‘Rachel.’
‘No! Poor Rachel!’ Her hand flew to her mouth and then he saw realisation in her eyes. ‘That wasn’t what you all found so funny at our wedding, was it? When Rachel handed you an empty envelope, and the three of you cracked up. You said it was nothing...’
Alistair chuckled. That had been a good day. ‘You had enough on your hands with your dress, remember?’
‘Yes, I remember. It was just as well that your mother happened to have a safety pin on her.’
‘Mum always just happens to have a safety pin on her. Along with anything else that might come in handy.’ The warmth of that day was almost palpable now. The remembered happiness, which hadn’t yet been soured by the pain.
‘I’m beginning to get into the way of that myself, with Anya. There are never too many useful things you can have in your handbag. How your mum ever managed with five of you... You never said, Alistair. About your father.’
‘It always seemed a bit like tempting fate to me. My mother always used to tell me that I was like him.’
‘Maybe to give you some feeling of connection with him.’ Raina pursed her lips.
‘Yeah, maybe. Maybe because I am like him. You know, when he died, I couldn’t think of anything concrete that I might miss about him.’ Life had carried on in their household in much the same way. When Rob had gone to university the following year, he’d felt more in the way of loss.
‘Just the things you didn’t have.’
‘Yeah, I suppose so.’ Alistair shook his head. Their talk hadn’t been so bad—at least not so far. They hadn’t argued, and they’d laid a few more of the ghosts of the past to rest. They should probably stop now. Get out while the going was good.
‘More coffee? Or are you ready for the questions?’
Raina nodded. ‘More coffee. While you make it, I’ll go and get my laptop, I’ve got some more detailed graphics that explain the various points I made in my talk...’
Suddenly she reached out, gripping his hand. ‘You’re not your father, Alistair. You should know that. One day you’ll make a great dad.’
But not with her. And that took all the allure away from the prospect. He and Raina might be friends, they might even be casual lovers, but they’d ruled out the idea of ever making a life together again.
He shook his head and she quirked her lips down. Nothing more was needed. They both knew that he couldn’t change who he was.
Better make the best of it, then. Alistair smiled, rising from his seat, and started to clear the table.
* * *
They’d said the things that should have been said six years ago. Every time they talked, the hurt seemed to lift a little more from Raina’s heart, and it became so much easier to love Alistair again.
Raina sat down at the table and opened her laptop with trembling fingers. She knew how she wanted the evening to end now. When Alistair sat next to her, leaning across to see what she was doing, she felt the warmth of his body tingling through hers.
‘So...um...do you have some questions?’
‘Yes. There are only a couple...’ He leaned towards her, closing the lid of her laptop. Raina could hardly think straight. His scent was driving her crazy.
‘What...?’
‘Are you finding it as difficult to concentrate on this as I am?’
‘Yes.’ She leaned forward and kissed him. Just a brush against his cheek, which did nothing to slake the desire that was throbbing through her veins.
‘Next question, then. How’s your diary?’ Alistair’s fingers curved around hers, and he pressed them to his lips.
‘Free. Completely.’
‘Mine too.’
They wanted the same thing. But Alistair’s slow caress, the way he let each moment hang in the air, full of passion and expectation, was too good to miss. He kissed her, allowing nothing but their lips to touch, and the sensation was electrifying.
‘I still want you, Raina. I can’t help it.’
‘That’s all right. I can’t help it either.’ She slid closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and when he kissed her again everything dissolved. Tomorrow could look after itself, all that mattered was that she had him in her arms now.
There was no rush. Alistair trailed kisses across her cheek, whispering the things she wanted to hear. By the time they got to their feet, they were moulded together, like two halves of a whole. He broke their embrace for one moment to reach for the partly finished bottle of wine and two glasses from the dresser.
‘Come upstairs.’
‘Yes...’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ALISTAIR HAD HELD her hand tight, rushing her up the stairs, the bottle and glasses held precariously in his other hand. When he kicked the bedroom door closed behind them, Raina pushed him back against it.
‘Stay there.’ She took the bottle and put it beside the bed, loosening the stopper and pouring half a glass of wine. She could feel Alistair’s gaze on her. That was exactly what she wanted.
She walked back towards him, giving him the glass and kissing him lightly on the lips. Then she backed away. ‘Don’t move...’
He knew exactly what she was about to do. ‘That’s easier said than done, Raina.’
‘Do your best.’
His best was always breath-taking, even if it was just watching. Raina slowly took her clothes off, and his gaze followed every movement. When she ran her hands over her body, he caught his breath and suddenly it felt as if Alistair was touching her.
‘Raina...honey...’ He groaned as she approached him, pressing her body against his. She took the glass from his hand, taking a mouthful and then giving it back to him. Alistair drained it, and let it fall to the floor.
She pulled his shirt over his head, running her hands across his chest. Raina could feel his heart beating. His hands caressed her back, barely touching her. She wanted more but she knew he wouldn’t give it to her just yet. She popped open the button on the waistband of his jeans, feeling his body shiver against hers.
‘Raina...’ There was a note of desperation in his voice. ‘One more move...’
‘And what?’ She teased him.
‘You’ll find out.’
Slowly she slid the zipper of his jeans down, her fingers caressing him. One sharp intake of breath and she suddenly found herself lifted off her feet and into his arms. She wound her legs around his waist as he strode across the room, bending to lay her down on the bed.
‘You are in so much trouble...’ His smile, as he knelt over her, kicking his shoes off and tugging at his jeans, told her that it was exactly the kind of trouble she wanted. The kind she’d dreamed about.
* * *
He made her happy. Raina and Alistair had gone over every detail of the prosthetics project together, anticipating problems and making plans for the next group of parents and children. They’d spent time with Anya, taking her out to places that they both loved in London, as if they were a real family. And they’d spent time alone, nights of lovemaking that brought them closer than they’d ever been, and that overwrote the pain.
Two weeks had seemed like a lifetime. It had changed the present, and maybe it could change their future. But, still, Raina knew that she had to be cautious. It wouldn’t take much for it all to come crashing down.
Alistair was out of the office today, and he’d left her a package, wrapped in red tissue paper. When she opened it, it was a key ring, with a sparkly brick dangling from the chain. Even before she read the note, she knew what this was. She’d seen him put the first brick that Anya had picked up with her new hand into his pocket, and he’d made this so that she could carry it with her always.
She dialled his number, wondering if he’d answer, and the call went straight to voicemail. Some things didn’t change. When Alistair was working, he devoted all his energies to the task.
‘I love the key ring! Thank you. I’ll see you later.’ Raina left a message instead. However fragile this new relationship was, however fraught with danger, she couldn’t wait to see Alistair tonight...
* * *
Alistair had been looking forward to seeing Raina all day. But when she opened her front door to him, something about the embarrassed way that she put her finger over her lips told him that rushing her inside and leaving their clothes scattered in the hallway and up the stairs wasn’t going to be a good idea.
‘What’s up?’
Raina shut the door behind him and beckoned him into the kitchen.
‘Anya’s here.’
‘Your mother couldn’t take her tonight?’ Anya’s presence wasn’t the disappointment that it might have been. If Raina let him stay, then the idea that they might both put the little girl to bed, and then retire downstairs to the sofa for just one kiss was...not quite as exciting perhaps, but it triggered a warmth in a deeper level of his soul.
She pressed her lips together, and sudden panic flowed through his veins. ‘Is she all right?’
‘Yes...yes, she’s fine. I tried to call you...’
Guilt edged out the panic. Something was obviously up, and Raina had tried to call him. Alistair took his phone from his pocket, switching it on, and her missed calls and messages displayed on the screen.
‘I’m sorry. I was in a meeting all day and...’ He’d switched his phone off. Just as he’d done the day that Raina had lost their baby. Had he learned nothing?
Raina brushed his apology away. ‘It’s okay. Anya took a tumble and Mum was worried about her, so she took her down to the local hospital to get her checked out. By the time I’d got back from central London, she’d been seen and was ready to go. She’s okay, but I wanted to bring her home tonight, just to keep an eye on her.’
‘What happened?’ Something cold clawed at Alistair’s heart.
‘She has a few bumps and bruises, and a cut on her forehead, which needed a couple of stitches. They made sure she didn’t have a concussion...’ Raina smiled. ‘I did too when I got her home. I think I was still overreacting a bit.’
‘It’s not an overreaction. I’m tempted to check her over myself right now. You said she has stitches?’
‘Yes, just here.’ Raina brushed her forehead. ‘The cut’s right on her hairline, and the doctor who saw her did a very good job. It’s not going to scar.’
And it had all happened while he’d been working. Anya had been hurt and Raina had rushed home. And Alistair had gone on with his day, pretty much as his father had done when his elder brother had broken his arm.
‘May I see her?’ Alistair didn’t feel he had any right to ask.
‘Yes, of course you can.’ Raina stretched up, kissing his lips, but he hardly felt her touch. ‘Don’t look so worried. She’s all right.’
That didn’t make any difference. He wouldn’t have known, whatever had happened. But Raina’s gaze was searching his face now, and she seemed anxious. Alistair reached for her, winding his arm around her waist and pulling her close.
‘Yeah. Sorry, I just...’ He searched for an excuse. ‘She’s had enough of hospitals to last her for the rest of her life.’
‘Yes, I know. When Mum called I panicked a bit. I can’t help it after what happened to Andrew and Theresa. But she’s okay, so I think it’s best we don’t make too much fuss about it. If she wants to talk let her, but let’s not put our own fears into her head.’
‘No. That’s very sensible.’ Alistair leaned down, kissing her. Nothing. He felt nothing but the numbing effects of the guilt that weighed on his chest. And Raina’s kiss was usually enough to make the heart of a statue beat faster.
‘I’m sorry...about tonight.’
‘What?’ Suddenly the reason for Raina’s hesitancy hit him. She was thinking that it was all just sex to him, and that he didn’t want the complications of a child. ‘Don’t be crazy, Raina. I’m just worried about Anya. Would it be okay if I stayed awhile, maybe read her a story or something?’
Raina grinned suddenly. ‘That would be great. Go on through, I’ll be with you in a minute.’
Maybe it was by design, and maybe Raina really did have something to do in the kitchen, but Alistair was glad of the chance to be alone with Anya, to make sure for himself that she was all right. When he entered the sitting room, she was watching a cartoon on TV.
‘Uncle Alistair!’ Anya scrambled down from the sofa, and ran towards him for a hug. Alistair picked her up in his arms.
‘How’s my best girl?’
‘I fell over. And Granny fell over. So we all went to the hospital.’ Anya seemed keen to tell him her big news.
‘Grandad took you?’
She nodded. ‘And Granny had a big bandage on her. And the man put my head back together again.’
Alistair grinned. Anya was obviously milking this as much as she could. ‘Right. Well, that’s good, isn’t it.’
Anya nodded. ‘And he looked at my hand.’
‘You hurt your hand as well?’ Alistair picked up Anya’s hand, inspecting it.
‘No. My magic hand. He said it was fantastic. And that I’m a clever girl.’
‘Well, he was quite right. You are.’ Alistair looked up as Raina entered the room.
‘She was quite the centre of attention. You showed the doctor how you curl your fingers up, didn’t you, Anya.’
Anya nodded. ‘He said that was fantastic too.’
‘Yes, he did.’ Raina kissed her daughter, and produced a storybook from behind her back. ‘Would you like Alistair to read you a story before you go to bed?’
‘Yes!’
When Alistair sat down on the sofa, Anya curled up in his lap, clearly wanting a little comfort despite her bravado. He opened the book, starting to read, and Raina sat down next to him, leaning against his shoulder. When he put his arm around her shoulders, it felt as if this was all he’d ever wanted but didn’t deserve.
* * *
Alistair had carried Anya up to bed, and Raina had kissed her goodnight. When they reached the bottom of the stairs together, she suddenly seemed very weary.
‘Why don’t you go and sit down? I’ll go and see what’s cooking...’ The smell coming from the kitchen had told Alistair that Raina had already put their dinner in the oven.
She smiled at him. ‘Would you? Today’s taken it out of me a bit.’
It would have been a difficult day for anyone. But seeing Anya at the hospital must have reawakened all the memories of Andrew and Theresa’s accident. The grief, coupled with the need to look after their child, must have been overwhelming for her.
They ate, and Alistair insisted that Raina take a glass of wine into the sitting room while he cleared away the things. When he came to join her, she was asleep on the sofa. He sat for a while, listening to the silence, broken only by Raina’s regular breathing.
He watched her sleep for a while and finally he woke her, ready to bid her goodnight and go, even though this was the only place he wanted to be tonight. But Raina sleepily asked that he stay, and he couldn’t refuse her anything.
There was a first time for everything, and sleeping with his hearing aid still in his ear wasn’t as uncomfortable as he’d expected, as long as he lay on his right side. The sheets and pillows seemed to crackle whenever he moved, but at least he’d hear Anya if she woke. Alistair curled his body protectively around Raina’s and she snuggled against him. As she drifted off to sleep, she murmured words that rent his heart.
‘Thank you for being here, Alistair.’
‘Where else am I going to be? Go to sleep now.’
He lay awake for a long time, staring into the darkness. This had to end. Not tonight, when Raina needed someone there to hold her, but soon. Despite all of her optimism, all her drive to make a better future for herself and Anya, Raina was still
vulnerable. Still alone with a child, and still grieving the loss of her brother and his wife. She needed to go out and find someone who’d be her rock.
And Alistair knew her. Raina would always see her relationship with him, however uncommitted, as a reason not to look elsewhere. She would be faithful to him, even though he didn’t have the right to expect it. Today hadn’t been just an unfortunate oversight, he’d switched his phone off without a thought that Raina might need him. His work mattered and he would probably do the same again.
It hurt more than he could have imagined, but he had one more night. One night when he could watch over the two people who meant more to him than anyone. He wouldn’t waste a moment of it in sleep.
* * *
Alistair had seemed tired the following morning. But he’d insisted on staying for breakfast, removing the dressing on Anya’s forehead and examining the stitches carefully. It was only after he’d made sure that she was all right that he’d left, saying that he had some work to catch up on. Raina had thought about protesting that it was Saturday morning, and that she was sure that whatever it was could wait, but didn’t. Their relationship was so new, and failure had made them both cautious. If, by some chance, they could find a way to succeed this time, it would be a result of taking things slow and steady.
They were both busy. Raina was putting the finishing touches to her talk and meeting with Gabriel to discuss the parent support programme. Alistair was working with the Dream Team on future improvements to the prosthetics, and the rest of his time was spent out of the office, visiting families who had applied to be part of the scheme. She didn’t expect to be able to spend any time with Alistair until the weekend, and the thought that she might see him then was like a golden glow on the horizon, pulling her forward.
* * *
Alistair’s text came unexpectedly on Wednesday evening, asking if he could drop round. Raina texted back a yes and put a bottle of wine in the fridge to cool. Alistair always made it sound as if his visits were going to be short, but they never turned out that way. But when she opened the door to him, his brow was creased.
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