Reckoning

by Leigh, Jo

  Her anger had ebbed and she could admit to herself that he hadn’t really lied to her. She’d felt safe with him because it was easier than facing the truth. He’d let her because he needed someone who believed he could do anything he set his mind to.

  They’d both been willing participants, and it wasn’t fair to make him the bad guy. But it also wasn’t fair to make him the hero, either.

  Nate was a terrific leader, there was no doubt about that. She didn’t know squat about being a soldier, but she knew he was as good as it got. Still, he was human. His troops were miniscule, his resources laughable. He was doing the best he could under the circumstances, but he wasn’t magician.

  She understood now why Seth had come to talk to her about Nate. He’d seen her hero-worship and he’d worried about the inevitable crash once she pushed Nate from his pedestal. He’d been right to be concerned.

  She should apologize for being so hurtful before, but neither of them could afford to be distracted. She had to transcribe. He had to pack. They had to win.

  Later, when they were somewhere else, somewhere they’d never made love, she’d tell him.

  * * * * * *

  They’d come to him, two at a time, to say they wanted one more day. That even if Omicron realized it was Cade who’d died, and therefore the rest of them must be nearby, Omicron wasn’t going to find the motel that night. They wanted to mourn, think, rest, eat, type.

  Nate knew exactly what they wanted to do. They wanted to screw each other to oblivion. Kate and Vince, Christie and Boone, Harper and Seth, because, damn it, they were alive, and they might not be tomorrow.

  He knew because he wanted Tam in a way that unnerved him. That made him stand at the back of his room and stare at her for a good ten minutes. All she did was type. She transcribed her notes without looking up. She wasn’t thinking about him at all.

  That realization chased him out of his room, down the stairs with the duffel bag and his backpack. He’d gone to Cade’s room and that’s where the others had found him. By the time Kate and Vince had been assured of their one night reprieve, Nate was wiped out.

  It hurt that he had to pack for his friend. That there was no body to bury. It hurt so much because Cade had died on Nate’s watch. He’d been so busy with Tam he’d taken his eyes off the prize.

  He should have been the one out there with Boone and Seth. He should have been in better communication with his men. The plan had inherent flaws, but he was too close to see them. He’d get them all killed. And who the hell was Leland Ingram to bomb Tam’s parents’ home, and what made Senator Jackson Raines think he deserved to live another second when a good man like Cade Huston was dead?

  A searing pain shot through Nate’s hand and he looked down to see blood dripping on the filthy bathroom floor. He looked around, but there was no one there, and then he saw he’d cut himself on a safety razor. Cade’s razor.

  He threw the thing in the sink and hissed as he washed out the small but deep cut in his palm. He took one of the towels off the rack and wrapped his hand, then he left the bathroom to sit on Cade’s unmade bed.

  They’d gotten him a single room. No kitchen, no couch. Just an old bed and a TV that didn’t get but three channels. He’d laughed about it, said he wasn’t likely to get lucky in Nevada, and that had been it. He’d eaten dinner at Christie’s. He’d taken care of the weapons. He’d written to his girl every single night.

  He’d killed himself to protect his friends.

  The American people would know the truth about him. His family would learn he was a hero and they’d be proud. Nate would make sure of that.

  A wave of exhaustion hit him so hard he felt sick to his stomach. He laid back on the bed, the scent of Cade’s god awful aftershave all over the sheets.

  To his shame, his last thoughts were of Tam, not his fallen comrade.

  * * * * * *

  “Tam?”

  With a gasp, Tam looked up at Kate, standing inside the room, holding a plate. “Oh, God, you scared me.”

  “I’m sorry to come in like this, but I knocked and—”

  “No, no, it’s my fault.” Tam glanced at the window and saw it was dark, then she looked at the time stamp on her computer. Ten past ten. Jeez. “Are we supposed to go now?”

  “Nate didn’t tell you? We’re staying until tomorrow.”

  “No, he didn’t.”

  Kate nodded, her long dark hair striking against her white sweater. “Have you eaten anything?”

  Tam shook her head, but she was more concerned with the loss of time than hunger. “I know this is a dumb question, but did all this happen today?”

  “Last night and today,” Kate said softly. She came over to the table and put the plate down. It was a big ham and cheese sandwich with lettuce and tomato, along with a bag of chips and some carrot and celery sticks.

  The sight of it made Tam’s stomach growl so loudly Kate raised her eyebrows. “I think you’d better eat.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “I’m trying to finish this up, but I’m not that great at typing numbers. I have to look at the keyboard.”

  Kate went to the bed and sat down. “Me too, and I’m an accountant, remember?”

  Tam took a bite out of the sandwich. It was amazingly good. She took another, and a third before she spoke. “I know I was horrible. I’m sorry.”

  Kate shrugged. “You weren’t so bad. It’s horrible that you can’t go see the people you love.”

  “You miss your family, don’t you?”

  “Me? Yeah. All the time. Every day. My father has a heart condition, and I’m not even sure he’s alive.”

  “Shit.”

  Kate dipped her head, then look up at Tam. “Nate’s doing his best, you know.”

  Tam’s cheeks heated. “I know.”

  “Okay. I just thought—”

  “That I was being unfair. Nate’s been great to me. He’s saved my sanity and my life.”

  “But?”

  “It was a mistake to share this room.”

  “Was it?”

  Tam put her sandwich down. “It wasn’t fair to either of us. Too much going on. Too much riding on things outside of our control.”

  “People don’t fall in love on schedule. It doesn’t matter what’s happening out in the world.”

  “I don’t know if I agree.”

  Kate smiled. “It’s okay. I’m prejudiced. I had no business falling in love with Vince. He had no business leaving his life to join our motley crew. But I’m glad we did.”

  “I don’t love Nate.”

  “No?”

  “At least, I don’t think so. I don’t know. He was virtually my only contact for over two years. When you guys thought he was dead, he was making sure I was all right, that I had food and equipment. He was my lifeline. He still is. How can I tell if it’s love?”

  “I don’t have any answers for you. All I know is that we all need Nate to be one hundred percent. He needs to be focused on the mission, for everyone’s sake.”

  “What are you saying. You want me to sleep with him?”

  “That’s up to you. Look, I like you, Tam, I have since we met in Kosovo. I’m really sorry about your parents, believe me.”

  Tam closed her eyes. “But I’m not leading the troops into battle.”

  Kate stood. “Nate lost a member of his team today. And he’s lost you.”

  “I understand.”

  “You better finish that,” Kate said, nodding toward the plate of food. Then she headed for the door. Just before she left, she said, “He’s down in Cade’s room.”

  Chapter 12

  Nate studied the drawings of the plant, this time concentrating only on communications. It was right there, the exit door that connected the clean room to the outside, that would make or break the entire plan.

  His eyes blurred but this time blinking didn’t clear his vision. He gathered the diagrams strewn over what used to be Cade’s bed and sat down, knowing he had to sleep, wondering if he dar
ed go back to his room.

  Was she in bed? If he tried to join her, would she turn away?

  All of this was his fault. He’d never let himself get emotionally involved on a mission. That was the kiss of death, and he’d known that since basic training. Afterwards, that’s when fraternizing was all right. Women were great to celebrate with, and even better when a man needed to lick his wounds. Women were distractions. Not all women, of course. But a woman like Tam? He knew better.

  Hadn’t he told himself she was off limits? Every time he’d gone into her lab, he’d wanted her, sure, but he was a man of discipline. Restraint. Right up until the moment she’d crooked her little finger, and then he folded like a pair of deuces.

  Now it was crunch time, only days away from the end game, and was he thinking about timing, coordination, weapons? No. He was thinking about never touching her again. Never seeing her eyes light up with mischief and pleasure when she tried some new trick in bed.

  He wanted her, and it hurt like hell that she didn’t want him back. His past conquests must be feeling pretty smug about now. Who’d it been, Reiko? No, it had been Illana who’d told him that one day he’d fall, and fall hard. That he’d be the biggest fool of them all.

  Piss-poor time to learn that lesson, when his life could be measured in hours. He needed to get some sleep and make sure that the one and only thing on his mind was the mission.

  They each had a vital part to play in the next few days, but as in every ensemble piece, they needed a steady conductor.

  After it was over, he’d make it up to her. For now, if he didn’t sleep he wouldn’t be good for anything. He set his wristwatch alarm for 6:00 a.m. That would give him a good four hours of rest.

  He settled himself on the bed, and forced himself to stop thinking about Tam. About Cade. About anything at all.

  * * * * * *

  It was just past 2:00 a.m. and Tam still couldn’t decide. She’d walked along, gun in hand, and she’d stood in front of Cade’s door until the cold permeated her shoes, her pants, even her jacket. She’d raised her hand to knock at least four times, but she couldn’t go through with it.

  The light underneath the door told her he was still awake. He shouldn’t be. Maybe Kate was right. Maybe the best thing she could do to support the mission was sleep with Nate. Make sure he ate, that he got some rest.

  If it was only sleep, she’d be able to handle it. But it wouldn’t be. She would turn to him for comfort, because that’s what she did. He would touch her and she doubted she’d say no. What she needed was time. And just a little bit of normalcy. Even more than that, she wanted her mother. To talk to her, get her advice. To know that she was okay, and that Papa was okay.

  She knocked on the door, then wiped her eyes with the edge of her jacket.

  Nate opened it a few seconds later, gun in hand. “What’s wrong?”

  “I woke you.”

  He blinked as if he hadn’t realized it was her. “Tam. What time is it?”

  “Two.”

  He looked behind her at the parking lot, then stepped back. “Come in.”

  She hesitated, but the damage had been done. He was awake now, and knowing Nate, he wouldn’t fall back into bed.

  He closed the door, engaged the safety on his gun, but he didn’t relax or move. “Did something happen?”

  “I’ve finished,” she said. “All my notes are compiled and ready.”

  “That’s good. I think Kate might need some help finishing hers. I’d like to have them done by tomorrow.”

  “I’ll get on that.” She could barely look at him. Embarrassment over her behavior, confusion about what she felt, those were minor compared to how very much she wanted to be held in his strong arms. She yearned for that feeling of safety only he could give, even though she knew it was a complete illusion.

  “I was just going over the plant diagrams—”

  “You were sleeping, and I woke you. I’m sorry. I saw the light on, and I—”

  “It’s all right. I just thought I’d catch a few hours before we have to get moving.” He looked at the bed, then crossed his arms over his chest, mirroring the way she’d been standing since she walked in.

  “Nate, I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” he asked, too quickly.

  “You know what for. I was very upset and I said things I shouldn’t have.”

  “You didn’t say anything wrong.”

  She let her arms drop to her side. “I said plenty. Maybe not in words, but you got the message. You’ve done nothing wrong. Been nothing but good to me.”

  He took a step toward her. “I’m so sorry about your parents.”

  “I know. And I know if it was possible, you would’ve seen to it that I got to them. But it’s not. You were right to stop me.”

  “I—” He stopped. “It’s late. We both should get some sleep.”

  “Come back to the room with me.”

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “Not a clue. But I don’t think you should sleep here.”

  He winced at the reminder that his friend was gone. “Yeah. I’ll get my things.”

  She went to the bed and put all the papers together in a neat stack as he got his duffel bag, and Cade’s. She carried Nate’s backpack and she straightened the bed before they left.

  Back in their room, she saw he’d left her toothbrush and paste and her soap and hair things. He’d left the awful Goodwill nightgown and what she’d need for the morning. Everything he owned was in his duffel bag. Yet another reason to feel lousy.

  He didn’t make a big deal out of it. They got ready for bed as if nothing had happened, but when she found herself lying next to him in the dark, she knew it was a very big deal. Maybe not for Nate. He wasn’t much older than she was, but he was years ahead of her in worldliness.

  She felt like a teenager, and in a lot of ways she was. Her nose had been stuck in a book, and her eyes at a microscope for most of her life. She knew exactly nothing about men, especially not one as complex as Nate.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  She laughed. “I’m the opposite of okay.”

  “What can I do?”

  “You can get some rest. You have to be sharp, and I’ll feel even worse if you stay awake because of me.”

  He lay so still for so long, she thought he’d taken her advice. She was about to turn over and close her own eyes when he said, “I want to hold you.”

  Simple words spoken so softly, yet they tore her up. Tears burned in her tired eyes, her hands fisted and she could hardly breathe.

  “Forget it,” he said. “I’m—”

  She reached out with her hand and touched his arm. “I want to be held.”

  He moved slowly, inching toward to her until she felt his thigh, his hip, his shoulder. Then he slipped his arm under her neck. When he pulled her closer, she gave up the fight. It was most likely the worst thing she could do, and she’d regret it for the rest of her life, but she’d never been more grateful for the comfort and safety she felt cradled beside him. He wasn’t a wizard or a superhero, but he came closer than anyone she’d ever known.

  With her hand on his chest, she tenderly kissed his cheek, and they slept.

  * * * * * *

  The morning began with A meeting in Christie’s room. Nate had slept until six, and he wouldn’t have gotten up then if Tam hadn’t been crying.

  She hadn’t even been awake. He could guess what her nightmare was about, but she didn’t say, and he wasn’t sure he should ask.

  He knew she wasn’t sure about this, about them being together, and he wasn’t either. But he was grateful for the truce. Maybe they’d never figure out what they should be doing, but in the meantime, he felt a whole hell of a lot better with Tam by his side.

  She was pale and shaky as she sat next to him on Christie’s couch, but when he looked at her, she managed a smile.

  He turned to the troops. “Vince, you have everything we’ll need?”

&n
bsp; “Not everything,” he said. He must have just rolled out of bed. His hair was all over the place, he hadn’t shaved and his shirt wasn’t buttoned right. Kate, on the other hand, looked great, and the way she smiled at Vince was pure indulgence. “I’ve got to get to Mesquite again, and I’m picking up the canisters at the machine shop.”

  Nate nodded. “I assume everyone’s packed?”

  “What about the computers?” Kate asked. “I’m not finished with mine. Are we taking them?”

  “Yes, we are. And Tam will help you with the transcription.”

  “Okay, boss.”

  “I’ve got to make some phone calls,” Harper said. “Will we get reception at the new digs?”

  “I have no idea. We’ll try, and if not, we’ll find the nearest cell tower.”

  “What about Eli?” Seth asked.

  “He said it’s all a go, but I want you to run through all the electronics again. You and Boone, as soon as we’re over there.”

  “Wait,” Christie said. “I have to take Milo to the vet. I can’t just leave him on his own.”

  “Okay,” Nate said. “You take him in, but get back as soon as you can.”

  She nodded.

  “Right people.” Nate put his coffee cup down on the carpet. “We’re leaving in shifts, two at a time in half hour intervals.”

  * * * * * *

  Tam and Nate were the last to go. The ride wasn’t long, and it was quiet, but it wasn’t tense. Mostly because Nate was in command mode, which is exactly where he needed to be.

  She kept herself on the far side of the passenger seat, low and silent. Nate looked over several times, but she just smiled to let him know all was well.

  It wasn’t, of course, but she wasn’t about to tell him. She hadn’t been able to shake her nightmare. She’d been at the hospital, in the room with her parents. Just as she touched her mother’s arm, the alarms went off. Her mother coded and Tam was pushed out of the way as doctors and nurses tried to revive her. No one turned off the heart monitor, and she listened to her mother’s death. Then Nate had shaken her awake.

  Tam wasn’t a superstitious person, but something told her it hadn’t all been a dream. Her mother was gone.