Two Lives

by A. Yi

  She would walk back to our bedroom. I would also go back there. We would continue to lie there. In the meantime she slid open the knife drawer. She found something missing again. “Spring, did you hide the kitchen knife?” she roared.

  “No,” Spring responded louder.

  The knife drawer banged shut. Lili hurried to the living room, then into Spring’s bedroom. I pulled the bathroom door open and followed. Lili opened the closet and rummaged through the neatly folded clothes. Spring faced her, retreated toward the head of the bed. Whenever she tried to hide something she always led people to the place she hid them. She sat down on the pillow. “Move.” Lili pulled her. She wiggled her body.

  “I said move.”

  Lili gave her a hard push. She slid down sadly and instantly stood up. Hidden under the pillow were a fruit knife, a cleaver, a kitchen knife, a spatula, and a rolling pin. “What’s this?” Lili grabbed the spatula – I felt I should thank her for grabbing this. One person holding the wooden handle and the other holding the iron head, they started to argue. “Stop, this is mine, you stop,” Spring said. They would probably snatch a knife later. Lili would shove it forward while Spring gripped the edge, blood trickling between her fingers. It was terrifying. The moment they dropped the spatula simultaneously, I grabbed the pillow and pressed it against the knives.

  “Enough,” I roared. They grappled. I grabbed three knives and ran away. When I returned I saw Lili pointing the rolling pin at Spring’s shoulder, saying: “Take a good look, this is my house.”

  “It’s not.”

  “Is this yours then?

  “Yes. Pack your stuff and get out now.”

  “How can I explain this to you, psychopath?”

  Lili tapped her collarbone with the rolling pin. “How can I explain this to you? Don’t you remember I invited you to live in my house?”

  “This is my house.”

  “Look, whose leather suitcase is this?”

  “Mine.”

  “It is yours. People with a house like us don’t need a suitcase.”

  Right. I have a house, so I don’t need a suitcase. I don’t have a house, so I need a suitcase. I walked around with the suitcase and arrived at your house. Spring understood and broke into sobs. She wanted to hold Lili but was pushed away.

  “Now please leave my house,” Lili said.

  “I’m begging you, Lili.”

  “Please leave.”

  Lili pointed to the door then grabbed Spring’s clothes and dumped them in the suitcase. Spring knelt down on the floor, and picked them up one by one. When a platform shoe was tossed over, she quickly shuffled on her knees, picked it up, and held it to her chest. She looked at us pitifully, and we looked up. “Please,” Lili said after a long silence. Spring stood up and said: “Who cares. I’m leaving.”

  At this point the matter was settled.

  Spring started to stuff the things into the suitcase and soon finished. She buckled the suitcase and dragged it out. Everything went as fast as she intended, and also as we intended. She dragged the suitcase out the door. The elevator was going up from the first floor to the top. When it returned it would take Spring away.

  I stood behind Lili.

  Head down.

  Spring was looking at the changing number. She held her forehead, shaking it. She was trying to find a way to counterattack and almost came up with one. Your man comes so fast. I hoped the elevator would take her away before she thought of it. Just before the elevator arrived, she turned. I met her eyes and breathed quick. But she directed her gaze at Lili and said: “Look at yourself, so black.” That did surprise me. She broke into hearty laughter like a swordsman and walked into the elevator. There was no one inside. The silver door closed. She definitely saw Lili shaking when the door closed. She’d won.

  “Don’t be angry.” I put my arms around Lili.

  Then the elevator door suddenly bounced open. She pressed the close button and added: “No wonder we called you Wild Boar Lin. A person like you could only match with. . .” The door closed again. If I hadn’t held Lili fast, she would have jump kicked her. I was somewhat relieved like an anxious criminal finally getting his punishment. What Spring hadn’t gotten out was: “an old shit like Chen Qing.”

  Spring didn’t get back at me that day. Her mind was muddled. “Didn’t you say you loved me?” she probably should have said. I wouldn’t have been able to explain it, because she’d asked me again and again before: “Do you really love me? Tell me the truth.”

  And I said: “Yes.”

  11

  The fourth time. She’d been refusing to eat with us lately. When I walked out I saw her putting food in her bowl. I waved a hand. Her eyes immediately stiffened, then she grabbed the bowl and ran to her room, bits of pickles falling to the ground. She slammed the door. For a second the sound pinched my heart.

  Lili walked out, looking apologetic. She was apologizing for Spring’s insensitivity. There was also a certain bitterness in her look, indicating she was on my side, she was my wife, and we were fretting together about the unpleasantness the guest brought. I wanted to curse, but I just stroked her hand and patted her shoulder to make her feel magnanimity.

  The door suddenly opened a crack, and Spring’s head poked through it. She saw we were there and hurried to close it again. I was amazed that she didn’t jam her head. Probably fearing the door hadn’t been secured, she closed it again, turned the latch, and turned the key twice to lock it from the inside. “Fuck,” I said nastily. Lili grabbed my arm. “Fuck,” I repeated.

  “Don’t get mad.”

  “I’m not.”

  “She will leave.”

  “I know, I’m not mad.”

  Only when Lili was around did I dare vent my anger. Lili released the hand that had been gripping my arm. “I won’t get mad again,” I said. She walked toward Spring’s door, eyes on me until she was almost there, then she faced the door. She knocked, then knocked again. There was no response. She’s probably sleeping, just leave her in peace. Lili looked at me.

  “I just need to calm down, then I’ll be all right.”

  “I know.”

  Lili looked at me and continued: “I couldn’t bring it up.”

  We walked toward the sofa. My hands were open. Lili picked one up and held it. We turned on the TV but didn’t watch it. Then from the small bedroom came a sound. It was the click of the latch being turned, then the key inserted into the lock cylinder and turned. Spring pulled the doorknob. Boom, boom, boom. It seemed like she was going to yank it off. “Turn it, don’t pull it,” I shouted. She did that, but the door didn’t open, so she kept kicking the door. The damn woman cursed. “Let me out. I want to get out.”

  “Nobody locked you in.”

  I walked over, and tried to insert the key into the lock cylinder but couldn’t. “Pull out your key. Let me open the door,” I shouted. No sound came from the other side. “Pull out the key,” I continued to shout.

  “You locked me in,” she said, wailing.

  “Why would we lock you in?”

  “You just did, you did it on purpose. What right do you have to lock me in?”

  She cried, slapping the door, then banged her head against it. I got agitated by her despair and started to yank the door too. “Let me.” Lili pushed me aside. She tried to put the key in then pulled the doorknob. It didn’t work. She thought for a moment and said: “Spring, turn the key one more time.”

  “I did.”

  “You only turned it once. Turn it another time, to the left. Just listen to me.”

  It rattled inside for quite a while before the lock clicked. The door was pulled open and a gust of wind leaped out. The window of the room was open. She’d probably thought about jumping, piece of shit. Lili scolded her, and she threw her arms around Lili. Her head was bruised and swollen, as if she had just escape
d from a savage dog. She held Lili, crying and crying.

  “It’s all right,” Lili said. She cried harder. Lili pushed her away and said: “Take a good look, did we hurt you? Did we?”

  * * *

  “We should have thrown her stuff out and asked her to leave,” Lili said.

  “Mm.”

  “I’ll try to ask her in the next couple days, see when she’s leaving.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Have to ask anyway. I’m so fed up, beyond fed up.”

  * * *

  When we got up the next day, we found Spring’s door locked. I remembered she slept with it open, with a chair by the door to keep it from closing itself. But now it was closed. We knocked and heard a calm response, “Come in.” We pushed the door open and saw she was sitting on the edge of the bed. The morning light poured in through the window, casting mysterious shadows on her face. Now she was like our younger sister, our little friend. She turned her face and regarded us cheerfully. Her eyes rippled like bright warm water. She held her head up, slightly slanted-out white teeth showing in an unbegrudging smile.

  The smile, so beautiful and innocent, was like tranquil, supple sunshine after a tornado, shining on our hearts.

  We had a cheerful breakfast together, then we played cards. She followed the rules. Lili asked her about the shop. She said the owner was going back to her hometown, so the shop would close for a time. Lili flashed me a look, seeing that I didn’t press her, and didn’t ask Spring when she would leave. But Spring said: “I’ll probably leave at the end of this month.”

  “Leave for what?” Lili said.

  “I found a room there, stop bothering you and Mr. Chen.”

  When she said this, her feet under the table moved toward me, and when they touched me, they gently rubbed against one of my shoes. I drew my feet back and concentrated on my cards. She lifted her head and unscrupulously regarded me. The corners of her mouth sneered. She’s laughing at your playing skills, look what you played. Lili, the generous woman, pushed the cards in my hand.

  I was thoroughly embarrassed, the more I wanted to hide the blushing, the more I blushed. “Awful play,” I said. Spring leaned over, the upper part of her body almost touching the table. She regarded me squarely as if to dig something out of my face. Then she extended her legs and kept tapping my knees with her toes. She is so unrestrained.

  Like her, Lili regarded me with curiosity.

  Without thinking, I drew a card from the deck. The toes drew back suddenly from my knees. In less than a second, she stood up straight, and threw out a joker. “Bigger than yours.” She laughed. Her breasts swayed from her sudden motion.

  12

  The third time. She suppressed her anger and went out. Hit hard by something emotional. In the afternoon, she came back, panicked. She stayed in the bathroom for nearly an hour. After she came out, she grabbed Lili’s hand, weeping.

  “Don’t be sad, men are all like that,” Lili said.

  “No.” She broke into sobs.

  I was in the bedroom, restless. I should probably find a rope and sneak out the window. I could hardly breathe. But in the end, I pulled the door open. Spring raised her head and regarded me pitifully like a dog who got kicked out. I was trembling with fear at the sight of her. Her hair was unkempt and shaggy. Her eyebrows droopy. Her eye shadow had been washed away by tears, leaving charcoal streaks on her face like someone had used a wet kitchen towel to smear ink back and forth. Her pouty lips, painted remarkably red, were completely dissociated from her face. She was like a sad clown standing helplessly on stage.

  She was looking at me. Lili was looking at her. And I was looking at the floor.

  “Am I good-looking?” she said.

  “Good-looking, good-looking as you can be.” Lili stroked her shoulder. I hurried to the bathroom. The beauty had found the reason: it wasn’t that others didn’t love her but that she wasn’t good-looking. I couldn’t bear her pleading look anymore.

  13

  The second time. It’s said that before a boat hits a reef, the crew has a premonition, but the boat hits it anyway. Before an earthquake, chickens and dogs flee, but people go on living. Also scary things are not scary in equal quantities, they can be grouped as slightly scary, quite scary, and very scary. Each scary thing comes with a degree of adaptation, making people numb.

  We started to feel the things in our house were dwindling.

  I asked Lili, she asked me, but it wasn’t us. It was as if a gust of wind had swept them away when we were asleep. I couldn’t believe the possibility that burglars had broken into our house again and again. One morning I got up early and saw Spring dropping an old mobile phone into a garbage bag. I reached out but said nothing. The thing belonged to me, but was it still of use to me? She lowered her head and continued to clean. She was going to throw the stuffed garbage bag into the garbage bin downstairs later. She was taking liberties, but why did I want to discourage her? She didn’t disassemble the phone we were using or take down the clock that was ticking. She was just like a gardener cutting off unnecessary branches for this family.

  Really I thought she was sick, but I couldn’t say that.

  14

  The first time. Dinner. She came over and sat down. She picked up the chopsticks and put them down. “Eat,” Lili said. She turned her head away, snorting. “Eat,” Lili said. She picked up the chopsticks but wouldn’t eat. She glanced at me. At this point, I knew eating was a private matter, shouldn’t be watched by anyone for long. She wasn’t in a good mood that day.

  “What is it, Spring?” Lili said.

  “He’s using my chopsticks,” she said.

  I froze and looked at Lili, but she didn’t get it either. I continued picking up food. “I’m talking about you, you’re using my chopsticks,” she shouted. Lili and I were stunned. I wondered if she was getting back at me, if so then bring it harder.

  “Sorry, here you are,” I said.

  “Forget it.” She waved, disgusted.

  “How do you know these are yours?” Lili said.

  “I marked them with a knife.”

  “Where?”

  “Here.”

  To my surprise, Lili regarded the cut seriously, and said, “No problem, we’ll remember next time.”

  “Forget it, just chopsticks.”

  Spring didn’t eat and drifted back to her room like a ghost. Lili and I looked at each other in dismay, like we weren’t sure she’d just shouted. We sat across from each other in silence. Only the wall clock ticked. It ticked steadily, making our hearts dull and despondent.

  “What on earth is it?” I said.

  Lili pointed at Spring’s bedroom, then at her temple. There is something wrong here. I shook my head and stood up, walked to the bedroom. I was completely terrified by this, I needed to be alone for a moment. Lili followed me in. She grabbed my hand and put it on her breast. Her heart was thumping wildly.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  “For what?”

  “I didn’t know it would be like this.”

  “Like what?”

  “I want to ask you for a favor.”

  “What is it?”

  “Don’t kick her out.”

  “Why?”

  “Promise me first.”

  “I never said I would kick her out.”

  “I have a younger sister, and I competed with her since we were little, always competing. She died when she was 13.”

  “What does that have to do with this?”

  “There’s no use competing with her. She’s dead.”

  “That has nothing to do with this.”

  “I know, but this is my punishment.” She started to cry. “This is my punishment, you know, Chen Qing?”

  “I know.”

  I stroked her shoulder. A moment later, I
stood up and paced back and forth. I said in my heart, I know, I know, I fucking know. “Don’t be like that, Chen Qing,” Lili said.

  15

  This is pointless. I put down the paper and found she was watching me. She’d been watching me for a while, then like a smoothly sailing boat suddenly hitting a reef, she shuddered. I couldn’t read on. When I stood up, her eyes followed me.

  “What are you looking at?” I said. She smiled affably. “What’s there to look at?” I said. When I came back from the balcony, she said: “I just like watching you.” Then added: “You don’t like it?”

  “It’s all right.”

  “Hug me then.” She opened her arms. I didn’t reply, walked past her. “Hug me.” Her voice became soft and weightless. I found a shoe brush and tapped the shoe shelf with it like I was choosing a pair of shoes to wear out. “Hug me,” she said.

  “We can’t do this,” I said.

  Her arms weren’t exactly open but being held up with effort. It was awkward. But did I have to send myself into her arms? I didn’t love her. “I’m sorry.” I tried to be sincere.

  “You love me,” she said.

  “I can’t.”

  “I know, I just want you to hug me.”

  “This can’t go on.”

  She put down her arms, and some tears came out. I went to the bedroom and lay down. I thought I should have said we can have a relationship like relatives. You’re Lili’s god sister and mine too. Later when I pulled the door open I found her standing at the door.