefore you have untold wealth!"

  Gonsalvo pauses to let the Parisian clock on the mantle tick, tick,tick!

  He is making the bluff of his life you see, and he has to do eventhat on tick.

  Besides, this furnishes the local color.

  Then Gonsalvo bursts forth again, "Imogene! Oh! Imogene! Will yoube mine and I will be thine without money and without the price."

  Gonsalvo pauses to let this idea get noised about a little.

  Then he goes on, "Be mine, Imogene! You will be minus the moneywhile I will have the price!"

  Gonsalvo trembles with the passion which is consuming hispocketbook, and then Imogene turns languidly from a right angletriangle into more of a straight front, and hands Gonsalvo a bitterlook of scorn.

  Then Gonsalvo grabs his revolver and, aiming it at her marble brow,exclaims, "Marry me this minute or I will shoot you in thetop-knot, because I love you."

  Then papa rushes into the room and Gonsalvo politely requests theold gentleman to hold two or three bullets for him for a fewmoments.

  Gonsalvo then bites deeply into a bottle of carbolic acid and justas the Coroner climbs into the house the pictures of the modernlover and loveress appear in the newspapers, and fashionableSociety receives a jolt.

  This is the new and up-to-date way of making love.

  However, I think the old style of courting is the best, because youcan generally stop a jag before it gets to the undertaker.

  What do you think?