Affaire de Coeur

by Stephanie O’Hanlon

  “I am going back to the country. I cannot stay here,” I said, motioning weakly for Rose to continue the letter.

  Colette’s brow furrowed, shocked. “You can’t. You are sick. Who will you stay with?”

  “Your grandmother bid me to stay with her before I came here. I am hoping that is still a valid offer.”

  She was still shocked, her green eyes focused on me. “You are sick.”

  “She will take care of me, just as she has before. When I was younger, she helped my mother.” I closed my eyes, trying to stop the room from spinning.

  “That’s ridiculous. We are perfectly capable—”

  “It has nothing to do with that, Colette!” I shouted, my voice surprisingly carrying force, though I was both mentally and physically exhausted.

  “Then what?” she shouted back, obviously angry that I would want to leave, again, and this time while I was still ill.

  “I cannot do this, Colette!” My fists slammed down onto the bed, making my stomach jump and almost causing me to faint right there. “You do not understand! I cannot be here, be where we laughed, where he smiled, where we made love! My memories of him are hanging on the very walls, the thread in the linens! It is everywhere, and I cannot outrun it for even one moment of sweet relief! I must leave. I stay here, and I risk dying from my broken heart. I grow sicker every day as it is! It is draining the life out of me and making recovery near impossible.”

  “It is another week until your father comes back, though! If not here, why don’t you stay with Rose?” She tried to argue, obviously reaching for something to make sure that I was still close—close to what I wasn’t sure…a physician, possibly?

  I shook my head. “The memories are there as well. Do you know who I want at this very moment, Colette? Who it is I long to take care of me, to make me feel no more pain? Do you?”

  She stood staring at me, unable to respond.

  Rose stepped forward. “Madeleine, we are only trying to think of what is best for you. Traveling in a coach may not be the best thing for you, especially an hour or more worth of traveling.”

  I swallowed, shaking my head. “It does not matter. I have to leave here. I must leave here. There is no question about it.”

  Colette looked down. Toulouse was stretching on the bed, seemingly disturbed by our loud voices. “What of Toulouse?”

  I shook my head, tears filling my eyes and easily spilling over. “I can’t…can you? Please, someone take care of him? I can’t…”

  Colette nodded, her expression stiff and almost hurt.

  “Rose,” I said, swallowing hard and pointing. “Please, finish the letters? I need to leave as soon as possible. Please?”

  She nodded, her brown eyes filling lightly with tears. She looked to Colette who nodded as well, waving her hand for her to do so.

  Rose finished the letters off as best she could. My incoherent and breathless words slowly escaping me. The tea made me tired once again. I agreed that since I got my way, I needed to do as they said until I left.

  “I will send these off with the courier as fast as I can.” She stood from the secrétaire, the finished letters in her hands. She turned and dashed out of the room.

  Colette walked into the room, went over to the bed, and pulled my linens up over me. “You rest, now. We will help you ready for your journey when you awaken. I will accompany you to the country and make sure you arrive safely. Brielle will ready your trunks for you and have them sent ahead. Just sleep for now.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  When I awoke, it was close to three in the afternoon. Brielle and Rose helped me to bathe, Leopold carrying me and putting me into the tub. When I had finished, he picked me up out of it and set me down on the bed. I was dressed for the journey in a soft yellow, closed robe à l’Anglaise—something I couldn’t wait to rip off. It was uncomfortable, and I disliked the feeling of clothing while I was ill.

  Brielle managed to have my hair look presentable in its blue ribbon, and her eyes looking into mine as she smiled weakly and threw my cloak around my shoulders. “I made sure to pack away all your personal effects carefully, and I made an inventory for you.”

  I nodded weakly. “Thank you. Really, thank you. You of all people should be thanked for helping me with my brief happiness and now, helping me to pick myself up, again.”

  Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded. “It was my pleasure to serve you, Mademoiselle.”

  I smiled lightly, my eyes feeling heavy, again. So much energy was expelled doing such simple things.

  Colette walked into the room, her cloak fastened around her shoulders as well, ready to go. “All right. I think that is everything. I just received word from Grandma-ma. She has her home ready for you and anxiously awaits us. Are you sure you will be able to make this journey?”

  I nodded. “I have never been more sure of anything.”

  Leopold came and picked me up in his arms, carrying me down the staircase and through the foyer. Everything ran by my eyes as we passed by it. All the fond memories filled my head and made me want to cry out in pain. They were painful memories. Why would I ever refer to them as fond ones?

  I was placed in the carriage, and Colette followed.

  “They say the roads are still a bit muddy, so make sure that you take special care both on your way there and back,” Leopold said, barely taking the time to say anything else before he turned and ran back into the house.

  Rose stood by the door, smiling weakly. “Don’t forget to write me. Perhaps I will come and visit you when you are feeling better.”

  I nodded. “I will. Thank you, Rose. Thank you for helping these past few days. I know they mustn’t have been easy.”

  She smiled. “The pleasure was mine, Maddy darling.”

  She grabbed my hand, holding it firmly before she nodded to Colette and backed away, closing the door for us.

  The driver sounded his whip, and the carriage jerked forward, slowly starting off. I looked out the window to my left as the carriage turned around the fountain, looking over the house I had called home for three months.

  My eyes filled with tears as I thought about those memories, almost seeing them played out in front of me. I could see all the sparkling carriages on the night of my birthday fête, Colette and I walking around to make our way to the hedge maze, the garden extension that Lucien and I…that Lucien and I. Lucien and I.

  I shook my head, looking up to the roof of the carriage, my mouth contorting as I tried to stop myself from breaking down. I felt Colette’s hand in mine. I looked down at it before I looked at her. Her eyes were focused ahead of her, to the far wall of the carriage. I turned and looked out the window, watching as the line of trees slowly disappeared. The thought of those painful memories disappeared with them.

  I was never going to think about them, again. Not if I could help it.

  I felt tired, my whole body still weak. The jerking and rocking of the carriage did not help how I felt. Luckily, the window was open, and the fresh air coming in and bathing over me kept me from feeling any worse. I glanced over at Colette, who was asleep. Her head was pointed down, and her hat that was pinned on her head had slipped forward slightly.

  It wasn’t that long ago that we were in that carriage on our way to various events, but I wasn’t thinking of such things, I wasn’t going to let myself.

  The ride was long. The sun sat far down in the sky, possibly beginning to think of setting, going to bed itself.

  We pulled into the little farm. Chickens and ducks ran out of the way as the carriage pulled in front of the little hameau home—a funny-shaped building with a slanted roof. A rectangular section attached to a square with a triangle on top.

  A steeply slanted sheet sat on the rectangular portion, on top of large trunks supporting it. Three beams of trunks below it with two little ones up the top formed a “Y” shape.

  A stairway to the right wound around to a side entrance to the second level, and a large garden in the front of it spr
awled with lavender, daisies, and vines winding their way up the wooden beams that held up the roof.

  I sighed in relief as I saw the house. Colette’s grandmother’s house—a simple little thing that made me forget about the decadence of Paris and the Du Lorme home. I was actually home, or at least on my way. So close, I could almost touch it. As we stopped, I saw the little, old Austrian woman walk out of the house, smiling as she waved to us, and wiping her hands on her apron.

  I looked to Colette, who rubbed her eyes sleepily, yawning.

  The driver helped me out, picking me up, and carrying me inside and up the steps into a little room with fresh flowers. He set me down on a large bed with flower-patterned curtains hanging from it, the smell of herbs filling my nose.

  Colette’s grandmother took Colette in her arms, hugging her close and kissing her on the cheek. “Was the journey all right?”

  Colette nodded as her grandmother walked away from her and over to me on the bed, helping me to take off my cloak, stroking my face lovingly before she kissed me on the forehead.

  “We will get you well. Come now.”

  I felt the tears rise in my eyes, appreciating a motherly figure taking care of me. With the aid of Colette, she undressed me and put me in my nightgown. All my trunks were already in the room, brought up by the previous driver and one of the men around who helped Colette’s grandmother do simple things.

  She propped up the pillows on the extravagant bed, pulling up the linens as I sat back. She stroked my face once again. “I will get you some medicine. Get some color back in your cheeks.” She turned to Colette, “You will look after her for a few more minutes, won’t you schatzi?”

  Colette nodded, taking off her cloak and throwing it over a wooden chair by a secrétaire. She walked over and sat down on the bed next to me.

  It took me a moment to find the right words, looking down to my hands before I looked up at her. “Thank you for taking care of me, Colette. Not just now, while I am sick, but since my father went on his travels.”

  She nodded lightly.

  “I am sorry that I was so adamant about leaving, I just…I couldn’t stay there any longer. I hope you understand.”

  She nodded. “I do. I know how much it hurts, Maddy. I just thought…I thought that you would feel comforted knowing that I could sympathize with you and that I was there to talk to.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to think about it at all. I just want it all to go away.”

  “Madeleine, that’s the thing. It will not just go away. Not even if you will it away or never think about it. It will still be there until you finally deal with it, and only then will you realize how much you have lost in the process.” She looked to me with kind eyes, not her usual seductions. Though, I knew she wanted me to see what she was saying. “I was foolish enough to have lost Armand, and for what? So that I could preoccupy my mind from Vachel? Was it worth it? No, it wasn’t.”

  I knew what she was saying, but it hurt too much. I couldn’t do it. I shook my head. Her grandmother walked into the room with a tray of various things: a teapot, some herbs, and a plate of food.

  “I wish you could stay longer, schatzi, but your driver says that Leopold wants you back before dark.” She put the tray down on the little bedside table. Turning to Colette, she hugging her and kissed her on the cheek. “Have a safe journey back home.”

  She then blessed her, kissing her on the cheek once again.

  “I will write you, Maddy. I know that you were right in saying that Grandma-ma will make you well, again. Hopefully, when you are, you will come visit us. Rose, as well.”

  She leaned down and kissed my forehead, patting my shoulder before she turned and kissed her grandmother once more. She left the room, and moments later, the carriage pulling away.

  “I brought something up for you to eat that is for after you take these medicines. They will sooth your stomach and bring down your fever.”

  She put her hand to my forehead. The smell of not only good, simple food, but the herbs and medicines and the scent of flowers coming off her soothed my nose.

  She mixed things, put them into a cup, and poured boiling water from the teapot into it. While I sipped at it, she did the same as Colette and dipped a cloth into a basin of water and dabbed it on me, my whole body relaxing and a calm coming over me.

  Not only was my foot now not throbbing—something I tried to ignore—but my stomach had settled, and my skin stopped crawling beneath my clothes and the linens. I actually felt quite at ease and comfortable. My emotional pains were far from gone, but the sudden relief of my physical ailments made me smile—a seemingly small victory on my account, but one I appreciated nonetheless.

  Colette’s grandmother, Lily, had me eating her bounty of brioche, potatoes, beef, and some vegetables. I only picked at them, but that was enough for her. The food sat in my stomach, not bothering me.

  “You must sleep, now. When you wake, just ring the bell, and I will come and get you some more tea. All right, little Maddy?” She smiled, using the pet name she had for me since I was little. The memory of her referring to Colette and myself as schatzi and little Maddy ringing in my mind.

  I smiled, nodding. My body gave in to sleep easily and comfortably.

  When I awoke, my body was free of the aches and uncomfortable sweats, and I rang for Lily, who was there by my side quickly. Despite that she was an old woman, and it was well into the night. I was given more of the medicinal tea, more food, and told to sleep some more. It was something I surprisingly did with great ease. That was the routine I was to follow until my father returned home, which was the following Friday, August twenty-fourth, at around one in the afternoon.

  I stood outside in the garden in my white gown with little red leaves and vines, excitedly waiting as his carriage pulled up. My strength returned to me midweek, and even though I was still sleeping most of the days away, I was quite energetic at the thought of seeing my father—something I hadn’t done for almost four months.

  The carriage stopped, and the door opened as a brown leather boot stepped out of it. His head peeked out as he smiled at me under his mustache. His skin looked tan, especially against his brown, frock coat. He stepped down, running up to me in a few strides, and grabbing hold of me. He kissed me on the cheek and held me close. “Ah, Maddy! My darling daughter!”

  I smiled, tears filling my eyes. “Pa-pa!”

  He kissed my cheek again, looking me over, “Ah, you look beautiful. Look at you. I see you haven’t gotten a bit of sun, or are you still not feeling well?”

  I nodded. “A little bit of both. I will be happier and recover better once we are home. I’ve missed you so!” I hugged him close. Lily walked out of the house and up to us, and my father nodded at her.

  “I thank you for taking care of her. You don’t know how much it means to me.”

  Lily waved it off. “Oh, she is like my own child. It was no trouble.”

  He smiled. “Do you have your things ready? We have much to talk about!”

  I nodded. “Lily had my things brought to the house earlier, today. So, all I need do is grab my shawl, and we can be off.”

  I turned as Lily put my shawl around me, her hands coming to my face as she kissed my cheek. “He will come back. Who could ever resist your charms?”

  My whole body suddenly wanted to curl up and die. She knew of Lucien. She knew of him without me needing to speak of him. One night while I was weeping, she came into my room, sitting at the side of my bed and holding my hands.

  “I know you are suffering from a broken heart. I know its symptoms well. I suffered them with the death of my husband,” she said, stroking my face.

  I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. I suddenly felt tired, again.

  “You have the want to give up…but you mustn’t. You know why?”

  I shook my head, tears streaming down my face.

  “Life is much too precious to waste on the grief felt for someone who so obviously was not meant to
stay in it.”

  Her words echoed in my head as she left the room. They echoed in my head again as I looked into her worn eyes in the late August afternoon and mingled with the giant garden in front of her home.

  My father pulled on my arm, leaning over me, and kissed Lily on the cheek. “I thank you, again. You will need to come by the house for supper, a way to thank you.”

  Once we arrived home, my whole body was ready to collapse. The sudden relief washed over me of finally being in my own home. The familiar smells and sounds filled me, making me smile.

  “Ah, good to be home,” Pa-pa said, taking off his frock coat and throwing it over a chair.

  I smiled as I turned to him, nodding. He walked over to me, putting his hands on either side of my shoulders, his smile constant.

  “I brought you a gift. A new gown. It is a day gown, I believe. Something light and airy, if you can call it that. It is still made of the finest silk.”

  I nodded. “I look forward to wearing it on the right occasion.”

  “Well, we could hire a maid to help you dress in the morning. You have Colette’s hand-me-downs, do you not? You are too beautiful not to be dressed in such finery.” He pointed to me and to my gown before turning and walking through the spacious foyer toward the dining room table.

  “I suppose.” I sighed, looking at my hands. My hair was loose around me, as I did not have a maid to dress it.

  “Oh, what of your gentleman? I was quite surprised when I received your letter. I actually expected you to introduce me to him as soon as possible.” He turned to me, crossing his arms.

  I swallowed hard, my heart nearly stopping in my chest. “Ummm, that…that is no more. We broke.”

  He stopped, his arms falling to his sides. “Oh, I’m…I’m sorry, Madeleine. Perhaps it is for the best, hmmm?” He walked over to me, kissing my forehead. “I wouldn’t have really been comfortable with a match like that.”

  I nodded, trying to suppress tears. “I knew you wouldn’t. It was silly of me, anyway Thinking that a simple country girl would marry a Comte, the Comte.”