We Were On a Break

by Lindsey Kelk

  ‘Hey!’ David barged through the crowd and jumped in front of me, taking the verbal bullet. ‘If anyone cleans up dog diarrhoea in this village, it’s me.’

  ‘Chris?’

  Everyone turned around to see Adam scratching his head, his best friend Tom hovering closely behind.

  ‘Have I missed something?’

  ‘You’re well out of it with this one,’ Chris replied, shaking out his shoulders and straightening his red sleeves, while Cassie and David formed a human shield between us. ‘Ad, she’s completely mental.’

  ‘Shut up, Chris.’ Adam dismissed his brother with a simple command and I watched, impressed as Chris shrank back into himself. Why couldn’t I have done that instead?

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’ He turned his focus to me. ‘I don’t care if you went out with someone else.’

  ‘Of course you don’t,’ I replied, an unwelcome squeak in the end of my sentence. ‘Why would you care if I went on one date when you’ve already got a new girlfriend?’

  ‘What?’ He looked towards Chris as he spoke to me. ‘You mean Jane?’

  So it was true. Even after all I’d seen and all I’d heard, I had hoped and hoped that I’d somehow got it wrong but the look on his face confirmed everything.

  ‘She’s not my girlfriend,’ he replied, his tanned face a washed-out white.

  I kicked at the grass and sent a chunk of turf flying right into Chris’s crotch.

  ‘I saw you together! And you took her to the Bell, everyone saw you.’

  Now I was shouting. Now I was shouting and everyone could hear. The whole party pricked up its ears and began to move towards us en masse.

  ‘And he kissed her,’ David added. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Yes,’ I pointed at David triumphantly. ‘You did. You kissed her!’

  ‘How did you know I kissed Jane?’ Adam looked up at his brother, confused. ‘I didn’t tell you that, did I?’

  ‘How come I’m the one getting all the grief?’ Chris bellowed. ‘I haven’t done anything!’

  ‘And Bill saw her leaving his house on Thursday morning,’ Abi contributed from the edges of the party. ‘Sorry, Liv. I wasn’t going to say anything.’

  ‘But you thought now was the time to share?’ Adam asked, raking his hair back from his face. ‘She stayed over because she lost her car keys, nothing happened. If you’d let me explain—’

  ‘A likely story,’ I replied before realizing that actually, it was. ‘Adam and Jane. Jane and Adam. Adam and his new girlfriend, Jane.’

  There was a chance I’d gone completely mad.

  ‘I’ve had enough, I’m leaving.’

  I threw my arms up in the air, forgetting for a moment that I was holding onto my handbag. The entire contents rained down on top of me, tampons, car keys and half a dozen lip balms littering the floor around my feet while my wallet clapped me right on the nose.

  ‘I’m OK,’ I whispered, clutching my face while David leapt to the floor scooping up my possessions. ‘Don’t panic.’

  ‘I need to talk to you. I tried to talk to you the other night,’ Adam replied, red-faced and defensive as I pawed at my face, hopeful that it didn’t look as bad as it felt. ‘But you told me not to call again.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ I squealed, my entire face throbbing as I spoke. ‘When did you call?’

  ‘Um,’ Abi raised her hand at the side of me. ‘Actually—’

  ‘Please, just give me five minutes.’

  ‘I’m leaving,’ I insisted, shaking my head no. This was all too much for one fun-fair themed afternoon. ‘And it’s all your fault anyway. If you’d proposed in Mexico like you were supposed to, none of this would be happening!’

  The entire village gasped.

  ‘You told her I was going to propose?’ Adam turned on Chris again, giving me a moment to swipe angrily at my eyes, swatting away hot, unwelcome tears.

  ‘Hardly the issue now, is it?’ Chris said, twirling his whip in the grass, shamefaced.

  ‘Oh, you can all sod off,’ I shouted, snatching my handbag back from David and marching away. ‘Fuck you and you and you. Sorry, Cass.’

  ‘What was that, dear?’

  My mum and dad stood at the edge of the crowd, clutching at each other as though I’d just come out as a Nazi.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, refusing to let the tears that prickled at the back of my eyes fall in front of everyone. ‘I’m really sorry. I’ve got to go.’

  ‘Liv, wait!’ Adam followed me through the swarm. Every pair of eyes at the party was on us and I was certain I saw at least one iPhone in the air. Of course some arsehole was filming.

  ‘If you’ve got something to say, why don’t you tell Cass?’ I snapped. ‘I’m sure it’ll get back to me eventually.’

  Nope, there was no stopping it, I was definitely going to cry.

  ‘Liv, stop!’ he shouted. In spite of myself, my heels dug into the ground and I froze. Adam ran around in front of me, a tall, frazzled mess of blue and blond.

  ‘What do you want to know?’ I asked, determined not to choke on my words. ‘Which parts are you not caught up on? Yes, I went on a date on Friday night and yes, I kissed him but that was it. At least I had the good grace to wait a week before I got off with someone else, and only after you started dating a bloody supermodel.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ he repeated, even if the look on his face suggested he might care a little bit. ‘I don’t need to hear about it, but I don’t care. Nothing happened with Jane and me, nothing. Well, no, I kissed her as well – but you kissed him, but it was the same. I mean, it didn’t mean anything.’

  I smeared my tears across my cheeks, bringing Adam into focus, everyone else behind him a blur.

  ‘Cass was right, I was going to propose in Mexico and I bottled it,’ he went on, edging slightly closer, holding out his hands. ‘I messed everything up that last night, everything went wrong and then I was such an arsehole, Liv. I don’t blame you for wanting a break from me.’

  ‘It wasn’t just you.’ Tucking my bag under my arm, I wrapped my arms around myself, out of his reach. ‘It was everything. My job, my family, this village, everything. I never stopped being in love with you, I didn’t want to not be with you any more, I just needed to be certain I was making good decisions and after you said you wanted a break, I got so confused about everything. I didn’t ever want you to think I wanted us to break up.’

  Glancing over my shoulder, I saw the whole village advancing slowly. How could we possibly still be the biggest attraction in the middle of an actual circus?

  ‘Please can we forget about all of it?’ Adam said, his cheeks blooming red. ‘Can we pretend none of it happened? None of it matters.’

  ‘But it does matter.’ I rubbed my temple, trying to find the right words to make him understand. ‘It matters to me.’

  ‘Olivia!’

  My parents marched down the path, closely followed by Abi and David, an alarmingly stern look on his face.

  ‘When you’re quite done making a scene, might I have a word inside?’ My dad brushed straight past Adam and cocked his head towards Cass’s kitchen. ‘Now?’

  ‘No.’

  After I’d said it once, it was surprisingly easy to say it again.

  ‘No.’

  A sudden sense of calm washed over me and the tightness in my chest eased slightly. I’d been right all along. I needed a break.

  ‘I wanted time to think and work things out and none of you were prepared to give me that,’ I told them all. ‘It’s obvious I’m not going to get anywhere while I’m here so I’m going away. Tonight.’

  ‘What?’

  Dad and Adam exchanged a glance, each looking as though the other might know what was going on.

  ‘I’m going to Japan,’ I announced. ‘I’ve always wanted to go. If not now, when?’

  ‘You’re not going to Japan,’ Dad stated, as though it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. ‘You just came back off holiday, don’t
be ridiculous.’

  ‘I’m going,’ I said simply. ‘I booked the flight after I talked to Mum the other day. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone to talk me out of it.’

  ‘My baby’s all grown up,’ Abi whispered to David, beaming.

  ‘Are you serious?’ Adam asked. I nodded. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I can,’ I replied. It really was the only answer I had.

  ‘Olivia, you can’t just walk out on work because you’ve had a fight with your boyfriend.’ Dad cast Adam a scathing look before turning his attention back to me. ‘Come inside and calm down. You owe Cassie an apology.’

  ‘You’re talking to me like I’m a child again.’ I shook my head. ‘Sorry, Dad. No.’

  ‘Because you’re acting like one,’ he replied. I knew he was right to a point but no one wanted to listen to grown-up Liv. Everyone wanted to tell her their opinion and what they thought she should do. At least they were paying attention now. ‘Maybe I was wrong, perhaps you’re not ready to run the business after all.’

  ‘You might be right,’ I agreed. ‘I don’t want to run your business, Dad. I want to run my own. That’s something that will have to wait until I’m back.’

  ‘Liv, don’t go.’ Adam took over as my dad searched for the right response and failed to find it. ‘Stay. Marry me.’

  And just like that, my dad wasn’t the only one who was lost for words.

  ‘You’re joking,’ I said hesitantly as Adam clambered down onto one knee. ‘Oh dear god, you’re not joking.’

  ‘I’m not, I’m serious,’ he said, patting down his pockets. ‘But I mean it. I want to marry you, Liv. I’m miserable without you. I love you, I don’t want to go another day without knowing we’re in this together for the rest of our lives.’

  Two weeks earlier, it was all I wanted to hear. If he’d asked me two weeks earlier, I’d have said yes, come home with a shiny ring and a head full of weddings and probably agreed to everything my dad demanded. But that was two weeks earlier.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this now,’ I said as he began to wobble on one knee. He couldn’t be comfortable, emotionally or physically. ‘Please get up.’

  ‘Only if you say yes,’ he said, fishing around inside his wallet for something I did not want to see. ‘Liv, come on, it’s us, you know it’s right. I’m your yeti. Say yes.’

  ‘I can’t.’ Even though I felt strangely calm, I could still hear the shaking in my voice. ‘I really can’t. I meant it, I’m going to Japan. The flight is booked.’

  Shuffling uncomfortably on the ground, Adam lowered his arms.

  ‘You’re saying no?’ he asked, flushed with emotions. At first he looked sad and then confused. ‘You’re actually saying no?’

  I nodded, just barely.

  Finally he settled on angry.

  ‘If you say no now, that’s it.’ He stood up with one dirty knee, a dead look in his eyes I would never forgive myself for. ‘We’re done. We’re properly over.’

  ‘Which just goes to show you’re not listening to me,’ I said. My voice was raw with tears and the realization that everything in our lives was about to change. ‘Adam, I love you, but everything that’s happened these last two weeks … maybe we’re not so perfect for each other as I thought, so I’m sorry, but I’m saying no.’

  Before Adam or my dad could say anything more, I turned away and ran up the driveway towards the road. When I finally looked up, I realized David and Abi were right behind me.

  ‘Let’s get you in the car,’ David said as Abi took hold of my hand.

  Biting my lip hard, I nodded, clinging to my friend and concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other until Chris, Cass and my ex-boyfriend were far, far behind us.

  24

  October was not messing about.

  The day after the christening the weather turned completely and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen a full day of sun. The last lingering leaves fell from the trees and near-constant drizzle had turned their autumnal gold into brown sludge. By the middle of the month, everything looked as grey and miserable as I felt and not even the pumpkins and skeletons gathering on the lawns up and down my street could raise a smile. Liv hated Halloween. She claimed it was a money-grabbing non-holiday but really, I knew it was because she hated scary things: horror movies, skeletons, spiders. She couldn’t even drive past the cemetery without shivering. That was my Liv, brave enough to get on a plane and fly to Japan but too much of a wuss to watch a scary film with her boyfriend.

  ‘What do you think your mum is up to now?’ I asked Not Daniel Craig, the small, stuffed toy tortoiseshell that sat on the end of my settee. ‘Reckon she’s having a good time?’

  Not Daniel Craig did not answer. I’d tried to fight for custody of the real thing but David wasn’t having any of it. Liv had left him in charge of my fluffy son and he had made it quite clear he was prepared to go full War of the Roses over it if need be. I’d considered an elaborate Ocean’s Eleven-style heist but then I remembered I wasn’t George Clooney and I didn’t know any Chinese gymnasts and gave up before I’d even started. I did watch Ocean’s Eleven, but that didn’t really help.

  I pulled my dressing gown tighter around myself as the wind howled outside the window. It was too cold to be in the workshop today and anyway, I was so far ahead on work on the bar – guilt and embarrassment driving me onwards – that I could afford a day off. And it was too cold to do anything today other than watch TV, drink hot toddies and talk to Not Daniel Craig. Only I didn’t have any of the ingredients for a hot toddy other than whiskey and there was nothing I wanted to watch on TV, so really, I was drinking neat whiskey at eleven a.m. and talking to a cuddly toy. It was not my finest hour.

  Shuffling the contents of my boxers, I forced myself into the kitchen, filling Liv’s mug to the brim with Jack Daniel’s and padding back into the living room, pausing when I saw a shadow at the front door.

  ‘Adam?’ a voice called through the letterbox. ‘Is that you?’

  ‘Not today thank you,’ I called back. ‘Now’s not a good time.’

  ‘Then you probably shouldn’t have given me a key for emergencies,’ the voice replied and as I heard it turn in the lock, I realized it was Tom. He pushed open the door and stepped inside, giving me the once-over and shaking his head. ‘Christ almighty, mate.’

  ‘You look nice,’ I said, raising my mug. ‘Tom Ford suit?’

  ‘Topman,’ he replied, following me into the living room. ‘I’ve been calling you all morning. I was up in Edinburgh for a couple of days, wanted to see if you fancied getting lunch on my way home?’

  ‘Really?’ I looked around my mess and couldn’t see my phone. I’d given up carrying it with me morning, noon and night when Liv’s phone stopped connecting a week after she left for Japan. ‘It must be on silent.’

  ‘In your pants in the middle of the day?’ Tom hovered over an armchair for a moment before sitting down. ‘Are you ill?’

  ‘Nope,’ I replied. ‘Couldn’t be arsed to get dressed.’

  ‘My favourite thing about you is your unrelenting honesty,’ he said. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘Not much.’ I looked into my mug and then took a deep drink. ‘You?’

  ‘Are you drinking?’ Tom asked, taking off his suit jacket.

  I nodded. ‘Yes but not out of the bottle so I’m making progress.’

  ‘The first time I met Mads, she was sitting under a tree drinking out of a bottle, talking utter bollocks. Maybe that’s why I liked her so much, reminded me of you.’ He stretched out his legs and leaned back in his chair. ‘I don’t know if you ever actually told me how you met Liv?’

  ‘We were in the supermarket,’ I said, swirling the dark liquid around in my mug. ‘I was with my mum and dad and my mum was looking for something random to put in one of her rancid juices, I think, and my dad pointed Liv out and said “Nice pair of legs” or something equally embarrassing.’

  ‘He said that to her
?’ Tom asked, laughing loudly. ‘I’m surprised she didn’t slap him.’

  ‘No, he said it to me.’ I started to smile. ‘It might have even been “That’s a fine filly.” That’s one of his favourites. I do remember it was mortifying. I ignored him, obviously, then my dad picks up a box of pasta and basically lobs it across the aisle, right at Liv.’

  ‘Class act, your dad.’ He stood up and crossed the room to take a glass out of the drinks cabinet and poured himself a double from my granddad’s decanter. I’d forgotten I had glasses. I’d forgotten there was whiskey in the decanter. Why had I wasted so much time walking into the kitchen? ‘That’s a vintage move, right there.’

  ‘She thought he’d dropped it so she picked it up, brought it over and then that was it, we were talking.’ I pressed my sweaty palm against my eyes. ‘I wouldn’t have said anything, I would have given her a nod, and then gone about my day.’

  ‘Imagine that,’ Tom said. ‘You might never have met her.’

  ‘Doesn’t feel like that bad an idea right now,’ I replied. ‘I hate everything.’

  Tom considered the statement for a moment. ‘So you haven’t spoken to her?’

  ‘I left about twenty-five voicemails and sent half a dozen emails.’ I picked up a tiny screwed-up piece of paper, one of my abandoned letters of apology, and attempted to toss it into the cup in the middle of my coffee table. I missed by a mile. ‘She isn’t answering.’

  My friend scooped the ball of paper up from the floor and took a shot. ‘I can see you’ve been keeping yourself busy though, that’s good.’

  ‘It is essential,’ I replied. ‘I’m almost done with the bar, waiting on the electrician to do some work before I can finish. Nothing else on at the moment.’

  ‘It went well?’ he asked.

  I gave him a so-so gesture. It had actually gone amazingly well, but it was very hard to look at it with pride when I knew how many sleepless nights had gone into the project, and not because I was so desperately concerned with doing a good job.

  ‘And you’re clearly hustling like a pro.’

  ‘I’m waiting for inspiration,’ I replied. ‘How’s Maddie?’