“But you wanted change? You certainly didn’t want to stay with Phil.”
“No, I most definitely didn’t want to stay with Phil. It’s just… I’m worried that I’m no good at the submissive stuff outside of the bedroom and that Seb wants that. What if I’m not enough?” My lips tremble at the thought. I don’t let the tears fall.
“Oh, hun. Look, I know that Seb adores you. He is head over heels for you. There is a lot going on for both of you. It’s only been a few weeks. Don’t rush things. Take it slowly. You won’t lose yourself, but I think you need to be open with Seb on how you’re feeling. Seb forced the moving in thing, despite your gut reservations. You love him. Give yourself some time and have some patience. Isn’t this new for Seb as well?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Then don’t be so hard on yourself, or him. I think you’re expecting to walk straight into an established relationship. You should be enjoying this time.”
“Says the girl with commitment problems.” I take a long draw of my drink, glad of the momentary break.
“Hey, don’t deflect. You came to me. I haven’t even called you crazy yet.”
“Am I being stupid?”
“I think you have a lot of things to deal with. You’ve left your husband, and he’s being a dick. You’ve started a relationship with the man you had an affair with and have moved straight in with him. Then there’s all the dominance and submission stuff.” She puts her drink down and whispers to me, “We’re going to talk more about that when we’ve had another drink, right?”
“Yes, Jess.” I burst into laughter. “If you want, we can talk.”
“Good, because I’m trying to stay focused on the relationship crap. Iz, you really need to stop freaking out over everything. You’re not going to lose him. He moved you in, for God’s sake.”
“I know. I told you I’m stupid, but it’s really hard.”
“Give it some time and talk to your man.”
“That simple?”
“Hell, I don’t know. I’m Miss No Commitment, but it sounds like you’re trying too hard.”
I think about everything Jess has said. She’s right. I might have some fears, but isn’t that normal at the start of a relationship? Aren’t my concerns normal for any new couple, but with a few minor variations? We’re both adjusting and there is a huge amount to contend with.
“So, more drink?”
“I can only have one as I’ve got another presentation tomorrow.”
“You’ll still spill about the bedroom stuff, right?”
“Do you fancy it, Jess? Handing yourself over to a man to do whatever he likes to you?” I grin, knowing just how good that can be.
“No, I don’t think so. I’m more of an in-charge kinda girl in the bedroom.” We both giggle as she heads to top up our drinks.
After last night’s girl time, today starts out much better. I stayed over at Jess’s as I’d had a drink and didn’t want to be up too late. I called Seb and told him that we needed to talk on Friday, but that I’d try harder with the communication.
I text Seb at regular intervals but try to put more effort into them. If I change my view of the texts, stop thinking of them as a check and frame them as just keeping in touch, I feel more comfortable. Not forgetting the scenario of yesterday, I warn him that I have another client meeting and that it could run over. I explain that I’ll text as soon as I get out.
Seb explained this to me during our heated words yesterday, but it wasn’t until today that I could understand and use it to help. Instead of these being restrictions and control placed on me, I am doing something to please Seb—something that he needs. It’s a simple flip of motivation but it helps a great deal.
By the end of the day, I am buzzing. The Everlyn presentation went better than expected. They increased their budget with us, and Mark wants to meet with me first thing on Monday. Not even arriving home to an empty apartment can dampen my smile.
I soak in the bath for far too long. My toes have pruned and there’s no room to top the tub up with more hot water. I reluctantly step out and get ready for bed. It has been a long week.
Walking around the apartment, I try to look at everything through new eyes. I considered this place Seb’s when I moved in. I still do, but I want those pictures to go. Pictures of beautiful, half-naked women only serve as a reminder of my insecurities. If I am going to make my relationship with Seb work, then I need to overcome my self-doubts, but that doesn’t mean I need to live with artful reminders of what I’m not on the walls. Seb has asked that I don’t compare him with Phil, and I’m not. They are worlds apart, but that doesn’t mean that I can shake my little demons. A shudder racks my body as I think back to all of the times that Phil lied to me. In the beginning, I didn’t notice. I still trusted him. By the end, I didn’t care.
With Jess’s words from last night still fresh in my mind, I relax and try to see our relationship objectively. I am allowed to have concerns and fears. That doesn’t mean that the relationship won’t work.
Seb has moved me in. My bags and coat are in the entrance hall, my toiletries in the bathroom and my clothes in the wardrobe. He is serious about me. He wouldn’t do that—fight for me to move in—if he wasn’t. Can I adapt and learn to accept all the elements of the submissive relationship that he wants? I need to give myself time to find out.
I head to bed and move to Seb’s side, inhaling his clean scent that clings to the pillow. So many of my actions echo those of my past visits, but they seem so far removed from how I feel now.
I need to talk to Seb, communicate properly with him and stop being afraid. He couldn’t have stressed the importance of being open and honest more vehemently, yet I’ve shirked every opportunity. Not purposefully, just out of habit and fear. I can’t do that any longer. I won’t. I want to try harder for Seb.
I can’t wait until you’re back. Love you. Izzy
I can’t wait to be back, sweetheart. S
I’m looking forward to our talk when you come home. I have done a lot of thinking. Izzy x
He doesn’t respond straight away, but it’s just past nine in the morning. He might be busy. I push the fleeting doubt from my mind and get on with my day. I’m finally feeling positive. The doubt has finally eased and allowed the good to blossom.
I’ve promised myself I’ll talk to Seb tonight before we go any further, and I need to apologise. That’s my game plan. I just have to stick to it for the rest of the day.
I know it’s only been a few days since I last saw Seb, but the last few hours seem to pass slower than the first two days combined. Keeping up with my texts helps with the countdown, but it also increases my nerves about our talk this evening. Each text sets off my mind and I keep going over what I’m going to say. Rationally, I know that I shouldn’t be nervous. I am doing something that Seb wanted from me from the start. My stomach doesn’t seem to get the message.
There are no plans for tonight other than our talk. Our text messages seem fine, but our last few phone conversations have been less than happy. I want the tension between us gone.
I leave the office at five and head home. I know Seb will be home late, but that doesn’t matter. I’d rather pace and work myself up about how I am going to apologise at home than stay at work.
After trying to distract myself with my Tumblr page on my iPad, I change into a dress that I know Seb will approve of and head to the kitchen. It’s late enough to start some food, and I want to make my favourite go-to dish. I used to eat this at least once a week. Garlic, peppers and olive oil make a quick and simple sauce for spaghetti, topped with basil and parmesan. I get everything ready and leave pulling it together until I know Seb has parked.
I pour the wine and wait, nibbling at the crumbs of cheese ready to coat the pasta.
I’m just parking. I’ll be up in 5. S
Finally! I jump into action and make the final preparations for the food, setting it on the breakfast bar.
I hear the click of the
door. When he enters, I throw my arms around his neck and hug him as hard as can. With everything going on in these three short days, I didn’t realise just how much I missed him. As soon as I feel his touch, a part of me eases and I relax, the tension evaporating on its own.
“Miss me?” I hear the sexy smile in Seb’s voice.
“Yes. You know I did.” I pull back and look at his handsome face. My eyes drop to his lips, my hunger for pasta instantly replaced by a hunger for Seb. I pull my lip between my teeth, fighting the urge to kiss his lips. I pull out of his grasp and reach for his hand, taking him toward the kitchen where our dinner awaits.
“You cooked for me?”
“I can cook, Seb.”
“Sorry, I know. It’s just unexpected. Dinner will be a lovely treat. Thank you. It smells delicious.”
“This is one of my favourite pasta dishes. I hope you like it.”
“I will. Can I wash up first? I’ve been in a car for the last five hours.”
“Yes! Of course. Sorry.”
“Relax. I’ll just be a minute. Then we can eat.”
A few minutes pass and he comes back to the kitchen and turns me on my bar stool.
“If I wasn’t starving, we’d be in the bedroom before we got to the food. I’ve missed you.” My cheeks blush and I’m struck by how such a simple compliment has given me such pleasure. I hold on to that thought and gesture for Seb to sit down and tuck in. The sooner we get through food, the sooner we can talk. I know if Seb takes me to bed, I’ll lose my courage and focus. We can spend all night in bed. After we talk.
Seb’s appreciative moan adds pressure to my swelling heart. This. This is what I want. To please Seb.
“Mmm, this is delicious.”
“Thank you.” I pick at my food, my appetite non-existent. The time for talking is upon us.
“You’re not eating. Is something wrong?”
“No, I’ve just… I need to talk to you and I’m a little nervous about how you’ll react to what I say.” I twirl my fork in the pasta, keeping my eyes focused away from Seb’s.
“Would you feel more comfortable talking as I eat? Then we can go to bed.” He tilts my chin until I meet his gaze. It both calms and stirs my emotions.
“Yes, please. Is that okay?”
“Talk to me, Izzy.” He lowers his lips and brushes mine, encouraging me to talk. He turns back to his food, giving me space.
“I want to say sorry first. I didn’t think about how my reaction to moving in together would affect you. I was also feeling uncomfortable about how often you wanted me to text you.”
“Thank you for acknowledging that.” I wait for him to finish, but he goes back to the pasta and takes a long draw on his glass of wine.
“I think, with everything that happened between us and the changes in my life, I was feeling unsettled. Jess told me I needed to be patient and not expect everything to just fall into place. I think she’s right. I should allow us some time to work things out. So I’m going to try harder.” I seem to have glossed over the control part and my doubts around the submission, but I’ve been clear on wanting to try.
“Anything else you want to add?” He’s still not looking at me. It helps my ability to get the words out. He’s encouraging me.
“I may have some doubts, but that’s just my insecurities talking.” I try to brush off my worries. “Do you want some more wine?” I jump off my seat and head to the fridge. After I top up both our glasses, Seb pulls me towards him, the bottle of wine still in my hand, and begins to nuzzle my neck.
“If you’ve finished with food, I want us to go to bed. Now.” The change in Seb’s tone sends ripples of excitement through me. I nod my response, setting the wine bottle on the counter top before Seb pulls me through to the bedroom. He makes short work of my dress, revealing my naked skin beneath. Seb pulls the covers back and gestures for me to climb in. I turn and watch as he efficiently strips out of his suit. He stalks to the bed and scoots under the covers with me. Seb turns me so my back is pressed up against his chest and he links our legs, connecting us from shoulder to toe.
Strong, sure arms hold me in place and his lips rest on the shell of my ear.
“Now, I want you to tell me everything that has been going through your head. You’re safe. I’ve got you and I’m not letting you go. Talk to me.”
So much for keeping a few things to myself!
I know I have to do this, so I steel myself for what’s coming. At least he isn’t making me tell him face to face.
“What more do you want me to say?”
“I need you to tell me all of your feelings and not just what you think is enough. This relationship is new for both of us. You’re right. I need to know what you’re struggling with.”
“I feel like I’m losing my independence. Like I said before, everything is happening so fast and I’m trying to find my feet.” Seb begins lightly tracing patterns on my skin, coaxing me to open up further to him. “I used to enjoy the texts, but I don’t want to feel like a child checking in with a parent. I didn’t understand your point.”
“Go on, sweetheart.”
“I know you want to see me as your submissive outside the bedroom, but it’s the bedroom stuff that I long for. The rest of it, I’m not sure. I seem to fight with myself over what I want and pleasing you. And I’m not sure if I’ll be enough for you if I’m no good at it.” I release the tension I’ve been holding, racing to get the final words out. Now I’ve said them, they are still scary, yet being wrapped in Seb helps to ward off the worst of my fear.
Seb pulls me back even closer to his body, if that’s possible.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this earlier?” His voice is soft and soothing.
“I didn’t want to disappoint you. Plus, it’s something that I’m only just grasping myself. You know how I struggled with the homework you set for me. I want to please you. That hasn’t changed. I’m just… I don’t want to give up all of my independence. I never had to check in with someone else all the time. I made my own decisions, and I don’t feel comfortable letting that go.”
He turns me around so we’re face to face, and I risk looking up to his eyes. “Don’t you know how I feel about you? You are all I will ever want or need. I want to push you, test your boundaries and find out what you’re comfortable with. Your trust is a gift to me, as is your love. I love you, Izzy, and I won’t do anything to jeopardise us.”
He said he loves me! He said he loves me!
I can’t help the smile that cracks across my face in response to those three little words. Three little words that have cemented my heart as Seb’s. They dissolve my doubts, and I’m left with a shimmer of expectancy for what will happen next.
“Let’s pull back on the submissive days. Take it one step at a time. I still want you to try for me.” It’s not a question, but his eyebrow rises, seeking my agreement. I nod, elated with his words. “Good. Now, I’m going to worship your body with my tongue and you’re not going to come until I’m buried inside you. You’re going to feel just how much I love you.”
I love you. Those three words have been a soothing elixir to my woes. The last two weeks have been brilliant. Work is going better than ever. Seb’s only been gone for the odd overnight stay, and I know that the solicitor is moving the divorce forward. Balance has resumed, and with it, my confidence.
Since the argument with Seb, I’ve tried to be more open with expressing my feelings. In return, he’s not pushed me past what we’ve already done. I’m happy and I’m in love. It’s been a long time since I woke up in the morning and felt those things.
Even on my non-submissive days, I’ve fallen into the habit of getting coffee for us in the morning. Since I’m the one with the greater need for caffeine, it suits me just fine.
I bring the coffee back into the bedroom and place it on Seb’s side of the bed. He walks into the room behind me and I turn to watch him hovering.
“Do you trust me?”
“Of cours
e, Seb. Why?”
“In your room, I’ve put out a garment bag containing some clothes. Take the bag with you to work. Change into the clothes at the end of the day. Wear only what I put in the bag. I’ll pick you up.”
“I don’t understand. It’s not Tuesday or…”
“Trust me, Isabel. I’m going to show you something that’s important to me. You’ll wear your anklet. Do you understand?” His voice has dropped. He’s serious about this.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise. You’ll have to trust me.”
“Yes, I’m sorry.”
“Good girl. Come here.” He pulls me in to his side, softening the bite from his words. Logically, I know he’s pushing me. We’ve had a few weeks of taking it steady. This is all new for him as well. I’d hoped that things would remain as they were, at least for a little while longer, although I’ve never told Seb that. “This evening will challenge you. It’s more than I’ve expected of you when we’ve played together previously, but it’s something I’d like to try and explore with you.”
I’m caught in that heady mix of nervous excitement, amplified by my growing arousal at Seb’s words. As much as I may have encroaching doubts over how much of the time I want Seb to be in control, it still sets my pulse racing when he is. My breathing, for one, is a giveaway that he’s sure not to miss.
“Doing what I tell you turns you on, doesn’t it, Isabel?” His warm hand travels down my body until it’s resting on my hip. I surrender to the look of craving in his eyes and lie back on the bed. He continues drawing little patterns on my skin, inching one way, then the other. His patterns strategically hitch my cami-top higher on my stomach and his wandering hands peel my knickers from my hips.
He finally brushes against my clit. He presses harder, stroking through my pussy. “Fuck, I’m never going to get tired of feeling how wet you are for me.”
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