“But…?”
“Does there have to be a but?” I look at his chest, hiding as I know what’s coming.
“But you still don’t think you’re enough for me. You still worry. So…” He pulls me into him and wraps me tightly against his body. “I think we should move, get a new place together that’s just for us. It can be our home. We can build it together.”
I look at Seb, the concern now gone from his face. It’s like him asking me to move in with him all over again. I’m trapped between screaming at him and hugging him. My voice is trapped inside my throat. I don’t think I’d be able to speak, even if I knew what to say.
“Are you going to say anything or just stare at me?”
“I’m not sure what to say at the moment. We’re already living together.”
“I know. But I want us to start building our future together. I understand that you have insecurities and I want to help ease these for you. I want to show you that you’re it for me. Having our own home will help. You can stop worrying if you know you’ll be enough for me.”
“I can’t commit to something as significant as buying a house with you, just like that. Besides, I don’t have any money and I won’t until the divorce becomes final and the house I owned with Phil is sold. Hopefully, I can avoid a court date now and things will move a little faster.”
“Oh, why’s that?”
My heart stops and my stomach lurches. I try to sit up on Seb’s lap but his arms have turned to steel bands, locking me to him. “Have you spoken to him?” Seb’s voice has gone eerily soft.
“Yes.”
“When was this?”
“He caught me as I was leaving work.” I know that I should have told him this first, but I wanted to have the good news before the bad.
“I’ve been quite clear that you’re to tell me every time you have any contact with him. Fuck, you were cowering behind your door when I came to pick you up at Jess’s.” He jostles me from his lap and starts pacing round the room. Guilt assaults me as I realise how badly I screwed up, even though it was unintended. Stupid Izzy!
“I just wanted to come home and tell you the good news.”
“Well, that’s what I was hoping for as well—to share something with you to help you. Us!” He fists his hands in his hair and I can’t escape from feeling like a silly little girl. “I’ve tried time and time again to get you to be more open with your feelings and communicate with me. It’s the first rule we had. After everything we’ve been through, I’d hoped that you could at least talk to me now. Clearly, I was wrong.”
No, no, don’t… I can.
“Seb, please. I wanted to have some good news to share with you today. I’ve been better at talking.”
“Yes, when I push you. You offer less now than you did when we were first together. Despite everything, I can’t get through to you.” I stand still, watching Seb pace like a caged animal. “I hate that he was anywhere near you, Isabel. I know you can’t do anything to speed up the divorce, but that decree absolute can’t come quick enough.” Seb heads over to the kitchen, pours himself a drink and swiftly downs another. He walks straight past me and heads towards the door. “I’m going to go out for some air.” He doesn’t turn around and slams the door as he leaves.
I’ve had too much alcohol to drive. I smash through the lobby doors and start along the pavement. I need to get my frustrations in check. Izzy doesn’t seem to understand my feelings for her; as much as I try to show her, she doubts. I’d hoped that being together, her confidence would grow, like it did when we first started seeing each other. Being connected to that shit of a husband keeps crippling her self-confidence, no matter what I do to help her. Fuck! My mood is darker than it has ever been, and I know that unless I get this ache, this pain, out of my system, I won’t be able to go back to her tonight.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pray that it isn’t her. I slow my pace enough to dig my phone out of my trousers and see Natasha’s name on the screen.
Hey, stranger. Do you fancy a drink? Or I could meet you at Solace. Nat.
Drink. I’m walking into town now. We can meet. S
I should have known that would warrant a call from her. My phone rings in my hand before I get a chance to put the damn thing away.
“Hello, Natasha.”
“Don’t give me that tone, Sebastian. Why are you walking into town? It’s a forty-five minute walk.”
“I’ve already had a few drinks tonight and I need to clear my head.” I haven’t slowed my pace. I drive my excess tension into every step.
“Where are you?”
“I’m about five minutes from my apartment. I’ll wait for you outside the Costa.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes. Do you want to go for a drink or to Solace?”
“Drink. I’m in no state to be at Solace.” I know that she’s not going to let that comment slide, but right now, I don’t give a fuck. She might be able to shed some much-needed light on the unresolved issues I have with Izzy.
Twenty minutes later, we’re sitting in a quiet bar of a boutique hotel that Natasha loves, on the outskirts of the city. I turn the heavy glass tumbler around in my fingers, watching the amber liquid ripple in the glass.
“You don’t often brood. It’s unbecoming.” Natasha has allowed me the time on our journey here to compose myself before her scrutiny begins. I knew it would be coming.
“I’ve never been in a position like this before.”
“So why are you brooding?” She sits back and waits.
“Isabel is challenging every part of my self-control and I am struggling with how to deal with that.” She lifts her perfectly shaped eyebrow, offering a disapproving stare. No words are needed. I know that she’s waiting on the full story. “Isabel and I had a fight. I’ve set some expectations regarding how we communicate and she’s struggling with them, to the point of being disobedient.”
“You’re being purposefully vague. I’ve been away for two weeks. We don’t see each other regularly, but who the fuck is Isabel? I swear, Seb, if she’s another vanilla sweetie playing at being a sub just to screw you…”
“No.” My tone leaves no room for question, and even though Natasha is a Domme, she understands when to stop. “She is a beautiful submissive. Vulnerable, yet strong. Sexy as sin and everything I want.”
“So why are you here with me and not with your sub?”
I take the next half hour explaining how Isabel and I got together—our initial friendship, the coincidence of meeting again, her first trusting step into my world. It brings all of the feelings we had—our story—back to my mind, and the frustration and anger ebb away. Natasha listens dutifully. The murderous look she gives me when I gloss over the point where I went up to Manchester tells me that she certainly doesn’t approve.
“You abandoned the woman you love?” This time it’s her tone that leaves no room for question. “Not only do you love her, she is your submissive. You effectively scened with her and then left her aftercare to no-one. You fucked up, Seb.” My opinions on the events before Christmas are different to Natasha’s, but they still hit a nerve.
“I don’t see it like that. I told her I wouldn’t continue our relationship as an affair. She needed to hear it. It was her choice what to do next. I made my intentions very clear to her.” I down the scant inch of liquid left in the glass and head to order another from the bar. I bring back two filled glasses and sit back down, steeling myself for the rest of this conversation.
Natasha has been my mentor, if you will, from my first foray into BDSM. She introduced me to what being a Dom meant and brought me to Solace. She’s helped me to navigate my way through the world that I’ve always wanted to share with the right person. We have, on many occasions, locked horns on what’s right for me. She doesn’t understand my reluctance to play with a different submissive each week. She’s happy being a Domme and isn’t looking to settle down. I constantly battled with finding the right woman who didn’t scare at
the first show of handcuffs.
“So, you fucked up, in my opinion, but you still have her. Explain.” She won’t back down on her opinion on how we ended. For now, I’ll let her have it.
“She left her husband. I wasn’t about to wait for her more than I already had, so I moved her in. I wanted to push to see how far her submissive streak went, so I proposed a TPE on two occasions a week.” That’s what I want. Total Power Exchange. Natasha picks up her glass of water and lets me continue. “As well as that, I imposed some rules around keeping in contact. It was to keep us connected, especially when I was away for work and so I knew if her idiot of an ex came near her.” Thinking about Phil brings out my possessive streak like nothing else. Izzy is mine, body and soul.
“So why are you brooding?”
“Izzy is struggling to find her way with the TPE I introduced, as well as some trust issues. She’s fighting against what she wants to do and what she believes she should.”
“And as her Dom, it’s your job to guide her.”
“I am. I’ve backed off. I know I can’t press her too hard, but at the same time she needs reassurance, consistency. She needs to believe that she’s it for me.”
“Is she?”
“Yes.” I look at Natasha, daring her to challenge me on this. Surprisingly, she doesn’t. She smiles.
“So…”
“She lied to me about why she came home late. Her dick-wad of an ex showed up, and instead of telling me straight away, she told me the other news about her day. I told her that I think we should get our own place. Something for us, but she doesn’t want that, which is fucking ridiculous because we already live together.” I don’t mean to sound so much like a petulant teenager, but I can’t help myself.
“You’re frustrated.”
“No shit.” I down my drink and nurse the empty glass on the table.
“Why are you frustrated?” I think about her question. It’s lots of things; that Izzy and I are struggling, that we haven’t found that perfect balance that seemed to come so naturally when we were seeing each other before. I’m frustrated at myself and at the fact that Phil is still in the picture. I want her to be mine and she won’t believe in that until she’s divorced. I’m all in with her, mind, body and fucking soul, and I’d marry her tomorrow if I could.
I don’t answer her question and instead grow more agitated with my own thoughts.
“Okay, so why did you ask her to move? You said she’s already living with you.”
“She’s moved into my place, yes, but I want more than that with Izzy. She’s a beautiful woman who, at the moment, needs my reassurance. I thought that we could start afresh with our own place. Somewhere for us to build memories, not tainted by the circumstances in which we met or the women in my past. I hoped that she would see this as a step forward together.”
“This is new for you. You’ve found ‘your one’ and now you’re rushing to cement that relationship the only way you know how. By control and force. What about the TPE? How is she responding to that element?”
“I started light. I explained that I wanted to explore it with her. She would light up from within when she submitted, like she could let go of all of her worries and finally be who she wants to me. I want to see more of that Izzy.”
“Good. But you need to remember that she’s vulnerable, sensitive, and probably more so coming out of a marriage. You may be doing it in your ever-so-caring way, but you’re still pushing her. Hard. Give her some time.”
“I’m doing everything I can to offer her what she needs, to show her how much I love her, but it hurts that she doubts that.”
“Do you think she really doubts your love or that she’s struggling with her emotions?”
She raises that eyebrow again, challenging me.
“Fuck.” Natasha’s words make a lot of sense.
“Yes, indeed. What’s she telling you? Communicating to you? Why did she not tell you about Phil right away? Why is she struggling with some aspects of her submission and not others?”
I let out a huge sigh. This has been a barrier for Izzy since the beginning. She struggles to express her feelings.
“She’s not the best at keeping me informed about how she’s feeling. I’ve been working with her on it and been straight from the beginning. She knows the importance of being open and honest with each other.”
Natasha considers my words before issuing her advice. “You’re giving her time and space. Maybe some of these issues are Izzy’s to conquer and not for you to slay.”
Natasha’s words sink in, but they don’t provide me with the same confidence that they usually do. Natasha has always been into the temporary relationship element of D/s. This is out of her sphere of experience just as much as it is mine. I stare into my drink, considering the benefits of one more kick of alcohol through my system. It will certainly help me to sleep in my empty bed tonight.
“Are you going to drink that or go home?”
“Home.” I stand, a solemn weight hanging around my neck. As Isabel’s Dominant, I should be able to anticipate her needs, be there to comfort and protect her, build her confidence and trust. Right now, I’m not, and Izzy isn’t helping the situation. I need to look at why she’s struggling and try to help her. I need her open to me. No more barriers.
The car ride back to my place is filled with silence. Natasha pulls up outside my building and I hesitate when leaving the car.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t wait so long next time. Just because you’re a Dom doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to ask for help or guidance. Will you bring her to Solace?
“I already have.” I can’t help the wicked grin that spreads across my face at that memory.
“Oh, I can’t wait to see that.”
I shut the door and let her pull away. I decide on two things before I make it back to the apartment. One: I will get Izzy to talk to me, and I’m going to show her that it can be a very pleasurable experience. And two: I know that Izzy loves me. She needs time to trust in our love, and I’ll give it to her.
It’s past ten when I finally hear the front door open. I’ve stayed in my room all night, not wanting to risk being in sight when Seb finally comes home. All I’ve had for company are the sad and disappointed thoughts of what led to this.
My body tenses and I strain to hear whether Seb will come and see me.
Soft steps grow louder. They stop and I hold my breath, hoping with everything that I have that the door will creak open. Painful moments tick by. Pressure crushes my chest as the door remains closed. His steps sound again, passing my room. He doesn’t want to talk with me. Where has he been? No! I force that thought away and reach for my phone.
Jess, I’ve messed up. Help! Izzy
What have you done? I’m sure it’s fixable. Jess
I hope that she’s as optimistic once I’ve explained.
Are you still up? Can I call? Izzy
Sure.
“Hey, so tell me what’s happened?”
“We had a real fight.”
“Honey, don’t take this the wrong way, but couples fight.”
“I know, but I did something stupid.”
“What, and you think that Seb’s just going to end things? I know what you’re like, woman. You jump to the wrong conclusion every time. Did you not listen to me last time we spoke?”
“I did and I know that we’ll need some time.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I didn’t tell Seb that Phil was waiting for me by my car at the end of the day. Phil told me that he wanted another chance. I told him it didn’t change anything.”
“Serves him right. He’s crazy, Izzy. You need to stay clear of him.”
“It’s not like I asked for him to scare me half to death as I was trying to get to my car.”
“Alright, calm down.”
“Seb wasn’t very happy that I didn’t tell him straight away.”
“You lied?” she says. “But you know S
eb is, like, super freaky on the Phil front.”
“I didn’t lie. I was going to tell him when I got home, but I wanted to share some good news first. Mark is going to put me up for a promotion. I wasn’t keeping him in the dark. Then Seb mentions getting a house together.” I let my sentence trail off.
“Izzy, why are you struggling so much with this? He wants to keep you safe and keep an eye on you. Most woman would be over the moon if their partner showed that much attention. You do the control thing in the bedroom. I don’t understand. And what house stuff?”
Jess has summed up my quandary. I’m not even sure why I’m having trouble, but I am.
“Seb asked me to move in with him.”
“What do you mean? You’re already living with him.”
“He means buy a house together, or rather him buy something for us.”
“Wow! What’s wrong with the apartment?”
“Nothing. He said that he wanted this for us. He thinks it will help with my worries over being enough for him, but it just makes things worse.”
“You’re going to have to spell this one out for me, Iz. I’m not sure why you had a fight about this. I can understand the Phil thing, but you’re already living with him.”
“I’m struggling with everything that is happening. I’ve gone from Phil not caring about what I do, to Seb who wants me to check in every other hour. Seb loves me fiercely, but that’s not enough to make a relationship work. I thought I loved Phil. I thought we would be together forever, and look where that got me. Plus, there are aspects to our relationship that I’m not yet comfortable with. It feels like I’m losing a part of myself when I agree to submit to him when we’re not physically together. Like I’m losing the independence I have. I didn’t realise the extent of control I would need to give up to have a relationship with Seb. And what if he’s not happy unless I can do it all?”
“And the house thing?”
“I can’t let him buy us a house. I have nothing to put into it until the divorce is over. Then, maybe, but Seb has everything on fast forward. I just want to slow down and build on our relationship.”
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