Dancer at Silver Spires

by Ann Bryant

  Now she was really making fun of him, because I don’t suppose Mr. Pattle had any idea what that was like. I couldn’t imagine he ever laughed at anything.

  “Yes, well…” He looked so uncomfortable standing there now. I couldn’t believe how flustered he was, and I almost felt sorry for him, except that what happened next killed every last trace of laughter that might have been lingering inside me.

  Miss Morgan had come into the room. “I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Pattle, but could I borrow Izzy Carter for a few minutes?”

  Mr. Pattle looked hugely relieved at the distraction and nodded at me to go. I saw Sasha’s hand fly to her mouth and I knew she was worried about how I’d react to the dance mistress wanting to speak to me. My legs shook as I got up and looked at Miss Morgan. Then as her eyes met mine, I realized that she didn’t have a clue who I was. She was just following up on what Mrs. Truman had told her.

  My heart thudded as we walked down the corridor together. And I felt as though my feet were thudding too, because Miss Morgan was so tiny and graceful, walking beside me in her pink footless tights and black swirly dance skirt and tight white top with a thin green wrap-over. On her feet she wore ballet-teaching shoes with the tiniest of heels on them. She reminded me of Miss Amelia, and I knew it was a massive coincidence but I thought that even her perfume was the same, because I was taken right back to Miss Amelia’s studio and all the classes I’d had there over the years.

  “I’m sorry I had to interrupt you in your lesson, Izzy, but this is the only time I have available today and Mrs. Truman felt that I really ought to be getting you to join the junior ballet club. Only, I understand you’re not very keen. Is that right?”

  I nodded and tried to speak. My words came out in a small thin voice. “I’ve given up ballet. I found…I wasn’t right for it…”

  Miss Morgan was nodding. “Right…” But she didn’t sound as though she believed me.

  “Wh…where are we going?”

  “To the studio. I’d just like to see what you can do. You know we’ve got the dance show coming up, and we’re a bit thin on the ground for juniors in general, but especially in ballet.”

  We came to the sports complex and my heart thudded as we walked past the sports hall and the small hall beside it and into the dance studio. Miss Morgan pressed four switches all at once, and the overhead lights flickered briefly, then shot bright white light into every corner of the room. I stared in amazement and felt my knees turn to jelly. No matter how much I’d taken in about this room before, it felt so different today. The baby grand piano and the rosin tray, which is for dancers to dip their pointe shoes into to help them grip the floor when they dance on the ends of their toes, took me right back to Miss Amelia’s studio.

  “I’ve got a few spare pairs of ballet shoes here, Izzy. What size are you?”

  This was all going too quickly. I didn’t feel as though I could say no, and yet with every fibre in my body I wanted to rush out of this studio. This was nothing like dancing on my own in secret. There was no safety here. I could see myself in every mirror, just like I had done at The Royal Ballet School audition.

  My insides were turning to jelly and Miss Morgan was waiting for my reply. “Er…size four.” Please don’t let her have any fours.

  “Here we are. I know it will feel a bit weird when you’re in uniform instead of dancing in a leotard and tights, but I just want to get an idea.”

  No she didn’t. She wanted to size me up. That was the phrase Mrs. Truman had used. That’s what everyone wanted to do in the world of ballet. And if you weren’t exactly the right fit, you were rejected. I felt as though I should be explaining to Miss Morgan that I’d already been rejected so there was no point in sizing me up a second time. And as I had that thought, it was as though the strength went out of my legs. I was shaky before, but now I was weak as well. My fingers fumbled with the ballet shoes. They weren’t my own. They weren’t comfortable. Did they belong to one of the seniors who’d grown out of them?

  “Right, just do me a few steps like you did in the sports hall. I don’t mind what, but nothing too stretchy as we don’t have time for a warm-up.”

  Everything stiffened up as I looked at myself in the mirrors. This was so like The Royal Ballet studio where I’d auditioned that it wouldn’t have surprised me if the panel of judges suddenly appeared. And as I had that thought, a picture of Miss Amelia’s horrible face from my dream flashed through my mind.

  “Right, off you go, Izzy.” I saw Miss Morgan glance at her watch and I knew she was getting impatient, but my body just didn’t seem to be able to move. I stared at the sprung floor and tried to get the feeling back that I’d had in the sports hall with Sasha. Only it wouldn’t come.

  “Er…I’m not really sure what…”

  “Any step that you’re used to, Izzy.”

  I couldn’t put it off any longer, so I forced my arms into a preparation position, feeling how stiff they were and hating the sight of myself in the mirror. Maybe it would be better if I couldn’t see myself. But there was no escape from the mirrors unless I looked down. I knew I couldn’t look down though. That would completely spoil the alignment. I’d just have to get on with it quickly and then I could go. So I tried to do what I’d done in the sports hall, only it didn’t work. I was too nervous and shaky and wasn’t warmed up like I had been after gym club.

  Miss Morgan was staring at me just like those judges had done at The Royal Ballet School. I nearly tripped over my right foot with my left one, which I’d never, ever done before. I felt a complete fool and I stopped and said, “There,” because I couldn’t think what else to say.

  “Oh…right!” Miss Morgan looked a bit surprised. “Do you want to try something else?”

  I shook my head. What was the point?

  Miss Morgan didn’t try to persuade me. No wonder. She was a proper dancer. She would be able to recognize talent if she saw it. Not like Mrs. Truman. Mrs. Truman was only a PE teacher. She didn’t realize I wasn’t any good really.

  I went back to geography on my own, because Miss Morgan had to rush off in the opposite direction. I was pleased that she wouldn’t be walking along the corridor beside me, because what would we find to talk about? My shoulders slumped forwards as I walked and I dreaded going back into geography. Sasha would raise her eyebrows at me and so would the others.

  And of course, that was exactly what happened. “What did she say?” whispered Sasha as I took my place next to her.

  I shrugged and shook my head, which might have meant, I’ll tell you afterwards because Mr. Pattle’s looking, or it might have meant, She didn’t say anything.

  It was only a single period of geography, so the bell went in no time at all and we all trooped out. The moment we were in the corridor, all my friends crowded round me.

  “What did Miss Morgan want?” asked Nicole.

  “Did you show her what you could do?” asked Sasha.

  “I bet she thought you were brilliant, didn’t she?” said Emily.

  “Are you going to join the ballet club now?” Antonia wanted to know.

  Only Bryony stayed quiet, but I could tell she was interested in what I was going to say.

  It was Emily’s question that had stood out for me. I could answer that one easily, because I could still recall the look on Miss Morgan’s face when I’d stopped and said, There. She’d seemed so surprised, and I imagined her talking to Mrs. Truman later: That girl, Izzy Carter, I’m afraid I don’t see any talent there. She’ll never make it as a professional dancer.

  “I don’t think Miss Morgan thought I was much good actually.” I’d tried to sound as though I didn’t really care one way or the other, but they were all looking pityingly at me, so I must have sounded a bit sorry for myself. “Anyway, I’m not joining the club, so it makes no difference what she thought.”

  Now they looked stunned and I knew I must change the conversation as soon as possible. “What happened with Mr. Pattle after I’d gone, Bryony?”<
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  “Er…nothing. I think he was quite relieved that Miss Morgan interrupted at that moment.”

  “But we weren’t!” said Emily. “We were enjoying watching him writhe around like a squirmy little insect while Bryony pecked away at him like a big bird! In fact it was a shame that Miss Morgan had to come in!”

  I didn’t say anything but I so agreed with her.

  Not surprisingly, Miss Morgan never came to find me again over the next few days and Mrs. Truman didn’t say anything about what had happened. I stopped using the banister at the top of the stairs as a barre and I never went back into the room behind the laundry. The other me seemed to have gone, and it was a relief not to have to put up with the arguments in my head.

  The only time that ballet ever came up was if we happened to be in the common room at the same time as Olivia and Maria, because as long as there was someone in there to admire them, they always talked about the show and demonstrated bits of their dance, pretending they were just practising. Apparently they’d persuaded a girl called Kate to take Olivia’s part and Olivia was dancing Abi’s part, because Abi’s hamstring injury was still bad.

  In the queue for lunch one time, Sasha and I were standing right beside the table where Maria was eating her lunch, and for once Olivia wasn’t with her.

  “Liv isn’t half as good as you, Abi,” she was saying to the girl opposite her.

  So this was Abi. I hadn’t seen her around school much, but now, simply eating her lunch, I thought how poised and graceful she looked. She ignored what Maria had just said, and I felt pleased, because I didn’t like the way Maria was being so disloyal to someone who was supposed to be her friend. She and Olivia were as bad as each other.

  Abi sighed and spoke heavily. “I don’t get how my hamstring can be fine one minute but feel painful again the second I stretch my leg.”

  I felt so sorry for her at that moment, but then when Sasha and I saw her in the main library a day or two later, her face was altogether brighter. Sash and I were looking for a book we needed for English and Abi was having a whispered conversation with someone nearby. It was a minute or two before we realized that the girl she was talking to must be the one who was taking Olivia’s place.

  “I’m not making any promises, Kate,” Abi was saying. “It just feels so much better this time that I’m certain I’ll be able to manage the extensions in the dance.”

  “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me,” Kate replied. “I’m sure Olivia and Maria think I’m rubbish, and it would be great if you were back in the lead role. I told them dancing’s just not my thing any more,” she went on. “That’s why I decided not to come back to ballet club this year.”

  “I’m coming to practise in the sports hall after school today to see what Miss Morgan thinks,” Abi replied. “Ignore Olivia and Maria. You are good. I’m telling you!”

  “Abi sounds really nice, doesn’t she, Izzy?” said Sasha quietly when we were on our own again.

  I nodded. “I feel sorry for Kate if Olivia and Maria are being unkind to her in rehearsals.”

  “Hey, why don’t we go to the sports hall after school and ask if we can watch them rehearse?” said Sasha, her eyes shining like a little kid thinking of sneaking into her big sister’s bedroom and taking something.

  Surprisingly it felt safe to be talking like this with Sasha. I suppose it was because it was someone else’s ballet world that we were so interested in, not mine.

  “We’d better not actually go in,” I quickly said. “But we could look through that little window round the corner from the main corridor.”

  So that’s what we decided to do. And Sasha seemed to be just as into it all as I was when we were making our way to the sports hall after lessons had finished.

  “I wonder why they’re not rehearsing in the theatre,” she said. “I’m sure Olivia said that’s where the show is.”

  “I think the junior play is being rehearsed in there,” I replied.

  Sasha wrinkled her nose. “Well, why aren’t the ballet group using the proper ballet studio, then?”

  I explained that I was pretty sure the reason would be because they wanted a big room so they could imagine the stage better and work out their placings. And Sasha looked at me as though she was really impressed with my answer.

  “You really know a lot about ballet, don’t you, Iz?” she said quietly. And my mind flew back to the last time she’d said that, when the two of us had been sitting up in my bed, looking at photos at two in the morning. I didn’t want that memory getting in the way of this new adventure Sasha and I were sharing, so I was glad we’d reached the side of the hall and I didn’t have to reply.

  A second later we were both peering through the little window that looked right into it. There was another larger window in the main corridor, but we’d chosen this little one because no one ever really came round the corner here, and also when you’re actually in the hall you can’t see if people are looking in at you from this one.

  “Oh look, everyone’s here. There’s Abi talking to Kate,” Sasha whispered. “And look, you were right about imagining the stage better – see, they’ve chalked out an oblong shape on the floor.”

  “It’s quite a big area, isn’t it?” I murmured, but I was more interested in watching what was going on.

  I’d noticed Olivia and Maria warming up, and then there were four other girls standing around in leotards and tights, but no sign of Miss Morgan. We couldn’t hear what any of the girls were saying, but when Abi put on the music it came over quite clearly. A moment later, the girls started doing individual stretches on the floor to the music to get warmed up, and it took me right back to my own classes. If Miss Amelia was here now, she’d be telling Kate to slow down. I could just hear her voice. You’ll sprain something working at that speed. Abi, on the other hand, was stretching very slowly and thoroughly and avoiding putting any strain on her left leg. She looked almost professional, and it was thrilling to watch her.

  Then we suddenly saw Miss Morgan go into the hall from the main corridor, her dance skirt flaring out as she ran with the lightest of footsteps across the hall. Immediately everyone stopped what they were doing and gathered around her. She must have been saying something important to Abi, because Abi kept on nodding hard, then shaking her head and looking serious. And as the others all got into their positions, with Olivia in the centre of the chalked rectangle, a proud look on her face that she was taking the main part, Abi sat on the floor ready to watch them.

  I felt disappointed that I wouldn’t be seeing her dance. Miss Morgan must have told her not to join in, in case she damaged her hamstring again. My heart raced as Miss Morgan changed the music and the dance began. It was almost as though I was actually taking part in the rehearsal myself, and I wished I could hear what Miss Morgan was saying every time she stopped the action and made a comment. At one point she demonstrated something to Olivia, and she looked so amazing that I was sure she must have been a professional dancer before she took up teaching. I could have watched her all day.

  Every fibre of my body was absorbed in what was going on, so it gave me a shock when Sasha suddenly said, “I’ve just remembered, I said I’d go and help with the scenery painting again, Izzy. Do you want to come?”

  “It’s…okay, Sash. I’ll just watch a bit more of this.”

  She smiled. “See you at supper then.”

  And then I was straight back into the rehearsal. The choreography was lovely, and Olivia was easily the best dancer there, then Maria. Kate and the others weren’t turning out or extending their legs as much as they should, and they couldn’t move as smoothly or expressively as Maria and Olivia.

  After a while, Miss Morgan started pacing around with a big frown on her face as though she was deep in thought. I wondered if she was trying to decide whether to let Abi dance after all. And after a few seconds it looked as though I was right, because Miss Morgan suddenly turned to Abi and said something, and in a flash Abi was reaching for he
r pointe shoes, then quickly putting them on and tying the ribbons. She looked so happy as she walked over to the chalked-out stage.

  Kate seemed even more delighted. She gave Abi a big hug, then practically skipped off the stage area and stood to one side. Olivia looked furious as she moved out of the centre to the position that Kate had just had at the side, and Abi took up the central position.

  This time, when the music started and Abi rose up onto pointe and raised her arms into fifth position, I felt such magic tingles all over me it was unbelievable. Even though she obviously wasn’t dancing with her full energy, her performance was stunning. But she’d only been dancing for a few minutes when she stopped suddenly, clutching the top of her left leg at the back, and said something to Miss Morgan, before going to get herself a chair. Miss Morgan looked really concerned and so was I.

  After that, the rehearsal just kind of fizzled out and I watched as everyone left the hall. Then I listened as they walked along the main corridor. Abi was saying, “I felt fine for ages, but now it’s hurting like mad.”

  “You just need to make sure you give it enough rest,” Miss Morgan replied. “I shouldn’t have let you dance today. It’s my fault.”

  As their voices disappeared into the distance, I knew I should be going too, but I couldn’t quite tear myself away. In my head I was working out a different choreography with fewer extensions, so Abi’s leg wouldn’t be under such a strain. I needed to keep my eyes on the chalked-out stage and imagine all the girls dancing, or I couldn’t do it properly. I stood there for ages, working out steps in my head and wishing I could write down all my ideas so I wouldn’t forget them. After a while, as there was no one around, I went into Mrs. Truman’s office and quickly grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil from her desk. Then I hurried back to my place around the corner and, once I’d had a final look at the imaginary stage, I started to write down what I’d worked out, as best I could.