“I couldn’t begin to tell you. So far, you’re one of the only friends I’ve made. Who knows how long it’ll last with your schedule?” I tried not to sound defeated.
“I’d like to think it’ll be a while. I quite enjoy your company, Kyle,” Scotty admitted.
“Thanks, you’re good company too.”
Once again I had to fight the instincts which had gotten me this far in life, and not reach out to touch him.
“So, you’ll be nineteen when you graduate?” Scotty asked.
“Yeah, based on our birthdays we started Kindergarten at six. Then my brother and I repeated the fourth grade. For some reason I developed a little slower than my brother and other kids our age. I was diagnosed with ADD, and my brother I think is dyslexic, because for the longest time he couldn’t distinguish certain letters and numbers, still has issues with it. Anyway, my parents decided if I was staying back a grade, so was he. Then in the sixth grade we started to excel in our classes, at that point it was clear we were ahead of our class.”
“My brother used to…” Scotty stopped mid thought and decided to change the subject. “Hey, come here I want to show you how to properly slice the fish.”
“Is this like any old tuna, or do you have to buy it especially for sushi?” I asked.
I decided not to ask him about his brother, for whatever reason it was a hot button issue. Instead I joined him at the counter where he went over some fish basics, explaining how to slice it at the right thickness so it wasn’t overpowering. While we sliced the tuna, he taught me some tips on how to scale and gut a fish, something he said he learned from his father after all those years of camping.
“Do you like spicy food?” he asked turning to the cupboard.
“Sure.”
He returned with some curry and cayenne pepper, lightly dusting the tuna with it.
“I’m improvising here. I usually have a certain season mix for spicy tuna, and let me tell you it doesn’t involve curry, but I ran out of the stuff and just love the subtle taste of curry.”
“Did you know curry is an aphrodisiac?” I asked.
Scotty raised his eyebrow as I said this. He said, “I did. For guy’s I believe.” He added more curry as he said this. “They also say oysters are an aphrodisiac too, but you’d have to eat like a hundred of them to have any effect,” he finished.
I wouldn’t need those things with you.
He closed the curry and dusted a little cayenne pepper before putting them away and began to cut the vegetables. I leaned against the counter and watched him slice matchstick sized pieces of carrots and cucumbers while I sliced up the avocado. Scotty divided up the ingredients and lined them up in front of us and set a bamboo roller in front of me.
“You ready?” Scotty asked.
“Sure. What about the sweet potato?”
“Oh right!” Scotty said, retrieving the sweet potato sticks. “Okay now we’re ready. Start with some rice, add a thin layer about a quarter of an inch, then lay a seaweed wrap down on top.”
I watched what he did and followed his instructions.
“Good. Okay now pick a fish, and any vegetables you want.”
I nodded and got to work. “I don’t think you ever told elaborated more on how you got into movies?” I asked.
“Short answer, parents.”
“And the long answer?”
“There was an audition downtown to be in a toothpaste commercial. I had one line: ‘Freshness you can taste!’ It was their slogan. I made a few hundred bucks off it I think and was offered a few other commercials. Soon after everything snowballed. They made me try out for school plays and audition for everything I could. For a while, my parents went a little pageant mom on me. They pulled me from classes, and I was home schooled. I went to more professional auditions and in a sense kind of lost my childhood. It was my decision to go back to school once I hit high school. By then they realized it was time I called the shots for a change.”
“Oh wow, that’s completely opposite of my childhood. Is this even what you wanted to do?”
“Eh, that’s up for debate. I love theatre and film, and I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world. When I was a kid, while I was in auditions, I wished I could be outside at the beach or hiking a mountain. Any place but the empty audition room where you waited for your name or number to be called to go in and read lines for a role you might not even get. I loved high school but when I started getting walk on roles that turned into a season long runs, and a few more movie gigs, acting became more exciting. I could always go back to school, but for now I’m seeing where my career takes me.”
I remembered watching a show he did about two years back. It was probably the only thing I ever saw of his until I met him, even two years ago I had the hots for him.
“I think my life would have been drastically different, for a while I was into chemistry so for all I know I could have been going to college to be a chemist.”
“You still could, there are plenty of actors who do things on the side.”
“Yeah, I’ve considered it.”
I looked at the prepared square of rice, fish, and vegetables unsure of what to do next.
“What do I do now?” I asked.
“Now you roll it, like this, watch me.”
He lifted the edge slightly and rolled it over the line of vegetables and fish he’d made. He stopped halfway through and pressed lightly then continued to roll it until it formed a near perfect cylinder. Again, he pressed and packed the roll, I watched him apply force and gently ran his hands out from the center of the roll to the edges.
“Your turn,” he announced, looking at me.
“You make it look so easy,” I said.
I did my best, mimicking his actions. Rice began to break up, falling everywhere. I sighed and grumbled to myself in defeat, Scotty just laughed at me.
“Like this?” I kind of snapped.
“Sorta, here let me help.”
I watched closely as he walked behind me. He wrapped his arms around me and placed his hands-on top of mine. The tug of his hands directed mine and the pressure felt simply divine. His skin was smooth, yet rough at the same time. He took a half step closer to me and I felt his body lightly press into mine. Out of instinct I leaned against him. Just then my stomach felt like an unopened can of soda left out on a hot summer day. Warm and bubbly. Like the first day we met, and he held my hand.
I couldn’t think. I couldn’t speak.
Though my father said it wasn’t right to be with another guy, I wondered how long I’d keep thinking wanting to kiss Scotty was wrong, before it was right. My heart thudded uncontrollably thinking about it and skipped another beat when I felt his breath against the back of my neck. My breath and stomach did somersaults. Nervous sweat built on my brow.
I couldn’t handle it anymore; I had to know what it felt like to kiss a guy. To kiss Scotty.
I turned around and wrapped my arms around him. My hands ran up Scotty’s back and I felt him shiver from my touch. He looked down and smiled. I pulled him close and kissed him. The bubbly sensation turned into a frantic need to escape its confines. Energy entered my lips and exploded throughout my body as the hypothetical can of soda pop was opened. His tongue slipped past my lips. My hand met the base of his back and our bodies pressed against each other. It was everything I imagined and more. This was the most amazing moment of my life.
Then I heard Scotty clear his throat. Snapping me out of my fantasy. He adjusted his footing and leaned against me.
“Got the hang of it?” He breathed into my ear.
“Yeah,” I said.
I watched his hands leave my line of sight, and the pressure of his body lessened.
Attention returned to the sushi. I placed my roll with Scotty’s and started on another. He sliced both, then laid down a seaweed wrap and topped it with rice. I made a line with three strips of spicy tuna then surveyed my vegetable options. I decided to mix avocado and sweet potato grabbing a few slices of avocado li
ning them on top of the tuna. Wiping my hands off on the hand towel between us, we both reached for the sweet potatoes when Scotty’s hand brushed mine. Subconsciously I rubbed my finger against his. I noticed his hand jump before I pulled mine away. I lined the sweet potatoes next to the fish and avocado and quickly rolled it up.
“I’ll be right back,” I mumbled, walking away.
I walked down the hall.
For a moment everything expanded like Alice on her journey in Wonderland.
I felt out of control. Wanting the experience so bad and too afraid to do anything about it. I found myself in the small study near the end of the hall. Inside was a large brown leather reading chair next to a fireplace. Book lined walls stared back at me, as did the palm trees in the corner. I went straight for the chair. Suddenly I was flooded with a slew of emotions and questions. First of which was, What am I doing here? I began to question myself. Again.
I couldn’t take this any longer, what am I supposed to do?
I need to talk to him. Scotty’s gone through this. He can help, can’t he?
Why does everything seem to disappear when I’m around him?
Why is this happening to me?
Is it happening to him?
Am I normal?
Most of all why did I like Scotty, and did he like me?
You almost died today, and you can’t bring yourself to tell him how you feel?
Is that even a serious question? No.
I heard a light tap on the door.
“Are you okay?” Scotty asked from the doorway.
What do I say? I hate the idea of lying to him.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
I saw his shadow approach me.
“The sushi’s ready,” Scotty said calmly. He crouched down and looked into my eyes, placing a hand on my knee. “Do want to talk about it?” he innocently asked.
I sighed, eyeing his hand.
He must not remember what I said the day after the fair. Did he forget his promise or was he just waiting for me to build up the trust and courage to speak to him cordially? Was he just showing me tough love by making me learn to figure out my own problems and seek guidance when necessary? It was obvious we both had feelings for each other, all I had to do was tell him I’m gay and am interested in him. Sounds so easy, right?
It was then, in a moment of relief I spit out a speech meant only for me.
“I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I’m suffocating. What’s worse is everyday I’m lying to myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach. It’s like I’m aimlessly drifting through, unsure of what was around the riverbend. If I don’t figure it out soon, I’ll implode. It’s like I am living a lie, too afraid to come clean, too scared of the unknown. So, I stuff it all down and one day I’ll rip apart at the seams and just patch it up and keep going. It all sucks. Puberty. Hormones. The whole nine yards, and it shouldn’t be this hard. I should be able to like someone even if they happen to be…” I trailed off.
He let me rant. I never actually came out to him. I figured this battle wasn’t over. Tomorrow I would be back to the undeniable truth. I wouldn’t discover what I wanted until I took a leap of faith and found out. Obviously, it was harder to come out to Scotty than anyone else—except my father—because I liked Scotty. I learned then though, the hardest person to ever come out to was oneself.
“I’m sorry, I needed to say how I feel. I know you’re probably confused. None of it makes any sense, not even to me,” I said.
“I understand.”
I think I’m gay. “And it’s the hardest fucking thing to come to terms with,” I half-heartedly said, wiping back some tears.
He gave me a hug lasting a few minutes before he rested his forehead against mine.
“You’ll be okay,” Scotty said.
I peered up at him and tilted my head so our noses could brush against each other.
“I want to kiss you so bad it hurts,” I accidently whispered.
I saw him grin. I licked my lips. The idea of a teary-eyed first kiss didn’t sound attractive. Instead I rested my head into the nook of his neck and breathed deep through my nose. I knew this was just a tease for us, to have my lips touching his neck and not do anything about it. I respected Scotty, he was patient and while I was sure he knew, he didn’t make any uncomfortable moves. He rubbed my back and I lifted my head to look into his eyes.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done. Let’s go eat some sushi.”
We walked down the hall without speaking. The island had been cleared and two black square shaped plates sat next to each other. I noticed a set of chop sticks resting at an angle at the corner of each plate.
“What’s this?” I asked poking at the mysterious white pile and green mound.
“Pickled ginger and wasabi.”
Like I knew what that was.
“Ah.”
“Careful the wasabi’s hot. I usually put some in my soy sauce and mix them together, but you can do whatever. You’re familiar with how to use chops sticks?” he asked.
I nodded and grabbed them. I checked the clock behind Scotty as I reached for a piece of each roll. The microwave blinked ten thirty. I had completely lost track of time and had forgotten to update Emilie and Stephen.
“Wow it’s late,” I said.
“Hm,” he mumbled as he turned. “Oh yeah it is,” Scotty said through a full mouth. “Wanna stay here tonight?”
Do I ever.
“Yeah sure.”
I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. I had two missed calls and a missed text from Emilie.
“Sorry I have to send a few messages.”
“Take your time.”
I’m sorry I didn’t reach out earlier, I was released from the hospital a few hours ago and wasn’t expecting to hang out with Scotty so late. I’m staying at his place for the night W
Instantly she wrote back. WAHOOOO! I expect details later. I laughed and replied Of course, though I’ve got to come out to him and tell him I like him first.
I think scrolled through messages and fond my brother’s. Hey bro, I totally lost track of time. I was released from the hospital with a clean bill of health. before pocketing my phone.
“Sorry, I forgot to update Emilie, she was worried.”
“Glad you put her mind at ease,” Scotty said.
We returned to eating in comfortable silence while new thoughts crossed my mind. Where was I going to sleep? Would he give me the bed while he took the couch? Or would we share his bed, and if we did what would it mean for us? Did it mean I’d have to make a move? Would he expect sex? Nah that’s silly, he doesn’t even know you’re into guys. Relax Kyle. The silence started to hurt my ears; I needed to say something, anything. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I quickly filled the void with a piece of sushi and began chewing.
“Do you like it?”
“Yea it’s—” I searched for the right word. “Interesting.”
He laughed and continued eating. We talked about the movie. He told me some stories of his six months in high school—before he left for a movie—and ended up telling me his story of coming out. It was like what I was going through. After we finished, he washed the dishes while I dried them. I told him about the long move out here, and we discussed more about where I grew up. We both shared a love for the outdoors. He envied me for living in such a beautiful place, while the same was said for where he grew up. When the final dish was dried, and all were put away, he made us each a cup of tea.
“Tell me about your family,” Scotty said.
“Well, my mom is the rock of the family. She’s an at-risk youth counsellor which is a change from what she did back in Maine, but she likes it. Her mom was a baker, so she loves baking old family recipes with us, while my dad does more of the cooking and grilling. I have two sisters. The youngest is Amy, she’s almost nine. I tricked her into reading more this summer by giving her books that have been turned into movies we can watch aft
er.”
“Good idea, what is she reading now?”
“She was reading Charlotte’s Web, but when she finished, she said she wanted a challenge, so I gave her my copy of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.”
“That’s really cute, good for bonding.”
“Yeah I love my sister so it’s nice to have a thing we do together.”
“You said you have two sisters.”
“Yeah, my older sister Jen is currently in nursing school. She’s engaged to her boyfriend Rich. As you know I have a twin brother he’s the athlete and ladies’ man, at least that’s what he thinks. You’ve met my dad. I’ve been meaning to ask, how come you auditioned for my father’s movie?”
“I read the book and fell in love with it. It’s a heart-breaking story and when I first read it, I thought it would make a great picture. Ethan, my agent, said if he heard it was being turned into a movie, I’d be the first to know.”
“Oh.”
“Have you read it yet?”
“Honestly, not all of it.”
“How come?”
“My father and I don’t have the best relationship as you’ve come to know. Over the years I’ve had to listen to him say some homophobic things and he’s always telling me I’m weak or sensitive for being an artist. Lately he’s taken to saying things like ‘don’t want people thinking your gay’ because I’ve never had a girlfriend. It’s hard for me to believe he could write a story where an important character is gay.”
“That’s why it’s so good. The book and movie are different. In the book you only get snippets of the son’s story as its mostly in his father’s perspective. In the movie they paint a picture of the life Ryan and his boyfriend, Matt, are trying to make for themselves. But the character your father wrote is hauntingly beautiful. Like I said it’s a heart-breaking story. I won’t give away the ending, but it made me cry.”
“Wow, I had no idea.”
“Knowing your father now, it does come as a surprise that he wrote it.”
I laughed. “Tell me about it. How about your family?”
“Well as I mentioned my mom is a massage therapist. She is the cook. Not in a nineteen fifties housewife kind of way, but more in a she went to school for culinary arts and after ten years as a chef she left and pursued massage therapy way. I got my cooking skills from my father, he can’t cook to save his life, though he’s gotten better over the years. He’s a woodworker, mostly cabinets but also furniture. Sara, my older sister, is going to school for English. She says she wants to teach but I think she wants to be a writer. Her nose is always in a book. I had an older brother, but he passed away a few years back.”
Playing It Out Straight Page 17