He stared at the ceiling, his trembling hands resting on his hips. “Does Mom know?”
Cassie nodded. “We talked about it before she left. I asked her about him and she came clean. She said she’d always known that he was struggling with it, but it was easier to let us believe he’d gone missing.”
Easier on who? He ran a hand through his hair. His mouth was sandpaper. An addiction, he could have dealt with. Maybe he could have helped somehow. Keeping this from them was wrong.
“She said she was always hoping he’d get his shit together and come back. Still hoping,” Cassie said softly.
“She should have told us. You should have told me.” That was the hardest thing to swallow. He and Cassie had always had each other’s back. He couldn’t help the feeling of betrayal.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just... He said you’d be disappointed in him the most. He asked for a chance to get better, then come back to you...a better man. Someone you could be proud of again.”
Proud? Of a man who’d just walked out on them? Who’d chosen alcohol over his family? He could barely breathe as he stared at his sister, trying to see her side, trying to make sense of it. Any of it. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”
“That’s not it at all. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”
Too late. He nodded slowly. “I’m going to go.”
“Reed, please,” Cassie said, reaching for his hand.
“I can’t do this right now, Cass.”
Heading back outside, he took the stairs two at a time and walked down the quiet, deserted Main Street with no destination in mind, just away from the truth.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
TIME WAS FLYING BY in a blink and Erika’s guilt kept rising. She started each day with the best intentions of reaching out to Reed to explain that things would slow down a little once the clinical trials started...and each day came and went with unanswered text messages from him as a million other things took priority.
Now it seemed impossible to reach out. To explain. Pushing thoughts of him aside was the only way she could successfully get through her busy days, but how could she tell him that?
His texts were becoming fewer each day and he hadn’t tried to call the last few nights. Maybe he was slowly accepting that she was busy and he wasn’t prepared to keep reaching out to dead air. While she wanted to beg him to not lose hope, that would be wrong.
She missed him, or at least she missed what they’d had in Wild River. She missed the connection with another person—a man who had made her feel more alive than she’d ever felt. She missed the freedom and the adventure and the excitement. She missed the woman she’d been in Wild River.
But that hadn’t been the real her. This was her. This life was hers.
And she couldn’t do this with Reed.
Her father was losing confidence in her as the head of the clinical trial team and several surgeries that week hadn’t gone well.
It was either success in her career or love. Not both. Never both.
The sinking feeling in her stomach made the realization of what she had to do that much harder. She didn’t want to end things with Reed. That’s why she was avoiding him. Hoping somehow she’d come up with a way to make a relationship work.
“Dr. Sheraton to emergency.” The call over the intercom was far too familiar this past week. With the weather getting colder—more snow and ice storms—and Christmas parties leading to more drinking and driving, she’d had six emergency operations that week.
One patient hadn’t made it. Struck by a drunk driver on a crosswalk, the twenty-year-old college student had suffered internal injuries far too severe to save him. Devastation on the boy’s mother’s face when she’d delivered the news had broken her.
From now on, she was returning to her “no contact with the family” policy. What good did it really do? Hearing from Erika that her son wouldn’t be there for the holidays had changed nothing for that poor woman. She’d still lost her son.
Slowly, her defensive walls were going back up. She needed them. She should never have taken them down.
She checked her watch as she rode the elevator to the first floor. Six thirty. Her evening was only beginning. A blizzard raging outside predicted a busy night for her.
When the elevator doors opened, she saw Reed standing in the emergency room.
Obviously not hurt.
And looking so unexpectedly amazing, dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a thick, thermal bomber jacket, his dark hair cut a little shorter but the scruff at his jawline was now almost a full beard. She stood frozen.
The elevator doors began to close again and he reached forward to stop them, entering the small space. “Hi.”
His familiar cologne immediately filled the space and she held her breath. “Hi.” She knew she’d mouthed the word, but no sound came out.
He took her hands in his and stepped closer. “Hi,” he said again.
She looked down at their hands. His touch was real. His smell was real. He was really there. Not a hallucination from sleep deprivation.
“God, you look even more gorgeous than I remembered,” he said. “And hot in this lab coat.” He grinned, but the attempt to ease the awkward tension was lost on her.
She still didn’t move. Him there in her space. Him in her reality was messing with her tired mind. “What are you doing here?” she finally said.
He gave a nervous laugh. “I missed you. I wanted to see you. Needed to see you, actually.”
She nodded. Reed was here. In her elevator. Well, not her elevator, the hospital’s elevator. Her hospital... Her mind was spinning. She’d been prepared to deal with a stab wound or a heart attack. Another car accident victim. Not Reed. Nope, definitely not Reed. She felt slightly dizzy. Her chest hurt and her palms were sweaty.
Shit. Maybe she was having a heart attack.
His expression looked anxious as he kissed her palms. “I’ve really missed you.”
Yes, he’d said that already. She winced. Her palms were sweaty. She simply nodded again. He’d come all the way from Wild River to tell her he missed her?
“Can you say something please?” The elevator doors reopened. He hit the button to close it and then the one for the bottom floor.
“That’s the maintenance floor,” she said.
“I don’t care.” He pulled her closer. “Erika, I don’t care where this elevator takes us. I just care about you. Seeing you, touching you...wishing you’d say something.”
“Um...yeah, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you.” Understatement. He’d barely contacted her at all these last few days and she thought... What had she thought? That he’d let her off easy? Let what they had just fade away without having to verbalize a breakup?
The cowardly way she’d been planning to.
His shoulders sagged and the smile slipped from his lips. “Well, I would have given you a heads-up, but you don’t seem to be checking your messages frequently...”
His annoyance immediately snapped her out of a trance. “So, you thought a visit was better?” The edge in her voice was unfair and unintentional. She was excited to see him, her heart was filled by the sight of him, but what exactly was he expecting from her? Showing up unannounced when she was working wasn’t the best way to get her attention.
Though it may have been the only way. It had worked.
The elevator stopped, the doors opened and closed and she hit the floor for emergency again.
He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the floor. “Sorry to just show up like this. Admittedly, it wasn’t the smartest idea. But I didn’t know what else to do. I guess I thought if I was standing here, you’d have to make time. Would want to make time for me.”
She felt like shit. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I am happy to see you.” Problem was, his the
ory had been right. Now that he was there, she did want to spend time with him, but she still had a job to do. She couldn’t take the evening off and go back to her condo and make love to him and fall asleep in his arms. That was a fantasy. This was real life.
“Are you?” he asked.
“Of course... I’ve...uh, missed you, too.” She reached out to touch his arms, but his hands stayed in the pockets of his jeans.
His sexy, faded jeans that hugged his thighs with the rip in the left knee. Damn, he looked good. Suddenly all of her ability to push away emotions and memories of him vanished and their week in Wild River came spiraling back like a bad ’80s movie montage.
Unfortunately, her words had come seconds too late. His expression had changed to one of disappointment and she hated that she was the cause. He’d come all this way. For her.
She moved closer. “I really did. Let’s talk in my office,” she said, checking her watch.
He caught the motion.
“I’m obviously on the clock, so let’s just get this out there,” he said. “What I’ve come to say.”
Her heart raced. There was zero air in this elevator. “Okay...”
“I’m in love with you, Erika.”
The lump in her throat threatened to choke her. He loved her? After only a few weeks? Was that possible?
She’d been falling for him while she was in Wild River, but now that she was back in Anchorage she couldn’t help but wonder if the mountains and the freedom and the excitement had tricked her into believing the feelings she was having for Reed were real. She cared about him more than any other man she’d ever been with, but love? Was she even capable of that?
But here he was saying the L word and damn, if he didn’t sound sincere.
Which made her own hesitation even worse. If he was so sure, how could she not be? “It’s so fast,” she said. “We’ve only known each other a few weeks.”
“I’ve known you my entire life,” he said.
“You know what I mean.”
His gaze burned into hers as he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her. “I know. But since your sexy, annoying ass sat on my barstool, I can’t stop these feelings that I’m having for the first time. Being with you was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. You challenge me in ways no one ever has. You make me want to work harder, strive to be better—for you. Before you showed up, I was completely happy with my bachelor life. Now, I want to leave it behind. I want something more. You’ve changed me, Erika.”
It had been that way for her, too, and being in his arms now was creating a whirlwind of confusing, conflicting emotions she wasn’t equipped to deal with.
She didn’t do feelings. She knew odds and procedures. She knew how to make a heart keep beating, but not how to trust her own.
“I’ve been going crazy without you. Food has no taste anymore. I can’t sleep. Tank’s on the verge of firing me and I don’t blame him—I’m annoying myself. I’m trying to be patient and I’m trying to understand the lack of contact. I don’t want to complicate your life...”
Too late.
He backed away abruptly. “That’s what I am—just a complication?”
She’d said the words out loud? Or had he read the thought on her face? “No, of course not.” Not just that, at least. “But actually yes. Not just a complication, but a complication for sure. I don’t know how to be a top surgeon and a girlfriend, okay? I’ve never had to be both. And I’m sorry I’m sucking at it, but if I have to choose which one to be good at, I have to go with my career.”
He looked as though she’d delivered a blow to the gut.
How could she ease the truth? Words had never been her friend and the only ones coming to mind now wouldn’t make either of them feel better. She was quiet for a long minute, sending the elevator back to the maintenance room when it hit the emergency floor again.
She waited.
Say something, Reed. Anything.
She couldn’t trust herself to say any more. But if he had any answers, any solutions on how to make this work, she’d be more than happy to hear them.
Nothing.
He stood there, silent, storm clouds passing across his blue eyes. It was torture to see him this way, but she had nothing to give him.
She sighed. “Reed, this is my life. My career matters to me.”
“And I don’t.”
It wasn’t a question. “That’s not true,” she said softly. She cared about him a lot, but he was asking for a commitment from her she couldn’t make. Love? When did she have time to love someone fully? The way they deserved? The way he deserved?
He stared at his feet. Silent.
The tension around them was suffocating.
“So, that’s it?”
The hurt in his voice was unbearable, but words refused to come. The right words, at least. “I don’t know how to do this, Reed.”
A glimmer of hope reflected in his eyes, like a tiny life preserver she wished she had the courage to grab.
“Can you trust me to help you figure it out?”
She wanted to, but, “What if I don’t get there? Where you are?”
“Are you willing to try?”
It was a fair question, but he wouldn’t be satisfied with her answer. “Not if it means sacrificing my career or not giving my patients my best.”
He looked defeated as he nodded. “Then I guess I should go.”
No! Her heart screamed at her to do the right thing. For once in her life to take a chance on something that didn’t make sense. But years of ignoring her heart made it easy to silence it now. She nodded.
“And Christmas...?”
God, she wanted to give him the answer he was hoping for. But making another false promise would be too cruel.
“No.”
“Okay.” He hit the button for the elevator door and she resisted the overwhelming urge to reach for him, to touch him one more time, to kiss him one more time... She couldn’t. That would be selfish. She had to let him go. And if those arms wrapped around her, those lips touched hers, she wouldn’t have the strength.
“Bye, Erika,” he said as he left the elevator. Turning back, he added, “You were wrong, you know.”
No doubt she was wrong about a lot of things. “About what?”
“It doesn’t hurt less when you’re not expecting it.” Then he headed toward the front door.
Her legs felt unsteady beneath her and she craved the safety and privacy of her office as tears threatened to fall, but the flashing lights of an incoming ambulance illuminated Reed’s disappearing figure and the sound of sirens drowned out the breaking of her heart.
* * *
REED STARED THROUGH the frosted window of his truck at the Anchorage Addictions Treatment Center. What the hell was he doing here? Leaving the hospital, he’d been in a fog. When his surprise visit to Erika had crashed and burned he should have headed back to Wild River. Instead, he’d driven here.
Nothing good would come of this stop either.
Going to see Erika had been an impulsive move. A decision he’d made that morning. A desperate attempt to get things back on track. He hadn’t expected her reaction. He’d foolishly thought that once she saw him, she’d remember how great they were together. How could he have been so wrong?
At least he’d known what he’d planned to say when he saw her.
What the hell was he going to say to his dad?
Years of anger, sadness and uncertainty were likely to all come pouring out. The man was at a rehab facility dealing with an addiction. This wasn’t a good idea. Neither of them was in the right headspace for this.
An image of Erika’s cool reception made him shiver.
Would it be the same with his father? What would his dad say? He hadn’t even wanted Reed to know where he was.
It was now or never.
He had to grow a set and get out of the damn truck. He couldn’t leave Anchorage without seeing him.
He climbed out of his truck and walked into the building. The waiting room was nicer than he’d expected. Beige walls and tan, comfortable-looking furniture. A fireplace and a small coffee and tea center set up beside it made the place look more like a hotel lobby than a clinic. Down the hall to his right, a set of doors led to an outside courtyard, and to the left was another hall, leading to intake rooms. Staff members went in and out, dressed in the same uniform of khaki pants and polo shirts with the Anchorage Addictions Treatment Center logo on them. Casual and comfortable.
His hands shook at his sides and he glanced outside.
“Can I help you?” a receptionist asked. The only thing giving away the purpose of the place was the fact that she was behind thick glass, speaking into a microphone. Her smile was warm and she had kind eyes—the perfect person to have behind the desk—but nothing could make him relax.
Too late to back out now. “Um, maybe. I’m here to see a...patient.” Was that the right term?
“Okay. Are they in long-term care or have they just recently checked in?”
Cassie had said her dad reached out only a few weeks ago, but who knew how long he’d been here before that. “He’s new, I think. Maybe a month.”
“If he’s recently checked into the thirty-day detox program, he won’t be able to see visitors...” She turned her attention to her computer. “Name?”
“George Reynolds.” He hadn’t said his dad’s name in so long, it stuck on his tongue. He folded his hands on the ledge as he waited for her to search the system.
“I see he checked in on November 22...” She continued to punch a few keys. “Are you family?”
“I’m his son.”
“The only emergency contact I see on file is a Cassie Reynolds.”
An Alaskan Christmas Page 26