Sarah Love

by Geraldine O'Neill

  Sarah raised her eyebrows. “What is it?”

  Lucy’s hand moved to her neck, and Sarah recognised the gesture and knew she was anxious about something. “I’ve thought about it and I wondered if you would consider –” She stopped short as they both heard a noise in the bathroom.

  “If you don’t mind,” Sarah said, starting off down the hallway. “I’ll just go and check on Vivienne. She’s not been too well.”

  Something made Lucy follow along after her and when she heard Sarah call out “She’s fainted!” she rushed into the bathroom.

  Sarah was kneeling on the floor with Vivienne’s head cradled in her lap. She had obviously managed to have her bath and was wearing a quilted satin dressing-gown that one of the other girls had left behind the door.

  “What’s happened?” Lucy gasped.

  “A very bad period – she’s been bleeding heavily since this morning,” Sarah said. “She’s been sent home from work. She had pains in her stomach and she thought a bath might help her.”

  Lucy looked at the blood-stained clothes and the rusty-coloured water in the bath. “It looks more than a period to me, Sarah . . . I think the poor girl has had a haemorrhage.”

  “Do we need to call a doctor?” Sarah asked.

  “I think it might be best if we get her straight to the hospital. I don’t think we should waste any time.”

  Vivienne suddenly moaned, and a few seconds later she opened her eyes. “What’s happened?” she asked. She looked at Sarah and then at Lucy as if she didn’t recognise them.

  Sarah’s heart was pounding. “You’re all right, Vivienne,” she said, hoping she sounded calm.

  Vivienne tried to sit up. “I feel dizzy . . . I think I’m going to be sick.”

  Both women moved quickly to help her over to the toilet where she vomited several times, then they helped her to sit on the side of the bath. She had beads of sweat on her chalk-white face and she was shivering.

  “I think we need to get you into the hospital,” Lucy said. She glanced anxiously at Sarah. “I’m sure it’s not anything serious, but you need to get checked just in case.”

  “No, I can’t . . .” Vivienne shook her head. “I’m not going to the hospital . . . I just want to go to bed . . . I’ll be fine.”

  “Let’s get you into the kitchen,” Sarah said. “I’ve put the gas fire on and I’ve made some tea.”

  Vivienne struggled to stand up and with them both helping her she walked into the kitchen. “I’m feeling better,” she said in a weak voice.

  They sat her down in a chair by the fire and then Sarah brought her tea and a digestive biscuit on a small tray. “Hopefully that might stop you feeling so dizzy.”

  Vivienne lifted the cup but her hand was shaking so badly that Sarah had to take it from her and empty half of it down the sink. When she brought the cup back, she studied Vivienne as she sipped at the tea.

  “How is your stomach?” she asked. “Do you still have the pain?”

  “It’s getting easier . . .”

  Sarah went back to the sink to get the hot-water bottle. “Hold that to your stomach,” she told her. “It will help to ease it.”

  “Do you usually have heavy periods?” Lucy asked.

  Vivienne shrugged. “Occasionally . . . but I’ve never had it as bad as this.” Her eyes suddenly opened wide. “Oh, no . . . I can feel it. The bleeding is starting again.”

  Lucy moved forward and caught the cup as Vivienne let it drop on the tray. “You’ll be okay.” There was a firm note in her voice. “But as soon as you feel you can move, we’re going to get you into hospital. As a trainee doctor, you know it’s the only safe option.”

  “No . . . no . . . I can’t.” Vivienne looked over at Sarah. “Would you please go to the phone box and make a call for me?” She gestured to her handbag and Lucy lifted it up for her. “It’s one of my friends – a gynaecology doctor. He’ll know what to do. Just tell him I’m still bleeding.” She closed her eyes. “He’ll bring stronger medication for me.”

  “No, Vivienne,” Lucy said firmly. “This is too serious, we can’t take a chance. We’ve got to get you in and get you properly examined. If you let it go any longer it could turn into something far more serious.”

  “No!” Vivienne started struggling to get up. “I’m not going in.” Her eyes darted first to Sarah then over to Lucy. “It’s my decision. It will ease in its own time.”

  “Lucy is right,” Sarah told her. “You need to go into hospital. You’ve lost too much blood.”

  Vivienne got to her feet now, stood for a few seconds then walked slowly across the floor. She had just reached the door when she suddenly doubled in two, crying out in pain. The two women ran across to her as she sank down to her knees.

  “That’s it,” Lucy said. “Run out to the phone-box, Sarah, and call an ambulance.”

  Vivienne started to cry. “But you don’t understand . . .”

  Lucy’s face went rigid. “Why? What are you talking about?”

  “Because . . .” her crying went into sobs, “because it’s not just an ordinary situation . . . I had to have an abortion.”

  Sarah’s hand came to cover her mouth. Surely she had heard wrong? Surely Vivienne hadn’t just said she’d had an abortion? This was something she had only ever heard about in whispered conversations back in Ireland. Something she knew very little about. The one thing she did know – and had heard many times – was that it was a mortal sin. Surely Vivienne – a girl from a good middle-class family, a girl who was studying to be a doctor – hadn’t done something as terrible as that?

  “Okay, but we’re going to have to do something to help you,” Lucy said, her voice surprisingly normal. “Have you the phone number of the doctor who carried out the abortion?”

  Five minutes later Sarah was in the cold, musty-smelling phone-box dialling a number which she had scribbled down on a scrap of paper. “Is that Dr Ferguson?” she asked, her voice strange to her own ears.

  “Yes, this is Gordon Ferguson.”

  Sarah went on to explain the situation in the way that Lucy had directed her.

  Apart from several short silences, the man seemed calm and considered. “I’ll just have to sort a few things out here at the hospital,” he told her in a brisk manner. “But you can tell Miss Taylor-Smith I should be out at the house in ten minutes with medication which will stop the bleeding.” He paused. “Please tell her not to worry as this can often happen after such a procedure.”

  Sarah went rushing back to the house, her heart thumping in her chest. She couldn’t believe this was all happening. That Vivienne had slept with someone and had become pregnant. As far as Sarah and the other girls knew, she didn’t even have a regular boyfriend. How could she be so stupid – how could she have such low morals? She was supposed to be an intelligent girl – she was a medical student – the sort of person that people looked up to. The sort of girl who you’d think would be an example to others. “Procedure”, the doctor had called it. Sarah was very ignorant of the subject, and wasn’t even sure if abortion was legal in England or not – it certainly wasn’t in Ireland. She wondered if maybe that’s why Vivienne was so upset.

  She arrived back at the house to find Vivienne asleep on the sofa and Lucy pacing up and down worriedly between the kitchen and hallway. She beckoned Sarah to stay out in the hallway.

  “The doctor says he will be here in about ten minutes,” Sarah whispered.

  Lucy looked at her. “This is very, very serious. We have to be very careful about what we say and do.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, Vivienne could be in a lot of trouble. As you know, abortion is illegal and whoever has done this has taken a great risk.”

  Sarah now knew the situation was as bad as it would be back in Ireland. “When was it done?” she asked. So many questions were coming into her head now

  “The day before yesterday. She said she just pretended she was going to work as normal but went to some cli
nic on the outskirts of Newcastle.”

  Sarah suddenly realised she had no idea of what Vivienne or any of the girls in the house were up to in their private lives. She wondered now if any of the others knew about Vivienne being pregnant. She herself had not noticed anything untoward. She hadn’t heard the medical student getting sick in the mornings or noticed anything which might be associated with pregnancy.

  She looked at Lucy. “What do you think?”

  Lucy shrugged. “I don’t know . . .” She tiptoed back to the sitting-room to peep in at Vivienne. “I’ll be happier when somebody with medical qualifications has a look at her. I had to help her to the bathroom when you were out and she is still bleeding heavily.”

  “Oh, God . . . I just can’t believe it. Imagine a girl like Vivienne getting herself into this kind of situation. You would think she would know better – know more than most girls about what to do.” She shook her head. “I didn’t think she was the kind of girl to have sex before she was married. To have sex with a man who she wasn’t even engaged to . . . or someone she was going out with for a long time. I have no idea who the father of the baby could be.”

  “Sarah,” Lucy said, “you can’t go thinking about it as a real live baby. She was only seven or eight weeks pregnant.” She looked her straight in the eye. “And you can’t go judging Vivienne – it’s her business and she has her own reasons for doing what she’s done. She must have been in a desperate situation.”

  Sarah felt after all this business that she didn’t know Vivienne at all. And, as she stared at her employer, she began to think she didn’t know Lucy very well either.

  She had expected Lucy to be outraged and shocked at the predicament Vivienne had got herself into. What could be worse than a doctor having an illegal abortion?

  A short while later a car drew up outside the house and Sarah went to the door to let the doctor in. She hadn’t really thought about the sort of doctor she expected, but the ordinary thirty-odd-looking man on the doorstep – average height, red-haired and bespectacled – was not him.

  “Miss Taylor-Smith’s address?” he checked.

  Sarah showed him down to the kitchen where Vivienne was now sitting up on the sofa, white-faced and anxious.

  Sarah and Lucy then went into the hallway, closing the door behind them.

  “What should we do?” Sarah asked.

  They stood in silence for a few minutes then Sarah said, “Do you want to come up to my bedroom to see the orders I’ve completed?”

  “This is great,” Lucy said, when she saw the carefully pressed curtains and other items in separate tidy piles. “I was actually thinking earlier that I could deliver some of them to the customers and get them out of your way.”

  Sarah lifted a cream linen bundle. “I’ve also finished this embroidered tablecloth and napkins that a customer asked me to do for a silver anniversary present . . .” She felt as though someone else was speaking and not her. She felt as though she was standing outside herself watching someone else holding up the sewing and talking as if all the terrible things downstairs weren’t happening.

  Lucy touched her hand. “Are you okay?”

  Sarah looked at her. “I don’t understand what’s happening. I can’t make sense of it. If her parents wouldn’t allow her to keep the baby, maybe an aunt or someone could bring it up or she could have had it adopted. I know girls who have illegitimate babies in Ireland are thought badly of but I thought it was different in England . . .” Her mind flew back to the conversation she had had with Fiona Williams and she knew for certain that other people handled things differently.

  “But her life would change,” Lucy said. “All the things she planned like her medical career would never happen. As you explained, she doesn’t seem to have a man to help her . . .” Lucy bit her lip. “You’ve lived a very different life from Vivienne, Sarah, and it might seem hard to understand but she obviously felt she had no other option.”

  Tears suddenly came into Sarah’s eyes. “I’m just trying to understand it all . . .” She went over to her bedside table to get a tissue. “Every time I think things are settling down in my life, something else – something bad seems to happen.” She rubbed her eyes then blew her nose. “I suppose it’s making me think back to everything that happened with Con and Patricia and the baby they were expecting . . .”

  “Of course.”

  “And you know I had problems with Vivienne when I first moved here, and then . . .” She closed her eyes. “And I still feel bad about what happened with Harriet.” She swallowed. “I suppose I feel sad that David’s going away. He was one of the people I first got to know here. I’d got used to seeing him . . .” She gave a teary smile. “It’s so stupid, because half the time I didn’t want to see him – but I liked him a lot as a friend.”

  “All the things you’ve just said make perfect sense,” Lucy told her. “And if it helps, I feel very uncomfortable with what’s going on downstairs. I don’t even know Vivienne but I now feel involved in some way.” She took Sarah’s hand. “It will all sort out. Someone once told me that to sort out what’s important in your life, you have to ask yourself, ‘Will this matter in ten days, ten months or ten years time?’”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I think it’s to make you see how big the situation is and what effect any decision is likely to have on you in the future.” She smiled. “In ten days you will still be thinking of Vivienne’s predicament, but in ten months it will seem like a long time ago. In ten years time, you’re likely to have forgotten all about it.” She raised her eyebrows and gave a little sigh. “I imagine it will be very different for Vivienne. The decision she made will be with her for a long time.”

  Sarah thought she understood what Lucy was saying and found herself nodding. They talked about more mundane things and Sarah said she was going to Lisha’s father’s funeral the following morning.

  Sometime later they heard the kitchen door opening and they both moved.

  “I’ve given her medication which will stop the bleeding,” the doctor said. “And an injection to help any pain. She also has painkillers for tomorrow and something to help her sleep. I’ll let them know that she’s sick at the hospital and won’t be in for the rest of the week.”

  “Is there likely to be any other complications?” Lucy asked.

  He pursed his lips together. “I’ve examined her and I think it should all be okay now. If there are any other problems you can ring me immediately. Just make sure you don’t talk to anyone else except me.”

  Sarah looked away. She didn’t know whether this was the doctor who had performed the abortion and she didn’t want to think about it.

  When they went into the kitchen Vivienne was sitting up. She was still pale but she looked a little brighter.

  “I’m so sorry for involving you in all this and I’m very grateful for all your help.”

  “As long as you are okay,” Lucy told her. “I’m just glad we were both here.”

  “Yes, I’m glad you are okay.” Sarah could see Vivienne needed reassurance.

  “If you wouldn’t mind walking me to the bathroom, please,” she said, “and I’ll freshen up again.”

  When she was washed and changed into clean pyjamas they walked her back upstairs and got her into bed. She seemed suddenly sleepy, but just as her eyes were starting to close, Vivienne looked at Sarah.

  “Please don’t tell any of the other girls,” she said in a half-whisper. “They don’t know anything about this and I don’t want them to. . . . I’m ashamed of myself and I’m so sorry I’ve had to involve you with the doctor and everything.”

  “It’s okay,” Lucy said. “We won’t breathe a word. The less people who know the better.”

  When Lucy left, Sarah went back to her work, stopping every so often to check on the sleeping Vivienne. The other girls arrived at different times throughout the evening and Sarah told each one that the medical student was in bed with bad period pains and didn’t want to
be disturbed.

  Around nine o’clock Sarah took some tea and toast for them both up to Vivienne’s bedroom.

  “I’m feeling much more human now,” Vivienne said, munching on the toast. “I should have listened to the doctor’s advice yesterday and not gone into work. I was silly trying to pretend nothing had happened . . . trying to get back to normal too soon.”

  “You’ve been through a lot.”

  “It’s all my own fault,” Vivienne said. “I can’t believe I was so stupid.” Her eyes filled. “It was after the party at New Year . . . I was very drunk”

  Sarah had guessed as much. “Don’t feel you have to explain to me.”

  “I want to, so you understand. I went back to the doctor’s quarters with Ben Livingstone . . .”

  “Was it him?”

  Vivienne shook her head. “No.” She closed her eyes. “He told me he had a girlfriend back home and I felt so bloody stupid for having tagged along with him instead of coming back home. When I think back to the drunken state I was in, I feel mortified. I went out to one of the mess-rooms to phone a taxi, but I was so drunk I couldn’t find the right number and one of the doctors who I vaguely knew came over to help me. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his room for a drink and stupidly I did.” She covered her face with her hands. “I think I felt so embarrassed for being rejected by Ben Livingstone that I just wanted to prove that it wasn’t because I was unattractive. Oh, I don’t know . . . but I ended up staying the night.” She moved her hands away to look at Sarah. “It was as simple and as stupid as that – one mistake that could have changed my life forever.”

  Sarah wondered how Vivienne could have ended up in bed with a total stranger. She thought back to all the times she had pushed Con away from her. She had known him for years and had still been afraid to let him too close to her. The furthest she had allowed him was his hands on her breasts. If he had moved his hands anywhere further down than her waist she had immediately pulled away.