Four of a Kind

by Valerie Frankel

  Stephanie smiled and said, “I feel better.”

  “Me, too,” lied Robin.

  “You promise to call every person I lied to about the sperm donor thing. Like Charlie’s California grandmother.”

  Jeez. “Yes, I’ll call.”

  “Does Harvey smoke?”

  “Only when he’s on fire,” said Robin.

  “Will I like him?” asked Stephanie.

  A perfect example of Stephanie’s innate confidence. Robin would have asked, “Will he like me?” She could learn a lot from her daughter.

  “He’s a decent guy,” she said.

  “Okay,” said Stephanie. “Let’s go.”

  The sky was brilliant blue. Her incredible daughter held her hand. And a man was waiting for her. After a long dormancy, Robin felt … she felt, all over her body, mind, and heart. No longer numb.

  They rounded the corner of Hicks onto Remsen Street. Only one block away from the Promenade entrance.

  Robin could see the river, shimmering with sunlight. Maybe this time, her card had finally come up.

  Epilogue

  “First game of the new year!” bubbled Bess, as she took her seat at the poker table, dropping her glass into the cup holder.

  “Most people mark the New Year in January,” said Robin.

  “New school year,” corrected Bess. “I guess I do think of September as the beginning, instead of close to the end,” she said.

  Alicia said, “I’ll take any opportunity to mark a ‘new beginning.’ September, January, April eighteenth, which is my birthday, is case you forgot. Please sign up for a reminder on Facebook.”

  Carla said, “You can call any anniversary a ‘new year.’ The calendar is full with them.”

  Bess said, “Today is, actually, an anniversary.”

  “Of the first meeting?” asked Robin. “Is it really?”

  “Let’s toast,” said Alicia. “To the Brownstone Diversity Committee.”

  “Who we are, not what we do,” said Carla.

  “Because the Diversity Committee doesn’t do anything,” added Robin.

  The women clinked their glasses, and drank.

  “But this year, we are going to plan some events,” said Bess. “Right? We can certainly make a wish list of speakers for a lecture series …”

  “Ever optimistic,” said Robin of their host.

  “Don’t you just love her for it?” asked Alicia.

  Carla said, “The committee already realized its goals. Wasn’t the point to model tolerance and understanding across racial and religious divides for our kids’ sake?”

  “What about all the other kids at Brownstone?” asked Bess.

  “Who cares?” asked Carla. “And I’m not saying that just because my family is out of Brownstone. Abstractly, I care about all children, all over the world. But, from personal and professional experience, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, you can only influence the kids you come into close contact with. Those are the kids I care about—in an active sense. And I will work my ass off for my children, your children, and my patients. And, considering the size of my ass, that’s a lot of work.”

  “You said ‘ass,’ ” said Robin. “Twice.”

  Alicia said, “Another toast: To the kids and the moms we care about—in an active sense.”

  Again, the women drank. And were now in need of refills. Bess went to get more wine from the bar fridge. She returned with the bottle, as well as a robin’s-egg blue shopping bag.

  “I have gifts!” said Bess.

  “World Class Poker, version 2.0?” asked Alicia.

  “They don’t sell CDs at Tiffany,” said Robin, lustfully eyeing the shopping bag.

  Bess distributed a small blue box to each woman. She kept one for herself, and watched with giddy excitement as her friends untied the white ribbon and opened their gifts.

  “They’re charm necklaces,” said Bess.

  The three other women held up a long silver chain, each with five tiny sterling silver charms. Robin said, “It’s gorgeous, Bess!”

  “This is too much,” said Carla. “Beautiful, but too expensive, Bess.”

  “How expensive?” asked Alicia.

  Robin said, “Chain and five silver charms, from Tiffany. Computer-like brain calculating … holy shit, Bess! This is too much! Not that I’m complaining. Too much is never enough as far as I’m concerned.”

  Bess said, “You see the charms?”

  “A tiny spade, diamond, two hearts, and a club,” said Alicia.

  Carla, the Black Queen, said, “I take it I’m the spade.”

  “I’m the diamond,” said Bess.

  Wild Heart Alicia said, “I’m one of the hearts.”

  Robin said, “As the Red Queen, I could have been a heart or a diamond. Why heart?”

  “I heart hearts,” said Bess.

  “What about the club?” asked Alicia.

  “We are the club,” said Bess. “Collectively.”

  “Oh, Christ,” said Robin. “Club, as in club? A poker club? What, are we going to start swapping recipes and reading books now?”

  “I hate clubs, too,” agreed Alicia. “Except ours.”

  Robin examined the charms more closely. “I don’t think I’ve seen suit charms in the Tiffany catalog, which I’ve studied more carefully than I care to admit.”

  “I had them custom made,” said Bess. “These necklaces, ladies, are the only four in existence.”

  “Four of a kind,” said Alicia, smiling at each woman in turn.

  Robin reached for the bottle and refilled their glasses. She said, “A toast: To four of a kind!”

  Carla clinked and drank to that. “Okay, women. Enough ceremony. Shut up and deal.”

  Robin held up her glass. “To shutting up and dealing.”

  “Poker? I Don’t Even Know Her!”

  Four of a Kind

  GAME GUIDE and GLOSSARY

  You can laminate this guide, and keep it in the kitchen drawer with your delivery menu collection. That way, the next time you host poker night, the food and rules will be conveniently found in the same place. “What?” you might ask, appalled. “Take-out food? For entertaining?” Hells, yeah. Unless you have a houseboy husband or personal chef, do not cook to host a poker game. I don’t care if you have a to-die-for new recipe for madras curry. Save it for the knitting club. On poker night, the focus should be on poker. Not pork. Or okra. Fan out your stack of take-out menus like a deck of cards and let your guests pick. When the food arrives, eat Chinese out of the carton with cheap chopsticks or pizza straight from the box. Keep an open trash bag in the kitchen for all garbage. Feel guilty about making so little effort for guests? Save the guilt for when you win big and take their money. Heh.

  Brooklyn Hold ’Em

  Unique to Four of a Kind, Brooklyn Hold ’Em, is as much a card game as a social experiment.

  THE OBJECTIVE: To get to know the other players in a hurry.

  1. The dealer shuffles, and distributes two facedown “pocket” or “hole” cards to each player.

  2. The dealer places five faceup cards in the center of the table. These are the community cards.

  3. While the dealer is distributing the pocket and community cards, she is sharing a hidden truth—aka, a “secret”—about herself. It could be a private desire, a long-buried bit of personal history, something interesting that happened earlier in the day, or a matter of the heart she’s been bursting to talk about but hasn’t, for whatever reason (embarrassment, fear of judgment, etc.). When divulging her “secret,” the dealer should stop before revealing a crucial final detail or salient piece of information. This will whet the curiosity of the other players.

  4. The players examine their cards and try to make the best five-card combination out of the seven available (five community cards + the two pocket cards the players have = seven total cards).

  5. The players “showdown,” or show their pocket cards.

  6. After the player with the best hand is dete
rmined (see “What Beats What?” guide below), she is declared the winner and earns the right to ask the dealer one follow-up question about the earlier shared “secret.”

  7. The dealer answers the follow-up question, and hands the deck to the player on her left (clockwise), who then becomes the dealer herself. Revert to Step One.

  BEVERAGE OF CHOICE: Wine. Lots and lots of wine in any hue. For some reason known only to enologists, grown-up grape juice loosens the tongue like no other beverage. When women gather and consume copious amounts of wine, they tell each other deeply personal stuff, and often wake up the next day in dumb amazement and horror at what they’d said. When wine is combined with Brooklyn Hold ’Em, however, women are limited by the game to dole out their secrets slowly, in drips and drabs. They get the pleasure of sharing, but not the head-in-hands shame of having said way too much. Also, by allowing the winner of each hand to ask only one follow-up question, the players’ curiosity and attention remains taut and restrained. And since the players have to keep at least a few brain synapses focused on the game, their minds—even wine-soaked—stay somewhat sharp.

  Texas Hold ’Em

  The classic. The game of choice in the World Series of Poker, and in Casino Royale starring Daniel Craig, the sexiest man on the planet. Ahh, Daniel Craig. Just the fact that he once pretended to play a scripted version of this game in a Hollywood movie should be enough to sell any red-blooded women on its worthiness. The rules aren’t that hard. The betting and bluffing parts are where amateurs get into trouble. The one (and only) time I played Texas Hold ’Em in a real casino for real money against real gamblers, I lost $200 in fifteen minutes. And I’d won millions of virtual money on the computer. So be careful out there, peeps! Don’t bet your shirt, unless you’re playing with Daniel Craig, in which case, bet your shirt, jeans, bra, and panties. Go “all in” with Daniel.

  THE OBJECTIVE: Make the best five-card hand out of your two facedown pocket cards, and the five faceup community cards.

  1. Before the dealer even hands out any cards, the large and small blinds (the players in the one and two positions to the left of the dealer) put in a forced bet. All the players at the table ante up.

  2. The dealer distributes two pocket cards to each player. All players bet, call, or fold their hand based on how much they like their pocket cards. (High cards, same suit, consecutive cards, and pairs are good to go; low- and off-suit cards are “rags” and better off dumped.)

  3. The dealer turns over three community cards, called “the flop,” followed by another round of betting, calling, checking, and/or folding.

  4. The dealer burns a card, and adds card four, “the turn,” to the community cards. More betting/folding.

  5. The dealer turns “the river,” the last of five community cards, followed by the last round of bets and folds by the players.

  6. The remaining players “showdown,” or reveal their hands.

  7. Winner takes the pot. (See the “What Beats What?” below.)

  It might seem like all this dealing and rounds of betting takes forever to play a single hand. Not so! Seasoned players’ minds are like calculators, making their decisions in nanoseconds. For novices, reasoning through a bet or a hand slows down “the action” or speed of play at the table. For a poker night of novices, it’s wise to go slow, get to know the betting style of your opponents, and think for ten seconds or so before you bet or fold.

  BEVERAGE OF CHOICE: Cocktails on ice, with sliced fruit and a swizzle stick. My personal favorite is a vodka tonic. The ice is good for contemplative, aggressive chewing during rounds of betting. The swizzle stick gives you something to put your eyes on while bluffing. The alcohol becomes a wild card in and of itself. By round two or three of drinks, the game will get a lot more interesting. Players who can hold their liquor are at a distinct advantage.

  Omaha Hold ’Em

  Same objective and rules as Texas Hold ’Em, but with four (instead of two) pocket cards per player.

  BEVERAGE OF CHOICE: Same as Texas Hold ’Em: cocktails on the rocks with fruit, but with four ice cubes instead of two per glass.

  Five Card Draw

  The easiest poker game, ergo, a top choice for heavy drinking and clothing removal (see Strip Poker, below).

  THE OBJECTIVE: Make the best five-card hand.

  1. Each player is dealt five cards facedown. The initial bets are made.

  2. Each player can discard zero to three cards, or more, depending on house rules. Another round of betting follows.

  3. Showdown. Player with best hand wins the pot.

  BEVERAGE OF CHOICE: Beer, like you’re back in college at a barley-and-hops-soaked party in a stinky basement. Drink brew straight from the bottle or can, no coasters, or in a plastic cup.

  Strip Poker

  Same rules as Five Card Draw, but horny. This version can be played “heads up” (with just two players) or in a group. Instead of betting chips or cash between rounds of discarding and dealing, the winner of the showdown takes an item of clothing from his or her opponent(s).

  THE OBJECTIVE: To be the last player with any clothes on. Or not.

  THE TRUE OBJECTIVE: To get some serious “action” (in the traditional sense). The longer this game lasts, the more sizzling and hot the players will be at its climax (as it were).

  BEVERAGE OF CHOICE: Champagne! Or shots of tequila. Or sweet concoctions made with rum and cherries, or Amaretto, or Bailey’s Irish Crème, or White Russians of equal parts Kahlua, milk, and vodka.

  Seven Card Stud

  This game makes my head hurt. It’s complicated and annoying and I’m going to breeze through it because no one plays it except for diehards in seedy casinos in Reno.

  THE OBJECTIVE: Make the best five card hand out of the seven cards dealt to each player.

  1. The dealer distributes two facedown cards and one faceup card to each player.

  2. The player with the visible high card is the first to bet. The other players call, raise, or fold.

  3. The dealer distributes four rounds of one faceup card to each player, followed by four rounds of betting, calling, or folding.

  4. The dealer distributes one more facedown card (making seven for each player still in the game). The visible high hand starts a final round of betting.

  5. Showdown.

  6. Winner takes the pot.

  BEVERAGE OF CHOICE: Cheap whisky in a dirty glass. Use a rusty nail to stir.

  “What Beats What?”

  Ranking Poker Hands Guide

  From best to worst:

  ROYAL FLUSH: ten, jack, queen, king, ace of the same suit (you will never get this, but dare to dream)

  STRAIGHT FLUSH: any five cards of the same suit in order (for instance, all hearts, 6-7-8-9-10)

  FOUR OF A KIND: four of the same card (a hand might look like this: Q-Q-Q-Q-4)

  FULL HOUSE: any pair plus any three of a kind (say, 7-7-7-5-5)

  FLUSH: any five cards of the same suit

  STRAIGHT: five cards in order of any suit

  THREE OF A KIND: three of the same card

  TWO PAIR: two pairs of any cards

  ONE PAIR: you know what this is—two of a kind

  HIGH CARD: None of the above? Player with the high card wins. The ace is the highest card.

  If two or more players have a flush, then the “higher flush” wins. To have higher flush, or higher straight, your high card must be better than your opponent. For example, say you have five diamonds (4-6-7-9-J), and your opponent also has five diamonds (2-6-7-9-K). Your opponent wins because she has a king high flush vs. your jack high flush. If you have a straight (8-9-10-J-Q), and your opponent has a straight (7-8-9-10-J), you win with a queen high straight vs. her jack high straight. Same thing with full houses. If you and another player both have a full house, the player with the higher full house wins. Say you have 6-6-6-7-7, and your opponent has 7-7-7-6-6. She wins because her three of a kind is higher than yours.

  GLOSSARY

  For at-home po
ker, you can use any damn terms you want. It’s your house. Your friends. Your booze. Your special brownies. You might not want to say, “I fold.” You folded three loads of laundry today already, and don’t want the reminder during your fun night of greed and lying. “I call” might remind you that you forgot to return your mother-in-law’s five urgent messages. “I check” naturally brings to mind the pile of bills on your desk. Substitute word choice at will. Personally, I prefer to say the noble “acting” to “bluffing.” It sounds more creative and artsy.

  If you plan a trip to Atlantic City or Las Vegas to play poker against real gamblers with real money, you need to understand and speak the language. Some essential words and phrases:

  ACTION: The speed and intensity of play at the table

  ANTE: The amount each player adds to the pot at the beginning of each hand

  BAD BEAT: Losing with a pretty good hand. If you have an ace high straight, and are beaten by a flush, that’s a bad beat.

  BET: Putting money in the pot to stay in the hand

  BLIND (BIG AND SMALL): The blinds are forced bets that are made before each poker hand. The big blind is made by the player second from the left of the dealer. (In a real casino, there is only the professional dealer, so a dealer “button” moves around the table instead.) The small blind made by the player immediately to the left of the dealer (or dealer button). Typically, a small blind is half the big blind ($3 and $6, for example). As the button moves around the table clockwise, so do the blinds.

  BLUFF: Pretending you have a better hand than you really do to make a sucker fold—or, as I like to call it, “acting”

  BURN AND TURN: The dealer puts one card to the side before dealing a faceup community card

  BUTTON: A plastic button that moves clockwise around the table, denoting the dealer