Gamechanger

by Spencer FC

  We came out on top 3–2 in a very close game, and Saunders came on in the second half before we made a substitution no one was expecting: my dad came on so that all four of us, who had enjoyed so many amazing memories at this ground watching West Ham play, could have one final memory to enjoy. #livingthedream – seriously!

  Our next match was no joke – or at least it wasn’t supposed to be – as I finally put those years spent doing stand-up comedy to good use by asking some comedians to put together a team. People like Jack Whitehall and Russell Howard are decent players – Russell’s unbelievable, actually – and I thought they’d provide a stern test for us.

  Russell Howard didn’t play, however, and as for Jack Whitehall …

  The night before the match Alex and I were at Glastonbury Festival, watching Adele headline the Pyramid Stage before we headed home on the long drive so I could get back in time for our game. Jack was there, and I was chatting away to him. When Alex and I got ready to leave, I asked him if he was coming back for the game and he just looked at me and grinned. ‘I’m not going to make it, mate,’ he said. He was having a good time and had no intention of leaving Glastonbury on account of a football match!

  It was probably a good call by him, to be honest. We took on a load of his comedian buddies but the real punchline in the end was the result. We won 19–1, despite the comedians calling upon the services of former professional footballer Lee Hendrie. They were so bad, in fact, that even I managed to score. My first ever goal for Hashtag United! Ryan Adams registered the first hat-trick – or hash-trick, as we called it – for the team, and Dan Brown wasn’t far behind with his. In the end they scored five goals each that game.

  We got a bit of stick for that match in the comments section, saying things like, ‘Oh, you guys are just playing rubbish teams on purpose.’ But that simply wasn’t the case. We’d played some really good sides like Manchester City and Umbro, and it was also a bit of a learning curve for us. We just didn’t know what level we were capable of – but we were having a great time finding out.

  The comedians match was the first game with our new goalkeeper, Andy Jeffs-Watts. Our previous goalkeeper, Dan Pheysey, had decided to step down after the Umbro game. Dan works for YouTube, which is how I got to know him, and he’s a good mate. He was getting quite a bit of stick in the comments for some of his performances, particularly after Paul Dickov’s 40-yard screamer.

  Dan has a pretty thick skin and could handle the criticism, but in the end an opportunity to go and work abroad combined with the harshness of the comments meant he opted to step down. We were sad to see him leave but we were able to pull in a top-class replacement. Andy Jeffs-Watts was Seb’s old university-team goalkeeper.

  The YouTube comments can be incredibly cruel, as anyone in this industry knows. I always tell the Hashtag boys to take them with a pinch of salt. Don’t get me wrong, often there’s some really valuable feedback and insight left in the comments section, but the fact is that there is so much vile nonsense left by keyboard warriors who just want to watch the world burn it means sometimes it’s not worth reading them.

  The benefit of doing what we do on YouTube is that every time you score a great goal, it’s captured on video. You can watch it back whenever you want to, and a million people will see it and think you’re a hero.

  The flipside, of course, is that for every howler you make, you’re going to get stick in the comments. Trolls are just part and parcel of the internet, and you have to be able to deal with that.

  It is different for goalkeepers, though. They have it tough at any level: they only have to make one mistake and it’s a goal and they get hammered for it, whereas I could get away with all sorts of mistakes in the middle of the park and there wouldn’t always be such severe repercussions. Except the odd troll telling me I’m the worst player in the team, of course. They might have a point, though …

  Dan Pheysey would be missed, but given that he’s now living the life out in LA and smashing it, I think he’s got over the experience.

  We won games against a very good Google staff team and then YouTube channel Ball Street, before we took on the West Ham United staff team. We hadn’t lost a game so far as Hashtag United – our only draw had come against the Manchester City team – and a win here would see us promoted to Division 3.

  Now, when we started playing Hashtag games there was definitely the sense that we cared more about the result than the opposition. We had a league structure and rewards on the line, so we had some great incentives to win, whereas for our opponents the games were little more than friendlies, with an opportunity for content for their YouTube channels if they had one.

  This meant that we beat some teams we had no right to beat, really, teams with ex-pros in them, and even an Umbro side with a current professional footballer in their ranks, all because we were more up for it than the opposition.

  However, as we played more games, our opponents became increasingly aware that there were up to a million people watching these matches on YouTube, and that they’d better start wanting it a bit more if they were to avoid losing face on the internet.

  West Ham had cottoned on and most definitely did not want to get mugged off in front of a big online audience, so they decided to tool up with some serious players in their ‘staff’ team. They brought a few lads from their academy and some players recently released by their academy – so still brilliant footballers, in other words – and maybe a couple of members of staff.

  I just thought, Are you kidding me? In many ways it was a mark of respect, but at the time that’s not what’s going through your head.

  If I’m honest, I’d have to say I would rather play a team with some ex-pros in than a bunch of hungry, fit-as-a-fiddle young lads who play week in, week out with each other. The young players just want it more. And so it proved as we lost our first game, going down 2–0 to a bunch of very good players indeed. We would not be going up to Division 3 just yet.

  From a football point of view, I hated it. I always hate losing, no matter what the situation, but from a creative point of view – looking at it as the person running a YouTube channel – defeat was good for us. We were getting a fair bit of stick by now for either not playing good enough teams – which was just nonsense in my book, as we were working really hard for our wins – or, as some people even accused us of, fixing the games, which was just plain offensive. A strong reminder of the ridiculousness of YouTube comments.

  Anyone who knows me would absolutely back me up in saying that there is no way I would ever want to be part of something like that. Some people have even suggested that we’re paying the refs, and my answer is, ‘Well, someone has to – they’re not going to do it for free!’

  The games are the games – once the whistle goes they are 100 per cent real. The referees are impartial, just as they should be in any league at any level, but especially one in which a million people are watching the matches. Many of the refs we use are commonly officiating at a decent standard too, be it the Ryman League or other semi-professional levels.

  We do, however, create drama around the match, just like we did with Manny changing sides in the Wembley Cup. We will do that outside of the match because we’re also creating a piece of entertainment, something that I hope sets us apart slightly from the other matches being put out on YouTube channels.

  But even some of that drama is grounded in reality. As captain of the side, I deliver pre-match, half-time and post-match talks, which are filmed for the show. The reason we do it is so we can explain to the viewers who our opponents are, what potential rewards might be up for grabs and what it means to our progress in the division. These aren’t really scripted, however, as much of what I talk about, particularly at half-time, is a reaction to the match we’re playing.

  But even if the cameras weren’t there, I would still have a chat with the lads at these points during a match. When you’re playing football for real, you don’t say, ‘Right, lads, let me do my five-minute speech
now, please.’ But everyone will say their bit, including me, and for some games you don’t need to do one: everyone knows their jobs, there’s nothing to say so let’s just go and play.

  We secured promotion in our next game, winning 7–2 against another YouTube channel, 1080 Football. We enjoyed the moment, but the accusations of having it all too easy weren’t going to go away in a hurry with a scoreline like that, no matter how unfair that was on the 1080 Football lads.

  Perversely, we needed to lose more games.

  One stream of comments just wouldn’t go away. We were constantly being told that we would get smashed by a team called Palmers FC, a Sunday league side with a decent YouTube presence.

  Some ill-informed viewers thought that because we weren’t playing in a Sunday league we were somehow inferior to Sunday league teams. I’ve had the pleasure of playing with many different amateur teams in many different Sunday league set-ups over the past decade, and I can honestly say Hashtag United would destroy every single one of them. We have something special. There are zero barriers to entry to play in Sunday league, anyone can do it. How teams who played at that level were somehow perceived as good baffled me. Again, it’s YouTube comments. Don’t take them too seriously!

  Having said all that, we felt we had a point to prove so we decided to take things up a notch in Division 3 and challenge Sunday league sides to send in a video explaining why they wanted to play us and why they felt they would beat us. If they thought they could smash us, then they could put their money where their below-the-video comment was and come and give us a game.

  And, mate, would we get some games out of this.

  HASHTAG UNITED ESPORTS PLAYERS

  HASHTAG HARRY ⋀

  Spencer FC Game Academy series winner, out of over 10,000 applicants Harry emerged victorious to become the first professional Hashtag United FIFA eSports player. Harry is a die hard Everton fan, a lively character and a handy footballer. He has even played a few games for Hashtag United in real life!

  HASHTAG TASS ⋀

  A shrewd acquisition for the team, Tass is one of the hottest properties on the FIFA eSports scene and already has bags of competitive gaming experience. His progress to the FIFA 17 Ultimate Team Championships in Berlin after winning the Paris Regional must go down as one of his finest moments to date. London-based Tass is also a huge Arsenal fan.

  HASHTAG BORAS ⋀

  Boras, real name Ivan, was the first non-Brit to join our growing eSports team. He is the number one FIFA eSports player in Sweden and boasts the record of taking home one of the largest single prize pots in FIFA eSports history.

  HASHTAG MIKE ⋀

  Based in Houston Texas, Mike brings a truly international feel to the Hashtag eSports roster. His vast experience in competitive gaming and YouTube is a real asset to the team. Mike can also play in real life and likens himself to ‘Mark Viduka’ in the number 9 role!

  I had an itch I couldn’t scratch, and it had nothing to do with Wembley Stadium.

  Early in 2016 a mole on my arm was bugging me and, as my family has a history of skin cancer, I thought I’d better get it checked out at the doctors. It was only a little thing, but they sent me to hospital to have it removed, where I had my arm anaesthetised and a surgeon cut it out. I made sure I was looking the other way while they did it.

  While the nurse was patching me up, I played the cheeky chappie and asked her when I could start playing football again. I couldn’t believe what I heard.

  ‘You need to have six weeks of doing nothing,’ she said.

  Six weeks for a measly little mole removed? Surely not. I had the Sidemen match coming up soon, not to mention my matches for Hashtag United.

  ‘Can’t I at least use the bike at the gym to keep fit and just rest my arm?’ I said.

  ‘Will you do me a favour?’ the nurse said. ‘Take a look at your arm.’

  I did – and I nearly fell off my chair as I saw a hole the size of a tennis ball. ‘What on earth is that doing there?’ I whimpered.

  Someone had messed up big style. The mole, it transpired, was benign – and I suspect somehow they thought it was cancerous when they cut it out, so they took a load of my flesh with it. My dad’s had loads of moles removed and he’s never had a scar like that. Working out what had gone wrong didn’t really matter now, though. I was stuck with a great big hole in my arm.

  It turned out the nurse was right about exercising. With an open wound like that, you’re not supposed to get your heart rate up because it won’t heal and you increase the chance of infection. And what did I do the day after the operation? Get straight on the exercise bike. After all, what did a trained medical professional know?

  What should have taken a matter of weeks to heal became a matter of months. I soon accepted I’d have to stay out of the gym, but I couldn’t avoid playing in Hashtag games, which is why if you watch some of those early videos I’m carrying a lot more weight than I am in later episodes.

  By the time the Sidemen game came around at the start of June, my wound still hadn’t healed. But I wasn’t about to miss that match for anything.

  The Sidemen were using Southampton Football Club’s stadium, St Mary’s, to put on a YouTubers match. Sidemen FC were taking on the YouTuber Allstars, and the best thing about it was that they’d sold 15,000 tickets for the match, so we’d be playing in front of a crowd.

  The teams weren’t that dissimilar to those that played the Wembley Cup, with KSI turning up for the Sidemen this time, and many of my teammates from that match, like ChrisMD and Joe Weller, playing for the Allstars. However, the Sidemen asked me to play on their team on this occasion.

  Now, I like to think that’s because they needed the inspirational leadership qualities of a Wembley Cup-winning captain on their side, but I think it’s more likely that they were short of a centre-back so they thought I’d do. I even got a little bit of stick for playing for them – I was called ‘snake’ and ‘traitor’ in the comments. I could relate to what we’d put Manny through in the Wembley Cup but, at the end of the day, I didn’t pick the teams. I was just really happy to be invited.

  One thing I did bring to the team was some experience of playing in front of a crowd. With a crowd there, every time you do a good sliding tackle or shot, especially if you’re near the sidelines or goal line, you look up and see people screaming your name, which is pretty cool. Of course, every time you muck up you’ll see people going, ‘Argh! What on earth are you doing?’

  It’s instant gratification, positive and negative, which is a massive departure from Sunday league where no one’s really watching and only a few people care. It’s like the difference between YouTube and TV, where you get the instant reaction in the comments below the video. If it’s good, it’s a hundred times better than when no one’s watching, and if it’s bad, well …

  After playing in the Legends match against Germany at Upton Park, I knew how loud you have to shout just to make yourself heard in front of a crowd. I spelled that out to the boys in the pre-match huddle – I think they could hear me over the crowd – and told them to yell themselves hoarse, because the crowd would be going crazy once the match started.

  Whether my advice helped or not, you’d have to ask them, but I know I’d pretty much lost my voice by the end of the match from being so vocal throughout. That might have come as a bit of a relief to the boys!

  What was a bit of a relief for me was to turn up to an event like this and not have to worry about any details of the production, like I have to at the Wembley Cup and for Hashtag games. For those games I rarely get to warm up properly because I have to do interviews with people, and I literally get a two-minute warm-up while all the other boys have a proper half-hour. It comes with the territory, as we’re doing more than just playing a match, and I’m not complaining, but it was nice for a change to just turn up and play football. I loved it – except for one detail.

  I played with that damn hole in my arm, and halfway through the match my bandage fell off
… and then the special dressing underneath the bandage came off too. I was running around the pitch with the wind whistling through the hole in my arm, a really odd sensation. I got a second patch on in the second half and, because I was sweating so much, that came off too. It was pretty distracting, and I dreaded to think what the nurse from the hospital would have said.

  The match itself was a great occasion. I think the Sidemen managed to get a few more hours’ sleep than they did before the Wembley Cup, so people like MiniMinter were more able to show just how good they are at football. Our team won 7–2, and once again a few grumbles popped up about my always being on the winning team, but it wasn’t like you could accuse me of running this particular show.

  The game raised £100,000 for charity, which was a result in itself, and millions of people watched it on YouTube. There was some great football too, and the crowd were going mental. It was a fantastic day. Hats off to the Sidemen boys for putting it together. I went up to KSI at the afterparty and told him that I felt very proud to be a YouTuber that day.

  I came out of that match with two thoughts in my mind. Firstly, I needed to let my arm heal and then get as fit as possible for what was going to be the biggest football match of my life: the second Wembley Cup.

  And secondly, this year’s Wembley Cup needed to be bigger and better than the last one – and it now had to top the Sidemen match, which had drawn an impressive crowd of 15,000 people.

  Fitness first. Once the hole in my arm sealed and healed, I was determined to get into the shape of my life not only for the Wembley Cup, but for the upcoming milestone in my life, my 28th birthday. I told you I was old by YouTube standards.

  So, exactly 100 days before my birthday, I started something called 100 Days of Fitness, in which I would do some form of exercise every day for those 100 days and post what I was doing on Instagram. My friend Jimmy Conrad, a YouTuber and former professional footballer, once told me that the coach never drops the fittest player in the squad. Sure, I might pick the Hashtag team, but it couldn’t hurt to have that line of logic to back me up!