Always Closer

by Amelia Harlow

  ‘No?’ he asked, curiously.

  ‘My mum had just passed away and I wasn’t coping well with it. I’d had a public breakdown at an important charity benefit, it was really all quite embarrassing for me and my ex. So basically, anyone with any pull in the community thought I was a bit nuts. That’s why he lashed out at me I guess, I think I was tainting his image.’

  ‘Fucking hell. What he did to you is inexcusable. To do that to you when you really needed support... I swear, if I ever get the chance to meet that fucking monster...’

  ‘Let’s hope you don’t.’ I said, genuinely concerned for his safety.

  Hudson was shaking his head in disbelief, knowing that he had to accept what had happened to me. I could see that the thought of it was hurting him.

  ‘Tell me if it’s going too far, but can I ask what he did to cause that?’

  ‘He threw me into a glass cabinet.’ I didn’t hesitate to tell him.

  Hudson swallowed hard as if he was getting choked up. He stopped walking and pulled me into him, wrapping his arms tight around me.

  ‘I’m so sorry. I’m just so glad you found the courage to leave him. Walking away from abusive relationships isn’t easy.’

  ‘You sound like you’re speaking from experience.’

  We started walking again side by side.

  ‘Yeah, I guess I am. Mine was more emotionally abusive though. My ex, Jen, was a drug addict and I didn’t know until I was in too deep. When I wanted to leave her she’d threaten things, you know, and tell me it would be my fault if she ever did those things. Real hard to walk away from.’

  ‘I bet.’

  We walked along the road and Hudson kicked the stones out of his way.

  ‘You know, I still think you should report your ex for what he did to you.’

  ‘He has the best lawyers, I really don’t stand a chance.’

  ‘If money is the problem, let me take care of it.’ I could see his mind ticking over, a silent rage against Alex boiling deep inside him.

  ‘I’d never let you do that Hudson, you barely know me.’

  ‘I know you enough to know you didn’t deserve what happened to you, and I know right from wrong. He shouldn’t be allowed to get away with what he did. It’s as simple as that.’

  Hudson and I argued the points back and forth until I needed to tell him the truth about everything, so that he could really understand. I explained every detail about everything as we walked home. Hudson listened closely to everything I was telling him, his eyes were full of sadness and pity for me. I didn’t want him to pity me, but I guess it was hard for him not to. I told him how I had escaped from Alex and that he was most definitely trying to find me. Hudson now understood that if I got the police involved there would be a way for him to find me, he’d get access to their systems and he’d track me down.

  ‘The scariest part, is that I don’t know what he’d do if he found me.’ My mind started drifting into dark places again, and the anxiety began creeping in.

  ‘So you’re certain he’s still out there looking for you?’

  ‘Absolutely, I know too much about the things he’s done, and now I’ve made myself a liability.’

  ‘How are you planning on living like this for the rest of your life?’

  ‘I’m not sure, I haven’t got it all figured out just yet.’

  ‘Well, let’s figure it out together.’ Hudson wrapped his arm around me and I felt so safe for the first time in a long time.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Bec looked swollen where every part of the human body could swell. I’d seen a lot of pregnant women in my time, and I could tell that Bec was going to go into labour within days. I was hoping it would be when her husband got back so I wouldn’t have to be part of an emergency delivery. I was however comforted by the fact that the hospital was a very quick drive away. I’d packed my overnight bag and it was mostly filled with chocolate though as per Bec’s request. I had very few personal items in there, definitely the most useless overnight bag I had ever packed. She would argue that point though as she thanked me immensely for loading the bag with chocolate. I joined her on the couch and put my feet up on the ottoman, which made us both laugh when we noticed the extreme difference between the size of our feet. I pushed on her puffy feet and could feel how much fluid was in them.

  ‘Definitely keep these elevated as much as you can please!’

  Bec laughed and agreed to my instructions. ‘Should they be this bad?’

  ‘They’re fine, but you just need to stay off them as much as possible.’

  ‘It’s so hard just sitting around and doing nothing, I keep finding chores to do to keep myself occupied. I labelled all the food containers in the cupboard today. Honestly, people should not let a bored pregnant lady near a label maker. Thank god you came around when you did.’

  I laughed, ‘I get it, but, woman, you need to slow down!’

  We settled into the couch to watch a movie, it was a comedy but Bec must have cried five times. Each cry however, was followed by laughter at how ridiculous her emotions were being.

  ‘So what’s the latest with your love life?’ Bec asked bluntly.

  ‘I don’t know if I’d call it a love life, but everything is good with Hudson and I now, if that’s what you mean?’

  Bec squealed with excitement and raised her eyebrows in a way that asked me to tell her more.

  ‘I still don’t know what I’m doing though,’ I said, ‘I’ve been thinking I should contact Alex and try and sort things out with him.’

  ‘You know that sounds like a crazy idea right?’

  I shrugged my shoulders and Bec continued to give me her opinion. ‘If you call him I’m guessing he’ll then have a way to track your call, find where you are and then what? You said it yourself that you’re worried he’d hurt you or Hudson, so I don’t think that’s a great idea.’

  ‘That’s why I’m in two minds about Hudson. I want to get closer to him, but the closer I get, the greater the chance that he’ll get caught up in this and maybe get hurt. I don’t think it’s worth the risk.’

  ‘Maybe you should let him decide for himself if it’s worth it,’ she suggested.

  I told her about everything I’d told Hudson earlier that day, and Bec said I shouldn’t worry so much.

  ‘Just don’t contact Alex and everything will be fine. I don’t think he’s going to listen to you. I think he’ll want to find you and make sure he finds a way to keep you quiet. Whether it’s blackmail, or something more sinister, I don’t know. But from what you’ve told me about him, it’s not going to be a good result.’

  ‘I just want my life back, I don’t want to keep worrying about the day he turns up. How else am I supposed to get on with things and move forward?’ I asked.

  ‘I’m not sure, but I don’t think this will be the right way.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said, acknowledging her advice.

  ‘Don’t make me worry about you, I’ve got enough on my plate,’ she said.

  ‘Enough chocolate!’ I joked.

  She looked at the plate next to her, loaded with all sorts of chocolate treats, and we both laughed, but then she very quickly gave me a deadpan look.

  ‘But seriously’.

  ‘I know Bec, I know.’

  We went back to focusing on the movie and within five minutes Bec was fast asleep. I moved off the couch and made room for her exhausted body to lay down. She was half asleep as I moved her legs up onto the couch and propped a pillow under her head. Her own bed would have been better, but she was way to too tired to move and there was no way I could carry her on my own. I moved down to the spare room and thought about contacting Alex. I played out as many different scenarios in my head as I could, and none of them really ended that well. But, there was a chance he would see that I don’t want any trouble and I just want to get on with my life. I was clinging to the hope that he would see that.

  With my head on the pillow, I was staring at the ceiling and wishing
I was in bed with Hudson, cuddled up against him, safe in his arms. I’d never felt safe with Alex, so this was such a huge contrast for me. What I was feeling when I was with Hudson was so new to me, and it filled me with so much happiness, that even the thought of him made me smile.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about him, so I sent him a text message.

  *I can’t wait for you to show me those things you want to do*

  A reply came back really fast, *Neither can I*

  Then another followed *I’ve got the next few days free. I hope we can make the most of them.*

  *We will* I replied.

  I laid awake on the bed thinking about Hudson, and also about Alex. There was no way to know what Alex was thinking unless I talked to him, and the urge to call him kept growing. I wasn’t sure he would believe me if I told him I don’t want any trouble. After what he did to me, it was reasonable to assume he’d think I want revenge. All I really wanted was to move on with my life. The one thing holding me back was Hudson, because I knew Alex would not be able to control his jealousy and I knew he would hurt Hudson as soon as he had the chance.

  It wouldn’t be the first time Alex’s jealousy resulted in violence. It started slowly but became gradually worse over the years. I first noticed this side to him whenever we were out, at a bar or event and men would approach me. There weren’t that many chances for it to happen, as Alex often wouldn’t let me out of his sight, but there would be the times he went to the bathroom, or in group settings where I would mostly be around the other women and that’s when men would approach me. As soon as Alex would see it, he’d swoop in, place his hand firmly on their shoulder and say “On your way” whilst directing them away with a nod of his head. Most of the men appeared shocked by his behaviour and intimidating body language so they usually walked away without saying a word.

  On one occasion, the man who approached me wasn’t overly intimidated by Alex. Alex used his same routine only this time the man didn’t walk away, instead he said, ‘Get your hand off me.’

  Within a split second Alex had punched the man in the stomach, and then the ribs, leaving the man gasping for air as he took my hand and casually walked me outside. I was in shock as I had never seen him hit someone before.

  ‘What is wrong with you! He didn’t do anything!’ I yelled at him when we got out into the street.

  He grabbed me firm around my upper arm, pulled me close to him and growled, ‘Don’t raise your voice to me.’

  His grip released and he walked ahead of me, I followed behind unsure of myself.

  The next time something like this happened it was a lot worse. We were at a bar with some of Alex’s business partners, and I was drinking with the women a few meters away from them. A man approached me and was quite flirtatious. I told him he should walk away before my partner comes over. He could sense that I was scared for him and he looked at me with concern, not for himself, but for me. Of course Alex swooped in before I could say anything else. The man refused to walk away as Alex had instructed, so Alex stepped between us and dragged me away. The man verbally abused Alex and walked alongside us for a few steps, puffing out his chest and bumping into Alex, Alex sat me down at the table with his business partners and didn’t let his eyes wander from the man who had approached me. About twenty minutes later Alex sprung up from his chair and made a direct line to the mens room. I kept my eyes on the men’s room door, and he emerged no more than thirty seconds later. I knew something was wrong by the fierce look he had in his eyes as he walked towards me. He told me to get up and we left. We walked down the street to the car.

  ‘What did you do?’ I was scared to ask.

  ‘Nothing,’ he replied, with a smug grin as he unlocked the car.

  I sat down in the passenger seat as Alex started the engine, then I looked over at him and saw splatters of blood on his hands as they rested on the steering wheel.

  ‘Oh my god.’ The words fell out of my mouth. I was in shock and started to cry.

  ‘He’ll live. Calm down.’

  ‘What have you done!’ I yelled.

  Alex leant over with his face almost pressed against mine and growled, ‘It was self-defence. Okay!’

  I didn’t answer. I looked away from him and continued sobbing. He grabbed my face with one of his bloodied hands, forcing me to face him. He pushed hard into my cheeks and jaw so much that it hurt.

  ‘Okay!’ he shouted.

  I nodded and tears rolled down my face.

  This was just Alex’s aggression when it was a result of jealously. His aggression and violence extended much further beyond jealously. It didn’t seem fair to bring Hudson into this, and as much as I wanted to try and sort things out with Alex, I couldn’t bear the thought of Hudson getting hurt. I figured I would always be on the run from Alex.

  Bec didn’t go into labour during the night, and I was so relieved. I didn’t stay around long in the morning. I just had a cup of coffee and made her some breakfast, which she was very grateful for. When I got in the car to drive home, I was filled with so much excitement about seeing Hudson again, that I simply couldn’t wait. I turned the keys in the ignition and drove towards his house to surprise him. The fresh air was flowing through the window and sending my hair dancing around my head. I sang along with the radio and couldn’t keep from smiling, with my excitement growing the closer I got to his house. I was hoping he’d enjoy the surprise.

  Luckily the front gates were open and I could drive all the way down to the house. It was quite the walk otherwise. As I got closer to the house I could see two people on the top balcony. There was Hudson and a beautiful blonde woman. My stomach sank. She was wearing a bath robe and Hudson was handing her a mug. They had both seen the car by this point and Hudson raised his hand to wave to me, then turned and darted through the french doors back inside. I turned the car around as fast as I could and spun the tyres by accident as I drove off, kicking the dirt and rocks into the air. I felt so sick thinking I had started to trust him. I felt like such a fool. Tears were streaming down my face and my breaths were scattered and uncontrolled as I tried to gather them and pull myself together. I was so mad at Hudson, but even more mad at myself for trusting him. I thought about Jake and the women at the restaurant. Jake must have been telling the truth and Hudson was the one who had lied to my face about it. It was sickening to think he could do that to me so easily.

  That was the moment I decided to stop running from everything. I turned off down the first road that lead to the ocean. Up ahead I could see the blue of the sea and the sky meet on the horizon, and I headed towards it. Reaching the end of the road and the edge of the cliff I took out my phone and I dialled Alex.

  He picked up, unaware of who was calling.

  ‘What do you want from me?’ I growled down the phone, feeling more angry than anything.

  ‘I’ve been looking for you for a long time.’ His voice was hard and cold.

  ‘What do you want!’ I yelled down the phone.

  ‘Don’t raise your voice to me,’ he threatened.

  Suddenly I was back in that relationship. I was submitting to him and again under his control. I fell silent.

  ‘You took something from me, and I need it back.’

  I was still silent. I felt like I couldn’t move.

  ‘Are you going to give it back to me?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did you make copies?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. Are you going to tell me the truth?’

  ‘I’m telling you the truth.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. Why do you always make me beat the truth out of you?’ He hung on the word “beat” and it sent chills down my spine. I started to cry again. ‘See you soon,’ he warned.

  There was a sudden bang on my window, it startled me and I dropped the phone as I turned towards the window. It was Hudson. He could see that I had been crying, and he pulled open the door. I scrambled to pick up the phone and hung up on Alex as fa
st as I could.

  ‘What’s going on? Are you okay?’

  He was kneeling at the side of the car, then wrapped his arms around me to comfort me. I latched onto him as heavy breaths raced into my lungs. Then I realised what I was doing and pushed him off me.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ His voice was soft and full of concern.

  I looked at him bewildered. ‘Are you serious?’

  He looked back at me with so much confusion. I looked away from him, because I didn’t want to see his face.

  Through the tears and shallow breaths I asked, ‘Am I supposed to be okay with that?’

  ‘With what?’

  ‘With you spending the night with other women?’

  ‘Whoah! Mae! No…That woman is my sister.’

  ‘What?’ I said.

  ‘That was my sister!’ He was grossed out by what I had said but continued explaining himself, ‘I thought I told you she was staying with me for a few weeks?’

  Now I felt really stupid.

  ‘I’m so embarrassed. I don’t remember that.’ I buried my face in my hands.

  He let out a little laugh. ‘I’m so sorry, maybe I never mentioned it. I could’ve sworn I did. You can come back and meet her right now if you want? I’m sure she’d love to meet you. I’ve kind of been talking about you non stop,’ he said.

  I let out a little smile.

  ‘I trust you Hudson, I’m so sorry I’ve done this again. I’m a mess, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Hey, it’s okay. To be fair, you were right to think something was up. If I didn’t tell you she was staying, how would you know?’ he said.

  I apologised profusely and he shrugged it off like it wasn’t a big deal. His hand rubbed against my thigh gently as he looked up at me smiling. I still had tears coming from my eyes. He wiped them away then kissed me on the cheek.

  ‘Hudson,’ I said, then started to cry again, ‘I called Alex.’

  ‘Why?’ he asked, very confused.

  ‘I’ve been wanting to call him, to tell him I’m not out to get him, that I don’t want any trouble and that his secrets are safe with me in hope that he would just let me be and leave me alone. But, I didn’t want to do that when there was a chance you could get pulled into it all, because I don’t want to put you in danger. I was so mad when I left your house that for me it was over with you and I, and I had so much anger in me that I just wanted to call Alex and put an end to everything.’