Playing It Out Straight

by Andrew McQuinn

  “I like the smell of your cologne,” he said, relaxing his shoulders again.

  “Thanks.”

  I was hoping you would, I finished in my head.

  He remained still as the wind died down. I quickly looked away again and counted to ten. Once I reached ten, I was going to come out. One, two, three. You can do it. Four, five, six, I started to look back toward him. Focus on counting Kyle! I looked into his eyes and felt a tingle I always got in the pit of my stomach as though it were a beehive. Buzzing excitedly over the nectar of their work. I guess that’s why they call it butterflies. What number was I at? Seven, right? Seven, eight, nine… he looked the same as he did nine seconds ago; still, like he was carved out of stone. I felt powerless sitting next to him as he looked over at me. Ten.

  “Mind if I go for a quick swim?” he asked.

  “Not at all,” I said, grateful he was first to speak.

  “Want to join?”

  “I know the waves aren’t very high, but could you teach me to surf?”

  “I’d love too! The waves are higher further down the beach, let me get my board.”

  Excited at the opportunity to teach me something, Scotty ran back to the car and grabbed his surfboard while I threw out the pizza box. Sand crunched underfoot as we walked away. Scotty told me he first learned to surf at the age of ten and fell in love with it instantly. Having grown up in the Los Angeles area most of his life, it was in his blood. He’d grown up in a completely different setting. I told him more about Maine, and what it was like to grow up on Mount Desert Island during the four seasons. Simply put; autumn was beautiful before the frost, spring was mud season, winter was dead, and summer was flourishing. Before long we were halfway to the spot, and then I noticed the rocky cliff.

  Waves crashed violently against the rocks below, leaving behind a spray of white foam. The cliffs reminded me of the rocky coastline on Sand Beach. The top of the cliff reminded me of Beehive Mountain back home, in the way it seemed to round out at the top with what appeared to be; from this angle, a relatively flat summit. I watched the shoreline as we walked on and noticed the higher the waves got, the more intimidating they seemed.

  At the base of the cliffs was a cluster of rocks carved out from the water. From what I could see, they jutted out about fifty feet, but I assumed they went further under the water. Scotty stopped and slammed the tip of his board into the sand, spraying it. We stared at each other for a minute before Scotty offered a reassuring smile, and dug his hand into my head, messing up my hair. I laughed and batted his hand away. We sort of held hands for a moment before—I moved in and kissed him—I mean he went back to hugging his board.

  Fear probably made them bigger, but the waves were about five to eight feet high. They made an almost barrel formation upon cresting. I also noticed we were all alone. This seemed to be a common theme. With all these opportunities alone, you’d think I could let my true feelings be known. You’d think it would be so simple to tell the guy you’re pining over that you’d give anything to kiss him. Or at the very least you’d think I could come out to Scotty. Why can’t I?

  You know why, it’s because you like him.

  “Okay, you skateboard so you have the advantage here.”

  “How so?”

  “You’ve got good balance. Well sorta, you did say you’re a klutz,” Scotty teased.

  He playfully pinched my side. I giggled and tried to fight off his attack. We looked into each other’s eyes and I noticed his dart all around my face before he licked his lips. We wrestled around a little more, before I got him in a head lock, and he called a truce.

  “Damn you’re surprisingly strong. We’re going to start on the beach first,” he said.

  He tossed the board on the ground and laid belly down on the board and demonstrated what I had to do. He bent his knees at a ninety-degree angle and began to paddle in the sand. I got lost at this point and focused on his lean physique. I couldn’t help it. I was no longer denying myself. Something about him drew me in. Despite not being able to take my eyes off him, I knew it wasn’t his body I liked. Though it wasn’t bad to look at, it was his upbeat personality that won me over in the end. Regardless his instructions went unheard.

  I watched his arms and legs as he pushed the board and stood up. ‘Nice ass,’ I wanted to say. Once standing he showed me how to properly balance on the board. He faced me and stood sideways, his feet shoulder length apart, and his knees slightly bent. I watched as he did this and was ready to give it a shot.

  “See it’s that easy,” he said as he jumped off the board and stumbled into me. “Sorry, you give it a shot. You might want to check your pockets, make sure nothing is in them. Even though you aren’t in the water. And take off your shirt, it will just get in the way, trust me.”

  I felt self-conscious as I took my shirt off and threw it to the ground. I checked my pockets and grabbed my phone and wallet, tossing them on shirt. I looked up and caught Scotty checking me out. His eyes quickly darted up and down my body, and a grin spread across his face telling me he was satisfied with what he saw. I stepped forward, lying down on the board, and began to paddle the way Scotty had. Then I attempted to push myself up and onto my feet. I turned to my side and swayed as I tried to keep my balance. I lost my footing and ended up stepping off the board.

  “Easy there,” Scotty said, stepping forward to catch me.

  “Thanks,” I quietly responded.

  “Try again.”

  I laid back down, paddled and then pushed myself up. Again, I was off balance and fell into Scotty’s arms.

  “I told you I was a klutz.”

  “It’s okay, I’m patient.” Scotty stepped forward. “Stand sideways.”

  I turned and faced him. He crouched down. I watched him spread my feet until they were shoulder width apart. He lightly slid his hands up my calves, and I felt goose bumps run down my arms and back. I shivered from his touch. He continued to run his hands up my legs, until he reached my knees. Blood coursed through my body. Including areas to be embarrassed about. My heart began to beat harder. The tugging on the back of my knees caught me off guard. They buckled and I started to fall forward when Scotty caught me.

  “Sorry, I should have warned you.”

  “That’s okay.”

  We looked at each other and I jumped when he placed one hand on my stomach and the other on my back. My heart raced and my brain felt like it had been blended and I tried piecing it back together. His skin still touched mine. My skin felt exponentially more alive. I looked down at his hands. He carefully pulled me back until I was standing straight. The entire time I stared at him like the extroverted introvert I was.

  “What are you doing?

  “Helping you find your center of gravity.”

  “What’s that?” I foolishly asked.

  He eyed me again. “Your center of gravity, Kyle. Where you have optimal balance.”

  “I knew that, I was just testing you,” I teased.

  “M-hm.”

  Scotty eyed me then rolled his eyes. He moved his hands from my stomach to chest. I felt his fingers brush over my nipples. It turned me on instantly. He pulled me back, then let go and stepped away. I could feel him examine me as I tried to keep my balance and not sway. I felt embarrassed again; not only was I on display, but I wondered if he noticed I was starting to get hard? Was I being obvious with my attraction for him?

  “Think you’re ready?” he asked.

  “I guess,” I lied.

  “You’ll be fine; it’s really not hard.” He paused for a minute. “If you want, I can swim out with you.”

  “Okay,” I said stepping off the board.

  Scotty picked up the board, dusted it off and handed it to me. “Here you go,” he said.

  I looked at the board and realized how much taller it was compared to me. I grabbed the board and examined it closer. There were tiny scratches ranging in all sizes along its surface, I ran my fingers over them. It was all smooth, even on the
back. The body of the surfboard was probably once sleek black and stark white, but years of saltwater and dirty feet turned it dingy. Superimposed over the top were random splats of red yellow and orange pattern, appearing bright and vibrant over the white and opposite when over the black.

  A festive array of oranges, reds, and yellows. This also seems to be a common theme.

  “I just waxed her,” Scotty said from behind me.

  “Her?”

  “Yes, it’s a well-known fact surf boards are female,” Scotty sarcastically replied.

  “Says who?” I asked.

  “People.”

  I laughed and continued to stare at the board, before dropping my gaze in Scotty’s direction and like a fish hooked on a line, I was reeled in. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me. The need for a kiss was frustrating. Until it happened, it would be a daydream playing on loop in the back of my adolescent teenage mind. Nevertheless, I had to act on these feelings, or I’d live the rest of my life in silence always wondering what if.

  “Yeah, I don’t have a name yet for her, but something tells me it’s Roxanne.”

  “Does Vipey over there have a gender too?”

  “Oh yeah, all my friends say cars were also always female. Being gay I totally disagree. He’s a tuff-rugged sports guy, named Lance. You know the type who wear their hats backward and are always sporting the tank top with the sides cut clear down to their waist.”

  “Like some jock or frat guy? You like that look?”

  “Not really, good looks and a nice body will only get you so far in life. Beauty comes from within. I just always pictured young hot twenty something trust-fund babies or men going through their midlife crisis drive cars like that. Course I am neither.”

  “You’re such a dork,” I said tickling his waist.

  He giggled and went for my stomach. I backed up, trying to escape his tickles. We reached the shoreline. Water rushed toward us and washed over our feet. We looked out over the ocean and it seemed the waves had gotten bigger since the last time I looked at them.

  “Alright let’s see what you got,” Scotty said.

  I noticed he was already waist deep when I looked at him again; I shook my head and followed. I attempted to run in and slide elegantly on to the board like they did in the movies. I failed miserably. I got caught up in seaweed while running in and tripped before I even had a fighting chance. When I surfaced, I heard water splashing and Scotty was laughing at me. He walked over, hoisted me up, and picked up the surfboard.

  “Nice one!” he said brushing wet sand off my shoulder.

  “Thanks,” I mumbled.

  “What were you trying to do?”

  “Nothing. The movies just make it look so easy.”

  He laughed at me again. “They also get to rehearse it twenty times before shooting the real thing, here let’s ease into it,” Scotty said, handing me the surfboard.

  I felt his hand leave my skin, not sure when or for how long he had been touching my arm and noticed myself being reeled in again. I followed Scotty. Ocean water cooled my feet first, then climbed up my legs until it reached my waist. Though the water was relatively warm, it still caused a shiver when the water met my junk. I swiped back some sweat from my brow and nearly stumbled into Scotty, not realizing he had stopped. His hands met my waist, and he let out the cutest giggle before splashing some water on me.

  I splashed back and suddenly it dawned on me why I was so attracted to Scotty. The revelation made me feel embarrassed, so I turned away and steadied the bobbing surfboard. I felt safe and warm around him and enjoyed his eagerness to teach me new things. He was also funny and clearly tried to make me feel comfortable. Scotty already took care of me the way a lover would, and we were just friends. Maybe I’m the guy he’s interested in. Scotty’s voice brought me back to the surface.

  “Okay turn around.”

  “Why?”

  He chuckled. “Just do it.”

  I turned and faced Scotty.

  He stepped toward me and put one hand on the surfboard and steadied it, then wrapped the opposite arm around me and pulled me close. Instincts told me to rub his back, it felt like the right thing to do, so in my mind I did. Scotty looked breath-taking in the afternoon sunlight, it softened his features and for a moment made me forget he was an actor I was probably never meant to meet. Yet ironically, we met during an audition for the movie based on my father’s book.

  Alanis Morrissette would be proud.

  I loved the way he squinted from the sunlight, and suddenly I never wanted him more. I’d never been surer of it. I started to move my arms around to hug him and just as I was about to make my move, he quickly lifted me onto the board.

  He steadied the board. Water gently rocked me side to side. As though I were on a sailboat, and Scotty were my mooring. He looked up at me and stepped between my legs. I was brought back to the night with Kip when we almost kissed. The thought of committing the same act with Scotty made me positively queasy. I fought to not lean down and kiss him, which was probably for the best cause I’m sure the board would have just flipped me into the water.

  Speaking of the board, it swayed up and down underneath me. Scotty moved his hands closer, almost wrapping them around my back. I felt his hands rest against my hips, and it sent chills up and down my spine. His thumbs met the skin above my waistband, gently rubbing me. Okay he’s hitting on me, isn’t he? I wouldn’t know and it’s not like I was going stop him, perhaps I’m sending him mixed signals too. Naturally, as I reached down to touch his hands, he pulled them away and cleared his throat.

  What are you thinking Scotty?

  “Turn around and straddle the board,” he said taking a step back to give me room. I did as he told me and turned toward the approaching waves. “Okay lie down and start paddling, we have to get ahead of the waves first.”

  “Okay.”

  With a lot of effort, I managed to clear the wave and drift toward Scotty, out of breath. Damn surfing is no joke, I thought as I regained the will to breathe. Scotty propped his arms on the board and rested his chin a mere few inches from my face. Orange light from the sun warmed his face. His eyes were closed, perhaps now was as good a time as any.

  Is there ever a right time?

  I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t any longer. I wanted to brush that strand of hair away from his cheek, lean in and kiss him. It was like a movie scene, the stars had aligned, and every molecule of my being said go for it. As I once again was about to make my move, he pushed off and excitedly pointed to the approaching waves.

  “So to catch a wave you want to start paddling as a wave approaches, once the wave is on the tail, set yourself up to stand. Ready?” Scotty suddenly asked.

  “Yeah.”

  He turned the surfboard around, so I faced the shore and gave me an unexpected push.

  Wait a minute, how do you steer this thing?

  I started paddling and saw the head of a wave approach from behind, it rocked the surfboard as it ran under me, so I stopped to wait for the next wave. Soon the wave crested and crashed to shore. I heard Scotty call my name. I looked over my shoulder and saw another wave building behind me, dragging me back toward it. Seizing the opportunity, I began to paddle again as fast as I could. The surfboard rocked a bit as the head of the wave hit the tail. I stopped paddling and pushed myself up.

  I stood and saw water curve up behind the board, ahead the shore was approaching fast and that’s when I noticed rocks jutting out of the water next to me. I didn’t know what to do, Scotty had neglected to tell me how to steer the thing. I adjusted my footing and lasted about two seconds before falling backward. I closed my eyes and covered my head with my arms. The first blow narrowly missed my head, instead hitting my shoulder as the wave crashed over me, twisting and turning me in all different directions.

  I quickly surfaced.

  I had just enough time to breathe in before another wave crashed over me. My feet slammed into the rocks below. I opened my eyes and in
the sea of white bubbles I saw a seaweed covered rock slam into my chest. Wind was knocked out of me, and salty water filled my mouth in the process. Adrenalin had me swimming toward the surface, but for some reason my right foot wouldn’t move. I felt around and discovered my foot was somehow stuck between some rocks. Before I could get free, I was dragged out for a third time. I panicked, realizing the rocks were holding me down from the surface. Away from fresh air. I couldn’t see a damn thing aside from hundreds of tiny foam bubbles, sand, and what I assumed was algae. I reached down and felt around for the rock and started tugging. My lungs began to burn the more I fought.

  I got pulled sharply out once more and slammed into another foreign object. The flash of red and orange told me it was the surfboard. The force pushed me back and I felt my foot release from the rocks. I tried to swim but it was pointless, I wasn’t going anywhere. Another wave slammed me back into a sharp object, the board’s fins I presumed. The impact caused me to breathe in. Water filled my mouth and ran down my throat. My lungs cooled, and the taste of sea salt made me choke more down. I wanted to cough, heck I wanted to breathe. Soon the burning returned.

  More water went down my throat as I breathed in. It felt like my lungs were going to explode if I didn’t get air sometime soon. The same foreign object slammed sharply into the back of my head and between my shoulder blades. It must’ve hit a pressure point because I relaxed instantly. I became a rag doll stuck in the current. I started to see specks of color drifting freely around me. I relaxed further, closed my eyes and let more water run down my throat.

  Colors consumed my vision, and the darkness was slowly disappearing.

  It calmed me in ways I probably only experienced in the womb.

  My head started to feel fuzzy, but the adrenaline coursing through my body left me feeling euphoric.

  My lungs no longer burned.

  This is it. I was drowning.

  I began to wonder why they said your life flashed before your eyes just before you died. I wasn’t seeing the distant memories of my life, instead the reoccurring thought of Scotty ran through my head like a reel of film stuck on repeat playing my most recent memory. I saw Scotty resting his head against the surfboard. I saw me leaning in to kiss him, and him bobbing up and down as I drifted away. I was starting to regret not making a move, not telling him how I felt. Then my memory went to a cool, dark place as the fear of my father finding out about my feelings for Scotty sank in and held me under water like an anchor.