by Kiki Archer
“I look good though, don’t I?”
Jenna smiled. “Pink’s always good. Tell me about Hugo. It wasn’t that bad, was it?”
Champagne rolled her eyes and sucked the cool evening air through her nostrils. “It was horrific. We had to stay in a line, at ALL times. We had to do what he told us, at ALL times, and we had to say WHOOP every time we lifted one millimetre off the ground on those crappy little jumps.”
Jenna laughed. “You wanted to go.”
“Yes, because you made the penguin play park sound like the second coming.” Champagne narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t want to get rid of us, did you?”
Jenna nudged the teenager’s arm and pointed at a couple of women who were skating around the corner and happening to glance their way. “Not a chance. I get so much attention when I’m with you, Champagne.”
Priggy put her packet of bon-bons back in her pocket and turned around in the queue. “I wish you were a teacher at St Wilf’s, Jenna. You’re so easy to talk to.”
Jenna shook her head. “I’d find it difficult to be strict. I’d get told off for gossiping with you girls too much.”
“Plus she’s far too cool,” added Champagne. “Compare her to Quinny.” Champagne was taller than everyone else in the queue but she still lifted herself onto her tiptoes and nodded towards her teacher who was standing at the front and directing proceedings. “Look, Quinny’s opted for the dad jeans and … three guesses … that lilac fleece.” She dropped back down onto her heels and turned to Jenna. “While Jenna here’s got the snow-chic style down to perfection.”
Priggy nodded. “You are seriously funky, Jenna. Your belt matches your beanie and I’m sure I saw Rihanna wearing those combats in a magazine last week.”
“I live out here, I shop out here. I just buy what’s around.”
Champagne frowned. “Does Madam Quinn live above BHS?”
Priggy slapped her friend’s arm. “Don’t be cruel.”
Jenna followed Priggy in Susan’s defence. “She’s fine. She dresses like most of the teachers we get out here.”
“You don’t think there’s something going on with her and Professor Ramsbottom, do you?” asked Priggy far too hopefully.
Jenna shoved her hands into her pockets and stepped in closer. “Listen, ladies, I’m going to give you some big sister advice. Work with people you like. Get a job in a profession where you think the people are hot. Fifty percent of relationships start in the workplace and eighty percent of affairs happen in the workplace.”
Priggy looked horrified. “So they’re at it?”
“No, I’m just saying you should choose your profession wisely.”
Champagne smiled and dropped her arm over Jenna’s shoulder. “You would be a great teacher. No one’s ever given us career advice like that before.”
Priggy frowned. “So you’re telling us to avoid a career in an old people’s home. Eugh, you wouldn’t want an affair then, would you?”
Champagne rolled her eyes. “No, she’s just telling us to make sure there are other hot people in our profession.” She grinned and nodded towards the ice where a pink-haired Amber was trying to get Jenna’s attention. “Like her. Ha! No wonder you’re a ski rep with all of these funky women around.”
“You’ve busted me, Champagne. No, sorry I shouldn’t be saying that, Amber’s just a colleague. See, I’d be a crap teacher. I’m far too inappropriate.” She glanced up and saw the waving for herself. “Give me a second, girls, she wants me for something.”
“Eighty percent of affairs, Jenna,” whistled Champagne.
Jenna laughed at the banter as she stepped out of the queue and walked past the benches towards the ice. Amber was leaning over the barrier and looking rather anxious. “Everything okay?” asked Jenna.
Amber shook her head. “I haven’t heard from you. What’s going on? What did Quiffy say? Is she going to report us?”
“What?”
“Last night, the bar, your tongue in my—”
“Right, no, she’s fine, it’s fine. Don’t call her Quiffy.”
Amber huffed and blew a cloud of cold air towards Jenna. “Less than twenty-four hours and you’ve forgotten what we got up to. I’ve been worrying about it all day.”
“Worrying about what?”
“That she’d tell! That she’d report us for inappropriate behaviour.”
Jenna shook her head. “No, Susan’s not like that. It’s fine.”
Amber ran a gloved hand through her hair. “How do you know? Has she said anything? I’m really scared, Jenna. I’ve had two warnings already this season. If I get another I’m out of a job.”
Jenna laughed. “Two? What was the second one for?”
“Oh, nothing really. I gave my number to that really hot sixth form boy. Remember him from that school in London?”
“The footballer?”
“Yeah, Chelsea Under 21s, he’s bound to make it big. Anyway we swapped numbers, started to text, you know how it is.”
“And that’s not allowed?”
Amber looked down to the ice and started to chip away with the tip of her skate. “Oh I don’t know. His dad found some pictures on his phone and reported me to Club Ski.”
“Amber, you’re worse than me.”
“No one could be worse than you.” Amber leaned further forwards over the barrier. “But seriously, Jenna, I’m scared.”
“Of Susan?”
“Yes. She saw us in full flow. I’m scared that she’ll tell.”
Jenna looked back over her shoulder and noticed that Champagne and Priggy were nearly at the front of the queue. “She won’t. I’ve got to go and get my skates.”
“How do you know? People like her always tell. They never do bad things and they’re always waiting for other people to trip up.”
“Don’t stereotype. She’s not like that.”
“Yeah right. The worst thing she’s ever done is quiff in her teacher’s face.”
Jenna gasped. “Amber, you can’t say that! I wish I’d never told you.”
“Who cares? It’s true. Women like her don’t make mistakes. They don’t have enough adventure or excitement in their lives to make the wrong choices.”
“What?”
“It’s true, she’s going to tell. I know it and I’m going to lose my job and I’ll have to go back home and work in my sister’s crappy hair salon.”
“Susan’s not like that.”
“Oh here we go again. What is it with you and her?”
“Amber, she’s not going to tell. She’s made mistakes of her own.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”
“See, she hasn’t, you’re just trying to make me feel better, but you won’t.” She shook her head. “I’m shitting my pants here, Jenna.”
Jenna looked back towards the skate booth and spotted Champagne and Priggy taking off their shoes. She turned back to Amber and whispered. “Fine. She left a girl at the service station. We had to go back and pick her up.”
“No way! Susan did?” Amber was open mouthed. “Fuck! That’s serious. Has she been disciplined?”
Jenna shook her head. “We managed to keep it under wraps. Marcus doesn’t even know. I said I’d left my phone there and we went back for her. We sneaked her onto the coach while the others were having a group photo.”
Amber blew out a huge puff of cold air. “Fuck. Who was it? Won’t they tell?”
“It was the little albino girl. She wasn’t aware either. Honestly Amber, Susan was really, really lucky, so she’s hardly going to go around tittle tattling on the rest of us.”
“Fuck, totally. Lucky us, hey?” Amber smiled, instantly back to her cocky self. “Does that mean we can have a re-run?”
Jenna pushed her on the shoulder back onto the ice. “No, go back to your school. I need to get my skates on.”
“See you in a minute,” said Amber, smiling. “I’ll hold your hand if you’re lucky.”
&
nbsp; “I think you might be needed elsewhere.” Jenna nodded towards the other side of the rink where a fight had broken out. “That’s your lot, isn’t it?”
“Fucking comprehensives,” moaned Amber, pushing off from the side and speeding across the ice.”
Jenna turned around and jogged towards the front of the queue. “Sorry, ladies, drama with the Mossyside crew.”
“Everything okay?” asked Susan pretending she hadn’t been glued to Jenna and Amber’s interaction at the side of the rink.
“Yes, fine, are we the last?” She looked down at Susan’s shoes that were still firmly on. “You are skating, aren’t you?”
“She says she can’t,” shouted Champagne, tottering carefully on her blades towards the ice.
Jenna kicked off her shoes and lifted them to the counter. “Who cares? I’ll help you.”
Susan handed the second to last ticket to the flustered French girl who hadn’t a clue whose shoes were whose or how many children had made their way onto the ice. “I’ve already had that offer and for once it seems like he’s not exaggerating.” Susan nodded towards Marcus who was gracefully skating around the rink with his hands behind his back. They both watched as he performed a perfect axel jump and proceeded to weave backwards between the other skaters. “He’ll have his hands all over me.”
“Get your shoes off. You don’t need him.”
“You’ll help me?”
Jenna took the outstretched skates from the French woman and walked towards the bench. “I’ll get you a zimmer.”
“What’s a zimmer?”
“Mademoiselle?” The French lady had her hand out.
Susan sighed and passed over the final ticket, bending down to untie her laces. She lifted her sensible shoes to the counter and took the battered pair of skates in return. She made her way to the bench and sat down next to Jenna. “What’s a zimmer?”
Jenna made the final adjustments to her laces and clomped over to the locker area where there was a wide range of stability aids. She lifted the most basic metal-framed one and hobbled back over to Susan, giving her best impression of an old woman. “H-h-here little g-g-girl, you can u-u-use my z-z-zimmer frame i-i-if you l-l-like.”
Susan burst out laughing. “That’s it. I’m not going on.”
Jenna nodded over her shoulder. “Or they’ve got penguins.”
“I’ll look like an idiot with either of them.”
Jenna pointed onto the ice. “Look, Daisy’s got one. So has Eugenie Rohampton.”
“I’d rather take Marcus.”
“Really?”
“No.” Susan smiled. “Will you hold my hand?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” said Jenna, grinning.
****
Champagne Willington danced across the ice, making sure she lifted her head that little bit higher each time she passed the Mossyside gang. The boy with the wide-peaked cap and huge gold chains was still staring and now the girl with the diamante tracksuit had her hand on her hip as if assessing her ability.
“You have flair,” complimented Marcus gliding up alongside his student.
Champagne looked down at the little man. “You’re better at this than skiing, Professor.”
“I’ll have you know that my skiing ability has been greatly overlooked thus far, but I’m sure I’ll be with you ladies by the end of the week.”
“Yay,” muttered Champagne through gritted teeth.
“So what do you women talk about on the slopes all day then?”
“Stuff.”
“Anything in particular?”
“Not you,” stated Champagne.
“Ah yes, she’s good at that. Madam Quinn likes to keep things private.”
Champagne felt the rush of air first and heard the gritty Manchester accent second. “He botherin’ you?”
Champagne glanced to the left, taken aback by the proximity of the boy with the gold chains and wide-peaked cap, noticing that he wasn’t that bad looking after all. “It’s fine.”
Marcus moved his hands behind his back and increased his speed. “I know all about romantic liaisons; I’ll leave you two pheromonious young adults to it.”
“It’s fine, Professor,” said Champagne wishing she hadn’t been so sharp.
“So you don’t wanna be left with me, huh?” shrugged the boy, easily able to match her skating pace.
Champagne looked towards the barrier at the girl in the diamante tracksuit who was now eyeballing her with folded arms. “I’m not sure your girlfriend likes it.”
“Mischa?” The boy made a strange b-b-brapping sound with his mouth. “She ain’t ma bitch.”
“Okay.” Champagne spotted Priggy and Jenna supporting Madam Quinn and tried to make some discreet eye movements in their direction.
The boy spoke again. “I want you to be ma bitch.”
Champagne tried not to laugh. “Really? I don’t even know your name.”
The boy linked his arm through Champagne’s. “Just call me Phats.”
Champagne smelt the grown up aftershave. “Fats?”
“Yeah, I ain’t fat, but I’m Phats where it matters, you get me?”
“She doesn’t like big todgers; she’s more of a tits and tuppy type of girl, aren’t you, Champs.” Priggy linked Champagnes other arm and kissed her on the cheek.
“You’re dolly dykes?” grinned the boy.
“No, no, not me,” said Champagne far too quickly.
“B-r-r-rap! Wait till I tell Mischa!”
Champagne watched as the boy sped across the ice towards the girl in the diamante tracksuit. “Great! Thanks Priggy, now she’s going to burn us at the stake.”
“Just ignore them, I’ve done you a favour. Plus I left my wonderful position as Madam Quinn’s personal skating support so I could come and save my very best friend.”
“I’m not sure I wanted saving. He was kind of cute. Plus he has a really cool name.” Champagne puckered her lips together. “He’s called Phats.”
“You’re kidding?”
“I’ve always wanted to try a bad boy.”
“Eugh, that’s so not for me.” Priggy smiled. “I know what we can do. We can skate around arm in arm and when we’re passing Madam Quinn you can hold me up and let me drool, and when we pass Mr Fatty Fatty Fun-Stick I’ll hold you up and let you drool.”
“Priggy, we need to have a serious chat. I’m not a lesbian but I can tell when a woman’s hot and when she’s not. Madam Quinn’s not hot.”
“Let’s call her Susan, it’s sexier.”
“I’m serious, there’s nothing to drool over. Fantasise about Jenna instead, she’s much nicer.”
Priggy pulled on Champagne’s arm and swerved them out of the way of Daisy Button who was still struggling with her penguin. “You know those American films where there’s a slightly geeky girl who gets a makeover and suddenly she’s transformed into the hottest person at school?”
“Yeah?”
“Susan’s like that.”
“She’s not,” laughed Champagne.
“She is. I saw her in the swimming pool once and she has an amazing figure. Plus her hair was swept back with the water and she’s got incredible bone structure.”
“Maybe my attention’s always been focused on her dreadful dress sense?”
Priggy shrugged. “They say the naturally pretty girls don’t need labels.”
“Says you dressed head to toe in Juicy Couture.”
Priggy swooned as they glided past their teacher. “Do you think we should help her?”
Champagne looked back over her shoulder. “No, Jenna’s strong enough to hold her up and I need you to support me; it’s my turn to drool.” Champagne gave an extra special pout as she passed the small group of stationary Mossyside Comp kids, but gasped as she heard them snigger. “Quick, speed up! Mischa’s just pushed off. She’s following us. I knew they were a couple.”
Priggy laughed. “It’s an oval shaped ice rink with a designated anti-clockwise route. Sh
e’s not going to be going any place else, Champs.”
Champagne looked over her shoulder. “Faster! She’s speeding up.”
****
Jenna placed her arm under Susan’s shoulder and lifted her off the ice for the third time that evening. “Okay, let’s try something new. I’m going to face you and hold onto your waist. I’ll skate backwards and guide you forwards. I want you to put your hands on my shoulders.”
Susan huffed. “Do we have to? I’d rather just sit out there and get a coffee.”
“Trust me. I’ll be in control. You won’t have to do a thing.”
Susan steadied herself on her blades and lifted her arms, grabbing Jenna’s shoulders tightly. She looked ahead and found herself staring straight into the encouraging brown eyes. “What now?”
“Nothing,” said Jenna, starting to skate backwards. “Just relax and enjoy yourself.”
Susan felt a wobble and held on even tighter. “You can’t see where you’re going.”
“Is there anything behind me?”
“No.”
“So we’re fine. Just relax and enjoy it.” Jenna took a deep breath and smiled. “Skating’s effortless. Close your eyes and you’ll feel like you’re flying.”
Susan closed her eyes and inhaled fully, shivering slightly as the cold air made its way into her lungs.
“MADAM!” Champagne was gasping. “Phats’s wanna-be bitch is after me!”
Priggy swerved to the other side of the pair and joined in. “She’s the chav in the tracksuit. Phats is the chav with the chains. We’re trying to out-skate them but they’re pretty fast.”
Susan opened her eyes. “What a lovely interruption. Thanks for that, girls.” She turned to Jenna. “That felt nothing like flying.”
Priggy studied her teacher and looked apologetic. “Sorry, were you having a moment?”
“No, Jenna told me I’d feel like I’m flying but I just feel panicked and nervous.”
“So do we!” wailed Champagne. “What should we do?”
Jenna continued to pull Susan forwards over the ice. “Stop being so dramatic, girls. Take a break. Go and get a slush puppy or something.”