Give It Up

by Stephanie Perry Moore

  “What do you mean?”

  “She just made me think about my future. She helped me see all the stuff that I’d have to give up if I had a baby. I just think she’s all-around cool.”

  “I hope so. I shared something with her today.”

  Claire leaned in, expecting Pia to say something.

  “Forget it, never mind.”

  “Y’all better hurry up and get on out here,” Coach Reeves yelled, keeping Pia from revealing all.

  Claire took Pia’s hand and led her into the gym. As soon as Pia and Claire stepped out into the gym, their team captain Chancy and her groupies stared hard at Pia.

  Pia found the strength within and said, “So what? Y’all want to talk about this thing or what? I don’t know how my name got on the list.”

  Chancy said, “Obviously because you’re too hot to trot, walking around here like you’re the good senorita. Somebody been doing some salsa something.”

  “If you don’t know that, then you need to shut your mouth,” Claire said, getting Pia’s back.

  “One of the dance girls is on the list, and now people are talking about all of them.” Chancy said. “We can’t afford for our cheerleading squad to be trashed too.”

  “If you’re on the cheerleading squad, it’s already messed up,” Claire said.

  The two of them got in each other’s faces. It wasn’t until Coach Reeves blew the whistle that they came apart. Pia felt horrible.

  A couple of weeks ago someone had taken her innocence. Now most of the girls she cheered with were trying to take away her dignity. She had to figure out a way not to let them.

  Claire dropped Pia off at her apartment around four thirty in the afternoon. When Pia got into the apartment, she felt like she was going to throw up when she saw her mom and her mom’s boyfriend sprawled out across the sofa in the living room, barely clothed.

  “Mama!” Pia yelled, seeing too much of their disgusting, unfit bodies. “Can you two get up and go somewhere else?”

  Her mom barely moved until, finally, after being jabbed enough by Pia, she looked up and said, “You’re home already? I thought you just went to school.”

  Her mom was wasted. There were smashed beer cans, cigarette butts, and a bong on the coffee table.

  Pia lost it. She screamed, “You’re supposed to be taking care of me! I come home, and I have to take care of you! When are you going to be my mom? When are you going to care? When are you going to make something of your life?”

  “Yeah, when are you going to do all that?” the man next to her mom called out, and then he giggled.

  “Oh, Jim! Just get your stuff and go!” Pia’s mom yelled.

  Jim looked at Pia and licked his lips. “You let me do your kid I’ll give—”

  Her mom slapped Jim before he could finish. Pia smiled wide. Jim couldn’t believe he’d said something offensive.

  “Get out of my house!” her mom yelled as she went over to the front door, opened it up, and pushed him out, not even caring that he was trying to put on his pants.

  Pia went to clean up. She didn’t want to take care of her mom, but that’s all she knew to do. As she straightened, the tears kept falling. Her heart was breaking, not just thinking about how disappointed she was in her mother, but how much she hated her own life as well. Suddenly, Pia fell to her knees and really wept.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie. Sorry I let you down. It’s hard. I’ma do better. I promise.”

  “That’s not it, Mom.”

  “Well, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

  “You don’t care about me.”

  “If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be giving my body to feed your butt,” her mom answered with slight anger in her voice.

  “It’s not like I asked you to do that. If you knew what was going on with me, you’d make sure I’m alright.” “What you going on about? What’s wrong with you?”

  Tired of not being real with her mom, she said, “Mama! A couple weeks ago I was raped!”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Pissed (Sanaa’s Middle)

  Sanaa was fed up with folks at Jackson High School talking about her. She was also tired of Toni, her so-called best friend, pretending to her face that they were cool. Yet Sanaa saw Toni’s true thoughts and feelings shining through in things she was posting about Sanaa online. So when Sanaa saw Toni huddled with some other girls at school, she just kept walking.

  Toni said, “Hold up, Sanaa! What’s wrong with you? Walking past people with your nose all in the air and stuff.”

  “What were you doing over there talking to them? You know they don’t like me. Then you expect me to go over and act like we’re all good.”

  “So what are you trying to say? If I’m friends with them, I can’t be friends with you?”

  “I’m not saying anything. I kept walking. You’re the one following me.”

  “Okay, what’s up your butt? Or should I say who? Because I’ve just been trying to figure this whole swoop list thing out. Whatever guy you were with, he obviously sold you out. But you saying it wasn’t anybody so ... you know how people start rumors.”

  The way Toni said that, Sanaa knew there was more to what was being said than met the eye. She felt that deep down, Toni was happy her reputation was soiled. That hurt her.

  “Where you going?” Toni asked when Sanaa turned back around to head towards the ladies room.

  “Going to the bathroom! Is that a problem?”

  “No, let’s go to the other one down the hall, like in the direction we were walking.”

  “What do you mean go to another one? It’s right here. I’m going to go in here and use the bathroom. I’ll catch up with you later.”

  “No!” Toni stood in the doorway, trying to block Sanaa from getting through.

  But Sanaa moved her girlfriend out of the way, and she was frozen in her tracks when she saw the girls Toni was just talking to with permanent markers. They’d already written “Sanaa” on a stall door, and she didn’t want to think what was coming next. Sanaa was speechless.

  One of the girls, Gina, smirked. “Don’t be mad. We’re just putting the truth in writing. If you’re a trick, you’re a trick.”

  Sanaa rushed over, knocked the pen out of Gina’s hand, and gave her a hard punch.

  Sanaa was in the principal’s office before she calmed down. And a few minutes later she’d shuffled down to the counselor to discuss her “issues.” Her arms were folded, her eyes were red, and her legs were crossed. She completely looked like she did not want to talk, much less open up about her personal problems.

  Ms. Davis had a warm smile on her face, but she finally got real and said, “You’re not going anywhere until we have a frank discussion about what’s going on. I’ve seen the unfortunate swoop list. I’m fully aware your name was at the top of the list. You’ve had a rough week, and that has got to have you feeling some type of way.”

  Sanaa realized Ms. Davis was not going to quit until she talked.

  “Yeah, and it’s crazy because I got this letter that’s apparently from a former swoop girl who says she’s dead, but wants to help me.”

  “Really,” Ms. Davis responded, leaning in to hear more.

  “Yes, it is eerie to think of a dead girl wanting to look out for me so I don’t end up like her. But this whole list isn’t fair. I’ve only been with one guy. And that he’d betray me like this and put my name on the list is hard to believe.”

  “So you think he told?”

  “I don’t know. I thought he loved me. That’s why we took it to a whole other level. But I should have known he was like all the other jerks.”

  “Have you broken up with him?”

  “No, because I guess deep down I don’t think he sold me out. They’re painting me to be some freak. I used to think about sex all the time, but that wasn’t my fault. And if he would have just not shown me those pictures when I was little,” Sanaa said with anger in her voice, like she wanted to take the face of her abuser, put it on
a dartboard, and throw darts at it.

  Ms. Davis sat down next to Sanaa. “You can talk to me. What’s spoken in here stays in here. It sounds like you’ve got some past hurt.”

  With her head down and feeling ashamed, Sanaa uttered, “Yeah, my parents and I would be over at my cousin’s house. They’d be upstairs playing spades, and my cousin and I would be downstairs. When I was in the second, third, and fourth grades, I would go over his house, and my cousin who was in college would show me all this porn. I just started thinking about sex too soon. So when I finally got a boyfriend who wanted me, I wanted him. If I’m a freak, if I’m a slut, if I’m a swoop list girl ... it’s not my fault.”

  Though Sanaa had tears dropping from her face, she was angry and completely upset about her past. Something about letting out the past hurt and talking to Ms. Davis was helping her heal. Releasing the tough emotion felt good.

  Sanaa gave Ms. Davis a big hug. Then she stepped out of the counseling office and back into the crazy world of high school. Just as she rounded the corner, two guys from a known gang got in her way.

  “Swoop list girl number one,” Ice said to her. “Oh, that booty is tight.”

  She’d just gotten out of the office, dodged the bullet of getting in trouble for fighting a girl, and now she was ready to take on two guys who felt like she owed them something. Not today. If she got suspended, so be it. She wasn’t going to be touched by chumps.

  “Get your hands off of me!”

  “Naw, I want my hands all over you!” Ice said.

  Sanaa knew those guys didn’t care about school. They had nothing to lose. Even if they took her right there in school, they wouldn’t care, but she cared. Ice barely had a grip on her, and he was laughing at his own lame joke, so she kneed him in the crotch. He fell to his knees, and she took off. She ran—straight into Miles, and he was looking at her like he had seen the whole thing. But he hadn’t done anything.

  “Why didn’t you help me?” she asked.

  When he shrugged, she tugged away from him. Miles had showed he was a punk. Sanaa ran away, pissed.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Vented (Willow’s Middle)

  Willow’s life had turned upside down, and she needed help turning it right side up. The last couple of days she’d thought heavily about who could have put her name on the swoop list. But honestly, she’d probably been with more than ten guys in less than ten months, and that was being modest. She remembered that when she was a freshman and started her period unexpectedly, the guidance counselor Ms. Davis helped her out immensely. Though she hadn’t been back to the divulge intimate details of her life, she knew it was high time for a counseling session, so she got her physics teacher, Miss Sherman, to write her a pass to do just that. As Willow rounded the corner, she bumped hard into someone.

  “You need to watch it!” Willow screamed.

  “I’m so sorry,” a girl threw her hands up and said.

  “Wait, you’re Sanaa Mathis, right?” Willow asked.

  “Yeah, and ... so what?” Sanaa replied, still upset from bumping into the gang guys.

  “We don’t hang, but now we’ve got something in common. I don’t know if you know me, but I’m Willow Dean. I’m number two on the stupid swoop list. Actually headed to the counselor because my week has been a disaster. Are you okay?” Willow asked, seeing that Sanaa looked shaken.

  “It’s just a lot. I certainly get it being a disastrous week, that’s for sure. But I just left Ms. Davis. You should talk to her. She was cool.”

  “Yeah, thanks. We’ve got to keep our heads up,” Willow said, wanting Sanaa to toughen up. “When people try to pull you down, you best believe you conquer them by keeping your head up and not letting them get to you.”

  Sanaa smiled. Each went her own way. Willow knew most of the girls in the school with a fast reputation before the swoop list ever came out, and Sanaa wasn’t in that crowd.

  Before Willow could get too far away, Sanaa yelled out, “Willow!” Willow turned around.

  “Don’t go that way. Some thugs are over there.”

  “Who?”

  “Some fools in the gang Black Oil.”

  “Ice?” Willow asked.

  “Yep.”

  “Alright, thanks. You’re right. Trouble follows them. I will go the long way. I appreciate that, Sanaa.”

  “No problem. You said we’ve got to look out for each other.”

  “Yeah.”

  They exchanged numbers. Willow walked on and thought maybe she needed new friends. Sanaa might be the right type.

  “Ms. Davis, you got a second?” Willow said as she tapped on the door.

  “Yeah, come on in. I’ve been thinking about you.”

  “What? Since you’ve seen my name plastered all on some dumb list? Idiots. I wish whoever put my name out there would have come to my face and said whatever they had to say.”

  “Alright, calm down. Willow, where did all this start for you?”

  “At choir rehearsal. I had to be at church all the time. And when our parents were in Bible study, we’d be playing hide-and-seek. And some of the places we hid were mighty tight quarters—bodies touching up against each other—and people just started exploring. My body started developing at the same time. The older guys started liking me, and they started showing me more stuff. The more I learned, the more I wanted it. When I’m with a guy, it just goes far real quick. I don’t see him standing in front of me with all his clothes. It’s like I imagine him with no clothes on, and I wonder if he’s better than this one or that one. I don’t know. I just left science class. I guess it’s like a science experiment for me. I was fine in my own space. I wasn’t trying to pass myself off as a virgin or anything like that, but I ain’t need the whole world to know my business. It’s like folks are looking at me like I’m dirty or something.”

  “You’re not dirty. And you don’t deserve to be on this crazy list. No one does. But you also have to know you’re living a dangerous lifestyle ... possible pregnancy risks, venereal diseases, and emotional scars. You are worth way more than what you’re giving yourself credit for.”

  “I used to just have to have it. But, I mean, now that all this has come out ... ”

  Willow couldn’t finish her thoughts. She just dropped her head, utterly embarrassed. Ms. Davis placed a hand on her shoulder, then lifted her chin up.

  “It’s your body, so you have to decide what is right for you. Still, you need to remember to be safe with everything you’re doing. And, you need to respect yourself enough to choose to be with guys who respect you, too.”

  Willow nodded her head in understanding. She sighed. Inwardly, she couldn’t deny the swoop list had awakened her. Maybe jumping from guy to guy was causing her to miss out on having a real, meaningful relationship?

  When Willow got home, both of her parents were sitting on the couch with their arms crossed. Her dad was usually on the road with his truck, but today he was home. Her mom was usually headed to church to tend to her flock, but she was home waiting on Willow too. Willow knew she was in trouble.

  “Wassup now?” Willow said.

  “We went on your Facebook page today,” her father said.

  “What do you mean you went on my page?”

  Her mother said, “Girl, you better get some sense, trying to talk all smart like you own something. We bought the computer, we can go on it.”

  “But my password ... ”

  “It’s not that hard to figure out,” her younger brother, William, said from around the corner.

  “Oh, I’m going to get you. Urgh!” Willow promised.

  “Calm down, girl, you had to give us those passwords,” her mother reminded her.

  “But that’s not even the issue,” her dad began. “What’re all these boys talking on social media stuff about how they’ve been with you? Me and your momma live our lives in such a way that we are a good example. We did not raise you to be fast and ... ”

  “Okay, Dad, okay! Please quit acting
like you and Mom are perfect. I’ve seen you watching X-rated movies when Mom is sleep. Mom, I’ve seen your diary and read where you talked about your toy you can’t live without,” Willow said, holding nothing back. She wasn’t going to be crucified by her parents, who weren’t as pure and innocent as they wanted her to believe. Their bubbles were burst.

  “I admit I’ve got some stuff to think about, but cut the hypocrisy,” Willow vented.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Crazed (Olive’s Middle)

  Finally it was Friday, and Olive was ecstatic about that. She’d had such a hard week. Her foster brothers had been protecting her. She hadn’t had any run-ins with Tiger. She still was beating up on herself for thinking that she loved Tiger and actually thinking that he loved her. He didn’t. Problem now was word was out that he wanted to destroy what she called her family.

  “Okay you two, promise me there’s not going to be any fighting. He’s not even worth it,” Olive said to Charles and Shawn as they got off the bus.

  “Please, he’s calling us punks all around the school,” Charles said. “I’m not having it, Olive. I’m just not. It is one thing to break up with my foster sis, but to tell the world you let your boys run a train on her and ... ”

  Not able to hear any more, Olive turned away. Though it was the truth, she didn’t want to listen. Charles sensed her embarrassment, and he stroked her back as they went into school.

  Tiger and his Black Oil boys walked into school and strolled right up to her two foster brothers. Since Charles looked like he was not backing away, the two of them eyed each other down. A crowd formed.

  Charles said, “Negro, you must not know who you’re messing with. I don’t play, telling people you’re going to get me.”

  “Whatever, I’ll see you after school. You taking up for her like you want to get with her,” Tiger said as he popped Charles in the chest.