“Can I think about it? I just want to get the divorce over with. He can’t actually stop me from divorcing him?”
“No, but he can make it a drawn-out process that will likely cost you both a lot of money.”
“Will you… Will you keep me posted?”
“Of course.”
“Thank you.” I end the call feeling defeated already.
“That didn’t sound fun. Everything okay?” Jess asks, concern clear in her voice. We arranged to meet over lunch as we’ve not seen much of each other since I moved out.
“Not really. Phil hasn’t returned the acknowledgement of receipt. It’s a form that tells the court he’s received the divorce petition. I now have to prove he’s received it before we can move proceedings along. God, why is he doing this?”
“Oh, sweetie, I know he’s being a dick. Have you heard from him since the other evening?”
“No. And I don’t want to after what he said. He threatened me, and if you weren’t there, I’m sure he would have hit me.” I grit my teeth and force the tears back down. I want to be strong, but right now, it’s difficult to remember that. “He’s going to make leaving him so much harder. He doesn’t want to split the house, either.”
“He can’t do that, can he?”
“He can object to what I proposed. He can’t stop the divorce, but he’s going to do everything he can to hurt me. I just want it to be over.”
“It will be. How’s Seb?”
“He’s good. We’re good. He hasn’t said anything about it, but I know he wants me to be finished with Phil as soon as possible. I think that’s why he wanted me to move in so quickly. It’s his way of tying us together.”
“Well, that and he adores you.”
My cheeks heat at her reassurance of Seb’s feelings. “Thank you for meeting me for lunch. I needed to get out today. Plus, I miss being able to talk to you quite so freely.”
“Hey, that was your doing. Nothing to do with me.” Jess holds up her hands in mock protest.
“Don’t let me get lost, okay?”
Her playful expression falls from her face. “Hey, you won’t. I don’t even know what you mean by that, but it won’t happen.”
“It’s just that there’s so much I’m unsure of, it’s daunting. The new relationship with Seb is moving really fast. Yet I’m not even divorced. I want to close that part of my life, but Phil’s not making it easy. I don’t feel in control of how my life is progressing. I feel adrift, like I’ve lost part of me, of Izzy.”
“It’s just new to you. That’s why you’re feeling lost. You aren’t, trust me. If you feel like you might be, then you call and we’ll talk it through, okay?”
“Thanks, Jess, for being there for me. Again.”
“Always.” We hug and my throat clogs with the relief that Jess is in my life. Despite my fears or my worries, she’s always there for me.
“Right, I need to go. You have a report to finish for Mark and an ex-husband to divorce. I’ll see you soon. Stay strong.”
Jess heads out of the restaurant and I try to absorb her words. I feel anything but strong at this moment. I’d hoped, at the beginning of this, that Phil and I could work things out between us, amicably, like adults—acknowledge what we had, and decide to move on. He must have been unhappy. Why else would he be seeing other women? That’s the reason I ended up finding Seb.
We’d loved each other, once upon a time—I thought. His lack of cooperation makes me think the last twelve years has been a sham.
As if he knows I was thinking about him, Phil’s name flashes on my phone.
“What is it, Phil?”
“I want you to stop this divorce bullshit and come to your senses. Why are you doing this, Izzy?”
“Well you should have thought about that before cheating on me and treating me like crap. I want a divorce and you can’t stop this.”
“Well, I disagree.”
“You can’t just ignore the paperwork. You will be served the petition and then whether you respond or not doesn’t matter. I will divorce you.” I hang up and tear my way through the reception area and up to my desk.
Phil’s attitude makes my blood boil. Frustration radiates through me and I want to scream. Why is he doing this? My phone vibrates, and I nearly hurl it across the office. Looking down, I see it’s just my alarm to text Seb. He’s been very clear on keeping him updated as to my whereabouts. I don’t mind. I thought it was nice to start with; we’d text back and forth and I’d feel connected to him. Now, I have to text him regularly and it’s just a check-in, no back and forth. It makes me feel small, and I don’t understand why they’ve stopped being personal.
I pull up the files that I need to complete the report Mark has been asking for, and focus back on the familiar work in front of me, the area of my life I know inside and out.
The weekend arrives, and Seb and I relax, sleep in, eat and become accustomed to living with each other. So far, it’s heavenly, and it helps that he’s a wonderful cook who likes to spoil me. Our bubble lasts until Tuesday morning when Seb has to go to London.
“I’ll be back Friday night, but not until late.” Seb is still in bed, but I am rushing to finish getting ready for work. Lucky for me, I am busy and it will keep my mind off the fact that Seb is leaving.
“I know.”
“And don’t forget, I want you to keep checking in with me. We agreed. I might be in London, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to know what you’re doing and that you’re alright. Regular messages, every other hour, and phone me if Phil so much as sends you a text.”
“Yes, I’ve got it.” I grab my blazer from the wardrobe and my black heels, sliding my feet into them before I lean over and kiss Seb goodbye.
“Is that all I get? I’m not seeing you for three days and all I get is a quick peck?” His sexy smile and hooded eyes betray the intention behind his comment. I walk back to his side of the bed and kiss him properly. I draw myself back before we get carried away. If I let myself, I’ll get sucked into my own tailspin about Seb going away. Keeping busy is my key. Lucky for me, that isn’t going to be a problem this week.
“What’s wrong, Isabel?”
“I’ll miss you and I’m trying not to think about it. Now, I need to get to work. I’ve got a client presentation at 1:00 p.m. today and one tomorrow. I’m nervous.” He looks at me and cups my cheek in his hand. My reaction is automatic; I nuzzle into him, happy to take the affection.
“I’ll miss you, too, sweetheart. Get going. Good luck with your presentation. Remember to text me when you get to work. That’s not optional. I want to know you are somewhere safe. I’ll see you in a couple of days.”
“Okay, I will. But I can’t when I’m with clients.”
“That’s fine.”
“Thank you.” Any more talking and my nerves and fear would have gotten to me. Since the weekend, I’ve felt so much better, and I need to get through this separation without any drama.
“Drive safely. I love you,” I throw back as I leave the room and pick up my bags. I can do this.
I get into work a little earlier than usual. It gives me the much-needed time to get my head together for the client presentation later on. It’s the first one I’ve done with Mark, and I want it to go well.
He’s been impressed with the strategies I’ve pulled together, and since Christmas, he has been giving me more projects to look over. The next few days couldn’t have come at a better time with Seb being away. I text him before firing up the computer and getting myself a much-needed coffee.
“All ready for later?” Mark startles me as I’m pouring my liquid caffeine.
“Um… I think so.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. They like the work we’ve been doing, and the new campaigns have seen a positive spike in ROI.” I know all of this because I’ve been the one to run the analysis.
“I know. I’m just not looking forward to the presenting part.”
“I’ll be doing most o
f it. They are due in at 1:00 p.m. so let’s meet at 12:30 p.m. to run through. Beta conference room, okay?”
“Okay.” I turn back to my coffee.
“You’re doing really good work, Izzy. I’m glad I got you to look at the client portfolios.” Mark’s praise is very welcome.
“Thank you.” Training people is one thing. Running their campaigns to effect significant impact on sales is something very different. I love my job, and I have found comfort in the knowledge that I’m good at this. Hearing Mark confirm it really helps.
I’ve drilled my campaign slides to death. I know all the figures, and what’s behind them, by heart. I’m ready.
“Izzy, slight change of plans.” Mark is standing over my desk looking flustered. “The people from Sportletic are here early. Something about a miscommunication about times. We need to present now. Come on.” Mark’s words make my stomach turn at the prospect of going through this without a final briefing with Mark. I see my phone on my desk. I’m not going to be able to let Seb know.
“Are they here already?”
“They are in the welcome room, giving us a few minutes to get set up. Come on… we need to do this.” I grab the files from my desk and scurry after Mark.
Going through all of the information in my head is one thing. Repeating it aloud, with conviction, to a bunch of strangers who could pull their business from us is quite another. Three suits in their mid-thirties walk in and sit on the opposite side of the conference table. They’ve built a successful sports company, Sportletic, and are expanding to launch a new fitness app. The initial campaign we managed for them has performed well, but Mark needs to sell the next phase to ensure they stick with us. My palms are sweaty and my heartbeat has quickened. I take a final glance at my notes and my phone. There’s a text from Seb, but it will have to wait. I didn’t have time to text him my change of plans.
Mark makes the introductions and starts the presentation. As per plan, I provide my input regarding the social media campaign strategy. All three suits pay attention, nodding along. The youngest of the three makes copious amounts of notes but doesn’t ask me any direct questions.
It turns out that the men from Sportletic were saving their questions until the end of the presentation. Nearly two and a half hours later, we finally shake hands, confident that we will be putting our plans into action.
“Oh god, I didn’t think they would ever stop with the questions.”
“I know. You did really well, though, Izzy. You really showed you knew the account. You should be working the client pitches more often.” My knees feel wobbly and I collapse back into my chair, exhausted from the grilling we took. “We have the same again tomorrow with Everlyn, but hopefully that will be more relaxed. They aren’t going anywhere. They just need to see a shift in direction.” I knew tomorrow would be the easier of the two.
I peek at my phone. Two more texts from Seb.
Good luck with the presentation later. S
Text me back when you get this. S
What’s going on? We agreed on this. Please text me. S
I’m fine, the presentation got moved at the last minute and I didn’t have time to text. Love you Izzy
I take my notes and head back to my desk. Before I reach it, my phone starts vibrating in my hand. I know who it is.
“Hello.”
“Isabel, can you talk?”
“Quickly, I’m at my desk.”
“What happened? I was worried when you didn’t respond. Did the presentation go alright?”
“Yes, it went really well. They asked lots of questions, though, and it was a little off-putting having no time to go over it with Mark first.”
“They moved up the time?”
“Yes, I told you that.” I know I have to bring up my feelings about these texts. The pause on the line screams tension and I hate that, after only a few hours, we’ve lost what we had over the weekend.
“Seb… these texts, checking in with you, it makes me feel like a child. Like you are literally checking up on me.”
“Izzy. It may seem intrusive to you, but I like knowing what you’re doing and where you are. I also like that I’m keeping myself at the forefront of your mind. Think of it as another form of submission, doing something you know will please me. If that’s not enough of a reason, it’s a way for me to keep you beside me wherever I am, and with your situation with Phil… Izzy… when you don’t respond, I’m afraid he’s cornered you somewhere and the next call will be from Jess.”
“I’m sorry,” I say in a soft voice.
“I think we need to talk this through when I get back.”
“Okay.”
“Do you have any plans for tonight?”
I haven’t, but I suddenly need to see Jess. “I’m probably seeing Jess. I’ll let you know.” The tension drips with every word we speak. It’s clear that neither of us wants to leave the conversation where it is.
“Stay in touch.”
“I will.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
I leave the office early and head straight to Jess’s with a quick text to her as I get in the car. It’s a weeknight so the likelihood is that she’ll be in.
“Jess, it’s me. Are you home?”
“Kitchen. You alright?” I walk in and join her. She’s sitting at the kitchen table with her laptop open in front of her.
“Working? Sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in. I just needed to talk, and to see you, of course.”
She grins up from behind her screen. “No, I’m just checking some emails. Put the kettle on, or the gin is in the cupboard if you need something stronger.”
“I think we’ll start with tea.”
“Okay then… spill.” She shuts the laptop and gives me her undivided attention.
“Hear me out before telling me that I’m crazy.”
“No promises. If you’re being really stupid, I’m going to cut you off and tell you. I’ll be gentle, though.” She wags her eyebrows at me. I bring the steaming mug of tea over to her and collapse next to her, my arms bracing my head against the table. “Oh, hun, come on. I’m only playing. Tell me. I’m sure we can figure it out.”
“I know we can. I’m being stupid.” My voice is muffled from trying to speak while still hiding.
“Will you at least tell me why you’re being stupid so I can help you fix it?”
I sit back up and heave out a breath.
“Seb’s away, and we have this agreement where I’m supposed to check in every other hour via text. He worries about me, especially with the Phil thing. He’s been quite clear and I’ve agreed. I was at work and the presentation I was delivering got rescheduled and I missed a couple of texts. He got mad because I didn’t tell him I would be late with the texts.” My summary is as basic as I can make it, providing enough information that Jess can help, but without explaining everything else that goes on between Seb and me.
“Okay, he asked you to do something. You couldn’t. You’re mad because…?”
“Because he was being unreasonable, and it’s ridiculous that he needs me to text that regularly. We used to have fun text conversations, but now it’s just… Get the gin. I’ll grab some ice. I need a drink.” Jess looks confused by my sudden energy, but quickly follows along.
Armed with large drinks, we curl up on the sofa.
“Right, I need to explain a few things about our relationship. That way you might see where I’m coming from.”
“Okay, I’m listening.” The playful Jess from earlier seems to have disappeared with the addition of alcohol.
“Do you know anything about D/s—Dominance and submission?”
“Uh… in principle.” Her brows pinch together as if I’ve said something that she disapproves of.
“Right, well… I’ve always had this urge or want to give up control in the bedroom, to have my partner look after my needs, not have to make any of the choices. I make nothing but decisions all day, every day. I longed to give it up in the bedroom.�
� I feel my own cheeks pink at my confession. Jess doesn’t bat an eyelash, so I continue. “Well, after I first met and got to know Seb, he saw that I had some submissive traits. Turns out that he has some dominant traits and that’s a big part of our connection.”
“Go on.” Jess is now eager to hear my words, her focus locked on me.
“Well, that was what I wanted—to give over control in the bedroom. But since I moved in, Seb wants to see if we can have that same dynamic outside of the bedroom as well, to see if I am naturally submissive to him at other times, and find out where my balance lies. We agreed to two times a week where I’ll submit to his control. I’ll do as he instructs or asks, completely. It’s what he wants.”
“This is outside of the bedroom now?”
“Yes. The other day he chose what I wore to work, what we’d do. Little things like that.”
“Okay, so where does the text stuff come in?”
“Well, he wants me to text him and keep him updated in general. All the time. I have to let him know what I’m doing and where I am. At first, it was nice. It made me feel like he was watching out for me. Now…”
“Now, what?”
“I feel stifled, like I need to report to him. It makes me feel like he’s in charge of me. Which is fine in the bedroom. I like that, but I don’t like the idea of giving up all of my control outside of it. I’ve been self-sufficient for so long. Relying on Phil was never an option. I’ve gone from one extreme to the other. I wanted our relationship to pick up where we started. When we were together, it was so good, so natural.”
“And you don’t feel that way now?” Jess goes back to nursing her drink.
“No, I do. It is, when we’re alone. But the submitting stuff is hard. I’m constantly wrestling with my feelings. Phil won’t let me move on. Seb made the choice for me to move in. I have to do what he says. Alone, each of those things is fine. All together, it’s all… It’s all too much. Everything’s changing and I’m feeling lost.”
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