Waves of Mercy

by Lynn Austin

  Some people attach a great deal of meaning to dreams and what they might signify. One girl I knew at the ladies’ school I attended paid a gypsy woman to decipher her dreams and to read her palm and tell her the future. But it isn’t hard to figure out where my dream originated. I am still upset and angry at Mother for violating my privacy. I’m hesitant to fully trust her, yet I miss the easy companionship we once shared. Instead of turning to her, I’ve been confiding in Derk—a virtual stranger—telling him things that I’ve never shared with Mother.

  I need to shake the unsettling feeling that the dream leaves behind, so I decide to spend the morning with Mother, walking the hotel grounds and sitting in canvas chairs on the beach, showing her all the lovely little places I’ve discovered. After eating lunch together, I join her on the porch where she enjoys sitting, and we watch the boats sailing on the lake. We chat with Mrs. Stevens and the other friends she has made during our stay. I play a game of croquet on the lawn with three of their young daughters. The day seems to pass very slowly as I wait to speak with Derk again.

  When it’s time to meet with him, I quietly slip away from the gathering on the porch and walk down to the bench near the lake. I won’t stay long—I won’t even sit down. I’ll just see if Derk has made any arrangements for me to meet his aunt. I’m still not sure it’s a good idea to talk to a stranger about love and marriage, especially since I’ve already made up my mind to marry William. But to avoid my growing attraction for Derk, perhaps it’s better if I talk with his aunt from now on instead of with him. I still have many questions about the Bible that I would like her to answer.

  Derk is already sitting on the bench when I arrive. My heart betrays me by speeding up. I remain standing, planning to keep the conversation short. “Hello, Derk.”

  “Hi. I was worried that you couldn’t get away.” He has no smile for me today. He looks upset about something. Before I can ask what it is, he says, “Do you have a minute? I could use your advice today.”

  “Mine?”

  “Yes. Please, have a seat.”

  My knees do feel strangely weak, so I sit down on the bench, careful to leave a respectable space between us. I can’t imagine why Derk would need my advice, especially since he knows what an embarrassingly confused and indecisive person I am. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “When I got home from work yesterday, there was a letter waiting for me from Caroline.”

  “The woman you wanted to marry?”

  He nods. He looks serious today. I miss his warm smile. “She said she misses me. That she may have made a mistake in refusing my marriage proposal. She wants to know if I’ll give her a second chance.”

  “Just like William and me,” I mumble.

  “Yes, I thought of that.”

  “But didn’t Caroline say she didn’t want to marry a minister? Has she changed her mind?”

  “She seems to be softening a little when it comes to that. She asked if I would be willing to compromise, and maybe take a position as a religion teacher or work as a chaplain at the college. She said the students could be my congregation and there wouldn’t be as many demands on my time.”

  “Are you going to do it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Then I’ll ask you the same question you asked me about William. Do you love her?”

  He exhales as if he’s been holding his breath for days. “I don’t know that, either. I was convinced that I was madly in love with her before she turned down my proposal—to the point of distraction, in fact. I didn’t think I could ever love anyone as much as her. But now I feel . . . wary. I don’t know if it’s because she hurt me so much or if my love for her has faded a little.”

  “Maybe once you see her again it will help you decide.”

  “Or maybe it will make things worse. She’s beautiful and charming and a little mysterious, and when I’m with her I can’t seem to think straight. I want to decide with my head, not just my heart. She’s offering to compromise, and I suppose being a chaplain would be pretty much the same thing as being a church pastor . . .”

  I listen patiently as Derk thinks out loud, fighting a ridiculous prickle of jealousy as I hear him talk about Caroline. But I’m glad to be able to repay him for all the time he spent listening to me and answering my questions. I just wish I knew what to say to help him.

  “It’s hard to know if Caroline’s offer is a test of my commitment to God or if it’s His way of steering me in a different direction than where I’ve been headed. It’s like when I’m sailing and the wind suddenly changes. I have to adjust the sails if I want to stay on course . . . or else go with the wind and maybe find a new and better destination.” He sighs again. “What do you think I should do, Anna?”

  His direct question surprises me. The truth is, Caroline seems very selfish to me for making demands on Derk’s career. I don’t think he should marry her. But I hesitate to give my opinion since I’m very confused where love and marriage are concerned. And William has proven to be just as selfish, yet I’m marrying him.

  “It seems to me,” I reply carefully, “that your situation is quite different from mine now that Caroline has suggested a compromise. William was never willing to do that. I’ll have to concede to his wishes and give up my own desires when I marry him. He’ll be happy and I’ll . . . I’ll make the best of it, I suppose, for my parents’ sake. But in a compromise, both people need to sacrifice something for the sake of the other person, and hopefully they’ll both be happy with the outcome in the end. You’re giving up being a pastor, but I’m not sure what exactly Caroline will be giving up.”

  “Well . . . she . . . um . . .” He scratches his chin. Runs his hand through his hair. “I see your point. . . . So you don’t think I should do it?”

  “I didn’t say that. I just don’t think her compromise is a very fair one unless you’re happy with the idea of teaching or being a chaplain. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure what a chaplain is or does.” I laugh a little as I confess my ignorance and finally—finally—Derk manages a smile in return.

  “I don’t either, Anna. Tante Geesje suggested I talk to the chaplain at Hope College before I decide.”

  “That’s very good advice. When do you need to give Caroline an answer?”

  “She invited me to her house on Wednesday night to talk.”

  “Will she try to pressure you?”

  “She can be very persuasive,” he says with a crooked grin. “In the past, I was so in love with her that I couldn’t say no to her. She seemed very surprised when I finally did and I refused to give up the ministry. She’s going to want an answer on Wednesday night, and if I don’t have one, I’m afraid she’ll accuse me of stalling in order to hurt her and get even.”

  Manipulative. That was the word that came to mind to describe this Caroline. I don’t dare say so to Derk since I’ve never met her. But I’ve met girls like her when I was in school, girls who used their beauty or a false air of mystery to toy with members of the opposite sex, just for fun, and then break their hearts. “Did Caroline say what made her change her mind?” I ask. “You know why I changed mine.”

  “She said she missed me. That her life wasn’t the same without me. She said she loves me.”

  “I can’t argue with any of those reasons. But since you aren’t in a rush to get married, I think you should take your time deciding. I would still be dithering over whether or not to marry William if I hadn’t overheard my father talking about his financial situation.”

  “I’m very sad for you, Anna. You deserve a loving husband and a happy marriage.”

  “You don’t need to feel sorry for me. Many marriages in our social circle are matters of convenience, not love. I’ll find a charitable cause to champion, one that William approves of, and I’ll throw myself into my work. That’s what Chicago’s other grand matrons do.”

  I haven’t been paying attention to the people who have been strolling past us on the walkway while we’ve talked, but someon
e suddenly halts beside the bench, casting a shadow over us. I look up—and it’s my mother!

  “Anna. What do you think you’re doing?” I know by the icy tone in her voice that she is furious, even though she speaks calmly and quietly. Derk leaps to his feet as if he’s done something wrong, making the situation worse. Mother appraises him from head to toe, taking in his tanned skin, his sweaty work clothes, his rumpled hair. I can tell by the way she lifts her chin and turns away that she has judged him in an instant and found him lacking—and her dismissal enrages me. I scramble to my feet, longing to defend him. She can’t see his kind heart, his gentle nature, his eagerness to obey God.

  “Mother, I’d like you to meet Derk . . .” I hesitate, embarrassed that I cannot recall his last name. He comes to my rescue.

  “Vander Veen. Derk Vander Veen, ma’am.”

  “Derk, this is my mother, Mrs. Arthur Nicholson.”

  “How do you do,” Derk says.

  Mother nods ever so slightly. She says nothing. He is beneath her notice. She turns her stern gaze on me. “Is this what you’ve been up to when you’ve gone wandering off by yourself?”

  “What? . . . No, I—” I start to deny it but realize I would be lying. I have been wandering off to see Derk.

  “Is he the reason you wanted to stay longer?” she demands.

  Again, I stumble for a reply, unwilling to lie. “It’s not what you think, Mother. Derk is studying to be a minister. He has been kind enough to answer some of my questions about the Bible.”

  “Without a chaperone present? You would risk ruining your chances for a good life with William for this boy? I thought I could trust you, Anna.”

  “And I thought I could trust you! But instead, you invaded my privacy and read my diary, and now you’re following me around to spy on me? Derk and I weren’t doing anything wrong. Tell her, Derk.” I hate throwing him into this, but I’m confident he can handle my mother.

  “Ma’am, this is all a big misunderstanding,” he says gently. “She’s telling you the truth. We have simply been talking as friends.”

  Mother doesn’t look at Derk, doesn’t acknowledge him, addressing all her words to me. “Respectable young ladies know better than to have friends of the opposite sex. It couldn’t possibly have escaped your awareness, Anna, how improper such a friendship is. And with an employee of this hotel, no less. I’ll see that you are fired immediately, young man. Come, Anna.”

  I grab her arm to keep her from leaving. “Don’t do that, Mother. It isn’t his fault. It’s mine. I kept asking him questions, and he has been kind enough to take time out of his busy day to answer them.”

  “I’ll bet he has. What questions?”

  “I told you. About religion and faith. I’ve been reading the Bible, and I don’t always understand what Jesus means when He says certain things. Derk is studying to be a minister—” I begin to flounder in my panicked efforts to explain, and Derk comes to my rescue again.

  “Ma’am, we’ve always talked right out here in the open, the way we were when you found us. Anna is—”

  “So, it’s ‘Anna’ now, is it? I’m sure the hotel management explained the impropriety of calling guests by their given names.”

  “Yes, ma’am, they did. But Anna—I mean, Miss Nicholson—asked me to call her—”

  “I’ve heard quite enough. Come, Anna.”

  “No, Mother. I won’t.”

  Her face registers shock, as if I’ve said a curse word. “Anna!”

  “I’ve never defied you in my life, but I’m doing it this time. I won’t let you treat Derk this way. He has done nothing wrong, and neither have I. You need to sit down and listen to me.”

  “I will not discuss this any further out here.” Mother tries again to leave, but I refuse to let her go, holding tightly to her arm and digging in my heels. Derk looks embarrassed and uneasy, as if he’d rather be anywhere else than here. I admire him for not taking the easy way out and slinking off, leaving me alone with my irate mother. But I don’t want him going home thinking he won’t have a job to return to.

  “Sit down, Mother. I need to say what I have to say.” I wait for her to sit. “You read my diary. You know I’ve had questions. And as I said, Derk is studying to become a minister. If he and I were going to sneak around and do something improper, we wouldn’t be sitting out here in the open, would we?” My mother owed Derk an apology. I would have liked to tell her so, but she has too much pride to admit she was wrong. She would never do such a thing.

  “Derk has a girlfriend. Her name is Caroline,” I continue. “And I’m engaged to William. The first time Derk and I spoke it was because he mistook me for someone else, a Dutch woman. And so later, when I heard a woman talking in another language that I somehow could understand, I asked him if that language was Dutch. And it was.”

  Mother lifts her chin, shakes her head. “You’re changing the subject.”

  “I’m not. I’m telling you why Derk and I have been talking. Everything is connected, don’t you see? I want to know more about God and figure out who I am and who God wants me to be before I marry William. William forbade me to go back to the castle church where I can find some of those answers, so I turned to Derk. And I also need to know about my past, and why it is that I understand a few words of Dutch, and who I was before you adopted me—”

  “You didn’t tell me you were adopted,” Derk interrupts. “That changes everything.”

  “Didn’t I? I guess I never thought to mention it. My parents adopted me as a newborn.”

  “I will not sit here in such a public place and have this discussion.” Mother starts to rise, but I stop her.

  “See? You’re changing the subject right now, just like you always do whenever I ask questions about my past. You evade them.”

  “I certainly do not.”

  “Can you explain to me how it’s possible that I understand a few Dutch phrases?”

  Mother’s face is pinched with fury, her lips pressed into a tight line, her hands balled into fists on her lap. But she is too much of a lady to release her anger. “I have no idea. Someone from your school spoke it, perhaps. A friend or a teacher. I don’t see how it matters.”

  “You said my parents abandoned me, but you never told me where you found me or how I ended up with you and Father or—”

  “You can discuss those things with your father when we get home. Not here, not now. You’re trying to create a distraction to steer my attention away from your abominable behavior with this boy. I’m appalled at your lack of judgment, Anna.”

  “And I’m angry and hurt that you don’t believe me. Have I ever lied to you before, Mother?”

  “I don’t know. Have you?”

  I hesitate, remembering that I did lie so I could sneak away to the castle church. If she has read that entry in my diary, she knows. I draw a steadying breath. “I am not lying now. If you want me to marry William, you have to let me stay for another week. You have to let me talk to Derk and his aunt so I won’t need to go back to the castle church. There’s no one else who can answer my questions.”

  “Our church has highly qualified ministers.”

  “It’s not the same. They don’t talk as though God loves me and considers me His child.”

  “Now you’re being ridiculous.”

  I don’t know how to reply. The discussion has taken so many twists and turns that I’ve lost track of them all. Mother is adept at redirecting a conversation. In the momentary lull, Derk says, “Ma’am, I don’t mean to interfere—”

  “Then don’t.”

  I admire Derk for rowing on. “But I just want to say that I’ve made arrangements for Anna—um, Miss Nicholson—to meet with my aunt Geesje because I know she has a lot of experience and wisdom to offer. She is a fine Christian woman who helped me walk through some very hard places in my life. Geesje has walked through them, too, and I know she would be much better at giving advice than I am. One of the reasons your daughter and I met here today was to try to
figure out a time when she and my aunt could meet. Anna is telling you the truth when she says this is the reason that she wants to stay for an extra week.”

  Mother doesn’t reply. I lay my hand on her arm, pleading with her as she rises gracefully to her feet. “Please, Mother. You can’t have Derk fired. It isn’t fair to him. I don’t care if you’re angry with me, but he isn’t to blame for any of this. He was simply trying to be helpful.”

  Mother isn’t anywhere near as tall as Derk is, but with her straight spine and imperious gaze she seems to be. “Very well. But in the future, Anna, you need to find a more appropriate way to satisfy your religious curiosity. Now, kindly come with me.” She turns and glides away, seeing no need to address Derk again or bid him good day.

  “I’m so sorry about this,” I tell him as I follow her, walking backward away from him.

  “Me too,” I hear him say. “Me too.”

  Chapter 22

  Geesje

  Holland, Michigan

  1897

  It’s late in the afternoon and I’m weary as I walk home from the ramshackle jumble of houses in Holland’s poorest district. Yet there’s satisfaction along with my weariness, knowing I have offered a “cup of cold water,” so to speak, in the Savior’s name. It’s been nearly two years since my friends from church and I began helping Holland’s neediest families. Heaven knows I understand what it’s like to be poor and cold and hungry. Our town has four furniture factories now, not to mention the basket factory and several other new industries that have sprung up, so the number of laborers and their families who have moved into town has also multiplied. My friends and I do what we can to help—collecting clothes and warm bedding and household items, delivering food, comforting the sick, sitting with those who ask us to pray with them.