“I don’t, because—” I breathed deep a few times. Say it! “I think I’m gay.”
The words spilled out from my mouth in a whisper. I couldn’t believe I just came out to him. My heart pounded faster than ever as I continued to look into Scotty’s eyes. Without thinking, or realizing it, we were holding hands.
“I don’t think, I know. I’m gay!” I said with an air of confidence.
Scotty hugged me tight.
“I’m proud of you for finally coming out,” Scotty soothed. “Want to talk about it?”
I tried to talk but had become a garbled mess. It wasn’t that I was crying because I wasn’t. But in a way I was. I felt so relieved, like I could breathe for the first time in my life. There was no going back from saying it because it was true. It’s just I couldn’t form a sentence to save my life. I was a mess. I felt so stupid and embarrassed and exposed. I didn’t know coming out would do this to me. We hugged a little longer and then Scotty walked me to my bed so we could sit down.
“Yeah sorry, I don’t really know what to say.”
“No need to apologize, I know how hard it is to come out. It’s not usually on the top of someone’s to do list.” We both laughed.
“This is true,” I said.
“How’d you know?”
“The same way you did, I started noticing guys more than I did girls. The feelings I have for a guy…” I trailed off.
“The feelings you have for a guy you could never have for a girl. When you’re around a guy who you like, you feel comfortable. It’s not a normal comfortable. It’s more. It makes you warm on the inside. Consumes your every thought. Time seems to stop when he’s around and he makes you feel things you’ve never felt before, things you don’t want to live without.”
“Yes!” I breathed. That’s how I feel around you! I wanted to scream out loud.
I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him I liked him. How every time I saw him my heart skipped a beat; butterflies swarmed my stomach. I did think he was into me. Should I tell him? No! what if you miss read the signals, what if he doesn’t like you, that would be so embarrassing.
I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t want to see him right now. This was my classic move. When someone got too close, and life got to scary, I pushed them away. I was about to tell him he should leave, then he spoke again.
“You know, I knew about you.”
I peered over at him and quickly looked away.
“Don’t say that. I don’t want to be obvious.”
“Oh no, you aren’t at all. I just had a feeling. Especially after our conversation last night. I was just waiting for you to admit it. After all it’s not my coming out story, it’s yours,” Scotty said, shifting closer to me.
Embarrassment washed over me. I kept looking at the floor, focusing on the individual grains in the hard wood. I could see the shadow of Scotty’s arms as he reached out to hug me again. To comfort me. To help me. Even though every bone in my body said not to do it, I stood. As predicted the urge to push him away overpowered all other decisions. I knew I was going to regret what I was about to do, yet I did it anyways
“I think it’s time for you to go before I do something, we both regret,” I said in a shaky voice. I opened the door and stood behind it, waiting for him to leave. He stood there for a second looking at me. I wished he would make the first move. I wouldn’t resist.
“Please make the first move.” I mumbled out loud.
“Okay,” Scotty said softly.
I watched him approach and close the door, gently pushing me against it. He pulled me close to him and leaned down. I bit my lower lip with anticipation and as we were about to kiss, I turned away. He grabbed my chin and gently forced me to look at him again.
Just do it! I won’t fight it. I’m just too much of a coward to make the first move.
He leaned against me causing me to stumble back and into the door again. My hand found his cheek and his thumb rubbed my chin and ran down my neck and collar bone. Our foreheads touched and we peered into each other’s eyes. Our breathing stuttered. He leaned in, kissing my cheek before moving to the corner of my mouth. I wanted him so bad.
“I’ve waited this long, I can wait longer,” Scotty said with a wink. “You just came out, no reason to rush. I’ll call you later.” He brushed his nose to mine.
I kissed his cheek in return before saying, “I think I need space to let all this sink in.”
He gently nudged his nose against mine. The sensation drove me wild. I felt the prickle of his five o’clock shadow scratch my smooth cheek and then his lips rested next to my ear. “I understand, I wanted to be alone for a bit after I came out. I’m patient. You’re worth the wait.”
My heart sank with deep affection. Just shut up and kiss me. I wanted to tell him. Your words are so beautiful. Deep down I wondered how much of it was about getting with a virgin verses having actual feelings for me. All I could bring myself to do was peck him on the forehead.
There was a long awkward pause before I said, “I’ll walk you out.”
CHAPTER TWELVE: FALL APART AGAIN
I rarely let people into my life.
I found it hard to truly get to know and trust someone. Growing up, I lived vicariously through not my choices, but the ones my father wanted. Two years ago, I began to alter truths about myself. Over time this lie built up inside of me, caused me to feel unsure about myself. At times it made my entire body fizzy, like a bottle of champagne being corked at the start of a man’s bachelor party. I was overflowing with the need to be me. The real me, not the alter ego I had come to know. The pressure from lying to myself and others was killing me on the inside.
Until the day I met Scotty, and suddenly it became easier to breathe. I was searching for the truth. I was lost. Confused. Then I met him, and things… changed.
My elusive reflection stared back at me, mocking me in the backward world he lived. I wondered if this Kyle were straight. If only we could switch places it would make life easier, at least for my father and me. I wondered if this was part of coming out, to push people away until I was comfortable enough with myself to face the truth. In my case, the truth was telling Scotty I liked him. Now that I was out to Scotty, I felt so vulnerable.
My secret was out there and a part of me still worried my father would find out. The first few days after I came out to Scotty, I told myself I was willing to throw it all away if it meant my father never found out and I went on living a lie. It would be okay I told myself, we wouldn’t be together yes, but the foundation and walls I built around my father and I would remain unfractured, complete. Except for one thing, there was no denying it, I really liked Scotty. When I was around him, I could be me. Not the boy I hid from the world, but the man I was meant to be.
I had avoided everyone the last few days. Stephen tried getting me to hang a few times, I ignored texts from Emilie, even Amy noticed something was up when she said she finished The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and wanted to watch the movie and I told her I wasn’t in the mood. I splashed some water in my face and patted it dry with a hand towel. I still couldn’t believe I had told Scotty to leave. I felt like such a dweeb. Before I let my mind get the better of me, I walked back into my room and called Emilie.
“Hey Kyle, everything okay? You haven’t talked to me for a few days I was starting to worry.”
“I know I’m sorry. A lot has happened the last few days. I came out to Scotty,” I said.
“Well it’s about damn time. Please tell me you also told him you’re into him?”
I didn’t answer.
“Oh Kyle.”
“I feel like a failure.”
“You aren’t a failure. You just came out to your crush that’s huge! Know what happened to me the first time I tried telling a boy I was into him?”
“No, what?”
“We were on the playground, by the swing sets, I think. When I tried to tell him, I liked him I panicked, pushed him down, and ran away.”
“Sorry to laugh. How old were you?”
“Five.” Emilie laughed. “Get ready, I’m on my way.”
“Where are we going?”
“Wherever, I don’t care. Our movie doesn’t start till six.”
“We’re going to the movies?”
“Yup, and you have no say in which one we go to either. That’s what you get for not talking to me for a few days.” I heard the beeping sound that indicated she was getting in her father’s car. “Alright, see you soon.”
I quickly changed and waited on the front stoop for Emilie. I heard her dad’s car before seeing it pull up on the cub. I walked down the driveway and watched Emilie lower the bright red, cat eye sunglasses down the bridge of her nose. Her auburn hair glowing in the midday light.
“Get in loser.”
“Mama said never to get into a stranger’s car.”
“Fine I’ll go without you then,” she said creeping forward.
I laughed and grabbed the handle and got in. “Screw you.”
Emilie revved the engine before driving off.
“Where are we going?” I asked after buckling up.
“We’re going to The Grove darling,” she said in a hoity-toity voice.
“How fancy.”
“That’s what I was thinking. I see you’ve dressed for the occasion.”
I looked down at my ensemble. I’d changed into a stark white button up with thin purple pinstripes. The sleeves were rolled up to my elbows, and I wore a pair of Bermuda shorts and loafers. I looked frumpy compared to the white sun dress with a purple and blue flower embroidery pattern Emilie wore. On her lap sat a Derby hat.
“We’re kind of matching.”
“True.” She reached over and unbuttoned the top two buttons of my shirt. “There you looked too formal all buttoned up. What are we going to do with you?” Emilie asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Tell me all the details, starting with the night you stayed at his place.”
“He taught me to surf.”
“Congrats! You’re officially a Californian.” Emilie laughed, brushing some hair behind her ear.
“Well you remember how that went. When we left the hospital the next day, he invited me over. We watched a movie in his bed, and I woke up snuggled against him. It was glorious.”
Emilie looked over at me and smiled. She turned off the Santa Monica Freeway and onto South Fairfax Ave. I admired Emilie in the afternoon sunlight. The breeze from the open windows blew her hair back. She reminded me a little of Audrey Hepburn, the way she was dressed in a classic movie star way.
“How you two aren’t together yet is beyond me.”
“There’s more.”
“Of course, continue.”
“So, we get back to my place and I invite him up to my room. Something in me said it was time to come out to him. So, I did. Then I did the stupidest thing.”
“What did you do?” Emilie asked in a monotoned voice.
“I told him to leave.”
“Kyle! What, why?”
I laughed. “It’s my go to maneuver when I feel vulnerable. He understood.”
“Well good. That all, he left and nothing since?”
“Yeah. Well we almost kissed.”
Emilie slammed on the breaks a little shy of West Third Street. A car behind us honked its horn. She waved into the rear view.
“Sorry,” she said both to me and the car behind us. “You what?”
“Almost kissed, but I chickened out. Scotty just said I was worth the wait.”
“Ha! I knew it. He’s totally into you.”
“I know he is… I just can’t bring myself to tell him I like him.”
“Do it, do it,” she repeated a few times. “Come on Kyle, imagine how great it will be when you tell him you like him.”
“I’ll feel weightless. Euphoric, jubilant, every positive emotion in the English dictionary.”
“You’re so adorable, you are literally glowing right now and haven’t stopped smiling since you got in the car.”
“Stop it, now I’m embarrassed.”
“You’re in luck, we’re here. Time to get coffee and people watch.”
“Sounds like an excellent plan.”
I paid for parking and we ventured around the shop area chatting and checking out guys. We got coffee and sat on the lawn nearby.
“Know of any museums in the area?” I asked.
Emilie giggled. “There’s probably three in the general vicinity. What are you looking for?”
“I love Vincent van Gogh’s work. So, any variation of his would be nice.”
“Hmm, didn’t he cut off his ear?”
I laughed. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“Who knows, the common belief is auditory hallucinations. People have their thoughts but it’s all theories.”
“Huh. I think the Getty has a few of his paintings. The LA County Museum might have some. Want to check em out? We still have a few hours to kill.”
“Sure!”
Emilie stood, holding one hand on her hat as a gust of wind threatened to blow it off and held out the other to help me up. We explored a few museums and lucked out at one. It was nice to see period pieces. At one museum we ventured around second floor. The lighting upstairs was darker. Only one individual spot, from overhead, lit up each painting. We saw paintings like Irises, Road with Cypress and Star, Cypresses, and Starry Night Over the Rhône.
I reached the end of the hall and found his most famous painting. I stared intensely at the Starry Night. Van Gogh painted these lines a couple hundred years ago. Those lines made this painting so hypnotic. I knew it was a replica, but one could still dream it was the original. It was almost intoxicating to look at the painting for too long.
“Wow,” Emilie said when she finally caught up to me.
“This is my favorite painting of all time.”
“It’s beautiful,” Emilie said. Just then her phone rang. “Sorry be right back.”
I gazed at all the colors. Blues, white, greens, and yellow. Lines moved chaotically in different directions. Everything had a purpose and destination. My eyes followed the lines until I reached the sky. I focused on the movement in the center. Stars exploded outward in a billowing formation, both meeting and drifting apart. The small jagged lines were starting to bother me. I stared blankly at the masterpiece before me. It resembled my life at this moment in time. The life I was leading, and the lie I was living. Swirled together like chocolate vanilla soft serve.
My phone vibrated, and I saw Scotty’s name and his photo illuminated the screen, my heart picked up slightly, and my fingers couldn’t move toward my messages folder fast enough. Another message came in. I eagerly opened the text messages.
Hey Kyle.
I know you mentioned you needed some space to think things over. I understand fully and don’t expect a response until you’re ready. I was thinking about you and wanted to say again how proud I am that you finally built the courage to come out to me. It’s not easy. Maybe we can hang out soon. Hope you’re well.
Scotty.
I debated for a moment; I wasn’t sure what to say. I looked back at the painting. Everything had its purpose, and knew it’s meaning… buck up Kyle, you know what to do. Finally, I had my answer. I down at my phone and wrote back.
Yeah, I’d love to see you too. I miss you.
I hit send. I miss you? I miss you? What the heck were you thinking? I wished I could take back a text. I quickly sent another message, hoping the comment would throw him off track.
Maybe this weekend after school gets started? I wrote.
Emilie walked back and poked my side, making me jump. “My mom just called and said I have to get home. We have time to grab a coffee down the road if you’re interested.”
My phone buzzed and it startled me.
G I miss you too. I’m busy the next week or two with shoots, but we’ll find the time soon! Scotty replied.
&nb
sp; “Coffee sounds good,” I said. I became distracted by another text from Scotty.
Whenever works for you is all right with me. q
“Whomever is texting you better be more important than me.”
“It’s Scotty.”
“Ooo, what did he say?”
I laughed. “None-yah business.”
Emilie glared at me. “Don’t make me wrestle you for your phone, you know I’ll win.”
“Ouch.” I laughed. “He wants to hang soon,” I said, a smiled plastered on my face.
Emilie smiled wide. “See, it’s all going to work out.”
I knew right then I had to tell him I liked him. Not just like him, but I also wanted to date him. There was no way around it. It was time to make a move. Scotty made me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the longer I went without seeing Scotty the warmer my heart became. We walked away leaving behind my Starry Night.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: US AGAIN
As usual, the night before our first day of school Mom had everything planned out.
She had us pick out our clothes so we wouldn’t run late in the morning. Even our backpacks were ready by the door. The bus was supposed to arrive at seven-fifteen, this would take some time getting used to. Thanks to summer break, I’d gotten used to waking up at seven-thirty or eight; not six. After dinner I went right up to my room and got ready for bed. I listened to my iPod and fell asleep around eleven.
My alarm clock blared at the crack of dawn, waking me from a dream. I sat up, groggy and stumbled out of bed. I sighed and grabbed my clothes and headed for the bathroom. Stephen bounced out, smiling.
“Ready for school?” Stephen excitedly asked.
“Shut up, you’re to cheerful right now!” I complained.
He laughed and patted me on the back as he passed me in the hallway. After I showered, I joined Stephen downstairs, fixing myself a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice and sat next to him, yawning.
“Are you ready for school?” Stephen asked a second time.
“Yes.”
“I can’t wait to see all the girls at this school.”
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