My Soul to Win

by Robin Roseau

  She picked up her fork, and we ate quietly for a minute until I asked, “What did you say to her?”

  “I asked for guidance.”

  “With me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did she offer any?”

  “I don’t know,” Grace replied. She set her fork down and turned to look at me. “Special Agent Teigan, what are you?”

  I stared at her. “Is that the guidance she offered?” I finally asked.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “Is it a good question?”

  “I think it might be,” I admitted. “Unfortunately, I’m not sure I have an answer that makes sense.”

  “Are you human?”

  “I was,” I admitted. “Mostly. I don’t know if I still am.”

  “Mostly?”

  “A touch of something else.”

  “Not fey.”

  “I am somewhat surprised you are asking these questions so calmly.”

  “And you are answering as calmly,” she replied. “I think perhaps I have been answered.” She looked to the ceiling to help indicate what she meant. “What are you, Teigan?”

  “I don’t know,” I whispered. “A woman. Are you frightened of me now?”

  “No. Should I be?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I wouldn’t hurt you.”

  “I know,” she replied. She picked her fork back up and gestured. “I think you’re going to need all of that.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  * * * *

  We ate without further words. And then we cleaned and put everything away, eventually finding ourselves on the living room sofa, holding hands again. We hadn’t spoken in a half hour. But then Grace lifted my hand to her lips and offered my fingers a kiss. “I’m not sure which of us is more confused.”

  “That’s not the first word I’d use to describe you,” I replied.

  “You’re half my age.”

  “I was born in 1980.” She turned her head to look at me. I smiled.

  “I don’t know why, but I believe you. I’m still confused. I can’t tell if I should be trying to seduce you or mother you.”

  “Do you often seduce lost waifs you find standing in your church?”

  “Not often,” she said. “Teigan, there is a question that won’t leave me alone, and it’s confusing me.”

  “Ask.”

  “Where are you sleeping tonight?”

  “That’s the question Her Divine Radiance is telling you to ask?”

  “Or perhaps it’s my own hormones,” she said with a laugh. Then her smile faded. “You’re not with the FBI.”

  “No, not the FBI. I told you that. I haven’t lied to you.”

  “Are you able to lie to me?”

  “I don’t know. I used to be.”

  “Try,” she said.

  “All right,” I said. “This is very strange.”

  “That is hardly a lie,” she said with a laugh.

  “You’re…” I tried to lie. I really did. “Beautiful.”

  “Hey!” she complained. But then she smiled. “Tell me I look twenty-four.” I laughed and didn’t answer. “Tell me my hair is red. Tell me you’re an angel.”

  “I don’t know what I am anymore, Grace. You’re beautiful.”

  “Why can’t you lie to me?”

  “I don’t think I’m ready to answer that.”

  With her free hand, she gestured to me. “You didn’t say, ‘I don’t know.’ Lie to me, Teigan.”

  “I don’t think I can.”

  She smiled broadly. “Are you an angel?”

  “I don’t know what I am. Why do you think I’m an angel?”

  She ignored my question. “Why can’t you say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”

  “Just because I can’t lie doesn’t mean I can’t dance around the truth.”

  She laughed. “Am I safe with you?”

  “I would never hurt you, Grace.”

  “That’s not ‘yes’ though, is it? Is someone dangerous after you?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. But then I smiled. “If so, she can’t come here.”

  “And out there?” she gestured. “Are you safe out there?”

  “I don’t know. Grace, it’s not just the church that is sacred ground.” I rotated on the sofa, my knee now against hers, and lifted my free hand to brush her cheek.

  “Please stay, Teigan.”

  “I can’t give you forever, Grace.”

  “Please kiss me.”

  I drew closer, but I stopped when we were inches apart. “It’s not forever,” I whispered.

  “Kiss me.”

  I did.

  She was soft and lovely and gave a little mew of pleasure as our lips meant. We kissed, gently at first, then a second time with more hunger before wrapping around each other and holding tightly. “Come to bed with me.”

  I did.

  It was wonderful.

  * * * *

  It was full morning when I woke. Grace was watching me. She was disheveled and lovely. I smiled. “If all angels make love like you do,” she said. “Heaven must be even better than anyone might imagine.”

  I laughed. “I’ve had some very good teachers,” I admitted. I caressed her cheek. “Oh, Grace, thank you.”

  She clasped my hand against her cheek. “Don’t you dare run away. Please stay.”

  “For a while, if you’re sure. Not long, Grace.”

  “I think you need me,” she said. “For a while.” She smiled broadly. “There was something you did last night. I was wondering if you would do it again.”

  “I wonder if I can figure out what it was,” I said with a grin. It took me a few minutes, but yes, I figured out what she meant.

  * * * *

  We looked at each other. She’d given me a pair of undies, but we weren’t of a size, and so I had put on my clothing from yesterday. “You don’t have a home, do you?”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. She smiled broadly. “You’re happy I don’t have a home?”

  “You do now,” she said. “You’re home.”

  I laughed. “The future has certainly gotten faster.”

  She cocked her head. “I don’t understand.”

  “It used to take two dates before lesbians moved in together.”

  She offered her own laugh, moving into my arms and looking into my eyes. “Teigan, how did you know I’d blessed the house?”

  “I don’t know,” I replied.

  “I want you to do something for me.”

  “Anything?”

  “For now, I want you to stay on hallowed ground, unless you’re with me.”

  I sobered, still looking into her eyes. “More guidance?”

  “No,” she said. “Humor me.”

  “For now,” I said. “It’s only for now, Grace.” I caressed her cheek. “Do you have duties today?”

  “Yes. Your gun is safe in the closet.”

  “Are we going somewhere?”

  “Not far.”

  “Are we leaving hallowed ground, Grace?”

  “No.”

  “All right, then.”

  * * * *

  Holding hands, Grace led me back to the church. As soon as we were inside, I knew we weren’t alone. I pulled her to a stop. “Someone is here.”

  “I certainly hope so,” she said. “Morning prayer breakfast.” She lifted my hand. “I’m not in the closet. Are you?”

  “No.”

  “Good. I want you by my side this morning. Will you share my duties?”

  “Grace, I am about as far from a pastor as someone can be.”

  “I have mundane duties, Teigan. Please.”

  I looked into her eyes and realized that I’d do almost anything for her. Oh, she wasn’t the first name on the list of people I’d say that about, but she was number four or five. And so I nodded. “Whatever you want, Grace.”

  “That’s a good attitude,” she said with a smile, then leaned in for a kiss.

  “PDA in a chu
rch?”

  “Joy, Teigan,” she said. “Would you have us deny joy?”

  “This is a very strange church.”

  “I’m glad you think so,” she said with a laugh, then she stepped away, pulling me along behind her.

  There were people in the nave, although not many. Grace led me through, offering a cheery, “Good morning,” but otherwise not even pausing. People watched after us, but we left them behind.

  She drew me downstairs. There was more noise, and we entered a broad room filled with perhaps thirty people or so. We came to a stop, and she pulled me into place beside her. It only took a moment before the room grew quiet, everyone turning to face us.

  There were all types. I saw a few teenagers. There was an octogenarian woman in a wheelchair, and one of the teenagers had his hands on the handles, standing behind her. Ethnically, there appeared to be a wide mix as well, with Caucasian the plurality, but not majority. “Everyone,” said Grace. “This is Teigan. She’ll be with us a while.”

  “Good morning, Teigan,” said about half the room. “Good morning, Pastor Grace.”

  Then two of the teenagers stepped forward. “Pastor Grace, are we having pancakes this morning?”

  “That would be lovely, I think, Sue Ellen,” Grace replied. “Would you and Lisa Jean help make them?”

  “We’d love to,” said the other girl. Then she turned to me. “You’re very pretty.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “So are you.”

  “Do you want to help make pancakes?”

  “I promised Pastor Grace I’d help however she wants me.”

  “Why don’t you two get things started?” Grace said. “Teigan and I will join you in a minute or two.”

  “All right, Pastor Grace,” said Sue Ellen. The two turned and flounced off to the end of the room. There was an open counter, and beyond it, a kitchen.

  Then I turned my attention back to Grace. She was smiling at me. “You’re an amazing woman,” I told her.

  “How do you come to that conclusion?”

  “Them,” I said. “Do you cast a magic spell over everyone?”

  She laughed then moved closer to whisper into my ear. “I’m not the supernatural being here.”

  “You’re jumping to conclusions, Grace,” I said.

  “Uh, huh,” she said.

  “I’m just a woman,” I said.

  She pulled away and looked at me intently. Then she smiled. “Right.” She leaned closer again. “Tell me you’re fully human.”

  “Grace,” I said. “Everyone is watching us.”

  “That’s what I thought,” she said. She stepped away, pulling me with her. Then she worked the room, offering her free hand to everyone, hugging a few, although not once did she drop her grip on my hand while she did it. If anyone thought it was strange, no one said a word.

  Then she stepped back. “Whose turn is it to offer the prayer?”

  The boy with the old woman lifted his hand. “Mine.”

  “Very good, Benji Jasper,” Grace said. “Are you prepared?”

  “Yes, Pastor Grace,” he said.

  “Excellent,” she said. “Then you and Mila Tova will sit with Teigan and me.” She gestured to one of the tables.

  The boy nodded, and then Grace tugged my hand. Together, we headed for the kitchen. Before we arrived, I asked her, “What’s with the names?”

  “Good question. What is your middle name?”

  “I don’t have one.”

  “Right. Teigan.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Make one up then.” I laughed. She turned me to her. “I mean it.”

  “You may call me what you want,” I said.

  “Fine. Teigan Angel.”

  “Not that.”

  “You just said I could call you what I want.”

  “Not that,” I repeated.

  “All right. Teigan Dove.”

  “I think you’re trying to tease me.”

  “Teigan Dove it is,” she said with a grin. She tugged my hand, but I held my ground.

  “What’s with the names?” I asked again.

  She laughed. “It’s my thing.”

  “Is there more than that?”

  “There’s a story around everything, I suppose,” she said. Then she tugged my hand, and I let her pull me into the kitchen.

  Sue Ellen and Lisa Jean had things well in hand so far, but there would be enough work for the four of us. For the first time, Grace released my hand, but she directed me, and I set to my tasks.

  I waited until things were progressing, and there was a moment’s pause in the conversation before I said, “I think you should tell me the story about the names.”

  “The Sue Ellen thing?” Lisa Jean clarified. “What is she calling you?”

  “Teigan Dove,” Grace answered.

  “Your middle name is Dove?” Sue Ellen asked.

  “It appears to be now,” I replied. “Ten minutes ago, I didn’t have one.”

  Both girls laughed. “She makes up the craziest middle names for anyone who refuses to offer a real one,” Sue Ellen said. “She called me Sue Morning Dew until I admitted it was Sue Ellen.”

  “That’s three names,” I pointed out.

  “Well, if I just called her Sue Dew,” Grace said, “Someone might have thought it was spelled D-O.”

  “True,” I agreed.

  “And it took about three times before she offered Ellen.”

  “And then she made me show her my I.D.,” Sue Ellen said, putting on a pout. “Like I’d lie to her.”

  “She seems very hard to lie to,” I admitted. “And what is your middle name, Grace?”

  She waved a finger at me. “That’s my thing. Come up with your own.”

  “You’re being awfully evasive. You said there’s a story.”

  “I suppose there is,” she admitted. “It just sort of happened.”

  “Uh huh,” I said. “Keep going.”

  “It was during one of our mother-daughter weekends,” she said. “We were telling stories around the campfire. I was calling on people, and I knew a few middle names. I started using them. And then some of the mothers picked up on it, and I learned more middle names. Then the daughters caught on and started using their mothers’ middle names, so I learned the rest. After that, it stuck.”

  “That seems…”

  “Boring?” Grace prompted.

  “I think it’s sweet,” Sue Ellen said. She offered Grace an adoring look then went back to flipping pancakes.

  “Pastor Grace,” said Lisa Jean. “Sue Ellen’s mother isn’t coming next weekend. Sue Ellen thinks that means she has to stay home, too. But my mom says she’d love to have three daughters next weekend instead of two. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

  “I think that’s lovely,” Grace replied. “It wouldn’t at all be the same without Sue Ellen, would it?”

  “Not at all,” Lisa Jean agreed. “You’ll come then.”

  Sue Ellen didn’t answer right away. She focused on the pancakes, dishing them out onto a platter then carrying them to the counter for people to take. When she turned back, I could see the pain in her eyes. Grace opened her arms, and the girl ran to her. They hugged tightly, and then Sue Ellen said, “I tried to get her to come.”

  “I’m sure you did.”

  “She says she’s not welcome in God’s house.”

  “All are welcome here,” Grace said.

  “She said she’s not,” Sue Ellen said.

  “Do you want me to try again?”

  “No,” Sue Ellen said. “She’s not going to change her mind. She says she’s going to Hell when she dies.”

  “Your mother is a beautiful woman,” Grace said. “And no such thing is going to happen to her.”

  “I wish she believed that,” Sue Ellen said. She pushed away and brushed at her eyes. Then she turned to her friend. “Does your mom want me to call her ‘Mom’?”

  Lisa Jean laughed. “She just might.”

  “Maybe I s
hould call her Mama Sasha Sarafina.”

  “Maybe you should,” Lisa Jean agreed. “Please come, Sue Ellen.” The girl nodded, and Lisa Jean held out her arms. Sue Ellen stepped to her, and they hugged tightly for a minute.

  * * * *

  The four of us were the last to sit to eat, although some of the others weren’t finished. Grace offered a simple prayer for us. Around us, people talked while we ate. It was a very relaxed group, and there was no sign we needed to rush. But finally Grace set down her fork and turned to the boy, who was watching her. “Ready?”

  He nodded. Grace returned the nod, and the boy stood. His grandmother offered a hand to him, and he clasped with her. Grace used her knife to tap her glass a few times, and that was all it took to get everyone’s attention.

  The boy offered a two-minute prayer. I thought it was very sweet. Everyone listened quite intently, all of us holding hands. I had Grace on my left and Sue Ellen on my right, with Lisa Jean past her.

  It was a lovely prayer, and I felt a lump in my throat before he was done.

  When he was finished, Grace leaned over to kiss Mila’s cheek, then mine. Sue Ellen pulled on my hand, and when I turned to her, I got a cheek kiss, and I saw that was happening all around the room. She squeezed my hand and released it but asked, “Will you come next weekend?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I barely know what I’m doing today.”

  “You should come,” she said.

  “I don’t have a mother,” I said. “Or a daughter.”

  “You should come anyway.” Then she grinned. “Are you and Pastor Grace lovers?”

  I coughed, and she began laughing. Then Grace leaned towards me and said, “Yes, we are.”

  “Good,” Sue Ellen said. “You should make her come, Pastor Grace.”

  “I’ll invite her,” Grace promised.

  * * * *

  Grace never seemed to stop. And except while counseling some of her parishioners, she kept me with her the entire time. It was hours and hours later when she finally drew me back to her home. We collapsed on the sofa together, pressed side-to-side. “I’m relieved,” I told her.

  “Oh?”

  “I was beginning to think you’re Super Woman.”