Learning to Stand

by Claudia Hall Christian

  “I said, ‘I’m a Green Beret.’ You said, ‘Will you help me? I’ve been walking a long time and I can’t find the hospital.’ I agreed to take you but on the condition that we call your parents. You said, ‘I would never lie to a fellow Green Beret. Mommy has a new baby AND my little brother AND my bossy older sister. She doesn’t have time to deal with me or my twin. I assure you, suh, that’s what she said. My brother needs me.’ You were so clear and self assured. I opened the door and drove you to the hospital.

  “Once we got to the door of the hospital, you took off running. I chased you through the hospital until we got to a room. Through the window in the door, I saw a single hospital bed. The white sheet seemed to vibrate.” Steve made a flutter movement with his hand. “You were trying to get in the room but you couldn’t work the door knob. I flipped the knob and you sprinted into the room.

  “The moment the door opened, I could hear a child sobbing. Of course, you never hesitated, looked back, or said another word to me. You plopped your shoes off the side of the bed and got under the sheet. When I got closer to the bed, I saw an identical face, a little boy. He put his arm around you, and you nestled into him. You both had an arm around the Teddy Bear.”

  “Max had heart surgery. They made him stay at the hospital by himself. Poor Maxie.”

  “I had no idea what to do. I left the room to get a nurse, but they were busy attending to another child. Standing in the hall, scratching my head, I saw your Dad strolling toward me. I’d never met him but I knew who he was. I figured it was court martial city for me. He stood next to me at the window in the door. He said, ‘She’s in there, right?’ Trying for cool, I said, ‘Who?’ He laughed then went in the room.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I followed him in. He was a General. Not just a General. The General Patrick Hargreaves. By this time, you had pulled the sheet over both of your heads. Your Dad walked up to the bed and flipped the sheet down. I’ll tell you Alex, I’ve never seen any parent love their children more than your Dad did at that moment. When the two of you turned to look at him? He burst out laughing. Looking at me, he said, ‘You’ve met my twins?’”

  Steve laughed at the memory.

  “You started talking the moment the sheet moved. The bed was bigger than the one at home. You wouldn’t put your finger in Max’s heart ever again. You didn’t get in the bed with your shoes on this time. Yes, Mommy’s mad but as a Green Beret you had to make the hard choice. Maxie really, really, really needed you here. You went on and on. You were there talking away and the great General Patrick Hargreaves? He laughed his ass off at you.”

  Alex smiled. She didn’t remember any of this. She knew they’d arranged for her to stay with Max after he had heart surgery. She never knew how that happened.

  “After your Dad arranged the details with the nurses, and you solemnly swore not to cause any trouble, he invited me for coffee. I think he was putting off having to tell your Mom. We drank coffee and talked about nothing – the Army, life. I drove home and slept for three days. Then, about an hour before I was to leave for awful Iran, your Dad called. He was starting a new project and wondered if I wanted to be involved. That’s how I began training you, Max and Colin. I run his project now.”

  “Trece said you work security for rich people.”

  “Yes. Movie stars, rich people, heads of corporations, and other interesting people.”

  “Black Ops.”

  “We make money for the Army and we take care of problems.” He nodded.

  “Joiner,” Alex said.

  He nodded.

  “That’s why Trece knows so much about Joiner.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t tell you that story to talk about Cee Cee Joiner,” Steve said. “For as long as I’ve know you, Alex, you’ve had a self assured sense of who you are and what you wanted. You married John Drayson after knowing him only thirteen hours.”

  “Trece said the same thing,” Alex said. “That was different.”

  “I think I was the only person who wasn’t surprised.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he was Max’s roommate. Max liked and trusted John. Of course you would like him. That’s what I told Ben when he was whining about it. We didn’t tell your father because we felt smug. For once we knew something he didn’t.”

  “Maybe I finally grew up,” Alex said. “I mean who the fuck do I think I am? The only female Green Beret. Whoop de fucking do.”

  Steve raised his eyebrows at her comment. With Alex lost in thought, and her Sensei pondering how to reach her, they sat in silence.

  “You love being a Green Beret.” His simple statement shattered the silence.

  “At what cost?” Alex asked. “I killed my team. I’ll never have a child. No matter what my so called ‘friends’ say, they don’t respect me. And before you tell me about all the lives I saved, I couldn’t save my own child’s life. What’s it matter?”

  “Some things are not meant to be.”

  “You should have a conversation with my mother! All of her predictions have come true – I’ll never have a child, my husband will leave me and I will die alone.”

  “You’re depressed.”

  “I’m angry,” Alex said.

  “With?”

  “Myself,” Alex said. “I always thought I was special. You know, I’m a male/female single zygote twin, General Hargreaves’ beloved daughter, Ben’s protégé and all that crap. I’m not special. I’m just me. And just me doesn’t cut it anymore. Maybe before I got everyone killed but not now.”

  “Why do you lie to yourself?”

  “How am I lying?”

  A master martial arts teacher, Steve’s raised his eyebrows were his challenge. Alex didn’t respond.

  “Yesterday, I had a lovely visit with Cecil Joiner Sr. at his beachside home in Cancun,” Steve said. “I still don’t believe the man has Alzheimer’s but he’s a great actor. I hopped a shuttle to Nicaragua, I had dinner with Charlene O’Brien.”

  Alex’s head jerked to look at him.

  “I told her you found Charlie’s wedding ring,” Steve said. “I offered to bring it to her, but she said she’d rather see you. She’s… better, I guess that’s the word, better than she was when Charlie died.”

  “They’d been married forever. Raised five kids. He was going to retire in six months.”

  “Thirty-two years,” Steve said.

  Alex’s eyes welled with tears.

  “She’s sorry she pushed you and the others away,” Steve said.

  “She pushed her kids away too,” Alex said. “I see them from time to time.”

  “Some people get very angry when the person they love dies. She could only focus on building their dream home in Nicaragua. Now that the house is finished, she understands that she, more than anyone else, had Charlie. In some ways, he remains with her. She said to tell you to come for a visit and bring her diamond too.”

  Alex smiled. The team had received diamonds for saving the Board of Directors of a diamond mining company and had created jewelry, like the diamond Alex wore in her belly button, for themselves and their families. Alex found the diamonds in the vault last year. She’d tried to get in touch with Charlie’s wife Charlene, but Charlene wouldn’t have anything to do with her. She had Charlene’s diamond ring and Charlie’s wedding band tucked into a safe in her secure work space.

  “Charlie never told her about the ring?” Steve asked.

  “He wanted to surprise her. Kind of a retirement gift. She didn’t know he’d bought the property in Nicaragua either,” Alex said. “He loved her completely. She was his entire world.”

  “She gave me something for you,” Steve said. “She was very insistent. She said there are more but you needed this one right away.”

  Steve took a small journal from the inside pocket of his overcoat.

  “Charlie’s journal.” Alex words came as a gasp. He set the book in her outstretched hands.

  “Charlie willed you his journals
,” Steve said. “Maria told her that you were struggling with new leadership role. She wanted you to have this one. It’s his first six months with your team.”

  Alex held the book to her nose.

  “It smells like him,” she said.

  “Charlie had been a leader for almost a decade when he and Joseph formed your team,” he said. “And still, he struggled.”

  Unsure of how to respond, Alex held the book to her heart.

  “I need to check in with my men,” Steve said. “There’s a meeting at eight. Joseph requested our attendance.”

  Alex nodded.

  “I’ll leave you here,” Steve said. “What should I tell your husband?”

  “Nothing,” John said.

  Steve gave something between a nod and a bow then took the stairs to the first floor.

  “I brought you some coffee.” John gave Alex a thermal mug of coffee. “Will you eat?”

  Alex nodded. From his pocket, he pulled two buttered pieces of soda bread toast. Alex brightened.

  “I do love this bread,” she said. “And you.”

  “You won’t stay by yourself all day, will you?”

  She shook her head. He kissed her forehead then as if drawn by a magnet, he kissed her lips, her chin and nuzzled her neck. With a sigh, he stepped back.

  “Twenty-nine days.” His eyes raked her body while he backed away from her. “I can hardly wait.”

  Smiling, she waved good-bye. She watched him walk to his rental car through the windows in the front of the house. Glancing at her watch, she realized their contractor and his men would arrive any minute. She took the stairs to her bedroom.

  As promised, the heat had been installed. Crossing the room, she sat down in one of the few things that survived the car bomb – the overstuffed green chair. With a view of the garden through a multi-paned French door, Alex settled in to read.

  FF

  Eight o’clock came and went.

  The first time through Charlie’s journal, she re-lived and re-felt her first six months as a Green Beret. At one point, she was crying so hard she couldn’t read his words. She had to get a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom to hold her tears.

  The second time through Charlie’s journal, she laughed at his descriptions of everyone, including her. Holding the journal to her chest, she felt as if her teammates had reappeared in all their beautiful horridness.

  “You missed the point,” Jesse said.

  “I miss everything. These were the best days of my life,” Alex said. “I...”

  She shook her head at her best-friend’s apparition.

  “Why isn’t today the best day of your life?” Jesse asked.

  “You’re not here.”

  Jesse made his apparition flash.

  “You know what I mean,” Alex said.

  “Read it again,” Jesse said. “The person you’re missing is you. Read about yourself this time. Go on lazy butt.”

  Alex watched him fade. With a sigh, she started Charlie’s journal a third time. In the journal, she met herself. She met Charlie when she was twenty-one years old. She’d been married a week. What he initially called impulsive, he later labeled near psychic.

  On the last page of the journal Charlie O’Brien wrote:

  ‘It’s clear to me now that we need to forge a team around Hargreaves. Fuck. I wish I’d had her ten years ago. She’d have saved a lot of lives. God damn. Hargreaves is going to make this crazy fantasy about saving hostages come true. Got to hold onto her and I’ll get what I want. I’ll save the forgotten hostages, and never again will an American rot away in some foreign prison camp.

  The last line of Charlie’s journal said:

  ‘The question is no longer, how do we do this thing? The question is: what does Hargreaves need to get this job done?

  “And what do you need?” Jesse asked.

  “You and the boys.”

  “Take it as an academic question,” Jesse laughed. “If you didn’t have us, what would you need to get the job done?”

  “Who said I wanted to do the job?” Alex’s face was set in defiance.

  “You’re going to have to train the next person. Gordon’s not going to let you go unless you do. What would that person need?”

  Alex curled her lip to him.

  “You don’t have to,” Jesse said. “You’re clearly intimidated by the task. And I know how lazy you are...”

  “Lazy? Intimidated?” Alex scowled. “Just because I don’t want to do this doesn’t mean I’m lazy or intimidated.”

  “Yeah, sure.” Jesse disappeared.

  Grumbling at Jesse, Alex went to the bathroom to check for hot water. To her delight, both the shower and the bathtub were hooked up. She stared at the bathtub. Sadly, baths were forbidden for a month after her hysterectomy. She almost gave up when she realized she could shower!

  While in the shower, her mind drifted to the question. What did she need? Every time she realized she was making a list in her mind, she forced herself to think about something else. Before she knew it, her mind returned to the question.

  What did she need?

  Drying off, she wandered into her closet in the hopes of finding something to wear. To her delight, her sister Samantha had fulfilled her oldest sister duties to Alex’s benefit. Alex pulled on a pair of cozy fleece pants, a long sleeved T-shirt and a wool sweater.

  Starting down the stairs with Charlie’s journal in hand, Alex felt every ache and pain. Her hip hurt, her left arm ached, and her abdomen was too painful to consider. She was grateful her morning training had loosened her muscles and joints. She probably wouldn’t be able to walk down the stairs without it.

  She stopped in the kitchen for a refill of coffee then went down to the basement. Not wanting to disturb the meeting, she worked the security to get into her office. Letting the door slide closed behind her, she put Charlie’s journal into her safe.

  Without another thought, she set to work. In a half hour, she signed into Military Intelligence where she had a quick conversation with her Sergeant. He agreed to meet her at the house. He transferred her to Colonel Gordon. Colonel Gordon backed her one hundred percent.

  Before leaving her office, Alex took Charlie’s wedding ring out of the safe. Tucking the ring into the piece of blue cast which crossed the palm of her left hand, she went to kick some ass.

  F

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Friday morning

  March 28 — 11:35 A.M. MDT

  Denver, CO

  The men were working on their laptops when she entered the room. Seeing the determined look on Alex’s face, Joseph turned the men over to her without question. Alex stood at the back of the room near the door.

  “I’ve done some thinking. I’ve realized that my own lack of clarity has, in part, led to the failure of this team. I must shoulder that responsibility, and for my failure I apologize.”

  Uncomfortable with her apology, the men shifted restlessly in their seats.

  “If I’m to lead any team, I need to be clear on what I expect, what the team will look like, and what everyone’s roles will be. If I am to lead this team, this is what’s going to happen.

  “If Major Walter determines you are appropriate for my team you will do what you are told without hesitation, question or comment. Is that clear?”

  ‘Yes sir’ And ‘Yes, ma’am’ filtered back.

  “You will call me sir. You will think of me as a man. You will speak of me as a man. You will refer to the Fey in the male gender. If you are unable to do this, you pose a direct threat to my life and I will take immediate action. Is that clear?”

  “Yes sir,” the men said.

  “You will not question my authority, my actions or my methods.”

  “Yes sir,” the men said.

  “You will do every single thing in your power to support each other and our mission goals. You will not put each other down, compete for attention or keep track of who scores points. You will function as a team member or you will
be dismissed.”

  “Yes sir.”

  “Your conduct will be exemplary. You will be one hundred percent faithful, loyal and dedicated in every area of your life. I will not associate with cheaters, liars, or addicts. Cheating on your taxes, your lover, or even at poker will end in immediate dismissal. And don’t think I won’t find out because I always find out.”

  “Yes sir.”

  “You will be in top physical condition at all times. My team can leave for the field at the drop of a hat. I will not tolerate any team member being in less than his or her own top physical condition.”

  “Yes sir.”

  “You will do everything in your power to provide me, and your other team members with the tools they need to function. You will be helpful, cheerful, and supportive to each other as well as to me. Moreover, you will choose or be assigned a partner. You will be as responsible for your team partner as you are for yourself. Is that clear?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “My team’s most effective tool is image and intimidation based on that image. To anyone outside the team, including command, you must look, act, talk and think of yourself as tough, capable and smugly superior. Within the team, you must be kind, generous, and supportive to one another. The world sees only the façade we choose to show them. Within the team, we see everything. We are a level team with strong leadership. You think you are better than someone on the team? You will be replaced. You think you’re better than everyone else in the world excluding your teammates? You will thrive. Is that clear?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “We work when we work. We do not work when we do not. You do not start at nine in the morning and get off at six. You are off work when I tell say you are off work. Saturdays, Sundays, weeknights and vacations are for civilians or grunts. You want to work on this team, you work when you work. And you are working this weekend.”

  “Yes sir.”

  “Sergeant Flagg?”

  “Yes sir.” Larry stood to salute Alex.