Grossopedia

by Rachel Federman

  What the Fungi!

  It sounds gross, but what are fungi exactly? They’re parasitic plant organisms that can grow without sunlight. Mold, yeast, and mildew are all various types of fungi. Some xsattach themselves to your bathtub and some to your body! The cell walls of fungi differ from cell walls in plants in that they contain chitin rather than cellulose. Not all fungi are bad, however. What about mushrooms on your pizza? They’re a kind of fungus! Stay away from the poisonous death cap variety, however, as they’re easily confused with the Paddy Straw.

  All Set for Baby

  When setting up a nursery for a baby, one would be ill advised to copy a fly. They tend to lay their eggs in rather unpleasant places like manure or meat. Sometimes botfly eggs even hatch in a human being’s skin, popping out when they’re fully formed maggots.

  Did You Know? You may be scared of your neighbor’s Rottweiler, but if you live in NYC, you’re more likely to be bitten by a rat than a dog. About 300 people are bitten annually in the city. Where’s that Rat Whisperer when you need him?

  Cheese, Please—and Don’t Forget the Bacteria

  Many people know that blue cheese or gorgonzola contains mold—but there’s bacteria in every kind of cheese; that’s how it’s made, by adding bacteria to milk. In Swiss cheese, the carbon dioxide gas created by the bacteria Propionibacterium shermanni creates the signature holes.

  Be an Expert! Food poisoning is most often caused by salmonella bacteria.

  What Part about Dessert Did You not Understand?

  There’s always room for JELL-O, but not if it’s mixed with lettuce and cucumbers! In the 1950s, JELL-O salad was commonplace—and not the yummy marshmallow and cherry kind you may have tried at your great aunt Bessie’s summer picnic. Gracing the tables of Leave it to Beaver-type dining-room tables was a real salad—carrots, celery, radishes—mixed in with lemon JELL-O. And even that’s not as weird as some of the actual flavors they once had: Italian salad, coffee, celery, and tomato were all once bona fide flavors. What a surprise they didn’t catch on!

  Passing on Bacteria

  Disposable diapers are an environmental hazard, but they save parents from the hazardous fact that washing machines don’t always kill the bacteria on soiled underwear. Of course, that’s no help for those of us who use the public laundromat (and the gross part isn’t what’s in your bag on laundry day, but what was in the machine before you used it). On the flip side, the number of disposable diapers piling up in landfills is pretty terrifying, too (see Earth, Breaking Wind, and Fire).

  World’s Grossest Pets

  Come on, people—did you miss the part about how pets are meant to be fluffy and cute? You’re supposed to want to cuddle with them and pet them; that’s how they got the name! Here are some pets people insist on keeping:

  • Tarantula (don’t let it escape!)

  • Madagascar hissing cockroach (this hisser can grow up to 4 inches long)

  • Millipede

  • Walking stick or stick insect

  • Snake

  • Giant rat (see Monster Rat)

  • Rabbits (disclaimer: they’re adorable, but some people object to the endless streams of excrement)

  (For more on roaches as pets, See Here, Little Roachie Or you can opt to eat them instead. For candy ones, See Halloween High Jinks. But maybe you’re up for the real thing. If so, check out Mouthwatering Frights)

  If your parents won’t let you have a pet, at least you’ve always got your eyelash mites. For more on these tiny critters, See I See You

  As gross as the stuff in your house may be, what’s out there—in the neighborhood pool, the ocean, and even outer space—will give you a real case of the heebie-jeebies—or, as the British say, the screaming habdabs.

  Better Luck in Your Next Life

  People routinely die on their way up Mount Everest and are often left there, frozen for eternity—sometimes right near the trail where others continue to make their way. As of 2010, there were over 100 bodies scattered around in what’s known as the “death zone,” many quite well-preserved.

  Amount of Pee in Public Pools

  You may not love the taste of chlorine, but be glad it’s there to keep things tidy. Approximately one-fifth of the swimmers in public pools admit to peeing while swimming.

  Chemical Warfare

  Thank goodness for chlorine in public pools, which combats the ick factor of doing the doggy paddle in water mixed with urine (see last page) and a host of other bodily fluids. Still, it’s a bit disturbing to find out that chlorine is a poisonous gas that was used by the Germans in WWI. Being gassed by chlorine is a painful way to go. French victims died slowly as the chemical destroyed their lungs, until a lack of oxygen finally did them in.

  Sticky Sidewalks

  Have you ever heard someone tell you that chewing gum lasts forever in your belly? That’s not true. Though swallowing excessive amounts could lead to problems, a piece or two—while not recommended—will get broken down eventually. A glop that flops onto the sidewalk, by contrast, is there for good, or at least until someone scrapes it off, a process that costs the government a fair amount of money. Petrochemicals make chewing gum sticky enough to adhere to the street. We’ve all seen the ugly black splotches a piece of Doublemint turns into; they’re anything but minty fresh.

  Earth-Friendly Flush

  Here’s a brief (coarse) course in an ecological approach to flushing your toilet: If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.

  Space Junk

  It may be out of sight, out of mind for some of us, but the litter in space is starting to worry scientists. Right now, billions of pieces of trash are in orbit around us. And it just keeps getting worse. As Evan I. Schwartz wrote in Wired magazine in 2010, “The number of manufactured objects cluttering the sky is now expected to double every few years, as large objects weaken and split apart and new collisions create more…debris, leading to yet more collisions.” Unlike the pigpen that somehow passes for your bedroom, this is a mess we really have to clean up!

  Be an Expert! Space debris makes its orbit around Earth at 17,500 miles per hour. That’s some fast trash!

  Plastic Land Mass

  Out in the middle of the North Pacific Ocean is a pile of garbage so massive, it’s estimated to be at least as big as the state of Texas, if not double the size. The Great Eastern Garbage Patch is a collection of debris reined in by a gyre. As far back as 1988, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration wrote a paper forecasting its existence.

  IN THE KNOW

  Gyre: an ocean current shaped in a vortex pattern

  Bring the Jungle in

  Sure, bugs and pillow mites are unpleasant, but for the most part, harmless. Rather than worry about a daddy longlegs staring at you from the window ledge, worry about actual poison around your house in synthetic materials, harsh chemicals, and mold. You can easily improve indoor air quality the natural way. Crysanthemums, the lovely fall flower, are great air purifiers. English ivy and lady palm, as well as peace lilies, will all help cut down on toxins in your house. Bamboo plants target formaldehyde.

  A 19th-century nursery rhyme describes girls as being made of sugar and spice and everything nice and boys of frogs and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails. Neither is quite on the mark, but the description for boys comes closer to the truth. You don’t have to go far—in fact, you don’t have to go anywhere—to find some of the yuckiest stuff around; the human body produces all kinds of slimy, germy-ridden stuff. Plus, it’s absolutely crawling with bacteria. Take any body part—even an eyelash—put it under a microscope, and you’ll swear you’re watching Gremlins.

  Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day?

  Here are just a few of the gross things found in or on the human body: zits, boils, carbuncles, bile, pus, scabs, sweat, blood, snot, mucus, and eye gunk. Oh, and moles. Is a hairy mole still considered a beauty mark? (Maybe it depends on how the hair is styled.)

  Watery Feces by Any Othe
r Name Would Smell as Terrible

  You know how Alaskans (supposedly) have dozens of words for snow? Well, there’s a tribe in South America that has dozens of words for…diarrhea. There are a few colorful expressions for it in English as well. The squirts, colon blow, Delhi belly, Aztec two step, the runs, anal leak, and the scoots. And, of course, there’s that disgusting crossover use for when someone won’t stop talking: “verbal diarrhea.”

  Did You Know? What’s the sweatiest part of your body? Your feet? Armpits? Groin area? Back? Forehead? Nope, it’s usually your hands!

  Be an Expert! What is diarrhea? It’s your body’s attempt to clean out something that has bacteria or was too spicy for your body to tolerate. In most cases, water is removed from food in the large intestines, but in the case of the food, your body wants it out of there fast, so more water joins the log flume, and out it goes.

  There’s a Hair in My Mouth—and It’s Supposed to Be There!

  Your tongue is covered with microvilli—tiny projections from the cells that make up your taste buds. Those little hairs are the vehicle for transporting info to your brain about what you are tasting.

  Furry Lingua

  There is a condition where your tongue grows lots of black, icky hair that is NOT supposed to be there. It’s called lingua villosa nigra—literally, black, hairy tongue. Smoking, not cleaning your mouth well enough, and certain mouth rinses are all associated risk factors. According to the Mayo Clinic: “an overgrowth of bacteria” leads to a tongue with “a dark, furry appearance.” The good news is it’s easy to treat. Maybe you don’t even have to tell anyone you have it. If you feel like leaking word of your unusual condition, bite your tongue!

  “Man is a museum of diseases,

  a home of impurities; he comes today

  and is gone tomorrow; he begins as dirt

  and departs as stench.”

  —MARK TWAIN

  Drink Water, Smell Better

  Dehydration is one of the leading causes of bad breath (hence, the champion dragon of morning breath, coming after 6–8 hours of decreased saliva production). Low-carb diets can contribute to monster breath as well, due to ketones released when your body “breaks down fat.” What about chronic bad breath? That’s called halitosis.

  Wash that Hair Right offa Your Head

  If your shower drain seems to be clogged with hair after every shampoo, don’t stress (which might only cause more hair loss). On average, humans lose between 50—100 hairs a day. So don’t pull your hair out, but do clean the drain!

  Did You Know? The longest ear hairs ever recorded were 6 inches each. Sew them together and you could make some nice socks!

  Hold Your Tongue

  The old wives’ tale that people have died by swallowing their tongues is not true. The frenulum underneath the tongue holds it firmly—if flexibly—in place.

  The Virtues of Earwax

  Doctors recommend letting earwax, like an annoying houseguest, leave on its own time rather than clearing it out with a cotton swab. Unlike the second-cousin twice removed, the wax is there for a reason, namely to keep bacteria and dirt out of your ear. It protects against creepy crawlies creeping in there, too, but not in every case (see Got Roach?). So let the wax and the guest stay, although you may remind the latter of Benjamin Franklin’s clever line: “Fish and visitors smell in three days.” Then again, the guest may simply respond by saying fish sounds like a great idea for dinner.

  Did You Know? Burping is a rather inefficient process—you swallow air every time you belch.

  GROSS BODY STATISTICS

  421,575

  = average number of farts issued from a single butt in a lifetime

  1⁄3 pound

  = daily poop output

  60,000 miles

  = how long your blood vessels would be if you laid them end to end

  1 quart

  = amount of snot swallowed daily

  7.5 grams

  = combined weight of your eyebrows

  10 pounds

  = weight of your skin

  Flatulence Habit

  On average, humans fart about 14 times a day, with no significant difference in output between genders. There are certain products on the market meant to reduce emissions, and others that block the fumes of the ones that do slip out.

  Did You Know? The biggest organ in your body is your skin.

  Piggy-Tails

  The hairs inside your nose are there for a reason. They’re there to stop germs and dirt from getting in. That doesn’t mean when they’re long enough to braid that you’re immune from all diseases, so keep those clippers handy.

  All Along the Pipeline

  It depends where you are along the pipeline, but you’re dealing with the same thing whether you’re a proctologist (if you don’t know what that is, here’s a hint: proktos means “anus” in Greek) or a plumber. Then again, even a gourmet chef has a place on the gastrointestinal track. After all, what goes out must come in.

  Be an Expert! Have you ever noticed that your pee is unusually dark yellow? It could be a sign that you are dehydrated. If it doesn’t have enough water, your body revisits the urine it was going to release and gathers every last drop it can. What remains has a higher concentration than usual of the stuff your body doesn’t want.

  Fab Scabs

  Scabs are especially yucky when separated from the body—which is always a risk when you pick at them—but they’re an essential and fascinating part of the body’s healing process. How do they form? When you get a cut, blood leaks out (or rushes out, depending on the size of the scrape). Platelets in the blood collect at the exit to block the bleeding, and threads of something called fibrin create a net. Red and white blood cells get caught in the net and pile up until a clot (a soft lump) forms. Eventually, the clot hardens into a scab, which feels like a very tough piece of skin. The scab is sort of like an umbrella, keeping the open area clean and dry while new skin grows.

  I See You

  Eyelash mites eat the oil and dead skin around and in your eyes. They don’t seem to bother most people, but experts disagree as to their role in diseases. Some people may have allergies or weakened immune systems, which leave them vulnerable to various disorders caused by these critters, which are known to inch across your face while you sleep.

  Do Your Ears Swing Low?

  Is it true that ears never stop growing? Preliminary research suggests that they keep growing until you die. Many claim your nose and feet do as well. If your feet grow at the same rate as you shrink with age, your total length will stay the same.

  Boogie-Loogie

  The word “loogie” isn’t used as much as it once was. We’ve really only ever heard it used in the expression “hock a loogie,” which means to spit a great big glob of mucus. The expression itself is a nice little lesson in etymology. “Hock” is onomatopoeic, meaning that it’s meant to sound like what it refers to. “Loogie,” a combination of the two words “lung” and “cookie” (in both meaning and sound), is a portmanteau. Who said you couldn’t impress your English teacher while secretly memorizing gross facts?

  A Frog in Your Throat

  Got phlegm in your throat? You may have post-nasal drip! What happens is that the nasal tissues are overproducing mucus that then creeps its way down toward your tonsils. And it can lead to some pretty serious dragon breath!

  IN THE KNOW

  Blow chunks: to hurl, throw up, lose your lunch, spew. Any way you say it, it’s how you do it that matters. The expression is so horrific, it could be the basis of a new figure of speech, like an onomatopoeia, but instead of sounding like what it is, hearing the word makes you do the thing it describes.

  Lucky Upchuck

  Throwing up is pretty gross, but it is how your body gets rid of something that’s not good for it. Better out than in.

  Hot-Shot Snot

  Do you envy the cheetah for its speed? For short distances, those wild cats can reach about 80 miles per hour. But even if your legs can�
��t carry you even one-tenth as fast, your snot may be in the running. A good ah-choo can send those mucus particles flying at an average speed of 60 miles per hour. That’s nothing to sneeze at.

  Bloody Tears

  For real-life viruses that sound like horror movies, nothing beats Ebola hemorrhagic fever caused by the Ebola virus, which causes the victim to bleed uncontrollably, even through the eyes. (There’s an animal that does this naturally, to scare away predators. see Did You Know about the horny toad, pg. 46.)