One of Them Girls

by Cala Riley

  She pinches her lips together. “What if they changed? What if they came and visited you?”

  I shrug. “I used to hope that something would bring them home. My graduation, my eighteenth birthday, but they never show. There’s always a reason. Before, I would at least talk to my dad, but now that I went against his wishes and came here, he doesn’t even talk to me. The only reason I still get my monthly stipend is because of my grandfather. I only met him twice, but he set up a trust fund for me. As long as I’m in college, I can draw from it up until I either graduate or turn twenty-five. If they showed up now, I would want to think they were here for me, but in the back of my mind, I’d be questioning their agenda. It’s too late for us, but not for your family. I can feel the love here.”

  She moves toward me, pulling me into a hug. “I’m sorry, Avi. I’m sorry you went through that and you feel that way. You don’t need them though. I’ll be your family.”

  Leaning down, I press a kiss to her lips. “Thanks, Adra.”

  The house feels different in the morning. The heaviness from before seems to have evaporated.

  I was shocked when I walked into the kitchen to find Cassi and her mother dancing around the kitchen while cooking.

  They shooed me out, handing me two glasses of sweet tea for the road.

  That’s how I found myself sitting on the couch in the living room, watching football with Jerry.

  “Have you ever played football?” he asks.

  “No, sir. Not really my thing.”

  “I see. What is your thing?”

  I shrug. “I’m going to school to become a teacher. I enjoy playing video games. I like to read.”

  He nods, never looking my way. “That’s good. What did you do to my daughter?”

  I sit shocked. “What do you mean?”

  Then he turns, smiling at me. “She’s not who she was three months ago. She smiles now. She doesn’t seem so lost.”

  I let out the breath I was holding. “I didn’t do that. That’s all your daughter. She’s a strong woman.”

  “Agreed, but she didn’t seem to know that strength until she met you. We haven’t talked to her much, but Jared and Rebecca still talk to us.”

  I attempt to hide my distaste when he says Jared’s name.

  “Ah, I see you’ve met Jared.” Jerry chuckles. “He’s mostly harmless though. He was Ryan’s best friend.”

  The sadness in his tone stops me from snorting at him, calling Jared harmless.

  If only you knew. I think to myself.

  “He hasn’t bothered us in a while.”

  “That’s probably because he can see what I see.”

  “What’s that?”

  He smiles. “My daughter is infatuated with you. His complaints would fall on deaf ears.”

  “I see. Do you have any complaints, sir?” I’m nervous for his answer, but I need to know.

  He thinks about it a moment. “I don’t think I’ll like any guy my daughter brings home, but you aren’t so bad.”

  “Thank you for that. I think.”

  Then he yells at the TV, ending our conversation, but I didn’t care.

  I had her father’s blessing and while I didn’t need it, it sure made everything that much sweeter.

  14

  Cassi

  “Hey, Cass.”

  Walking out of class, the last person I thought I would see waiting for me is Jared. After the last time I went into the frat house and caught him fucking Mara, he’s left me alone. I figured that was the end of it, but seeing him now, I know it’s not.

  “Get away from me, Jared.”

  I turn walking away, but he catches up to me.

  “Wait. Please, Cass. Hear me out.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t need to hear your excuses. I don’t care that you slept with Mara, but I do care that it was apparently a setup.”

  “Please.” He grabs my arm, pulling me to a stop.

  Sighing, I gesture toward a bench, taking a seat next to him.

  “I was going to come over on Thanksgiving, but I saw Xavier’s car there and figured I wouldn’t have been welcome.”

  I roll my eyes. “If you were going to cause drama, then you’re right. If you were going to come say hi, then you would have been fine.”

  He shrugs. “I think your boyfriend would have felt differently.”

  “Is that what you wanted to talk about? My boyfriend? If so, this conversation is over.”

  “No. No. Fuck.” He rubs his hand down his face. “I need to apologize for so much. I don’t even know where to start.”

  “How about at the beginning?” I suggest.

  He nods, reaching out to grab my hand. “I am truly and honestly sorry for everything I have ever done to you. You have to believe me. I didn’t plan that shit, but I can’t say I didn’t feel vindicated when I saw the horror on your face. I was high out of my mind. I wasn’t thinking clearly, which isn’t an excuse, but it’s true. I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Seriously? You texted me.”

  He shakes his head. “Mara texted you. I didn’t know until after you left. She admitted that while I was getting high, she had taken my phone and texted you. Then she seduced me. I knew she always had a crush, but I had always said no out of respect for you. You were my friend. My best friend’s little sister. I didn’t want to hurt you. Seems I did anyway.”

  “So Mara set it up?”

  He nods. “Not that it matters. I remember smiling at you. I remember you being hurt. I did that, not her. I also made the first mistake.”

  When I give him a look of confusion, he continues, “The night in the car after the funeral. You were crying so hard. I could feel your heart breaking right along with mine. I didn’t know what to do. When I hugged you to me and you clung to me, I liked how it felt. You made me feel something. So then I took your lips, and you didn’t stop me. We know how that turned out, but had I kept my distance from the start, we wouldn’t have done it.”

  “You can’t blame yourself, Jared. It takes two. It’s as much my fault as it’s yours.”

  “Yeah, but Ryan would still kill me if he were here. He would beat the fuck out of me for even considering it.”

  I chuckle. “He wouldn’t be too happy with me either. He’d tell daddy and get me grounded for life.”

  He laughs along with me before sobering.

  “I really am sorry, Cass. I wish I could take back all the pain I’ve caused you. Know that I mean that from my heart.”

  “What changed?”

  “I think it was seeing your face that last day that did it for me. It knocked some sense into me. After I kicked Mara to the curb, I ran into your friend Jack. He looked ready to kick my ass, but then I kind of just broke down. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but he sat with me. After a while, he told me I needed to get my shit together and that if I hurt you again, he would kick my ass into next year. He reminded me so much of Ryan. So the next day, I went home for a couple days and talked to my parents. Now I’m in therapy twice a week, working through some shit.”

  “That’s great, Jared. I’m proud of you.”

  “Thanks. Anyway, I wanted to make amends. Please say you’ll consider forgiving me.”

  I pull him in for a hug. “You’re already forgiven, silly. Your family.”

  He grips me tight, both of us soaking up that familiar comfort.

  “What the fuck?”

  The voice causes my heart to stop.

  Xavier.

  I pull back quickly.

  “Avi,” I breathe out.

  His nose is flaring while his fists clench and unclench.

  “I’m going to go. Thanks for hearing me out,” Jared whispers, slipping from the bench.

  Xavier’s eyes never leave him as he strides away.

  “It’s not what it looks like.”

  He shakes his head, his eyes meeting mine.

  Pain.

  I see the pain behind them.

  He turns, taking off
the way he came. I’m hot on his trail.

  “Stop. Damn it, Xavier, stop walking away from me.”

  He doesn’t stop until we’re standing next to his car. He turns, leaning against it, waiting for me to catch up.

  “You’re overreacting. That wasn’t what it looked like.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “So you didn’t just sit in there, holding hands with another man? One that you have a history with? Or hug him?”

  “How long were you standing there watching?” My anger building at the lack of trust.

  “Long enough.”

  “We were hashing shit out. It wasn’t romantic.”

  He scoffs, “I might have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night, Cassi. I saw how you were looking at each other.”

  “What? How were we looking at each other? With the weight of the grief that we have been holding on to?”

  “Lie to yourself all you want. I’m not doing this again. I’m done.” He turns to open the driver’s door.

  I’m furious. This man is so lost in his own world that he can’t even see what it’s doing to mine.

  “You keep putting this all on me. You’re so sure that there is more going on between me and him, but you don’t see your own hypocrisy. The way you look at Tinsley. The way you smile when she texts or calls. You’re still in love with Tinsley. You never truly got over her.” The words fly from my mouth before I can stop them.

  He slowly turns to face me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Tinsley’s my best friend. There is nothing else there other than the love of a friend. Stop deflecting.”

  I let out a humorless laugh. “At least I can be honest with myself. Jared was a coping mechanism. It was never about being in love. It was about the comfort we could offer each other. The desire to hold on to the memories of someone we both loved so much that we lost way too soon. A way to handle a grief so overwhelming I thought it would suffocate me. I won’t lie to you, Xavier. I made a mistake in taking that route, but I can move on from my past. You need to grow the fuck up. If you’re looking for someone with no baggage. A perfect little princess who has never liked another boy before. Then you’re delusional. You won’t find her. You’ll just end up alone with a list of what-ifs.”

  When he doesn’t speak, choosing to remain quiet, I shake my head.

  “Figure your shit out, Xavier.”

  Turning, I leave him standing there along with my heart.

  15

  Cassi

  “Mama?” I call out as soon as I make it through the door.

  “Cass, is that you? What are you doing home?”

  As soon as I go around the corner and see my mom standing at the kitchen counter wiping her hand on a towel, the tears stream down my face.

  “Mama,” I cry out, going to her.

  She immediately takes me into her arms. “Oh, honey. What’s wrong?”

  I let myself feel the pain I have been holding off since I left Xavier, feeling my heart crack in my chest. I don’t say anything, but Mom doesn’t care. She just holds me, rubbing my back while whispering reassurances in my ear.

  Once I calm down enough that I can speak without sobbing, I blurt out, “Xavier and I broke up, I think.”

  “You think?” she asks quietly.

  “Gosh, it’s such a mess, Mama.”

  She wipes a tear from my face. “Let me get us some sweet tea and we can sit on the porch while you tell me all about it.”

  She does as she said, handing me a glass, before leading me to the porch swing. The same porch swing Xavier and I sat on, revealing our secrets to each other not too long ago.

  My heart stutters at the memory before I push it away.

  Once seated, Mama swings us, letting the silence envelop us while I process my thoughts.

  “I feel like I’m dying,” I finally say.

  “Broken hearts are no fun, but I promise you you’re not dying.”

  I give her a weak smile. “If death is worse than this, then I think I should be more scared of it than I am.”

  She thinks for a moment, before speaking again. “Death isn’t hard on the person who dies. They feel nothing once their heart stops beating. Death is the hardest on those who are left behind. The ones who are destined to relive their deaths and lives over and over, missing them with no chance of getting them back.” Her voice cracks and I know she’s thinking about Ryan.

  Fresh tears fill my eyes as I also think of him. “I miss him.”

  “I do too, but that’s our burden to carry. He’s living his best life with the Lord now. Watching over us as the guardian angel he was always meant to be. While we miss him, we also have to be grateful that his pain and suffering is over. He’s in a better place and we will see him again.”

  “I hope you’re right, Mama, because I could really use my best friend right now. I hope he’s sitting right here next to us, helping me through this.”

  “Always. He’s always with us. I can feel it in my bones.” She wraps her arm around me, pulling me to her side.

  I rest my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes to feel him too.

  “Tell me what happened,” she whispers.

  “We were doomed from the start. Between the two of us, we have baggage that can fill a jet airliner and then some. I thought we were getting past it, but it keeps rearing its ugly head. I don’t think there’s any moving past it for us.”

  “Everyone has baggage. There will always be a past there that you can’t change. It’s not about your past, but how you move on from it. Do you process it and move on or are you stuck living with your demons? I won’t lie, baby girl. I was worried about you for a long time. You spent a long time living with your demons, growing comfortable with them. I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to move on from Ryan’s death, but I’ve seen a change in you. Xavier brought you out of that darkness. I know it hurts right now. I’m not saying that you won’t scar, but for that alone, I will always be grateful to him. He gave me my Cassi back.”

  I’m full-on sobbing again, hearing the pain in her voice as she talks about how I was.

  “I had no idea you felt that way,” I choke out.

  “Of course you didn’t. It’s not like I could tell you. You were so lost in the grief that anything I might have said would have pushed you further away. You were unreachable. All I could do was pray for a miracle. Pray to God that I didn’t lose both of my children at once.”

  Her own voice cracks before we are both hugging and sobbing into each other.

  Once we both calm down, I confide in her, “I didn’t want to burden you. I felt like I was drowning while watching you and Dad drown too. I couldn’t bear losing either of you, so I turned to Jared. He was Ryan’s best friend. We leaned on each other for comfort, but I think we started a cycle that was unhealthy. It wasn’t until I met Xavier that I really saw it. I would have kept falling into it had he not helped me find a new way. I feel guilty though. Jared is still stuck in it and now he’s all alone. I’ve abandoned him. I feel ashamed that I was laughing and having a good time when Ryan can’t be here. When Jared is still grieving.”

  “I know it’s hard to move on. Those feelings are all completely normal, but you have to remember that you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. You can only control your own destiny. Jared being stuck in his grief is not your responsibility. He can’t use you as a crutch to continue to live in it. He needs to find a way out, whether it be from professional help, his faith, or his family. It’s not fair of him to latch on to you when you are finally getting your head above water.”

  I know she’s right, but it’s hard. It’s hard to see the sadness on his face every time I pass him at school. Or see him get shitfaced at a party to cope with his feelings.

  “You’re right. I know you are,” I whisper.

  “Darn straight, I’m right. As for me and your dad, I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t come to us. We will always be here for you. We were grieving too, but that’s no excuse. We should
’ve tried harder to make you feel like we were there for you. For that, I’m eternally sorry.”

  “Hey, if I need to cut myself some slack then you do too.”

  She chuckles. “Fair point.”

  We sit in for a while, watching as the sun sets. It’s nice to be here with her, just enjoying the silence.

  We both turn as we hear Dad’s truck coming up the driveway.

  “I guess I should get up and make supper.” Mama smiles at me.

  “I’ll help,” I say, standing before helping her up. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

  Heading inside, I hurry into the bathroom, smiling as I hear Dad greet Mama.

  “Hello, beautiful. How is it that every time I see you it’s like you get even prettier?”

  I hear Mama laugh as I close myself in the bathroom.

  I want a love like theirs. Forty-five years of marriage and they still love each other.

  I clean my face before staring at myself in the mirror. I look better, but I can see still the emptiness in my eyes. For once, it’s not because of Ryan though.

  No, it’s because of this pain in my chest. I rub it as I take a deep breath.

  My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I decide I don’t want to answer it. I want to be here with my family and forget the rest of it for a while. Pulling it out, I don’t look at it as I press the power button until it turns off.

  Coming into the kitchen, Dad pulls me into a hug. “Baby girl, what are you doing here? Not that I’m complaining, but isn’t it a school night?”

  I laugh as I squeeze him a little harder, soaking up the comfort. There is nothing better than a hug from your parents when you’re upset.

  “It was a hard day. I needed to see my family.”

  He pulls me back, looking into my eyes. “Who do I need to take to the woods? I’ll do it. Just say the name.”

  I chuckle. “No one, Daddy. It was a bad day, that’s all. I love you millions for being willing to commit murder for me though.”