My Soul to Win

by Robin Roseau

  “It’s problematic, isn’t it? Teigan St. Claire is an old woman now, and presumed dead besides.”

  “No problem,” she said. “I have contacts.”

  I didn’t ask about that. Instead, I held out my hand. She set hers in mine, and I pulled her down to the grass. We began to touch.

  * * * *

  “Alathea, if I ask something, will you give me an honest answer?”

  “Well, I won’t lie.”

  “Yes, but you are quite good at not answering when you don’t want to.”

  “And you think that has suddenly changed? You may always ask, Teigan.”

  “What do you think I should do?”

  “Well, you have choices,” she said, and I just knew she wasn’t going to tell me what she thought I should do. “You could ask to stay here, at least for now. You could ask to go to the Elysian Fields. You could ask to return to Earth as you are. You could ask to be reincarnated.”

  “You can do that?”

  “If you can envision it, and it doesn’t change history, I can either do it or arrange for it. Hmm. Your reincarnation doesn’t have to be as a human.”

  “I could be a dog.”

  “Yes. If you choose to return to Earth as you are, you could make a new life.”

  “Starting over. I know I don’t want to be a cop anymore.”

  “Then starting over,” she said. “You have an entire life in front of you. Hmm. You could ask to go to Heaven instead, but if you do, I won’t see you again.”

  “Where are my ancestors?”

  “The most recent are in Heaven, most of them.”

  “I could see them again, but I’d never see you, and who knows if I’d see my friends. Evaline.”

  She nodded.

  I looked into her eyes, and then I hugged her tightly. “I don’t want any choices that mean saying ‘goodbye’ to you.”

  She held me easily and whispered, “You’re ready to decide, Teigan?”

  “Are you sure you won’t be hurt if I ask you to send me back?”

  “No, Teigan.”

  “I’d like to go back. It’s a year? My friends are all still there?”

  “They are,” she said.

  “That’s what I want. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I want to go back. But not today.”

  She held me tighter. “Teigan, do you think you’d like to be a mother?”

  I pushed away from her and looked into her eyes. “That wasn’t remotely a casual question.”

  “No, it wasn’t.”

  “This is what you want to ask me, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.”

  “You want me to have children?”

  “Oh, I am far more specific than that. I’d like you to have twin daughters.” And then she set her hand over my stomach.

  “Am I already pregnant?” I squeaked.

  She smiled broadly. “No, but you could be by this time tomorrow.”

  “And you want me to raise them on Earth?”

  “Yes.”

  I pulled away from her. She let me go, although I only went a few feet, turning my back on her. “You’re going to get me preggers then dump me?” I spun on her. “You don’t want our daughters to know both their mothers?”

  “I’d visit.”

  “How often?”

  “Teigan.”

  “I’m serious, Goddess,” I said. “Our daughters would know both their mothers, or don’t do this to me.”

  “I will attend their births,” she said.

  “Not good enough.”

  “And if you feel they need both of us to grow into a loving home, I’ll accept your decision.”

  I considered her words. “You could declare I am sufficiently loving.”

  “I said I would accept your decision.”

  “My decision.”

  “Your decision.”

  “And if I decide they need both mothers?”

  “We’ll raise them together.”

  “Yes.” I ran for her and threw myself into her arms. She laughed and gave me a spin.

  And then, from one moment to the next, we were back at the cabin. She left our clothing behind.

  But she took her time getting me pregnant.

  Fall: Revisited

  “Not again,” I groaned. I was crumpled to the ground, and when I looked up, Harriet Bandstand was directly in front of me. I stood. “Not funny, Alathea. I’m expecting!”

  If she heard me, I couldn't have told you.

  I checked myself over. I was dressed in cop clothes. I sighed at that. But I had a purse. I never carried a purse, but I had a purse.

  I moved to a bench and dug through the contents. They were slim. There was an inner clutch with money, quite a bit of money. There was a note, a passport, a birth certificate, and a social security card. No driver’s license, and no badge with angel wings. I opened the passport. There was a photo that I thought could have been taken last week, and as best I could tell, it was dated today, and it had my original birthday. The social security number was mine, and the birth certificate had my actual date as well.

  I read the note. “It’s a real passport. I’ll see you in nine months. I love you.”

  I wondered what would happen if I tried to actually use the passport, or to get a driver’s license. I didn’t worry about it for now.

  I put everything back in the purse, stood up, and began walking.

  * * * *

  I probably had already chosen my destination, but I’m not sure it was a conscious decision. I came to a stop on the steps of Our Lady of Divine Truth. While I stood there, a couple of teenagers stepped out and descended towards me. I set my hand out. “Is Pastor Grace still the pastor here?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you know where she is?”

  “She was in the woodworking shop,” said the other. “Do you need us to show you?”

  “No. I’ve been there. Thank you.”

  “All right then.” And then they continued on.

  Neither of them recognized me. But I turned up the steps and entered the church. I roamed for a minute, coming to a stop on the sanctuary. It seemed like a lifetime ago when I’d first been here, but it wasn’t really that long.

  It felt right, but not quite as right as it had that first time. I didn’t know what that meant.

  There were a few people about, but no one paid any attention to me. Certainly no one pointed and said, “That’s the angel!”

  Fame was so fleeting.

  I found my way downstairs. The door to the shop was propped open, and I could hear the sounds of kids learning to make bird houses and stepstools. I moved to the doorway and came to a stop.

  Mr. Garner was working with one of the boys. And across the room, Grace was talking to a couple of girls. She had her arm around Naomi – Karen. And even from here – don’t ask me how – I could see the shared love.

  I realized this was no longer my home, and I turned to go, but then I heard someone say, “Teigan?” And then screaming. “Teigan!”

  A body slammed into me. I turned as arms and legs both wrapped around me.

  “Sue Ellen,” I whispered.

  “Pastor Grace!” she screamed. “Pastor Grace! She’s back. It’s Teigan!”

  So much for a silent departure, but I wrapped my arms around the girl and whispered, “I’ve missed you.”

  She burbled something, I’m not quite sure what. But Grace was there, pressing against my back, and Naomi with her. Sue Ellen unwrapped her legs and stood, but she didn’t release her hold on me.

  “Teigan,” Grace said.

  I turned around and made sure I was smiling. “You found love.”

  “We did,” she said. “When did you get back?”

  “An hour? How long does it take to walk from Harriet Bandstand?”

  “You look…”

  “Pregnant?” I prompted.

  “Pregnant?” she echoed. “I was going to say ‘great’. Congratulations! Should I ask how that happened?”
/>
  “Apparently, when a Goddess wants someone to get pregnant, she gets pregnant.”

  “Wait,” Sue Ellen said. “So now you’re pregnant with some god?”

  “I think the term is demi-god, and there are two, so I suppose that means demi-goddesses. Talk to any demons lately?”

  She laughed. “Theophania likes attending school with me.”

  “Seriously?”

  “But Pastor Grace says she’s not welcome in the church, so I kick her out. And then Pastor Grace hauls me to the baptismal fountain, every time.”

  “Sue Ellen,” Grace said. “Maybe you should clean your stuff up. I’d like to talk to Teigan Dove.”

  “Sure,” said the girl.

  “I’ll help you,” Naomi offered.

  “Not so fast. Proper hug.” I opened my arms, and then we held each other for a long, long time. “I’m happy for you,” I whispered into her ear. “I don’t think I can imagine better news.”

  “Everyone was heartbroken when Evaline came back, and you didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry about that.”

  “Don’t do it again.”

  “I’ll try not to.”

  She released me slowly, but I stopped her and looked into her eyes. “Is everyone all right?”

  She nodded. “Yes. Jake and Helen are together.”

  “I thought so.”

  “I don’t think I should say more than that.”

  “All right. But no bad news?”

  “Not one bit.”

  “Good.”

  “Let’s walk, Teigan,” Grace said.

  We didn’t touch, not after that first hug. But we walked side-by-side. “I’m happy for you, Grace.”

  “Do you have somewhere to live?”

  “I have money.”

  “You came here first.”

  “It seemed to be the right choice,” I said.

  She pulled me into one of the pews, and we sat. “We waited for you.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Hush,” she said. “I just want you to know that we didn’t abandon you.”

  “Grace, according to Alathea, it was a year. Has it been more?”

  “No.”

  “You don’t think I expected you to maintain some sort of vigil for a year, do you? Grace.” I took her hand. “Thank you. I couldn’t have done any of that without you. The hardest part was worrying I’d hurt you. Naomi is one of the best people in the world, and I can see the love. It’s radiating off of both of you.”

  “We sort of turned to each other. It just kind of happened.”

  “Just kind of happened my ass,” I said. “She let you believe that.” I grinned. “Does she dance for you?”

  Graced returned my grin and nodded. “She still has it, but oh, I wish I’d known her back then.” Then she looked down at my stomach. “You’re really pregnant? How far?”

  “Um. A day.”

  She laughed. “Seriously?”

  “I’m taking her word for it,” I explained. “I’ll wait two weeks then find a doctor.”

  We stared at each other for a minute, and then she asked, “Now what?”

  “Do you mean now, as in this minute, or now, as in this month?”

  “I guess both.”

  “I’m not a lost waif this time, Grace.”

  “You’re looking so much better.”

  “A year with a goddess can do that. Grace, thank you. Please tell me we’re friends.”

  She grabbed me and pulled me to her. “Of course we’re friends.”

  “Because I came back for my friends,” I whispered. “But I’m not your responsibility.”

  “That’s not why I was asking.”

  I pushed away from her and said, “Of course it was.” I laughed. “You want to meddle.”

  “No. I want to tell Sue Ellen to call her mother.”

  “That sounds like a really good plan. And maybe you could give Kate and Beth a call, too. Tell them I’d like to see them sometime.”

  “Sometime? That’s not really how you want me to put it, is it? That sounds like a brushoff, Teigan.”

  “I just mean…”

  “What you mean to say is that you want all of your friends to get together for dinner tomorrow night.”

  “Right,” I said. “I’m sure that’s what I meant.”

  “And when you see Beth, are you going to sprout wings?”

  “I certainly hope not. I don’t think so. She took them away. And my badge! And my gun!” Then I laughed. “The gun was Michael’s.”

  “Archangel Michael?” she asked. “You had Archangel Michael’s sword?”

  “I guess. I don’t even have my badge anymore. All I have is this lousy passport. I don’t even have a driver’s license.”

  “Like you would know how to use it,” she said with a laugh.

  “Teigan?” I turned, and Sue Ellen was several pews away, standing in the aisle.

  “Come join us,” I offered. I patted the pew, and then Grace and I both shifted down to give Sue Ellen some room.

  “I called Mom.”

  “Good,” Grace said. “I was about to find you for that very reason.”

  “She said if I don’t bring you home with me, I’m grounded for a year.” I laughed. “I’m serious. And I don’t really want to be grounded, so you’re not going to give me any trouble, are you?”

  “No. But did you tell her I’m pregnant?”

  “I was about to, but Naomi stopped me. She said maybe I should let you spread the word.”

  “Naomi is right,” Grace declared.

  “You two probably want to talk,” Sue Ellen said.

  “Teigan, are you back in my life to stay?” Grace asked.

  “Yes, if you’ll have me.”

  “And we’re all getting together for dinner tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow,” I agreed. “Ready to go, Sue Ellen?”

  “Ready.”

  We stood. Grace walked us to the door. That was when I turned and wrapped around her again. I kissed her cheek. “Thank you. Be happy, Grace.”

  “I am, and happier now that you’re back.”

  “Good.”

  And then I took Sue Ellen’s hand.

  Hello

  Sue Ellen led me to a car. She was inside and ready to go by the time I remembered how to open the door. I sat down and then asked, “Are you old enough for this?”

  “I turned seventeen four months ago. I’m hurt you didn’t get me a present.”

  “Sorry?”

  She laughed, and then the car was rolling.

  “Why are you driving for a four-block walk, Sue Ellen?”

  “We moved. And it was further than four blocks.”

  “Oh. I guess I’m glad I came to the church, then, as I don’t know how else I’d have found you and Marley.”

  “I’m there a lot. Mom comes, too.”

  “How have you been, darling?” I paused. “Do you mind if I call you that?”

  “No, I don’t mind.”

  She rotated in her seat, ignoring the road. I was ready to freak out but realized the car was doing all the driving. “That is so weird.”

  “What is?” she asked.

  “That.” I gestured. “Cars didn’t drive themselves the last time I drove one.”

  “That’s the part that’s weird,” she said. “Teigan, are you here for good?”

  “I think so,” I said. “As ‘for good’ as it is for any of us, but no one has made any promises to me.”

  “No more trips to Heaven and Hell?”

  “Eventually, I suppose.”

  “You barely look older than I do.”

  “I know. But I’m older than your mother. How is she?”

  “She started crying when I told her you were back.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “She really did threaten to ground me if I let you get away.”

  I laughed. “I’m not sure I know how to get out of the car.”

  She pressed a button on her si
de and grinned. “Now you can’t, and I bet you don’t know how to unlock it.”

  I laughed again. “You’re right. I don’t. I don’t know anything, Sue Ellen. Will you help me learn?”

  “Sure,” she said.

  * * * *

  We made easy conversation. She talked a little about school. No boyfriends. No girlfriends, either. Well, there was Lisa Jean, but they were just friends-friends.

  We drove out into the suburbs. Nothing looked familiar, but a lot changes in 25 years. I grew quiet, watching it pass by.

  “Is this weird?” Sue Ellen asked.

  “Yeah. Really weird.”

  Eventually we pulled into a very affluent neighborhood, then into a cul-de-sac, and then we parked inside one stall of a four-car garage. “This is home now?”

  She gave me an odd look. “Yep.” Then she had to help me figure out how to get out of the car. But she took my arm and pulled me into the house.

  We came to a stop. “Marley,” I whispered.

  She began crying and held her arms open. I ran to her, and we embraced tightly. But then she grabbed my arms and shook me. “You’re never doing that again.”

  “Mom,” Sue Ellen said. “Don’t do that.”

  “I’m shaking some sense into her,” Marley said. “You’re never leaving me again, Teigan. Do you hear me?” Shake, shake.

  Sue Ellen stepped over and set her hands on Marley’s arm. “Mom. Don't shake her.”

  Marley released me and looked a little stricken. I laughed. “She’s being over-protective,” I said.

  “Are you… hurt?”

  “If by ‘hurt’ you mean ‘pregnant’, then yes, I am.”

  “Pregnant?”

  “Twin demi-goddesses,” Sue Ellen said, spilling the beans before I could get it out. Then she began jumping up and down. “I’ve never been a big sister!”

  “Wait,” Marley said. “What?”

  “Get with it, Mom. You’re usually faster on the uptake. Teigan is pregnant. Her other mom is that Greek goddess. They’re twin girls, and as they’re half gods, that makes them demi-gods, right, Teigan?”

  “I have no idea, actually.”

  “Big sister?” Marley asked. My heart was about to crumble, but then she began to smile. “That’s right,” she said slowly. Her grin broadened. “Suzie has always wanted two little demi-goddess baby sisters. She’s always been asking me for them. And look. Here you are.”

  At that, I heard the garage door opener. That sound hadn’t changed in 25 years, one easily recognized. I turned, and the service door from the garage opened.