For the Love of Lisa

by Callie Norse

  One last stop was to the florist shop. Greg chose a large casket spray of pink rose buds, with a plum colored ribbon, with gold lettering spelling, Your Loving Husband. For Maggie, he chose a small casket pillow with Mommy embroidered in pink, with one single pink rose bud attached. Lori and Marta had already been there and placed their orders. Lori and Steve asked for a ceramic vase of large pink lilies, purple larkspur, white roses, and miniature purple carnations with a sage green ribbon, with Sister in gold lettering. Marta had ordered a huge basket of shades of pink silk roses and tulips, and white babies breath, with a purple ribbon and silver lettering saying, Best Friend.

  When Greg and Lori got back to the house, they went to the walk-in closet to choose Lisa’s clothes. There, hanging in front of everything, was the designer blend, dark plum suit and pink satin blouse Lisa had bought last spring, when she and Marta went shopping after a lunch date. A plastic bag hung from the same hanger, containing a light pink slip, bra, and panties, which Greg had given her for Valentine’s Day.

  “Oh, my God!” exclaimed Greg.

  He had gotten a pair of slacks from her rack for her just that morning, before leaving for work. These clothes weren’t hanging there then. He knew that, somehow, she knew she would die that day. He began to sob. “Why didn’t I stay home with her? How could I not have known?”

  Steve had taken Maggie out to the farm. She had been told her mommy had gone to heaven. She cried at first, and then soon acted if nothing was wrong. Greg wondered if she understood—she was so young—too young to lose her mommy.

  Before leaving for the funeral home with Lisa’s clothes, Lori told Greg where to find the letter. In Lisa’s jewelry box, he found two pink envelopes, one addressed to Greg, my darling and the other to Maggie. His was left unsealed. He opened it and began to read.

  My dearest, darling Greg,

  If you are reading this, I have passed on to a more beautiful place—if there can really be a place more beautiful than my life with you and Maggie. I have asked Lori to be sure you find this letter soon after my death. Oh, Greg honey, what can I say? I wanted so much to stay with you. You are so precious. Never could I have found a man more wonderful, more loving, or sexier than you. I knew from the moment I met you that you were my love, the man I must spend the rest of my life with. Little did I know that it would be such a short life. God better have a darn good reason for this! We must accept this, and you must go on. You must not grieve for long, honey. Life is too short to spend it in grief. Make Maggie’s days happy ones. She has lost her mommy; don’t let her lose her daddy to grief. God will be sure to help you. I will help you all I can. Surely, God will give me that much.

  In time, you must find someone else to share your life with—a new mommy for Maggie. Yes, honey, I want you to marry again. I know right now this may seem impossible. You will know when the time is right. Please, don’t hesitate on my account. There is no set time that you must be alone before you begin to see another. Who cares what people think! I know you love me and will never forget me. This doesn’t mean you can’t learn to love another. This is what I want for you. You are too young to spend the rest of your life alone—too young and too sexy!

  Maggie is too young to understand the totality of all this. Please see that she gets her letter on her twelfth birthday, when she will be more able to understand. Honey...give her a big kiss for me. I will miss you both, terribly. You know I believe in eternal life. I also believe I will be there with you, helping you with Maggie, helping you to go on, and to move on.

  I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love any man. You have given me the best. I never lacked for anything—especially love. Good-bye my darling.

  Much, Much love,

  Lisa

  After reading this, Greg fell to the floor sobbing. “Oh, Lisa…you can’t be gone!” He lay on the floor continuing to sob—wanting to go with Lisa. He couldn’t bear the thought of going on without her. She was his life and had been since high school. How could this have happened, he wondered? Why did it happen? Two people so much in love should never be separated.

  Then, he thought of Maggie; sweet little Maggie would need him now, more than ever before. He got up off the floor and lay on the bed where Lisa had died. Suddenly, he felt overwhelming warmth and closeness to Lisa. He was exhausted and soon fell asleep.

  In his sleep, he heard Lisa saying, “Greg, you have to be strong. I know this is difficult for you, but you must be strong for Maggie. I love you. I am fine. Please, don’t worry about me. Take care of sweet, little Maggie.” With this he awoke.

  “What just happened? Did I dream Lisa was talking to me? It seemed so real.” It was difficult for him to shake this dream, as it seemed so much like Lisa was there talking to him. He looked at the clock for the first time in hours.

  Maggie would be home soon. Marta had offered to watch Maggie for the day, as they didn’t feel she should be in school today, even though she appeared to be okay. Greg still wondered if she understood Mommy was not coming back.

  So many people were being so good to help out. Many people loved Lisa. What was there not to love about Lisa? She was certainly a special person—one who loved everyone.

  The front door opened, and in came Maggie and Marta. Maggie ran up to Greg and said, “I love you Daddy!” and gave him a big hug. Seemingly happy, she immediately ran into the sewing room.

  Marta told Greg Maggie had appeared to be fine all day. She had told her that Mommy had gone to heaven, without her seeming terribly disturbed. Marta thought, too, that Maggie was unable to comprehend what was happening—for she loved her mommy so much, there was no way she could not be upset, if she understood.

  After Marta left, Greg found Maggie in the wooden rocker in the sewing room, reading and giggling as she rocked. This was puzzling to him. How could she be so happy?

  The next day was the day of Lisa’s visitation. Maggie was again with Marta. Greg had asked the funeral director if he could come to see Lisa late morning. He wanted time to be alone with her. He didn’t want anyone there when he saw her the first time, as he knew he would break down. He dressed in his red lambskin shirt and black turtleneck that he knew Lisa loved so. Yes, it was a little out of season, as it was only late September. It was a cool day, and Greg had been unable to keep warm since Lisa died. He wondered how he could ever be prepared for seeing her. No man as young as he should have to see his wife like this—especially, when she was as precious to him as Lisa was to Greg.

  The funeral director met him at the door, expressed his regards, and took him to Lisa. Greg was overwhelmed—more than overwhelmed! There she lay in the elegant ivory casket, looking so beautiful, as if she had drifted off to sleep—no pain, no worries. He reached over and took her hand. She felt so cold—so unreal—so dead! Tears were streaming down his face. He reached into his pocket, clutched his handkerchief, and wiped away the tears, repeatedly. He tried to hug Lisa. How do you hug your wife who is lying in a casket? He mimicked a hug, the best he could, as he kissed her lips. “My precious, precious Lisa. Don’t leave me, Lisa. I need you!” He stood by her, trying to gain composure—wondering how he could get through this—how he could stand here greeting their friends and family. He finally managed to calm himself somewhat, made an attempt to squeeze her hand, and turned and left without looking back—knowing he would be back in a few hours. He had lost track of time and had no idea how long he had stayed. Time was irrelevant.

  He hardly remembered driving home, where he sat in the parlor for quite some time—thinking, remembering. This room had been extra special to them. It was almost unbearable to think that he would never feel Lisa’s closeness again, as he had experienced in front of this fireplace so many times before she became ill. This house was filled with memories. He could hear her talking and see her in every room.

  Marta arrived with Maggie. She was dressed for the visitation, and as planned, stayed to help Maggie get dressed. Greg hadn’t thought he could manage by himself—not y
et. Lori had laid Maggie’s clothes out earlier, a little pink knit suit Lisa had bought late summer. Lori wondered, when she saw it, if Lisa bought it intentionally for her funeral.

  Maggie seemed a bit quieter than normal. She ran into the sewing room when she first arrived, quietly looked around, then went back to be with Greg. She could see tears in his eyes and knew he was sad. Greg picked her up and hugged her. He was at a loss for words. His grasp on her, told her he was very upset. “Daddy, it’s time for my bath. Marta will help me get dressed to go see Mommy.” Greg put her down, and she ran toward Marta.

  Marta rode to the funeral home with them. They were to have thirty minutes alone with Lisa before the visitation was to begin. Maggie took Greg’s hand as they got out of the car. They slowly walked toward the door. Marta thought how proud Lisa would be of how handsome Greg looked in his dark gray suit. He had chosen a white dress shirt and the plum tie Lisa had bought for him, the same day she bought her plum suit. Greg was in no hurry to go in. He was afraid of his reaction and Maggie’s, too. He knew this would also be terribly difficult for Marta, as she and Lisa had been close for so many years. As they were walking in, Lori and Steve drove up, and followed them in.

  The room was dimly lit. The elegant ivory casket sat in the far corner of the large room. The room was scented with the fragrance of the many beautiful bouquets, plants, and baskets of flowers. The candelabras at each end of the casket gave off soft lighting, which accented Lisa’s beauty. Greg, still holding Maggie’s hand, led her to the casket.

  Maggie stood quietly in front of the casket staring up at Lisa with her big blue eyes. She turned and looked at Greg, then Marta, then Lori and Steve. “Why is Mommy asleep in that pretty box?” she asked.

  At that moment, no one was able to speak. The words seemed to stick in their throats. Marta was overcome by seeing Lisa; the embroidered “Our precious love”, took her by surprise. She had never seen a casket so special and so appropriate for Lisa.

  Greg remembered Lisa’s words, “Be strong for Maggie.”

  He then answered Maggie’s question, “Mommy isn’t asleep, honey. Remember, we told you she died and has gone to heaven to live with Jesus?”

  Maggie was puzzled, so puzzled she said no more. She was back and forth between the four of them, not knowing quite what to think. “Mommy’s asleep, I know she is,” she told Lori.

  Greg had been undecided whether Maggie should even attend the visitation. It was difficult for him to make any decisions. He knew only one thing for sure. Lisa was no longer alive. He had lost his precious Lisa. Marta and Lori had talked and decided Maggie should go to the visitation with them.

  Many people filed past Lisa’s casket—so many tears and expressions of sympathy. Somehow, Greg got through it.

  Maggie was quiet as they drove back to the house. She was the first one out of the car. As soon as Greg unlocked the door, she ran into the sewing room and hopped into the wooden rocker with a book. She was soon giggling as if nothing had happened. Greg could hear her from the other rooms, giggling as she read to her babies.

  *****

  Greg awoke early the next morning, the day of the funeral—if he slept at all. He felt he hadn’t. How could he sleep knowing he was to say his final good-byes to his one and only love—his precious love? He and Lisa had agreed what they had found with each other was something most couples never find in a lifetime. Their love for one another was obvious to all. They had maintained that special glow throughout their marriage. Many couples lose this early in their marriage, if they have had it at all. Maggie’s birth had enhanced their love. She was such a beautiful child, always well behaved and loving. They had spoken of this many times, how she seemed to radiate from the love the two of them shared. She lived in a home with more love than most little children. How could it be any different, with the love Greg and Lisa felt for each other? This had always made life so enjoyable. They knew only love—never arguing, never even a cross word. With a home like this, Maggie couldn’t be anything other than loveable.

  Greg thought of how much they had wanted a brother or sister for Maggie; how Lisa had thought she was pregnant when she first became ill with the cancer. Oh, how wrong she was—the disappointment she must have felt. Throughout her illness she remained strong, never seeming to feel sorry for herself. She was the strongest and most wonderful person Greg had ever known. To say good-bye to her was unthinkable. How could he do this? How would he get through it? Maggie’s reaction was nagging at him. How could she remain happy and giggly throughout all of this?

  Marta arrived early to help Greg get Maggie ready for the funeral. Few words were spoken. Neither was up to talking, each was deep in thought, when Maggie surprised them both.

  “Is Mommy coming with us today?”

  Somewhat shocked, after a hesitation, Marta answered, “Yes, Mommy will be there.”

  They arrived at the funeral home forty-five minutes before the funeral. Only family was to be there at this time. Greg, Marta, and Lori all had a difficult time.

  Maggie appeared more puzzled than before. “Why is Mommy still asleep?” she asked Greg. She asked that he lift her up so she could see her mommy. Maggie didn’t take her eyes off Lisa for quite some time. Eventually, she told Greg he could put her down, and added, “Mommy must be very sleepy.”

  When it came time to say the final good-bye before going to the church, Steve took Maggie on ahead of the rest. She didn’t need to see how badly Greg and the ladies were going to react.

  Greg found it unbearable to say good-bye. He leaned down and kissed Lisa, giving her a mock hug, as he said, “Bye doll,” tears streaming down his face.

  Marta and Lori each walked beside him, practically holding him up.

  They got into the limo with Steve and Maggie. It was a short ride to St. Mary’s church.

  Maggie wondered why they were stopping at the church. After all, it wasn’t Sunday. As they got out of the car, Maggie saw the pallbearers carrying the casket into the church. “Is that Mommy’s pretty bed? It looks different. It looks like a pretty toy box with the lid closed. Where’s Mommy? Why are we sitting in the front? We usually sit in the middle of the church. Why is Mommy’s bed in the aisle beside us? Why is Daddy crying?” Maggie was glad when the service was over. She heard many muffled cries. Nothing made any sense to her.

  As they drove into the cemetery, Maggie was even more puzzled. “Why is the man bringing us to the place with all the big rocks with names on them. I have been here before with mommy. We put flowers by the rock with Grandma Nicholson’s name on it. Why is Mommy’s pretty bed here?”

  Maggie was even more confused when they got back into the car and went to the church for lunch. “Where is Mommy’s bed now? Daddy, I want to go home and see Mommy!” she cried. “Daddy, Daddy, where is Mommy? I want to go see Mommy!”

  Greg took Maggie home and tried to explain to her how Mommy was with Jesus, as they had discussed earlier. Maggie cried and cried. She ran from Greg’s arms into the sewing room, where she and Lisa had spent so many hours. She climbed into the rocking chair and began to rock rhythmically. She soon stopped crying and fell fast asleep.

  With Maggie quiet, Greg slipped away from the crowded house full of well meaning friends and family. The horrible emptiness in his heart seemed to multiply by each second, with no place to be alone. Relatives were looking at a picture album, laughing, and remembering the good times. This seemed so heartless to Greg. Lisa was gone. They were laughing. How could they?

  He drove into the cemetery and stopped a few feet from Lisa’s grave. The grave had been closed; the sod was carefully put back in place, and the flowers were on the grave—some already beginning to wilt. Greg knelt in front of the small pewter marker that read Lisa Margaret Carrington Wrights Funeral Home. Here he was, finally alone with Lisa, away from the many relatives back at the house. He lay on the grave beside the flowers, stretching his arms out over the grave as he sobbed, “Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…how did this happen? My precious baby.
” He wanted to hold her and kiss away the pain. Even though he knew she was no longer in pain, it was extremely difficult to believe she could no longer feel. He and Lisa were quite religious, each believing in eternal life. He knew in his heart that she was now in a better place. He wanted to be selfish. He wanted her back. After awhile, the tears subsided. He got up on his knees and took two pink rose buds from the casket spray for he and Maggie. He slowly stood up and walked away, passing the graves next to Lisa’s, with the headstone marked Nicholson—Doris Margaret and Claude Henry, his heart heavier with each step. One thing he knew was that Lisa was now with her mom and dad. She had hardly known her dad, as he had passed away when she was only three.

  Greg must have driven around for hours. When he returned home, only Marta was there with Maggie. The house felt cold and empty. Maggie was helping Marta clean up the kitchen. There was an abundance of food left—food that had been brought in by so many wonderful friends and neighbors. Marta had decided to freeze some of it for Greg to use later.

  Marta sensed Greg wanted to be alone with Maggie, so she left as soon as she had the food taken care of. Greg sat remembering—so many thoughts of Lisa. The emptiness was setting in. Maggie was quite calm now. She sat quietly thinking over the day’s events. She knew everyone was telling her Mommy was with Jesus now. What did that mean? Why was she always asleep in that pretty bed at the church and the place with the big rocks? There was much confusion in her little head. Greg tucked her into bed and sat by her side until she fell asleep, which took much longer than usual. He walked down the spiral staircase and sat in front of the fireplace in the parlor for what must have been hours.