The Contradiction of Solitude

by A. Meredith Walters

  So I did it for him. I forgot about the shred of love I felt for the little boy. I forgot about how much I had depended on him over the years to keep me grounded.

  “Goodbye, Matt.”

  I hung up.

  I felt a pang as I removed the battery from the phone and smashed the screen. Both went into the trash.

  I saw the worn copy of Swann’s Way on the coffee table. I hadn’t picked it up in months.

  I hadn’t needed to.

  But I needed to now.

  I opened it up to the front page and my father’s cryptic message. Though I thought I understood it better now.

  There’s Contradiction in Solitude.

  I lifted the lid of the box I usually kept beneath my bed and pulled out the last letter my father had sent me. They were all unopened. Intentional.

  But now…

  Maybe…

  My heart shuddered closed and my soul withered up and died.

  Now…

  Dear Layna,

  This day comes and goes and I spend it wondering what you are doing. How you are. What you look like.

  I think about the little girl I left behind and I know, deep down that you have become someone amazing.

  Someone I can be proud of.

  All I ever wanted for you was to embrace who you are. To never be ashamed of the way you feel or how you think.

  People spend too much time worrying about the thoughts of others. Selfishness is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves. I tried to tell you this so many times and I hope you heard me and what I was trying to say.

  I kept many, many secrets. I know you saw them all. Even as a child. I could never hide anything from your black eyes.

  Many think I’m horrible. They call me a monster. A devil.

  But to you, I will always and forever be a father.

  I hope, more than anything, that you’re smarter than I was. That you think with your head and not your traitorous, disingenuous heart. That you listen to your gut when it tries to tell you what to do. Because, lovely, darling Lay, it will never be wrong.

  I want you to learn when to chase and when to let go. When to fly and when to squeeze so tight that escape is impossible.

  Keep your life as you intend it. Don’t crowd it with people who will never love the real person inside. The person that only I have ever seen.

  Don’t be fooled by those who only wish to distract you. The ones who try to change you. Who expect things you can never give them.

  And write your stories. Never stop. They are beautiful.

  Just like you.

  Always, always find the stars.

  Love you,

  Daddy

  I was here once again. At this place. Where we left off. Unfinished. Unresolved.

  There was no going back.

  I had let go of responsibility.

  I was free.

  To be without the things that made you human.

  To be something else entirely.

  “You have to learn to let go. Not of the things that tear you down. But the things that keep you together. That is what you should fear, Lay. The sanity. It’s where we lose everything.”

  I had lost my sanity.

  I had lost it in my house. In the dust and dried blood. In the memories and the lies.

  I wasn’t the only one.

  Elian had left his behind as well.

  We were wallowing in madness that made everything so much easier.

  So.

  Much.

  Easier.

  Elian had gone inside himself. Where he was safe.

  But when I arrived at his house after packing the last of my things in the trunk of my car, he met me at the door.

  “I didn’t think you’d come back,” he said as I approached.

  The wind swept in off the quarry and I took a deep breath. Memorizing. Before I made myself forget.

  “Where else would I go?” I asked. And it was true. My steps would always bring me back here. To this moment.

  To Elian.

  “I’ve been waiting and waiting, and you didn’t come.” The cadence of his words was off kilter. His eyes were cloudy.

  He was fading faster than I thought. Lost. Floundering.

  Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

  “I had things to do first. I always planned to end up here.” Did he hear the truth? Did he feel it in the air? Did he taste it on my lips as he kissed me?

  “You’re here now. That’s what matters.” His eyes sparkled briefly. His lips curved into a small smile. Was he happy? How could he be?

  He wasn’t running away.

  He was trying to stay.

  Stay…

  I watched him walk into his house and sit down on the couch, motioning for me to join him and I briefly mourned the loss of Elian Beyer.

  Making Stonehenge out of seasoned fries.

  Building dreams with his guitars.

  Listening to music on a checkered blanket and watching me with all the wonder in his faithful heart.

  “Beyer. My name is Elian Beyer.”

  Things with Elian had always been easy. Too simple. Like slipping into the water in the quarry and drowning there.

  “I brought you something,” I said, holding out the guitar case. Elian barely spared it a glance.

  “Don’t you want it anymore?” he asked dully.

  No.

  I didn’t want it anymore.

  I left it against the wall. My hand lingered for one last time on the rough case that housed the instrument I had never even played.

  And there it would stay.

  Until long after I was gone.

  I joined Elian on the couch and nestled into him and let myself relax. Just for a minute. Only a minute.

  I could hear the beat in my ears. Constant. Just like Elian.

  He wasn’t going anywhere.

  He never would.

  He would never make it back to Diamond Creek. He would stay.

  Here.

  “I love you, Layna.” Elian kissed the top of my head and held me close. It. Believing him. Knowing he felt it with everything he was.

  He smelled like cigarette smoke and autumn. Crisp air and dying leaves.

  “I love you, Elian,” I murmured, giving into the need to say the words. Because right now, it was important for him to hear.

  It was important for me to say.

  Just this once.

  I did love him. Who he was. What he meant. His purpose, his reason in all of this.

  Elian’s thumb brushed the side of my jaw, his eyes shone brightly with secrets revealed.

  “We’re here. You and me. Forever,” he breathed, leaning down, his lips soft, so soft, on mine.

  He tasted like he smelled.

  Like an ending.

  Mine.

  His.

  This.

  I fit myself into the curve of his arm, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath my ear as I lay against his chest.

  Thud. Thud. Thud.

  Now. Now. Now.

  I closed my eyes, my throat feeling suddenly and uncomfortably tight.

  “Be with me, Layna. Stay with me here, in our house at the cursed quarry. Let’s vanquish the ghosts and build a life. Together. I don’t want to be anywhere or do anything unless it’s with you.”

  Thud. Thud. Thud.

  Now. Now. Now.

  His eyes, for just a brief second, danced as they used to. His words were so firm. This was the Elian that had been missing for weeks.

  I hated him for this glimpse of the man that he used to be. The mask he had worn. For awhile. In his lies that drew me in.

  I hated him!

  Then the anger faded, and I was left with a contentment that only he could give me.

  Only he could give me.

  “You’re my purpose, Elian,” I whispered, knowing he’d never understand. He didn’t need to.

  I saw the blood.

  And the pretty, pretty green eyes.

  I heard the
screams.

  My head was full of them.

  And they’d never be quiet.

  I had accepted that a long time ago.

  Remembering had set me free. It was the last, missing piece.

  Connected.

  “And you’re mine, Layna. You were made for me,” Elian said with complete and total sincerity.

  I believed him. Because I knew in his heart it was true. His faithful, loving heart.

  “Maybe we could leave. We could go anywhere. Start over. A new life. Away from the past and everything we’ve learned.” He was desperate.

  As though he knew.

  It was too late.

  “It’s time to start a new life,” I agreed, handing him some of my truth.

  Elian’s arms tightened around me, his heart drowning out the screams in my head.

  He took my words as agreement.

  In my touch he found his future.

  He never saw what lay just beyond the guise.

  He never would.

  Until it was too late.

  “Then let’s go. Let’s pack our bags. Tonight. Let’s ride off into the sunset. Let’s leave all of this behind us. And one day we can come back. When we’re ready. To where it all began.” His hand waved out in front of him.

  Where it all began.

  Not here. Not in this reprieve from the darkness.

  This wasn’t where it began. These were the final words in this chapter.

  Tomorrow would be a new page. Fresh words. New characters.

  Elian kept his heart in an iron cage. He surrounded it with barbed wire and poisonous thorns. He had been hurt. Ravaged. His mind violated by memories he could never erase.

  But he tried. He ran away. He left everything behind.

  He learned to tuck his feelings inside and pretend they weren’t there. He just needed someone to claim him. To make him theirs.

  To send him to the stars.

  I bit down on my bottom lip, my teeth piercing soft, pliable flesh. Copper bitterness filled my mouth.

  I remained silent and Elian wasn’t bothered by it. He never was.

  He accepted me.

  The parts he knew.

  The parts he loved.

  “Where’s my phone? It’s ringing, ” Elian said, looking around, patting his pockets. I smiled. Relieved that this made it easier. For him.

  For me it was already easy.

  “They can leave a message,” I murmured, kissing his downturned mouth. Tasting his delusions that were so ingrained in who had become.

  “I can’t live in death’s shadow anymore, Layna. I need to move on. I have to. Her death has become the single focus of my life. I just can’t—” He shook his head, a little distressed. He ran his hands down his face, nails scraping and digging. Red marks left where frantic fingers had been.

  I kissed the signs of his anguish. One by one.

  “Death is inevitable, Elian,” I whispered. Not raising my voice. I kept it low.

  Secret.

  “Life is inevitable, Layna! Life! Just move on from your father! Help me move on from Amelia!” I felt his cry in the pit of my stomach. Rolling and turning, chewing me up and spitting me out.

  He was trying so hard to be sure. To be confident. But his mask had been destroyed. He was left with only the bloody pulp of shame and guilt that was the foundation of who he was.

  The parts that made me, in my own way, love him.

  Truly, absolutely love him.

  He kissed my cheeks. Longing tinged each one.

  I felt it. It was impossible not to.

  “Life is a lie,” I said weakly, feeling my resolve fluttering wildly in my chest. For just a second the beast’s roar quieted. Mute. Silent.

  Elian’s green eyes, no longer dancing, snuffed out the fire. The fear. The desperation.

  And then he closed his eyes. And I was pulled out of his restraining sun. Back into the shadows.

  Elian pulled me against his chest. His arms ever tight around me. He didn’t want to let me go.

  He would have to let me go.

  “I love you, Layna Whitaker. I don’t care who your father is. I don’t care about all the horrible ways our lives were intertwined before we ever met. You and me coming together was fate. It was a divine intervention. How can you look at where we are, who we are, and think anything else?”

  I wished I could laugh. I wished I could chide him for his foolishness.

  I wished I could be angry at his naivety.

  Fate was an ignorant delusion.

  We were together, here, because I wanted us to be. Nothing more. Nothing less.

  I felt a margin of disgust at his gullibility.

  How could he not see what was right in front of him?

  How could he not feel the evil in his arms?

  He pressed his kiss to my mouth. I tasted what he offered. And I took it. It was mine.

  Always.

  “Fate had nothing to do with us finding each other,” I found myself saying. I couldn’t help it.

  With Elian, I always revealed more than I should.

  Either he ignored my words or simply didn’t hear me, lost in his desire. His fingers clenched almost painfully around my waist. His tongue invaded. His teeth bit and pulled. He was frantic.

  He knew…

  Elian was a boy who ate life with both hands until the devil came and gobbled him up. He was wet and shaken, happiness gone. He was a sad, sad boy with no past and no future.

  He ran from the devil, but a monster found him. She had been searching for as long as he had been running. She wanted to set him free. She wanted to give him a story. A perfect, beautiful story that the monster had written just for him. A story of blood and bones. And a love that mattered not at all.

  Sad, sweet Elian rose and he rose until he found the stars. Then he was one of them.

  With Stella. Elizabeth. Rose. Jessica. Emma.

  With Amelia.

  They were all together.

  It’s where he belonged.

  “I love you.” His voice was broken and torn. His eyes bright and full.

  I looked up at the beautiful man who loved me and for one blissful second I saw it. The future he wanted. The life he thought we could build. The house and the song. The laughter and the beating, beating heart that went on and on and on.

  “I’m not him,” I whispered.

  Liar.

  “You’re not him,” Elian promised, kissing me again.

  Liar.

  I fell into him. Sweet and supple. Languid and gentle. Tongues and teeth and passion all tied together with the blood.

  “Leave it behind, Layna,” Elian said against my lips.

  Leave it behind.

  I put my palm over his heart.

  Thud. Thud. Thud.

  Now. Now. Now.

  “You can’t forget about the stars, Elian,” I told him. He frowned, not understanding. I didn’t expect him to.

  It was my story. My secret to keep.

  And I would never tell.

  Not to him.

  Not to Matt.

  Not to anyone.

  It was mine.

  And my father’s.

  It was ours.

  “What are you talking about, Layna?” Elian asked, his hold loosening just enough for me to pull away.

  Run away…run away…

  “It doesn’t matter. Not now. Not anymore,” I said, lengthening the distance between us until I had to close it once again.

  But for a very different reason.

  “Tell me you’ll leave with me. Tell me our lives begin here. Right now,” Elian pleaded as though seeing something in my coal black eyes that worried him.

  Something that scared him.

  He tried to hold onto the fantasy. It’s the only hope he had.

  “My life begins right now,” I whispered, feeling the darkness ever present. Tainting me. Tainting Elian.

  The unrelenting beast.

  I grinned. My face radiated the happiness I f
elt deep inside.

  A happiness I could only feel during moments like this.

  I had felt it many times before Elian. And I would feel it many times after him.

  He wasn’t the first.

  He wasn’t the last.

  He was the right now.

  And he mattered.

  “Layna?” Elian posed my name as a question. He was a smart man. He knew.

  I didn’t say anything.

  Words weren’t necessary.

  “Layna,” he said again, my name sounding sad on his lips.

  You could never forget the stars.

  They wouldn’t let you.

  I stared out over the quarry. The waters rippling from the recent disturbance, slowly, on and on. Then calming once again. Flat…unaffected.

  The sky was almost light. The moon long gone.

  But the stars. Always the stars. They watched over me.

  Telling their stories.

  And tonight there was a new story to tell.

  The most important story.

  The one with the only possible ending for a woman like me.

  The wind began to pick up and blew across my skin, sticky and warm.

  I could smell him all over me. Not his hair or his breath, but inside.

  I went back into the cabin, relishing in the solitude and loathing it at the same time. Despising the contradiction.

  Echoes of the people who had lived and died there pressed in, smothering me with their deceptions. With their honesty. With their memories.

  Shadows of the man and woman who had died there only hours before encroached and threatened me with panic. Our lives splashed in crimson across the grass.

  Because we were gone and all that was left was…this.

  I stood at the kitchen sink, staring out at Elian’s perfect, blue quarry. The sun just coming up over the horizon. A beautiful start to a beautiful day.

  The water flowing from the faucet was ice cold. I watched the blood wash away. Red and thick, the drain swallowing it up.

  I rubbed the soap over my hands. They were steady. Always steady.

  The sharp tang of copper coated the back of my throat. It was familiar.

  It was home.

  Elian’s voice rang in my ears. But it would fade with time.

  His tender affection. His promises. His misguided belief in life and us.

  I scrubbed harder. The blood was caked underneath my fingernails. Buried deep where it belonged.