by Gabrielle G.
I owe them more than I could imagine.
Getting into the car, I’m about to drive to Tessa when my phone chimes.
I’m already laughing when I open it knowing it’s from Mark after looking at the screen.
Mark: You’re welcome. Now go get the girl, she’s not going to magically appear in a parking lot. Oh wait…
I frown trying to understand what he means when someone knocks on the window.
“Going somewhere, Green-eyes?”
A wave of happiness crashes into me just by hearing her voice.
Sneaky motherfuckers.
Chapter Thirty-One
TESSA
Oliver’s devilish grin hits me right in the middle of the heart.
I feel terrible for what I have to do. Walking away from him is the hardest thing, but I don’t see any happy ending in our story. There never was.
I’ve put him in greater danger than he can afford with having a son. He told me so the first time I’ve met him. My mother won’t stay away forever, and I could never forgive myself if anything would happen to him or Aito.
“Sorry,” I apologize, sitting in the car next to him. His face is still swollen and blue and I hurt knowing it’s all my fault.
Oliver is good at reading people and situations. His smile drops right away.
“There is nothing to be sorry about,” he says with a certain sadness in his voice. “This is it then?” I nod swallowing the lump of tears clogging my throat.
This is it.
This is the moment we say goodbye
The moment he goes back to his life and I go back to mine.
Alone.
“I…” I don’t know what to say. I had all my arguments ready but now I’m lost in an emerald mine. It’s obscure and shiny at the same time, his eyes brighten my heart but his sadness darkens my soul.
“I thought you being here meant you felt something for me. I was coming for you. I was coming to tell you that I love you, that I don’t hold you responsible for anything that happened.”
I close my eyes trying to avoid crying. I would prefer him to shut up, to tell me he hates me, to be angry at me. It would be so much easier. Unfortunately for my heart, he goes on, and I can’t stop him.
“You can’t choose who your parents are and what they do. I’ve been subjected to the indifference of mine all my life and I let it guide me when I was younger, I’ve let it go since I joined the navy. I wish you could let it go too, but I understand it’s soon, too soon.” I try to stop his words. Opening my mouth to apologize once more, but nothing comes out of me.
“Nevertheless, I’ve found in you a kind of love, support and understanding I know I will never have with someone else. We’re soulmates. We might not be a perfect fit—that’s not what I want—but you’re my mirror. You showed me everything that is holding me back, you showed me what I needed to do to change my life, to accept Elaine’s death and to love again. And we might have started our journey together not too long ago, but I don’t need years of dating and a long engagement to know I’m meant to spend my life with you. Look at me Tessa.” I open my eyes and brace myself for the words he’s going to deliver. The ones I know will make me want to run away with him, start everything new and forget my old life. But I’m determined to work through my grief, to be better and maybe then, later, to move on. Far from him and his son.
“Oliver,” I beg him, hoping he would stop but he shakes his head.
“Tessa, I never thought I would fall for someone else after Elaine died. But here I am. Totally and utterly in love with you. Loving you more than I ever thought possible. My heart mended when I thought it was forever broken. I just wished you felt the same.” His smile is sad and his eyes dejected.
I do. I want to scream. I do love him. But then what? We’re still at square one with nowhere to go. My life has been destroyed with a bulldozer, my career needs to be rebuilt, I’m still in therapy and my support system is here.
I’m petrified to start a life somewhere else without Quinn telling me what not to do. I’m petrified to love again and fail him when he’ll ask me to stop racing when it’s all I want.
“You’re more courageous and fearless than I am, Oliver. I can drive fast and face calculated danger, but I’m not sure I can risk my heart again. I’m not sure I can lose you.”
“Whatever happens between us, Tessa, I’ll be there for you. You have me forever. You can count on me. Whatever you need, I’ll have your back. I will always love you, my beautiful blue-haired girl. You need to understand that you’re part of my heart. Shit, you own my heart.” And mine shatters hearing so.
“Oliver, I can’t follow you.” I babble.
He takes my hand in his, like we did so many times when we didn’t need to say a word to understand each other. I know it’s still the case, but I also know I need to tell lies between us to be able to walk away from him, from us.
“So don’t!” He snaps with heat. “I would never ask you to follow me. I would never ask you to change who you are for me. I love you for who you are, not who you think I want you to become. You’re the one I want. And the woman I want is opinionated, a little reckless and a lot safe. We’ll figure out later how we can make it work. We can text, we have FaceTime, we have planes, we have emails. It’s not the 1990s anymore, we can have a long-distance romance or friendship or just relationship even thousands of miles away. All I’m saying is that I don’t want you out of my life, ever.”
Every one of his words fall heavily in the pit of my stomach. Fuck!
How could I ever let him go?
How could I walk away from him when he’s telling me not to change and that he’ll be there no matter what?
Silently, I sob. His hand comes up drying the tears falling down my cheeks and I lean in, his words creating an avalanche of regret. I wish I can change the path of our destiny, but all this is too much for me.
“How do you want me to go on without you after hearing such beautiful words?”
He shrugs while caressing my cheek.
“Again, you don’t. If you really don’t want me, if me out of your life is what makes you happy, then I’ll disappear. But if the tears you shed are because you’re heartbroken at the idea of me walking away, then know I’m not. I’m just allowing you to decide what you want. Your life is yours. I have mine in NY and because I’m not ready to leave everything behind and live here with you, it’s because I have a son I adore, friends I love and a bar I’m proud of. I understand you staying here for the same reasons I’m going back there.”
I snuffle in his hand before launching myself to his neck.
“I love you, Green-eyes. More than you can imagine.” I had to tell him. He has to know he’s much more than what he thinks.
“I love you too, Blue-hair. I really do.” He kisses my nose and tries to lean back but I don’t let him. My arms tighten around his neck and I force him closer to bring my lips to his.
“Tessa,” he whispers to stop me, but I don’t care. I don’t care much about anything right now. All I want is him. I want to feel connected to him, to feel loved by him.
When our lips touch, I devour him. I know it’s certainly the last time I’ll kiss him for a while, or maybe forever and I want to remember his taste, the swirl of his tongue, the feeling of his lips. I want to never forget how my heart and his make one with every kiss we shared.
He backs away before I’m ready to say goodbye and as usual he reads my mind before I can utter a word.
“I’m not saying adieu, Tessa. You know there is no goodbye between us. Just a see you later. In a few months, in a few years, in another life, we’ll always find our way to each other. I’ll always find my way back to you.”
Swoon bastard. My heart tumbles over and over.
“No bullshit?” I ask.
“No bullshit, Blue-hair. Never.”
“I feel like fate is laughing at us. We had to both lose the love of our lives to find each other but we can’t be together, not yet.”
I’m pretty sure he disagrees but he nods, nonetheless.
“And I’m really sorry my family fucked up your beautiful face.” I need to mention it because I’m remorseful of all he went through because of me.
“Is that why you’re walking away? Nothing is going to happen to me or to Aito or to you. Crawford has hired the best security around the Devils and their entourage, AKA me, and Andre will protect you. Don’t let one uneventful moment in your life decide your next step. We aren’t broken dolls. We survived great loss and found great love—”
I raise my hands to stop him. I need a safe world to survive the strain he’s putting on my heart. I need to walk away now before I beg him to take me to New York and love me forever.
“I’m sorry,” I say opening the door and setting a foot outside. “I’m so sorry.” And without a word, I abandon him in a car that isn’t his and run to mine. Jumping in my seat, I don’t hesitate before driving away as fast as I can.
The roar of the engine calming me, the landscape scrolling under my eyes like an Instagram feed, the pedal under my foot reminding me I’m alive.
Until I arrive at the same road where I thought I would die.
Until I know I’ll never feel entirely alive not having Oliver in my life.
Until I hear the sirens of a police car chasing me.
With a pang in my heart and a scowl on his face, I face Jenkins again.
“It seems it’s déjà vu, Tessa…” He rolls his eyes as I give him my license and registration.
“Maybe it is,” I shrug. “Maybe life is just an eternal wheel?”
“So stop the fucking wheel, enjoy the moment and stop speeding on my damned roads!” he says taking my license and going to his car to run my registration.
“And missing the fact that I can annoy you for eternity?” I shout for him to hear. I glance in my side mirror and see him shaking his head, amused.
He comes back with a smirk on his lips and hands me back my license,
“Hakuna Matata, Tessa,” I hear him say.
“What?” I ask.
“I said, have a nice day,” he laughs.
Pocketing my license, I roll my eyes. “Have a nice day, Officer,” I say, starting my car.
“You too, Simba. You too.”
I might not know much about what the future holds for me, I might have to decide a lot of things I’m not ready for, I might not know where I belong. But one thing I’m sure of, I’m going to fucking kill Quinn Miller.
Chapter Thirty-Two
OLIVER
“And so, he didn’t get the girl,” Lars tells Dan for the umpteenth time. “He let her walk away from Mark’s car and stayed there, sitting, while she was literally running away from him.”
It’s his daily reminder I didn’t fight hard enough for the one I want to call mine.
Lars is a romantic with a short memory.
If I was an ass, I would remind him that once upon a time, his head was so far up his ass that I was the one married to the one he loves. But I’m not an ass.
Dan looks at me expectantly but I shake my head. We’re not playing that game. Those guys love to roast each other as much as they support one another, but I don’t want to start anything that could compromise the balance Naomi, Lars and I found.
“It’s not exactly what happened,” I answer, serving Lars the one beer he allows himself to drink per week. Rock star my ass. Those guys don’t behave the way you would expect gods of rock to. Dan is on a strict diet, Lars is always in control and Art… well Art might be off the healthy train now that the love of his life decided to not give him a chance.
I get it. If I didn’t have Aito, I would have fallen into a barrel of despair, or as we call it here, scotch.
But the responsible guy in me decided it was better to suffer sober. Okay I might be exaggerating a little, I don’t suffer per se like Art is. I also didn’t fall in love with a super spy or whatever this Leo-girl is who saved me after Patrick died.
I told mine that I would love her from afar and be there for her and that’s what I’m doing. It’s been fucking hard and it’s taking everything I have in me not to fly to Virginia and drag her here by her strands of blue hair, but I’m managing.
It was still easier to come back to New York than it was to set foot in Virginia.
But I don’t regret my trip. I reconnected with Mark, met Tessa, made amends with Elaine’s parents and finally said goodbye.
My life is in NYC.
My past is in Virginia and hopefully a part of my future too. At some point, even if it takes us twenty more years.
“Look,” Dan interjects, “we’ve all lost the woman we had under our skin at some point. Lars here can make fun of you but at least you’re not getting drugged by a condom…” I chuckle. Dan wasn’t ready to let Lars drive this conversation on his high horse.
“Huh!” Lars scoffs. “Incredible. I was weak and someone took advantage of me. You on the other hand, fucked a stewardess right after sending a break-up text…” I groan remembering Dan dumping Anna.
“And who told me to dump my red-head because clearly I couldn’t be in love when I was off my meds?”
Old couple bickering. Rock stars who have been together for over twenty-five years and who are missing one because the guy is ignoring them, can fight dirty. Because I don’t want either their girlfriend and wife on my back for having let them get into a stupid fight when they are on a promo tour for their next album, I change the subject quickly.
“You sure you don’t want anything more exciting than water? I can offer you a Coke or a ginger ale…” I ask Dan. He shakes his head and smiles. Since being with my sister, he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol and takes his meds religiously. I slide him a glass of water and add a slice of lemon and a little paper umbrella just for the fun of it.
“Where’s your staff?” Dan asks, finally realizing I’m alone behind the counter.
“Certainly getting it on somewhere. The expression when the cat’s away, the mice will play has been quite literal around here when I was in Virginia.”
“I could have told you that those two were sniffing each other’s ass and waiting for an occasion to get it on.”
“Yeah I just hope it will last. I don’t need drama around here, or having to be the peacekeeper. They’re both excellent at their job and…”
“Stop stressing out, Oliver. It’s out of your control already.” Dan says leaning over the bar and taking away the towel from my hand. I didn’t even realize I was polishing the counter until that instant. It’s a coping mechanism I have developed over the years. “You’re good?” Dan asks. I nod, I am. If discovering Peter and Joe were together was an inconvenience, it wasn’t a surprise. I had also seen the glances they threw at each other and the flirting they were hoping to hide.
“Didn’t Peter sleep with Crawford?” Lars interrupts.
“I think you mean, didn’t Crawford fuck Peter and kick him to the curb?” Dan replies. “Because isn’t it what Crawford does? I heard he did so with Leo’s brother, and I think he did so with Chad, too.”
“What? Chad our PA and Crawford? No… Not Dex’s style…”
Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the old people of Rock n’ Roll.
Bingo and gossip, instead of drugs and women. How the mighty have fallen.
I walk away to serve another client, letting them debate about Dex Crawford’s sex life, and glance at the door. I’ve been hoping to see a strand of blue-hair appear for a month now, but every night I go to bed with a little pinch of disappointment in my heart.
Again, I get it, I truly understand she couldn’t pick up her life and follow me after two weeks of barely dating. But maybe I was hoping she would. I was hoping she was so madly in love that she would jump in and adore me forever.
I was also hoping for a little more communication than a very polite and full of shit answer when I texted her that I missed her. What the fuck does a blowing kiss emoji mean when it’s all you’re getting?<
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My heart races and I feel the need to check on Aito. To be sure he’s alright and that he loves me unconditionally.
I breathe in deeply.
Of course, he loves me unconditionally. I’m his father and he’s a baby. I slow my thoughts down and go through the steps my therapist gave me when such need—or any obsessional urges— comes on.
Because that’s the new thing in my life, I’m in therapy. Something I promised Sue I would do once back in New York. She gave me the name of a colleague and Anna made sure I called the guy as soon as we were back. As if I could ever disappoint Sue.
My phone chimes and Tessa’s name appears on the screen. I’m not sure what I’m going to do if another freaking emoji fills the screen. I know it means she’s thinking about me, but it also means she has nothing else to say. Or she doesn’t know what to say. Same difference.
I have thousands of things to tell her.
How I miss her, how I’m constantly thinking about her, how I jerk off morning and night with her on my mind.
I’m a thirteen-year-old discovering his dick for the first time when it comes to her. But I can’t tell her anything as long as she keeps sending me yellow faces blowing hearts.
Unlocking my phone, my heart almost stops when I see words on the screen. Actual words face me. It’s almost as long as an email and my eyes devour her text, searching for any underline and signification that this is a step forward.
Tessa: Hey Green-eyes. I miss you. Today Dr. Saman told me something I wanted to share. Wherever I will go, King will always be in my heart. And I feel that. I knew that. I might have forgotten it with all the things that happened with my family. I might have pulled back as an excuse not to move on, even if I found the perfect guy for me. So just know I’m not giving up yet. I’m working on my shit and in the meantime, I wouldn’t be against us texting more.