Learning to Stand

by Claudia Hall Christian

  “You’ve had major surgery, love,” John whispered.

  He stood from the arm chair he was sitting in. Moving across the bed to her, he lay on his stomach propping his head on his forearms. She moaned at the bed’s motion.

  “I’m swelling from the fight,” Alex said. “Fuck, I’m sore.”

  “You have a lovely bruise on your face – two really. I was going to post a photo to your MySpace page then I realized you don’t have a profile.”

  Alex laughed and attempted to move on her side. She felt the pull of IVs. Looking up she saw a saline and blood IV.

  “More blood?”

  “You’re so tough. You survived hemorrhaging and major surgery. You’re bleeding, on IVs, and you just amble through the hospital. You never fool Raz though.”

  “Did I hurt his back?”

  “He says he’ll live, but he canceled on his date. I checked on him, gave him some ice and an injection of Toradol. He’s sleeping. He needs surgery.”

  “He’s not getting surgery.”

  “Would you like something for your pain?” John asked.

  “A romp in the sack with my husband,” Alex said.

  “Four weeks,” John said.

  “How are we going to do that?” Alex asked.

  “I was thinking about doing a four week training in Antarctica. I hear they need some Vascular Surgeons there.”

  For the last thirteen years, they made love, at least once, every time they shared a bed. Since Alex had been home, they fell into a pattern of a fast morning romp only to return at night for a lingering sensual ride. The magnetic draw to each other overcame any obstacle, exhaustion, anger or even Alex’s crazy work schedule. Social people, their daily sexual connection was a private intimacy which kept them deeply connected to each other.

  “Why were you sitting in the armchair?”

  “What?” John’s eyes went wide in mock insult. He gestured to the empty shelf. “You don’t think I’m fascinated with the television? You know March Madness is on.”

  “Manchester United playing in March Madness?”

  “No, love, I told you this. The season’s over for my United.”

  “Then no, I do not believe you’re fascinated with the television. Plus there’s no TV in here.”

  “There isn’t?” John looked around the room as if someone stole the television without him knowing it.

  She smiled her crooked smile. She hadn’t intended to, the smile just happened. She was happy to see him.

  “Do not do that,” John scolded. “You know the crooked smile ignites me.”

  “Sorry.” She said looking away.

  Feeling movement near her, her eyes shifted in his direction. He moved to kiss her. His lips grazed her mouth. He pulled back for a moment as if he was trying to decide what to do next.

  “We can do this,” she said. “Remember how much fun we had when we were able to after I was wounded.”

  His face flushed. He had pulled her into the bathroom of her hospital room. They were so fast and hard he had to change her bandages. Sighing at the memory, John raised an eyebrow.

  “Do you want to talk about...?” He started.

  The shadow of sadness fell across her face. She turned her head away from him.

  “Hey… hey…”

  Lying on his back, he pulled her onto his chest. She rested her head on his shoulder. His hand moved across her hair and shoulders.

  “How’s Mattie?” Alex asked.

  “Asleep. Erin said he woke up once in the hospital. He’s fairly doped up, and doesn’t fight the medications like some people.”

  “He hasn’t had 1.2 billion surgeries,” Alex grumbled.

  John laughed. “He’s going to be fine.”

  “Do you have my diamond?” Alex asked.

  “Raz has it. They took the diamond out of your belly button when you reached the hospital. They gave it to Raz. Don’t worry, Alex. You’ll get your bling back.”

  “Do you have my wedding ring?” Alex asked.

  “I do.”

  “How come you aren’t wearing it like you usually do?”

  Alex touched his right pinky where he wore her ring when she wasn’t wearing it. John’s silence dragged.

  “What happened?”

  “They cut the ring from your finger. Your hand had swollen completely black and blue from fighting and the break near your wrist. You would have lost your finger if they...”

  And the storm came.

  Alex clutched at him, and began to sob. John made soothing noises and stroked her hair and back as her sadness and loss came forward. She wept against him. When the storm passed, and she was breathing deeply, he raised his head to see if she wanted to talk.

  She had cried herself to sleep.

  FFFFFF

  Eight hours later

  Thursday morning

  March 27 – 7:00 A.M. MDT

  Denver, CO

  Alex woke when John got up. He stayed with her until the final moment then raced to his class. She fell asleep wondering what she was going to do with herself. She woke when she heard Troy laughing somewhere in the basement. She grunted with pain as she rolled onto her back.

  “I bet that hurts,” Raz said. “Do you want any of these pain pills?”

  “No thanks. Can you help me up?”

  Raz sat on her side of the bed. She reached out her hands. He took her hands and pulled her to sitting. She hugged him. He kissed her cheek then stood from the bed. She moved into the adjacent bathroom.

  “Joseph gave me this and told me to make certain you drank it,” Raz said. “He says you have an eating disorder.”

  “Oh?” Alex took the Ensure from him. “And you believed him.”

  “Alex, you have an anxiety induced eating disorder. You should have seen us. Little light bulbs lit up over our heads when Joseph told us.”

  Alex curled her lip and took a swig of the Ensure. She was about to set it down when she caught Raz’s face. With a nod, she drank the rest.

  “You used to have those all the time when you were with the team,” Raz said.

  “Jax found them.” Alex sighed. “This vanilla one is the only thing I can keep down when I’m anxious. We could go weeks or months in intense, dangerous, anxiety provoking situations. I would go a long time without eating. He didn’t want me to get sick. I’d drink them to make him happy… And get him off my back.”

  Alex fell silent. She looked at the Ensure then set it down.

  “Jax was… really special.”

  “He was,” he said.

  He gave her antibiotics, which she took before getting back into bed.

  “How’s your back?” Alex asked.

  “Bad thanks.”

  “Raz…”

  She stopped talking when he held his hand up. They had gone around and around about this surgery. He wouldn’t budge about this surgery. Period.

  “You, me and Matthew are on the injured list.”

  “How come you’re not in bed then?” Alex asked.

  “I didn’t want to disturb you. Joseph gave us this heating pad,” Raz held up a heating pad. “I asked Troy to get you one of these.”

  He held up a red hot water bottle. Alex furrowed her eyebrows.

  “Momma used one of these when her periods became bad. Of course, we didn’t know about the cancer.” He shrugged. “I used to fill it for her.”

  Alex beamed at Raz’s thoughtfulness. Embarrassed, he left for the bathroom to fill up the hot water bottle. She held up the covers for him and he slipped under. Reaching over, he plugged in the heating pad then placed it on his sore back.

  “What do I do with this?” Alex asked.

  “Lie on your side and press it against your abdomen,” Raz said. “I’ll get you more hot water when it cools.”

  Alex fumbled with the water bottle.

  “You’ve never had a period,” Raz said.

  “I had a few when I lived at home with Max,” she said. “But I was on birth control as soon
as Mom thought I was messing around with Zack. Then I’ve been on the depo shots since I went into the military.”

  Raz sat up against the back board. Readjusting the heating pad, he opened his arms to her and she rested her head on his lap.

  “Tuck your legs up,” Raz said.

  He moved the hot water bottle between her legs and her abdomen.

  “Oh… That’s perfect,” Alex said.

  Raz smiled. “Max is working. He said he would be back this afternoon.”

  “Ok,” Alex said. “He’s got the next gimp shift.”

  Raz looked down at her cropped hair.

  “He’ll have to fight me for it,” he said. Looking around the room, he added, “No TV?”

  “Be glad we have heat,” she said.

  “There’s one in my room. Should I get it?”

  “You sure it works? You don’t usually watch TV when you’re in your room.”

  Raz fell silent. His hand stroked her fuzzy head. He laughed.

  “You’re right,” he said. “I’ve never tried the television.”

  “It doesn’t work. We need cable down here and… I don’t know… something about something else,” she said.

  “Something about something else?” he asked

  “I can’t keep track of everything on the ‘To Be Fixed’ list.”

  “The list is long,” he said. He settled in against the bed’s headboard. “It’s a hundred-year-old boarding house that was all but given to us. How many square feet?”

  “About three thousand a floor, two thousand at the top,” she said.

  “Well, it’s to be expected. Buy a bargain, pay the price.”

  “Hmmm,” Alex said. “How long do we have before we start working?”

  “How did you know?” Raz asked.

  “Know the problem. Know this President,” Alex said. “So how long?”

  “We’re supposed to meet with them in fifteen minutes on the outside. Matthew is awake. He’s eaten and is walking some. He and Joseph have been meeting for the last hour.”

  “Here? We’re meeting in this room?” She looked up into his face. His eyes flicked to her face. “That’s a lot of men in my boudoir. My reputation will be ruined.”

  Almost on cue, his laugh brought a knock to the door. Alex rolled onto her back.

  “Sir.”

  Sergeant Larry Flagg stood in the door with his hand at a salute. Alex tried to remember if Larry had ever saluted her. He stood in the doorway like a toy soldier.

  “Sir,” Larry said again.

  “What?” Alex asked.

  “Permission to enter the room,” he said.

  “Permission granted,” she said.

  “Sir, we would like to hold a meeting regarding our current assignment,” Larry said. “We are wondering if the Lieutenant Colonel can join us in the main room.”

  “The main room?”

  “Out here,” Larry said.

  “They’ve moved desks into the den area by the laundry,” Raz said.

  “Great,” Alex said.

  Standing at the end of the bed, Larry stood at attention.

  “Go away now,” Alex said.

  Larry turned in place and marched out of the room. The door blew closed behind him.

  “What was that?” Alex asked.

  “He, Trece and White Boy are getting a little mandatory training,” Raz said. “Trece’s superior officer enrolled them. They work with us during the day and get this other training at night.”

  “No sleep?”

  “Couple hours a night. Trece says he’s grateful for it because he feels horrible about what happened.”

  “He should,” she said.

  He touched her back when she moved to get out of bed. She turned to look at him.

  “This darkness...” His eyebrows pinched together in a question.

  Scooting to the edge of the bed, Alex grunted as she stood.

  “Hip’s bad too?”

  “John’s giving me injections again.” Walking toward the door, she turned back to him. “Ready?”

  “About this darkness...”

  “I’d tell you if I could,” Alex said.

  “Why can’t you?”

  “Because I don’t know,” Alex said. “I don’t know. I don’t know. God damn it.”

  Bowing her head, she pressed her fingers into her nose to keep from crying. She wanted to scream at him. But it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

  He wrapped her in his arms. They stood together until there was another knock at the door. She stepped back. Giving him a slight smile, she went out to meet with the men.

  After all, Cee Cee Joiner was more important than the loss of her child. After all Cee Cee Joiner was...

  She stopped walking.

  F

  CHAPTER thirteen

  The wheels of Alex’s mind clicked through the information from the Weasel. Feeling a hand on her arm, she looked up to see Joseph. He held a pad of paper and yellow pencil which she took. Wandering in front of the stunned men, she found a table and began to write. She looked up when Sergeant Flagg touched her.

  “Lieutenant Colonel?” Sergeant Flagg asked.

  “Leave her,” Joseph said.

  “But I’m an intelligence officer. She needs my help.”

  “She doesn’t need anyone’s help. Why don’t you make a fresh pot of coffee? She’ll be done in a minute,” Joseph said. Turning to Matthew, he said, “This is what I told you about. And it is your job, Mac Clenaghan, to make sure she gets it.”

  “What?” Matthew said.

  “A pad of paper, a pencil and about fifteen minutes of silence.”

  Matthew nodded his head.

  Alex had no idea what happened. It was like walls of a maze lined up in her mind. Working with her pencil and paper, she tracked the flow until she reached the conclusion. It was something she had always been able to do. Sure, her father had trained her how to track her mind, what questions to ask and what to follow. She was also Ben’s daughter.

  But when things began to click together, the world faded. She had been told she hummed and tapped her pencil against the pad. She only remembered the maze of facts. Max had the same capability but he didn’t like the way it felt. He preferred a more logical approach over her ‘woo woo’ methods.

  Nodding her head, Alex looked up to the men. Sergeant Flagg put a mug of coffee within reach. She looked at the coffee and realized it was black. She was about to get up when Troy set a carton of milk next to the mug. He shrugged a shoulder to her thanks. Taking a drink of her coffee, she was ready to start.

  “I thought we could talk about Joiner,” Joseph said.

  He motioned for Matthew and Raz to take the ancient brown leather couch. Troy reversed a metal folding chair and sat down. Vince slid into a leather arm chair. Trece and White Boy stood at attention toward the edges of the meeting. Larry looked confused then stood between them.

  “You’re going to leave them there?” Alex asked Joseph.

  Joseph glanced at Trece, White Boy and Larry.

  “They have not made their peace with their superior officer. Until they do, they will remain at the fringes of this group.”

  “He hasn’t either.”

  Alex pointed to Troy. Troy threw himself from the couch until he lay face down at Alex’s feet. Alex kneeled down. He looked up at her.

  “I’m a fucking asshole… for so many things,” he whispered to her. “I try. I really try to not be like him. But there I go again. Trample all over the people who care about me for no reason at all. Oh God Alex, I am my father.”

  “At least you know you’re doing it,” she said.

  “Only when it’s too late.”

  “I can’t imagine not being your friend.” He sniffed at forming tears. “I’m sorry I made that happen. Can you forgive me?”

  Alex nodded. Troy popped to a crouch to hug her. He helped Alex to her feet.

  “What did he do?” Troy pointed to Vince.

 
“I mow the grass at the Fey Special Forces Team memorial,” Vince said. “Another guy does the edging.”

  “I do the edging,” Matthew said.

  “It’s the least I can do. Those men saved my life. ”

  “Exactly,” Matthew said.

  “Anyway, I went there after getting reassigned. I would need to find someone else to care for the grass. Alex and I talked when she got there. She and some of the wives clean the stones. Anyway, I remain ashamed of my behavior.”

  Alex gave Vince a weak smile.

  “Permission to speak, sir,” Trece said.

  “You don’t have anything to say,” Alex said.

  The change in her was immediate. She whipped around to face Trece. Her voice wasn’t loud but the rage and injury laced words made every man in the room cringe.

  “We were never friends. Even though I thought our relationship was personal, and treated you as a friend, a member of my family, I was stupidly deceived. I was only your package, your object to guard. There’s no apology necessary. Right? After all, you secured your package, so you went about your business.”

  “Isn’t that correct, Captain Ramirez?” Alex said.

  Alex shook with rage and indignation. Trece’s eyes blinked but never wavered from staring straight ahead.

  “I was never your FRIEND. I was never important enough to be an ACQUAINTANCE! I was only your JOB, your PACKAGE.”

  Out of breath from yelling, her voice dropped to an eerie low, “Tell me that’s not correct.”

  “Let me tell you! You’re not very good at it. Because this package,” Alex punched her chest, “barely survived machine gun assault, torture, three days in a sensory dep chamber, and yesterday’s trampling from a psychopath. I don’t think I need a BODY GUARD. You can crawl back into whatever hole you came from.”

  Turning to see the slack jawed, stunned men, she grabbed her pad of paper and pencil.

  “I just remembered. I’m a civilian,” she said. Stalking out of the room of shocked men, she turned at the edge of the room to say, “Good luck finding Cee Cee Joiner. I hope he dies an awful death like the one he planned for me.”

  She threw the pad of paper at Joseph and went into her room. Slamming then locking the door, she moved through the room to the bathroom. She turned on the bathroom exhaust fan and the shower. Fully clothed, she climbed into the back of the shower. She slid down the wall until she sat with her knees against her chest.