Jolt!

by Phil Cooke

  For thousands of years, athletes have known the power of supportive fans. In the same way, you can rise to a completely new level of performance when you tap into the awesome power of people who believe in your dreams. The great tragedy of personal performance is that few people realize the value of having fans. They have no idea how to build a personal support system that can keep them motivated and enthusiastic when times get tough.

  Certainly there have been heroic stories of people who have accomplished great things in the midst of very unsupportive situations. I’ve met a number of people who have excelled in spite of growing up in an environment of criticism, negative emotions, and abuse. The human spirit is remarkably resilient, and it can rise above poverty, humiliation, neglect, ignorance, and criticism. Somehow, these unusual people have transcended terrible circumstances and achieved success despite their immediate environment.

  But for most people, being surrounded by negativity, condemnation, and pessimism is a destructive influence that’s difficult, if not impossible, to rise above. Time and time again, lives are destroyed and human potential lost from lack of encouragement, help, and support. For the majority, success only happens in an environment of encouragement and love. But most people have no idea how much they can control their environment.

  One of the great secrets in life is to understand that what you desire, you must give away. If you want love, you must give love; if you want friends, you must be friendly; and if you want encouragement, you need to encourage others. Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. If you want a harvest in your own life, you must first plant the seed in the lives of others.

  In this case, become an encourager. Be a cheerleader for others.

  Now we’re going to get serious here.

  Think about your friends for a minute. How many of the people you consider friends really care about you? How many encourage you in your visions and dreams, and how many are there for you when you hit a wall?

  Most people, if they are really honest, would have to agree that a significant number of their friends and associates aren’t really there in the clutch. In fact, many of the people we spend the most time with are actually time wasters who drain us of our energy and trivialize our dreams.

  Take some time and think long and hard about your relationships. Starting today, spend more time cultivating and developing relationships with people who really care about you and your future. People who don’t feel threatened by your success and who genuinely want to see you succeed.

  You don’t have to be cold or rude to the others. Maintain their friendships, but spend your serious time with those who believe in you and want you to achieve your potential.

  True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.

  —EDNA BUCHANAN, PULITZER PRIZE WINER

  I go back to the saying, go where you are celebrated, not just tolerated.

  Good advice. The more time you spend with your personal cheerleaders, the more you’ll stay motivated and energized. Who you listen to matters, so you need to surround yourself with people who fill you with emotional support.

  I also suggest you assemble a small group of encouraging people and meet regularly with them to share ideas and dreams. The writers C. S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien were members of a group associated with Oxford University, called the Inklings. It was a group of teachers, writers, and friends who met regularly at a well-known Oxford pub to discuss passages from their favorite books as well as their own writing. They shared the same moral and cultural values, religious beliefs, and education.

  One of their chief concerns and regular points of discussion was the declining influence of faith within the culture. In 1936, they decided that the world needed novels that used issues of faith and morality as their central themes. Lewis and Tolkien decided to write science fiction, after realizing the poor level of similar stories being published at the time. They literally tossed a coin to decide who would write a book on space travel versus time travel. Tolkien got the time travel nod, but his early efforts with a story never really worked out. Later, however, he would achieve great success with The Lord of the Rings. Lewis wrote his famous series of novels called The Space Trilogy, and from that momentum he eventually penned The Chronicles of Narnia.

  Meeting regularly with good friends is an invaluable source of encouragement and motivation—especially when those friends share your business interests, passion, and expertise.

  Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

  —JANE HOWARD, NOVELIST

  Another reason for cheerleaders is that one person can only carry a burden so far by himself. In the fifties, a young writer named John Kennedy Toole worked alone, writing a novel in New Orleans. He wasn’t a particularly outgoing young man, and he carried the weight of writing and selling the manuscript totally on his own shoulders. When it was finished, he sent it to publisher after publisher, but few even responded. One major publisher initially liked it but ultimately rejected it. With no one to share his frustration, he was finally overcome by rejection, and when he could take it no more, he took his own life.

  Sometime after the funeral, his mother found the coffee-stained manuscript, took up the cause, and became his champion. She finally found an LSU professor and accomplished writer named Walker Percy, who agreed to read it. She sent him the well-worn pages. When Percy read the story, he immediately recognized its genius and recommended it to a major publisher. After its release, John Kennedy Toole’s novel, A Confederacy of Dunces, won a Pulitzer Prize and has been heralded as one of the major novels of the twentieth century.

  I often wonder how things might have been different if that young writer had been surrounded by a group of intimate friends with whom he could have shared his burdens and who would have given him encouragement and love.

  People who could have helped him through the rejection letters from publishers, the challenges of writing, or the times when he struggled to fill the page.

  Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

  —MARK TWAIN, WRITER AND HUMORIST

  Your list of friends could probably use a jolt. Seek out the people who really believe in your potential. Encourage and support them, and welcome their support in return. Spend time with people who energize you, challenge you, and make you better, and cut down on your time with those who drain your energy, time, and talent.

  Friends who will speak positive words of encouragement into your life are more valuable than gold. Treat them with the same care and respect.

  » JOLT #17

  THE FREEDOM OF

  ACOUNTABILITY

  The Secret of Real Independence

  Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.

  —GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, PLAYWRIGHT

  The price of greatness is responsibility.

  —SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL, BRITISH PRIME MINISTER

  Earlier I told the story of a man who spent years wrestling with pornography. I return to that story because it’s an example of a problem that is remarkably difficult to correct. Although most researchers would not consider pornography a classic disease, it can be a legitimate addiction. For instance, researchers have documented the dramatic role pornography plays for career criminals and how it can actually consume their lives. In addition, as with a drug, the porn addict is in constant need of an ever-growing “fix.” What seemed like a fun experience looking at simple pinup shots suddenly demands that he look at more explicit photos, until even hard-core pornography isn’t enough to satisfy his increased desire.

  One man who went through that nightmare and was able to emerge on the other side is a pastor from the Midwest. I met Mike when I did some consulting at a large church where he was working on staff. I could tell he was far more experienced than a typical assistant and asked him numerous times if he
had been a senior pastor before. Finally, after a long meeting, he asked if I could join him for dinner, where he told me his remarkable story.

  Years before, as a young pastor, Mike was making a small salary and couldn’t afford much when it came to shopping for a home. He and his wife finally bought a condo in a less desirable part of town. One morning, while taking out the trash, he found a paperback book sitting next to the dumpster. Not thinking much of it, he flipped it open to discover it was a hard-core pornographic novel. He only needed to read a few lines to see this wasn’t something for him, so he quickly dropped the paperback into the bag and continued dumping the trash.

  But days later, a strange thing happened. Those few lines from the novel he thought he had forgotten came back to his mind. Even then, he didn’t think much of it and quickly thought about something else.

  But the thoughts continued. Days and weeks later, he just couldn’t get those few graphic and explicit lines from the pornographic novel out of his mind. It was like a worm that had dug its way into his brain and just wouldn’t leave.

  Within a few months he began to be obsessed with the thoughts and wanted more. He tried to forget about it, but it just latched on and wouldn’t let go. Then one day he left the church office early, stopped by a newsstand on the way home, and picked up an adult magazine. The desire was being fed. It wasn’t long before his wife went on a weekend church mission trip and he decided to rent an adult video. One thing led to another, and within a year he was traveling to nearby towns to visit adult bookstores. Eventually he gained the courage to visit a “massage parlor.”

  The successful young pastor was completely out of control, and his addiction to pornography was escalating. His habit was costing him upward of one thousand dollars a month, and he became very skillful at not letting his wife see the credit card bills. In addition, he was isolating himself from the very people who could have helped—his wife, his family, and other pastors. Over and over he tried to stop, but the pull was just too strong.

  Finally, he realized it had to end, but the only way out he could think of was suicide. One night he purchased a handgun and decided this would be his last night on the earth. But in the darkness, he somehow found the courage to put down the gun and confess to his wife.

  Needless to say, the confession was a shock. She still loved him and believed in him, but after his explicit description of the lie he had lived during the last two years, she appropriately decided to draw new boundaries on their relationship. He slept in the guest room, and they decided to seek counseling from a trusted and qualified pastor.

  The professional counseling process, getting his spiritual and moral priorities back in order, and Mike’s slow but determined decision to overcome his addiction and get his life back on track is a remarkable story.

  That night over dinner when Mike told me the story of his recovery, the one thing that stood out on his journey back to health and wholeness was accountability. The first thing Mike did was to leave the ministry in order to take the time to work through the problem. The second thing he did was to set up a relationship of accountability with another pastor. He said that without the element of accountability, all the counseling, education, and love in the world would have failed.

  » ACCOUNTABILITY IS CRITICAL IN A DIGITAL CULTURE WHERE INDISCRETIONS ARE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO HIDE.

  Accountability is simply agreeing with a trusted friend who will hold you to your promises—someone you meet with regularly, who knows you intimately, who isn’t afraid to speak the truth in love, who will call you to excellence, and who will force you to stay the course. When I met Mike, it was after two years of accountability and counseling. His marriage was stronger than ever, and he had grown to the point that another pastor had given him the chance to be mentored under his leadership, as the first step of his eventual restoration into full-time ministry.

  The changes you need to make may not have anything to do with an addiction to pornography. (Although for male readers, I would urge you to do a gut check on your desires and feelings in this area. Most of us guys love to see a beautiful woman, and in a society where sexuality is flaunted, it’s often difficult to avoid taking that second look. So it never hurts to understand that, for most males, the potential for sexual blunders is significant, and I would suggest you not only stay on the alert but also keep an ongoing dialogue with your wife or friend about the issue.)

  But even if the immediate changes you need to make are in other areas, accountability is still critical. Find someone you know, trust, and respect. (I say this because if it’s someone you don’t respect, chances are, you won’t take his warnings or advice.) Share with him your desire for change, and both of you agree that you’ll work together to help keep you on the path toward real change.

  TIPS ON ACCOUNTABILITY

  Find the right person.

  It might be your doctor, pastor, spouse, mentor, or a respected friend. In most cases, I don’t recommend someone from the office since the political pressures of the workplace might come into play. You need to find a person who isn’t intimidated by you and who will tell you the truth in love, no matter what. Finding someone who knows something about the particular area you’re trying to change is good. For instance, if you want to improve your leadership skills, your spouse might not be the best accountability partner. On the other hand, if you want to improve your listening, he or she might be perfect.

  Find someone with your personal values. For instance, if spiritual faith is important to you, don’t pick someone who trivializes religion; or if you’re a political conservative, pick another political conservative. The same holds true for a liberal. The point is, you don’t want your time together derailed because of conflicting beliefs or values, so find a partner who shares your personal views on morality, ethics, values, and even political ideals. The purpose of these sessions is accountability, not debate, so you don’t want to waste your precious time arguing about issues that have nothing to do with your desire for change.

  Meet together on a regular basis.

  Generally, I recommend once or twice a month. If it’s a critical change, however, you might want to meet on a weekly basis. Share your progress, ask for insights and suggestions, and be completely open and transparent. No one can help you if you’re holding back, so if you want real change, spill your guts.

  If you want to change your attitude toward people, tell your accountability partner if you’ve been short with an assistant or rude to another employee. If you want to change your time management skills, tell him how many times you were late this week. Your accontability partner can’t help you if you hold back, so give him the information he needs so he can help you progress.

  Probably the best accountability partner is another person who wants to grow and change. I suggest you find someone who wants to change in other areas, but the fact that your partner also wants to change will make him or her more committed and helpful in your situation. Plus, it’s always encouraging when you can help that individual as well, because it gives you both an increased motivation to grow.

  Consider more than one accountability partner.

  I know many executives who meet with a group of two or three people. Too many becomes time-consuming and unwieldy, but multiple members of a group can often bring more insight and wisdom to the mix.

  » A REAL ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER IS A “TEAM MEMBER” WHO’S DEDICATED TO YOUR SUCCESS. PICK YOUR PARTNERS WISELY, MEET WITH THEM REGULARLY, AND COMMIT TO THE PROCESS.

  How long should the relationship last? Technically, it should last until you’ve experienced genuine change. But the fact is, I know many people who started holding each other accountable in a particular area and have continued meeting for years, long after the initial purpose was accomplished. Even after they overcame their initial challenge, they found that meeting with a trusted friend on a regular basis to share experiences, obstacles, and frustrations is a fantastic tool for personal growth.

  Something important to
mention is that outside of a husband/wife relationship, accountability partners should be of the same gender. Intimate details and challenges are often discussed in these meetings, and it’s simply not healthy for a man and woman to share this type of information—especially if either person is married to someone else. Integrity plays an important role here, and you’ll achieve far better results if issues of gender and sexuality don’t play a role.

  Also, when you meet, it’s important to realize the confidential nature of the sessions. This isn’t professional counseling, but it’s critical that each of you is comfortable that what you say will not be passed on to others.

  Finally, understand the critical importance of “confession.” If you don’t share the honest reality of what you’ve been experiencing, then the fact that you meet on a regular basis won’t do you much good. In this case, confession isn’t a religious act, but it is confessing your mistakes, shortcomings, and errors and getting them off your chest. But for confession to work, it has to be real, heartfelt, and sincere. The old adage that confession is good for the soul is correct. The Bible calls it sin, and although that word has fallen out of fashion today, it still is the best term I can think of for willful disobedience, cheating, lying, stealing, or compromising our integrity.

  » PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON’S PHRASE HAS NOW BECOME IMMORTAL:“I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT WOMAN.”

  When we do make those mistakes, there’s something about confession that begins the healing process. Acknowledging our mistakes and sincerely asking for forgiveness will open a door.

  In a spiritual sense, God knows we made the mistake, but getting it out in the open is a major step to wholeness.