“Have you told him that?”
“I thought I had. We talked about taking the submission a step at a time. We were doing that. Now this.”
“You need to talk to him. Properly. Pretend that you’re talking to me, like you just did.”
“I know. He hasn’t come in to see me, but I know he’s back.”
I’m quiet for a while, trying to put all the pieces of my muddled brain in order.
“You still there?”
“Yes, yes… I was just thinking.”
“Talk to him. He loves you. You love him. Don’t make it harder than it is.”
“Okay, thanks. How are you, anyway?”
“I’m fine.” Her voice is nonchalant, clearly brushing off my concern.
“Really? And Greg? How are things with him?”
“Fine. Nothing much to say.” I know that Jess doesn’t offer up details until she’s ready to talk. She’ll tell me in her own time.
“Thanks, Jess. I’ll let you know what happens.”
“You better. Good night.”
After I finish with Jess, the room is deathly quiet. I tiptoe to the door and press my ear against the wood, listening for any signs of life. There are none. I grasp the handle of the door but stop. Should I go to him?
I open the door and creep into our bedroom. Seb is lying in bed, half propped up, his arm draped across his forehead. I attempt a stealthy approach, wanting comfort from him above anything else now that I see him. With his free arm, he lifts the covers, and I grab on to his invitation, snuggling up against his chest. He drops the covers back over us.
“Tomorrow, we talk. Now, I need to sleep,” he groans to me.
“Thank you.” I can talk to him and I’ll be open and honest. I’ll tell him everything I told Jess.
As soon as my alarm sounds, I wake up and head to the kitchen to make coffee. Seb is still asleep in bed and I can wake him as I would on one of my submissive days. The kitchen is dark and quiet as I enter, and I make short work of the task.
I tease the bedroom door back open, determined not to wake him, and place the cups down as quietly as possible. Stripping my cami-top and shorts off, I slip under the covers and up to Seb’s warmth. I slide my hand up his back and over his shoulder, pulling him back against me, then I lean over to place a kiss against his lips.
He stirs and opens his mouth at my request. As I deepen the kiss, his arms wake and pull me down to him. We’re lost for a moment, the events of last night firmly in the past.
“What are you doing?” Seb mumbles behind the kiss.
“I’m kissing you awake.” I look down and offer a small smile, suddenly nervous that my plan to offer my submission isn’t what he wants.
“You have coffee?”
“Yes.”
“Is this because you’re giving me control today? Please be clear with me.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“Do you have your anklet on?”
“No, I don’t need it. I want to show you how serious I am and that I know I messed up yesterday.” I sit back on my heels and lower my head, waiting to see how Seb will respond.
“Are you sure? You’ve been hesitant and I’ve been taking things gently these days. Today, I’m not in a soft frame of mind.” His veiled threat sends a shiver through my body. His voice resonates deep within me. Nervous butterflies dance around my stomach, adding to the tension coursing through my limbs. Like this, in a sexual way, I have no concerns over submitting.
“Yes, Sir.” I breathe the words, confirming that I’m handing myself over to him. I know he’ll want me to communicate and I know that I need to.
“Good,” he growls. He lifts my head and places a soft kiss on my lips. “Put on your robe and nothing else. We’re going to talk over breakfast. I’ll cook.” He pulls on a t-shirt, boxers and jeans and leaves me. I grab my robe from the back of the en-suite door and follow him, bringing the coffee with me.
I take a seat at the breakfast bar and watch him go about preparing breakfast. My stomach grumbles in appreciation, having forgotten food last night. Seb doesn’t start the conversation, and I’m left anticipating what he’ll ask or say.
A plate of scrambled eggs and toast slips under my nose before he makes eye contact. I can’t tell if his eyes hold the warmth I long for or the ice from last night still. His body language leaves no doubt that he’s in charge. He’s commanding. He holds the power.
“Have you thought about what happened yesterday?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.”
“I want you to tell me what happened yesterday.”
“Okay, I was at work. Mark caught me at the end of the day to say well done. He said he’d put my name up for promotion. I was really happy. I finished packing up for the day and wanted to get home to tell you when my alarm sounded to text you. I sent the text and then went to my car. Phil approached me at my car and wanted to talk. I didn’t really have an option. He asked if we could try again. He said he’d been stupid and wanted me back. I told him it was too late. I asked him if he’d change his mind about defending the divorce. He agreed. I picked up my keys, got in the car and texted you to say I would be late.” I lay the facts out as simply as possible.
“Go on.”
“I got home and came up to find you drinking. I was worried as you seemed to have had a bad day. You wanted to talk so I told you my news and that’s when you suggested that we buy a house together. I was concerned that we’re moving too fast and suggested that we should wait until I was divorced.”
“Good.” Seb tucks into his food, forking several mouthfuls of egg, and gestures for me to do the same. I pick at the edge, not wanting to have a mouthful of food when I know Seb will want me to talk in a moment.
“Now, I want you to tell me, in exactly the same way you just told me about yesterday, why you are struggling to keep me informed by text.” He goes back to his food, waiting for me to continue.
“I… I don’t mind texting you. I used to enjoy it.” I drop my head and pick a vacant spot to focus on while I try to open my feelings to Seb. “When you used to check in on me, I found it comforting and reassuring. Now I need to check in to a schedule, all thought and feeling has been lost for me. I know that keeping you informed shouldn’t be difficult, but I don’t like that it can interfere with my day and that I’ll be in trouble for it. I don’t see why I have to be so strict. You don’t always reply back and that’s fine, but if I don’t check in, you act like I’ve made this huge mistake. I know we talked about it, but nothing has really changed for me. At the moment, the small things show me that I don’t want you to have so much say over me when we’re not together. It’s different when we are, but it worries me that there might be bigger things I don’t want to do and I’ll end up like those other women. What if I’m not cut out for this?”
I’ve broken through my block. The words are coming more freely. Trying to keep to the facts and being calm and logical is helping.
“Well done.” He leans over and runs his hand over my thigh. “Why didn’t you tell me about Phil?”
“I just wanted to get home to you. I knew if I texted you about Phil, you’d worry. Phil seemed different this time. He was defeated. I’ve never seen him like that, and for once, I wasn’t scared of him.” Seb’s finished his breakfast and turns to face me. He’s watching all of my movements. He picks up on every shift or fidget.
“Okay. Have you finished eating? You’ve hardly touched it.”
“My appetite seems to have deserted me.”
“Alright. Come.” He stands and walks into the bedroom, and I trail in his wake. At the edge of the room, I watch as Seb positions a large pillow in front of one of the posts at the foot of the bed. “Take off your robe and kneel upright on the pillow. Face the bed.” I slip my robe off, move to the bed, and sink into the cushion. “Hold onto the post. Don’t let go.” As I wrap my fingers around the wood, tension steels my body, keeping me in p
osition. “Do you remember when I used the crop on you so you’d tell me why you didn’t want to sleep with Phil?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“I’m going to use it again.” My stomach drops and my skin awakens with goose bumps. “I’m not going to blindfold you. I want you to look straight ahead. Don’t turn around. Understand?”
“Yes, Sir.”
Seb’s feet are quiet against the carpet but I know that he must be going for the crop. I do as I’m told and try to relax against my racing heart. He’s done this to me before, but that doesn’t settle the anxiety fizzing through me.
My palms are sweaty, and I struggle to hold my grip of the post. I try to think back to how it felt before, knelt down and anticipating what Seb would do. The same growing ache has surfaced, drawing my focus and raising my temperature. The first flicks tickle my back. Seb slides the popper down my spine and proceeds to flick soft bites across my lower back. My nerves crackle under the gentle caress. He moves his focus up my back and across my arms before hitting the tips of my nipples.
My breathing falters and I struggle to rein in shuddering breaths. He starts bringing the crop down faster and harder, careful not to hit in the same place. Seb covers my back, breasts and down to my bum with stripes, but he hasn’t asked me anything. I’m panting now. The ache in my stomach is burning hotter than any other part of my skin.
“Why don’t you want to get a place to call our own?”
“I do, just not yet. I want it to be a proper place for us. It can’t be if I don’t feel like I’ve given my part, Sir.”
“What do you mean by given your part?”
“I want to help out with bills. That still stands. If you want us living together then don’t make me feel guilty or kept. I need to contribute, have my own independence.”
“Are you still worried about submitting to me on the days that we agree to?”
“Yes.” The word is out before I can think it. The caress of the crop has focused my mind on the pleasure, making my answers automatic. A heavy ‘thwack’ sounds and then registers on my bum. Oww! “Sir.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not good at it. I struggle and want to question it as soon as you’re not there. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
“And…?”
“I kept failing at the homework before. I don’t want you to be upset or disappointed.”
“And…?”
“And what?” He hasn’t stopped the action with the crop. Pain, heat and pleasure morph into a lust-filled haze, lulling me into a rhythm that makes it easy to answer. The crop continues to fall relentlessly.
“What are you afraid of?”
“That my insecurities will take over and you’ll get sick of having to reassure me all the time.” My arms shake with the effort of keeping them in place. I want to wrap myself up. I’ve already closed my eyes, finding comfort in the dark.
“I love you, Isabel. Isn’t that enough for you?”
“Yes, it is.”
“But it’s not.” He pauses in his strikes and hits my bum harder than ever, as if he’s encouraging me to speak the words.
“It wasn’t enough for my husband. He said he loved me and still cheated. How can I be sure when I know I can’t do everything you ask?”
He softens the crop, falling back to light kisses. “You are more than enough for me, Isabel. You are everything that I’ve ever wanted. You submit beautifully to me. You’re beautiful and sexy. You challenge and inspire me. I love you. We’re finding our own way, our story, remember. You let me take you to the club and you were so turned on I could barely see straight. If you’re only comfortable submitting while we’re together at home then that is more than enough.” The crop finally rests, but I’m left with a buzzing from my skin. “Open your eyes for me, sweetheart.” I slowly blink them open, but resist the urge to turn and find him with my eyes. I don’t need to. He pulls my chin to the side so we’re looking at each other.
“As much as I love using the crop on you to allow you the headspace to talk, I wish you’d open yourself up to me more freely.”
Tears flood my eyes at his sweet words and I let them fall. No matter my fears, Seb is there trying to lay them to rest. He scoops me up and heads for the bed. “Do you feel better now?”
“Yes, Sir,” I sniffle.
“Did you still get wet for me?” I look up at him, shocked and embarrassed at the same time. His sexy grin spreads across his face and he leans down to devour my lips.
We’ve not escaped the bedroom all day. It’s been wonderful. Seb will be away for several days again next week, but since the episode with the crop, I’m not feeling the same sense of worry.
“Come on. I need to feed you.”
Seb drags me out of bed and covers me in the thick bathrobe. He dresses in his jeans and t-shirt and heads out to the kitchen.
“Sit.” He indicates the breakfast bar.
He quickly busies himself pulling ingredients from the fridge and setting water on to boil. Pasta is a go-to meal and right now that is exactly what I want.
“So, if you don’t want to buy a house unless it’s equal between us, how do you feel about looking for somewhere that we can rent together until we find the right house for us?” I thought we’d been over this already, but apparently not.
“Why do you feel that we need somewhere new? I like your apartment.”
“I like my apartment, too. But I’d like a home with you. I want you to see that you are all that I want. Having something permanent like a house together might help reassure you.” He doesn’t look at me, just carries on chopping vegetables to put into a sauce.
I ponder the idea. Yes, it might be something to look to in the future, but I don’t want him to just buy a solution to my worries. The fact that he wants to is part of the problem. The plus side would be a place that doesn’t have half-naked women draped over the walls in the form of art. This would work, but not just yet. I can’t help but feel bad that Seb is trying to do all of these things to support me and I don’t want them. Getting free of Phil is what I need.
“Izzy? You alright?”
“Yes, sorry. I was just thinking. I’ve been horrible to you.”
“Isabel, you have to work on your self-confidence, there is only so much I can tell you. You need to believe in us. You need to believe in our love for each other.” He comes around the breakfast bar and holds my face in his palms. Why can’t I trust my love for him?
He doesn’t break our connection, and tears prick my eyes. “Tell me why you are crying. Talk to me.”
“I love you. I want that to be enough. I’m just…”
“Phil has a lot to answer for. We need to focus on communication. If you can’t talk to me, it doesn’t matter if you satisfy all my sexual needs. We won’t make it.”
My heart clenches in my chest at his damning words. They stab pain right into my soul. More tears spring to my eyes and my breath stutters. No, that’s not what I want.
“What do you say?”
“Loving you isn’t enough at the moment. I loved Phil. We were married and it still ended badly. Horribly. I feel like you are trying to take control of my life, which I love when we’re in the bedroom together. Outside, it feels like you’re crowding me. I need time to come to terms with our relationship and the failure of my marriage. Moving into a new house isn’t going to solve it.” Hot tears stream from my eyes. Communication has never been something I’m good at, but I have been trying with Seb.
“That’s better, sweetheart.” Seb kisses me and wraps me in his strength. “We can wait on the house, but I do want us to have our own place eventually. I’m so pleased that you opened up.” He begins to worship me with his lips, and it melts away the fear that I would be rejecting him by saying no.
“Hi.”
“Hi, so, how did it go?” Jess is straight in with the questions. Seb is working in his study, so I’m taking the opportunity to talk to Jess about the developments.
“Goo
d. We talked. Properly this time. We’re going to wait on the house idea, and then I think I’d rather rent than buy something straight away.”
“That makes sense. Was it so bad?”
“No. He told me I need to work on believing in us.”
“I could have told you that. I don’t understand it. He loves you and is determined to make you see that.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Well?”
I can see her giving me the eye through the phone.
“Hey, you know I find it difficult. Phil and I were meant to be forever. Even at the end it was a huge deal for me to move to get a divorce. Moving on and putting that much faith in a new relationship… it’s frightening. How do I know it won’t all happen again?”
“Is that what you’re afraid of?”
“Amongst other things. Seb’s going to be away for part of next week. Fancy doing something?”
“That sounds good. Anything in mind?”
“We could go shoe shopping and then grab something to eat. Nothing special, just some time together. You can spill the beans on Greg.”
“I’ve told you, there’s nothing to tell.”
“Well, you’ve been seeing him a couple of months. That’s good?”
“We’ll see.”
I hear Seb come in to the bedroom.
“Okay, I’ll phone you about details for this week.”
“Sure. Behave, and try not to get into any more fights.”
“I won’t. Bye.” I finish the call as Seb appears in the doorway. He saunters over to the bed and perches on the edge. I crawl over to him and wrap my arms around his neck. “Have you finished your work?”
“For now. I’ve been thinking.” Seb brushes my hair off my face and pulls me to sit on his lap. “I still want you as my submissive. I’ll always want that, but I need for you to be confident and comfortable more than I need a submissive. I think you’ll adjust once we’re together with no baggage or worries, and then I can see how far we can explore the sexual element to us. You’ll still submit inside our house, or when we’re together, like at Solace. Everything else can wait.” A concoction of relief and disappointment floods me. I tilt my head and rest it in the crook of his neck.
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