Me, please

by Bella Jewel

  I mean, it could have gone so wrong.

  But I knew Enzo didn’t think I had it in me, he wouldn’t think I might actually bring a weapon, and even if I did, he was certain I wouldn’t use it. He was wrong. I went in there knowing I’d use it, if I had to. I’ve shot a gun before, I grew up in a house full of males, of course I have. But could I use one to take a life? For Boston...absolutely.

  “What you did,” Malakai says, snapping me back to the here and now, “was fuckin’ stupid, Chantelle. It was stupid, and reckless, and-”

  I exhale, my hands are still shaking from the event. “I know, Malakai. I know what it was.”

  “I’m not done,” he continues, “It was all those things, and it was also incredibly fuckin’ brave. You saved his life. You should have come to us, but I know why you didn’t. You took a risk, and thankfully, it paid off. But you gotta know, we don’t like any of our ladies having to endure what you did today...it’s goin’ to scar somethin’ inside of you, and we don’t want that for you.”

  “You mean the fact that I shot a man?” I say, my voice shaking. “I’m okay with my choice, Malakai.”

  “For now, yeah. And maybe forever. But there is goin’ to come a time when it’s goin’ to bother you, in one way or another. You strong enough to endure that?”

  I look to the room where the doctor is currently looking over Boston, and my heart aches. It aches with love, and affection, and knowing that he’s the best thing I’ve ever had in my life. I’d do anything, anything in this world for him. So, my answer is as clear as it’ll ever be.

  “Yeah, I’m strong enough,” I say softly, looking at Malakai again. “Because I have him.”

  Malakai’s eyes study my face, and then he nods. “You’re a fuck load stronger than any of us ever gave you credit for. Looks, in your case, are most certainly deceiving.”

  I smile, but it’s weak.

  He nods, and reaches out, squeezing my shoulder. “But I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for what you did for him. You are part of this club, no matter what. And you have earned more than our loyalty, you’ve earned our respect.”

  I bite my lip to stop from crying, and nod, “Thank you.”

  “Chan!”

  I look behind him to see Saskia running into the room, her face flushed, her eyes wide and teary. Malakai lets me go, smiles, and walks off to the group of guys all waiting to see how Boston is. I know he’s going to be okay, but they need that reassurance, too. Saskia hits me hard, and throws her arms around me. I embrace her, squeezing tight.

  “I can’t believe what I’ve heard. I can’t believe it. What you did...” she pulls back and looks at me, “you’ve lost your mind, and yet, I am so in awe of you.”

  “I did what I had to,” I say softly.

  “Scared the life out of me when Mason told me the news. Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

  I hug her once more. “I won’t, at least, I hope I won’t have to. I need to tell you, Sas, that I saw Yolanda before I went to Enzo. She said he had been hurting her, and she was leaving. I actually think now, she was telling the truth.”

  Saskia pulls back and nods, “I saw her. And yeah, I think she might finally be figuring things out. But Enzo isn’t going to be a problem for her and her unborn baby anymore, thanks to you.”

  My stomach coils, but I don’t let her, or anyone else know, that already it’s bothering me.

  Not much.

  But the pain is there.

  The guilt.

  The questioning myself.

  “I had to save him. I’m sorry. I hope you understand,” I say, holding her eyes.

  She cups my face. “Never apologize or try and explain yourself to me. What you did...took a hell of a lot of guts, more than I’d ever have, and all you have done is rid the world of a monster. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.”

  Don’t cry.

  Don’t cry.

  Don’t cry.

  I need to change the subject.

  Or someone does.

  Stat.

  “Have you told him yet?”

  I blink and exhale, knowing exactly what Saskia is asking me. “No,” I whisper. “I haven’t.”

  She squeezes my face again, and then steps back. “You need to, honey.”

  “What if...what if it isn’t what he wants? I just got him back, I sacrificed so much for him...if he’s unhappy...”

  Saskia shakes her head. “No, I know Boston, and I promise you...he’ll be okay. I know he will. You need to tell him, honey.”

  I nod, swallowing.

  I glance at the room, then back at the guys.

  I guess it’s now or never.

  ~*~*~*~

  NOW – CHANTELLE

  “How are you feeling?” I ask, picking up Boston’s hand and staring down at his bruised face.

  He’d never show it, not for a second, but he must be in some serious pain. He has to be. Yet he is holding it together, keeping his shit strong. I admire him for that. Pain is a tricky thing to ignore.

  “I’m fine, babe,” he murmurs, looking up at me. “Thanks to you.”

  I smile, but it’s weak and shaky. I’m scared. I don’t know how to tell him this. He told me once he doesn’t really want kids, and that has never left my mind. What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he tells me to get rid of it? I don’t know that I can live with that. I’ve fought so hard to be right where I am now.

  Here I am, with the man I love.

  And that might change.

  And there might be nothing I can do about it.

  “You’re hurtin’,” Boston says, studying me. “Can see it written all over your face. You’re not okay with what happened to Enzo, are you?”

  I swallow.

  Do it, Chantelle.

  Be honest.

  “I mean, that is bothering me,” I whisper. “It really is, but I know I’ll get through it, with time. That isn’t...that isn’t why I look like this right now.”

  He narrows his eyes. “Then what is makin’ you look so fuckin’ afraid?”

  He reaches up, cupping my face, and my heart swells. It feels like it’s going to explode. And I want nothing more than to curl into him, and make it all just go away.

  But I have to tell him.

  “Boston, before you made a choice, before Enzo took you, before it all...I found something out. And I debated whether to tell you, because I didn’t want it to sway your decision. I didn’t want it to be the reason you picked me...and so I kept it to myself.”

  He stares at me. “What’s goin’ on, Chan?”

  I take a deep breath, and say, “I’m pregnant.”

  For a moment, everything goes silent. And I’m scared. So damned scared. I’m terrified that he’s about to throw down, tell me to get out, and that’ll be the end of it. His face is expressionless for a moment, and he just stares at me, vacantly. I hold my breath, waiting for the moment to come, waiting for him to lose it.

  “You’re pregnant?”

  I nod, and a tear rolls down my cheek, but I hang onto the rest. Dammit, do I hang on.

  “With a baby?”

  “I hope so,” I whisper laugh.

  “My...” he stops, and hesitates, “baby?”

  I nod.

  He moves so quickly, it takes me a moment to realize what he’s doing. Only when I hit his chest and he winces in pain, do I see he’s pulled me into his arms, and he’s hanging onto me, clutching me tight, making it hard to breathe. The tears flow now, hard and fast, there is no stopping them. It wouldn’t matter how hard I tried, they’d break through.

  “I fuckin’ love you,” he growls into my neck.

  “You’re not angry?” I sob into his chest.

  “Fuckin’ no. It just makes me love you so much fuckin’ more. It makes it all so clear. It makes me wonder why I ever had any doubt. You, this, all of it. It’s what I’ve wanted and needed for so fuckin’ long, and I’ve only just realized that.”

  I pull bac
k, and he uses a thumb to swipe away my tears.

  “It’s so soon...” I say, my voice still shaking from the tears.

  “Yeah, it is, but it’s also fuckin’ everything. This, it’s all happening exactly how it’s meant to. Know this is new, for both of us. Also know I’ve put you through a lot. But, know this, Chantelle, I’m going to fuckin’ take care of you, and that baby, until my last fuckin’ breath.”

  I lose my shit and he cups my face, hanging onto me, letting me lose it.

  “And it only makes you that much braver for what you did.”

  I take a deep breath and whisper, “I had to get you out of there, for all of us...”

  “Love you for that.”

  I smile and swipe my tears away with the back of my hand. “Say that again...”

  “Love you, baby.”

  My heart, it explodes.

  It feels so damned right.

  “We’ve got this, yeah?” he says to me, voice gravelly.

  “Yeah,” I smile. “We’ve so got this.”

  And we do.

  Because, from the start, there has always been something between us.

  A deep connection.

  An understanding.

  I could look at him, and see the darkness, and only want to light a candle and stay there until it became brighter.

  But it turns out I didn’t need to light a candle...I am his candle, and I bring him enough light to get him through, to pull him out of the deepest, darkest parts of himself.

  And he’s given me back life. Feeling. Something.

  Just something.

  And now, together, we’re going to have a baby.

  And I’ll finally have the family I always needed.

  And so will he.

  Yeah.

  He’s right.

  We’ve got this.

  ~25~

  NOW – PENELOPE

  “Chantelle,” I call, and Chantelle turns in the hospital corridor, her face red and puffy, and she looks at me.

  “Penny,” she whispers, wiping her face and taking a deep breath. “Are you okay?”

  I nod, walking closer to her. I heard what she did. For Boston. And I wanted to see if she was okay. But, it wasn’t the only thing I came here for. I came here to make it right with Boston, too. We’re not made to be wildly in love, or together, but we were made for something. We are in each other’s lives for a reason, and I think that reason is friendship.

  He’s important to me.

  And he’s saved my life more than once.

  I was scared, and broken down, and battered over what happened with Ashton. But, when I heard Boston had been taken, I realized that I didn’t want him to ever live thinking that I hated him for it. Because I don’t. I realized I’m not the girl for him, because I’m not strong enough to endure the things the club goes through, or the things the men have to do sometimes, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t the very best friend I’ve ever had.

  And it’s only now that it has become so clear, that was all it ever was.

  I was just in such a confused state, I never realized it.

  Chantelle stops in front of me, and she looks exhausted. She must be. She’s been through so much, and she’s still here, standing strong, like the damned warrior she is. She is exactly what Boston needs, she has always been exactly what he needs. Because she can love every inch of him, the good and the bad. Not only that, she is strong enough to endure everything about his life with the club.

  She’s brave.

  And beautiful.

  And I couldn’t ask for a better woman to be in his world.

  “I heard what happened,” I say, meeting her eyes. “I wanted to see if you are okay, but I also wanted...I wanted to see Boston.”

  Chantelle smiles, and nods, “I’m okay, and I’m sure he’d love to see you.”

  “What you did for him, Chantelle...it was so incredibly brave.”

  Chantelle’s smile wobbles, but she clears her throat and says, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

  “You’re exactly what he could have ever needed, and I want you to know, I’m so sorry I ever made it harder for him to find his way to you. But you have to know, I think he always knew it was with you, he was just afraid of you, because you accepted everything he was trying to run from. Sometimes, I think he only wanted me because he thought I was so pure, and that purity might help him get away from the darkness inside.”

  Chantelle reaches out, squeezing my arm and smiling softly, “I think you’re right, and don’t ever be sorry about it. Boston had to find his way. We all did. And the events that led us here, they suck, without a doubt, but if it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t be where we are. So, maybe everything happened how it was supposed to.”

  I nod, stepping forward and hugging her. She hugs me back, and for a moment, we just stand like that. When I finally pull back, I say, “I’m so happy for the two of you, and I hope we can all still be friends.”

  Chantelle nods. “Of course we can. We’re in this together. And I know he’ll be glad to see you...”

  I take a deep shaky breath. “Can I go in?”

  Chantelle points to a door just down the hall. “He’s in there. Go on in.”

  I stare at the door, and then look back to Chantelle. “You’re an incredible human, Chantelle. Thank you, again.”

  Her eyes soften, and it almost looks like some light comes back into them.

  “As are you, Penny.”

  With that, I make my way down the hall towards Boston’s room.

  To make things right in my life.

  Once and for all.

  ~*~*~*~

  NOW – BOSTON

  Didn’t expect to see her.

  Was beginning to wonder if I’d ever see her again after what she saw in me, but here she is, standing at my door, staring at me nervously. Still as beautiful, and still as pure, as she has ever been.

  “Can I come in?” she asks me, her voice soft.

  I nod. “Yeah.”

  She walks in and stops by my bed, staring down at me. “You look...awful.”

  I shrug. “Feel it, too. How are you?”

  She nods, and stares down at her hands, “My leg is much better. Listen, Boston, that’s not why I’m here. Can I say something?”

  I study her, but nod without speaking.

  She inhales deeply, and then speaks, “What you did...it terrified me. Seeing you like that was nearly too much to handle...”

  “Penny-”

  She puts up a hand, “Please, let me finish.”

  I zip it.

  “It was nearly too much, but...when you got taken, I thought about never speaking to you again, and knowing that you would have been gone thinking that I hated you, and I realized, I simply couldn’t live with that. Not for myself, but for you. Because what you did for me, it was brave, and strong, and I know you took it too far but...you saved my life, Boston. And you’re not a monster. You’re not even close. And thinking of my life without you in it, makes me feel empty.”

  She stops speaking and stares at me, and I hold her eyes for a minute. “Really appreciate you sayin’ that to me, Penny.”

  She swallows, and reaches out, taking my hand. “You’re not the man for me, but I think we’ve both known that all along. I’ve lived with too much pain, I need some light, I deserve some light. Unfortunately, your club and your life, it isn’t for me. But you, the club, you all mean something to me. You’re my friends. Hell, you’re my family. I don’t want to lose that.”

  I grin at her. “You were never goin’ to lose that, Penny.”

  A tear rolls down her cheek. “You don’t hate me?”

  I shake my head. “Fuck no. You’re my best friend, nothin’ you could ever do would make me hate you. I don’t regret a single moment with you, but you’re right, I’m not the man for you.”

  She smiles and squeezes my hand. “Does this mean we can still be friends?”

  “Never fuckin’ stopped, honey.”

  I
see the stress leave her body, and she exhales. “Chantelle...she’s amazing. I’m so happy for you. And I mean that.”

  I grin at her. “Fuck yeah she is, and thank you.”

  “So, does this mean I get to keep working with Cassie? Because, I’m not going to lie, I adore her.”

  I nod. “Job is yours. Always has been. Always will be.”

  Now the light really comes back into her face.

  A knock at the door sounds, and we both look over to see Maverick standing, eyes on us. “Mind if I have a minute?”

  Penny smiles and then looks back at me. “I’ll call you later, check in, okay?”

  “Okay, darlin’. And Penny?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you. Means a fuckin’ lot to me knowin’ we’re okay.”

  She smiles and lets my hand go, disappearing out of the room.

  My eyes go to Maverick, and for a moment, the air in the room feels thick and tense.

  I don’t know why he’s here, but it has been a long time since we’ve spoken one on one.

  “Not goin’ to take up much of your time,” he murmurs.

  “It’s no problem.”

  He walks in a bit further, and stops. Not close, but close enough that I can see him more clearly.

  “Listen, been a fuckin’ long time comin’ and I should have asked a whole lot sooner about what happened with Nerissa. But I was fuckin’ wild, and I didn’t want to hear it. But Chantelle, she told me what happened. Right after she give me a fuckin’ mouthful about holding a grudge.”

  Fuckin’ Chantelle.

  “But she was right,” he goes on. “I didn’t hear you out, and I didn’t listen. I heard what she told me. And she told me everything. And, more than anything, I fuckin’ think you deserve to know, that I know you did your best. I know you fuckin’ did. I was blinded by hurt, and rage, but shit is different now. I’m happy, and I’m in a good place. And you deserve to be in a good fuckin’ place, too. So, I won’t go on about it, because I don’t do words and bullshit, but you gotta know that I know you did your fuckin’ best.”

  Fuck.