by Talty, Jen
“You know that for a fact?”
“She’s on again, off again with some hotshot lawyer that lives in California. She won’t leave Idaho, and he won’t leave San Francisco. I’m the boy toy when he’s not around.”
“That’s sad.”
“It works for me,” he said, his fingers kneading her thigh muscle.
“Because she’s not your only friend with benefits?” Annette choked on the last couple of words. Because of her past, and what her father had almost done to her, and what her late husband had done, sex had become an acquired taste. With Mark, at first, he’d been sweet and tender, helping her get past all the problems that had been created by being the daughter of a rapist and a murderer. However, that didn’t last very long, and by the time she’d become pregnant, she didn’t even like sex anymore.
Having JD’s hands on her body made her think she might really enjoy sex with JD.
“You’re making me sound like I’m a player, and I’m not.”
“But you’re not interested in long-term relationships,” she blurted out. She really needed to learn to zip her lips. Then again, might as well put all their cards on the table. The sexual tension between the two of them was palpable, and the way she looked at it, they either needed to just do it, or get it off the table, hammering it out to the point it was a turnoff.
JD tapped the center of his chest with his index finger. His jaw flexed. “I don’t see myself ever getting married or having kids.”
“Why not?”
Luke had told her there was something in JD’s past, and now that he was sitting there mindlessly massaging her leg, she wanted to know who, how, and when his heart had been broken and if it was so detrimental that he was a lost cause.
Or was he like Luke, and the right woman might turn him around.
As if she were the right woman for anyone.
“Does it matter?” he asked.
If she answered that question honestly, she would be exposing her heart, and she wasn’t sure he was ready for that. But she wanted to know the demons that lurked behind his kind eyes that kept him from living a fulfilled life. “Are you attracted to me?”
He coughed. “I think that’s obvious.”
She shook her head. “Not really. You aren’t an open book, and you send mixed messages. I’m confused by what’s going on with us.”
“You and me both,” he mumbled.
“You know what happened between me and Mark. I know nothing of your past—”
“Oh, I see where this is going.” He waggled his finger. “Someone has been talking to you about Susanne.”
“Who?” She swallowed her pulse.
“Don’t play dumb with me. Your brother must have flapped his big fat mouth.” JD made a fist and smacked it into the palm of his other hand. “When I see him again, he’s going to get a piece of my mind.”
“My brother told me nothing, except that something happened in your past, but like our story isn’t yours to tell, yours wasn’t his. And he left it at that. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to upset you. It’s just that for the last week, you have been by my side day and night. You flirt with me. You kiss me. You told your booty call girl to take a hike in front of me. You are taking care of me and my kid. And yet, you have no desire to get into a long-term relationship. So, excuse me for wanting to understand why so I can decide if I’m going to ever let you kiss me again.”
“Luke really didn’t tell you what happened?”
She shook her head.
“Can we go back outside to have this conversation?” He tugged at his T-shirt. “I’m feeling claustrophobic.”
“You don’t have to tell me the sordid details,” she said. “I just want to understand what’s going on here.”
Once again, he lifted her into his arms with very little effort.
“I really need you to stop doing this. I’m a capable woman.”
“I’m well aware, and in five days, I’ll stop. But until then, consider me your personal wheelchair.”
Oh, she could have a field day with that visual.
* * *
Was he really going to have this conversation?
With a woman?
With Annette?
He poured a tall glass of Jack Daniel’s on the rocks and set the bottle on the table. While all of his siblings generally preferred their namesake, JD always enjoyed a good cab over whiskey, but there were moments in life that required the heavy stuff.
This was one of those moments.
“It’s not even noon,” she said.
“I won’t get drunk, don’t worry, but I need something to take the edge off.” The dark liquid burned his throat, but by the time it hit his gut, his entire body was warm and slightly relaxed. “So, what have you heard about me?” he asked.
“Excuse me?” Annette rested both her feet across his lap. He had a hard time keeping his hands off her, so he didn’t bother trying. “I’m not sure what you mean by that question.”
“No one in the family talks about this, at least not to my face. But I’m sure there are whispers behind my back with some of the help who were here when it happened, so I’m curious what preconceived notions you have.”
“To be honest, the only person who has said anything to me is Luke, but he was insanely vague, but he did say you’d been hurt in ways that most would never understand.” She reached out and cupped his cheeks. “I’ve been hurt in ways no one should ever understand.”
He took her hand and kissed her palm. “I’m so sorry for what your father did. When Luke told me the whole story, I was just sick to my stomach over it. And Mark. No man should treat his wife that way. I hope you know what a wonderful woman you are. And you’re a great mother.” He meant every single word. Annette was everything he could possibly want in a partner, if he wanted one.
“Thank you. It hasn’t been an easy road, and to be honest, I’m struggling right now because I’m so tired of being dependent on people. I wanted this job to be about me and my skills.”
“It is, trust me.”
“Yeah, but right now, I’ve got you babysitting me, and once again, I’m in a situation that forces me to rely on other people.”
“I’ve got news for you; that’s called life. I rely on my family every day. And they on me. It’s why this ranch runs so much more efficiently than other ranches of its size. Family comes first, and we all know that nothing happens in a vacuum.” He swirled his drink, letting the ice clink inside the glass. “But that’s not why we’re sitting out here at eleven in the morning while I drink a double shot of my namesake.”
“Nope. And I’m all ears.”
He took another small sip, drawing an ice cube into his mouth. He sucked on it until it completely melted while he allowed the memories of his life with Susanne to flood his mind. “I do want to put two conditions on this tale.”
“And what might those be?”
“First, you don’t ever discuss this with anyone, ever.”
“My lips are sealed,” she said. “What’s the second condition?”
“When I’m done, you cut my hair. I hear you’re quite good, and I’m in dire need.”
“I can do that.”
“Cool.” He let out a long breath. Time take a leap of faith. “I was once in a serious relationship.” He dropped his head back and closed his eyes. A vision of Susanne danced across his mind’s eye. “I met her my sophomore year at college. She was also a finance and economics major. It was honestly love at first sight, and we were inseparable all through school.”
“How long did you date?”
“Almost three years. We had both just turned twenty-two when she died.”
Annette gasped. “Oh, God. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”
“That’s not even the worst part of this story.” He inhaled through his nose, filling his lungs to capacity. He held the air inside for a good thirty seconds before blowing it out through his mouth. “It’s my fault they died.”
“They?”
<
br /> He focused on his breathing. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to get out all the details without emptying the contents of his stomach. “Can you do me a favor and not say anything or ask questions until I’m done?”
“Yes,” Annette whispered.
He cleared his throat. What he wanted was more whiskey, but that wouldn’t help him when the story was over. All it would do was make him want to take a nap.
Or get into a bar brawl.
“Susanne and I were inseparable all through college. My senior year, we moved in together, and when we graduated, she moved to the ranch with me.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “We moved into what is now the teachers’ housing.” He squeezed his eyes as tight as he could. Crying wasn’t an option. Not this morning. Maybe later, in the privacy of a cold shower. “She’d never been on a ranch or anywhere near a horse before coming here, but she took to ranch life like it was second nature.”
“I know you asked me to wait, but were you married?”
He shook his head. “We were engaged, but she wanted to wait until she lost all the baby weight before we actually tied the knot.”
“Oh, sweet Jesus,” Annette mumbled. “That would be the they.”
“Yes. My girlfriend and my baby girl died.” Now that the story had begun, he couldn’t stop. Even if he wanted to. “We hadn’t planned on having a baby, but it happened, and we were really happy about it. Everyone in the family was thrilled. We decided to get married about a year after when the baby was due. We had a lot of plans. But that was all cut short one night when I wanted to go out and Susanne didn’t. I pushed and pushed. And she caved. That night, on the way home, we passed a young mother in a minivan with a flat tire. I couldn’t leave her stranded there. I mean, if it were Susanne, I’d want some decent person to stop and help her. So I got out and started to change the tire when a drunk driver lost control of his car and plowed into my SUV, pushing it over the guardrail and down an embankment. It rolled three times. Susanne was trapped, and the seat belt was crushing Zannie.”
The last time he’d gone into such detail had been about six years ago in a drunken stupor in a pissing contest with some other drunk comparing sob stories. Since then, he’d kept this kind of emotion tucked nice and neat where no one could possibly see it, feel it, or allow it to be exposed to the world. But now that he’d peeled back the Band-Aid, he might as well just fucking rip it off. “It took the jaws of life to get her out. She had broken bones and all sorts of internal injuries, and I stood there with not a single scratch.” He took a sip of the whiskey. Swishing it around in his mouth, he let the harsh flavor sink into every taste bud, giving him the full effect.
He rolled his neck and stared into the sun, letting the bright rays blind him, wishing they would erase the visual of Susanne’s arm dropping off the side of the gurney while they carried her up the side of the hill to race her to the hospital.
“They were performing CPR on Susanne when they managed to get her from the vehicle. They had to stop loading her into the ambulance twice because she was crashing. And then they wouldn’t let me ride with her.” Tears stung the corners of his eyes, but they didn’t roll down his cheeks. He wouldn’t let them. “JW and Georgia Moon had come out to the scene, and they drove me to the hospital. Hours after the accident, I had to make the hardest decision of my life. The doctors told me that the only chance Susanne had at survival was if they took the baby. Zannie was about seven weeks early, which wasn’t too horrible. She had her own set of complications from the accident, and they felt it was best all around. So, I agreed to it, and it turned out to be the wrong decision.” He downed the final shot and then slammed the glass on the table.
“I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times—”
“If you’re going to say it wasn’t my fault, yup, and you can save your breath, because the entire damn night was my fault.”
“You’re not the one who was drinking and driving,” Annette said with the same stern, motherly tone Georgia Moon would use with him over the years.
“No. I wasn’t. But shortly after Zannie was born. I was sitting with Susanne, holding her hand, begging her to wake up. Telling her how beautiful our daughter was and that Zannie needed her mother and that I needed her to wake up. Out of nowhere, her heart just stopped.” He swiped at his eyes and turned, catching Annette’s kind gaze. “You know that machine that beeps and shows your vitals?”
Annette nodded.
“Just like on television, it flatlined. It felt like it took forever before anyone got to her room, but it was really only seconds. They shoved me out of the way and went to work, but it was too late; she was gone. The surgery to correct the tear in her heart caused by the accident hadn’t worked. I remember sitting in that room with her for hours before JB pulled me out kicking and screaming. But Zannie was fighting an infection, and she needed me, so for the next three days, I sat by her side. When it became apparent that she wasn’t going to make it either, we took her off all the machines, and three hours later, she died in my arms.” JD couldn’t hold it in any longer, but he wasn’t going to sit there and babble like a baby in front of Annette. Carefully, he set her hurt leg aside, and he made his way down the steps. “Give me a couple minutes.”
Jax, his horse, neighed and nodded. JD rested his forehead against the beast’s snout and just let the silent tears flow. He’d learned how to cry without making a noise. Living with your brother forced you to possess such skills.
A warm hand pressed against his back.
He stiffened “You’re not supposed to be walking on that foot.”
“I would call what I did more like hobbling,” she said, wrapping her arms around his waist. Wetness streaked her cheeks.
He ran his thumbs under her eyes. All his defenses began to melt. They rolled off his shoulders, down his arms, and pooled at his feet.
He thought he’d feel angry, like he always did. But instead, he felt a connection, and that he wanted to run from.
“I can understand why you feel you made the wrong decision. This is a totally different scenario, but Luke and I have constantly second-guessed ourselves, and we will always wonder if we could have saved any of our father’s victims.”
“Oh no, you don’t. You were a small child. You can’t take that on.”
Her hands roamed his back, gently massaging the knots releasing the tension. His heart hammered in his chest like an out of control train.
“I’m not. But sometimes it’s hard because hindsight is perfect vision. And sometimes I think about how I should have known what kind of a man Mark was before I got involved with him. I’m not stupid, and I have unique insight, having been raised by a rapist and murderer, so I always think I should have known.”
JD opened his mouth, but she shushed him.
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what that must have been like or what you go through every day.” She flattened her hand across the center of his chest. “But you can’t hold on to it as if it’s all that you are. I watched Luke do that. He blamed himself for Joanie, and all the others, but especially Joanie, and in some ways that got worse when he met and fell in love with your sister. It ate at him and nearly destroyed him and any chance he had with Georgia Moon.”
In a flash of fear, regret, and rage, JD snatched up all the negative energy he’d expelled and tucked it right back into the spot that once carried all the love in the world. Letting down his guard had been a mistake. One that he’d never make again. Anette was a nice woman, and if this were a different time and place, he’d be all in. “I agree, only Luke wasn’t responsible for anyone’s death. Regardless of Luke’s decisions in his first ten years, your father was still going to rape and murder. The night Susanne died, if I had made one of three different decisions, it’s possible my girls could still be alive.” He took Annette’s hand, kissed her palm, and then took a step back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you, and more importantly, I shouldn’t have led you on because I can never
give you anything other than what you describe as a booty call. I don’t do relationships with strings, and I’m not interested in becoming a parent to anyone’s kids, including one of my own.”
“You’re not protecting yourself from pain and suffering. You’re actually perpetuating all the anguish you felt in those moments, keeping it so close to the cuff that it’s slowly strangling you.”
“That’s your opinion.”
She cocked her head. “Why are you so afraid of being emotionally invested in another person?”
“Because I care about you, and I don’t want any more bad things to happen.” He lifted her into his arms.
She gasped. “You blame yourself for us getting shot at? Are you kidding me?”
“No. I don’t blame myself, although had I not shoved you in Ron’s face, maybe some of this conflict could have been avoided.”
“Maybe.” She slapped at his shoulders. “Put me down.”
He kicked open the door and set her on the sofa.
“You’ve got to stop picking me up like that.” She brushed her hair from her face and let out a long breath. “And you’ve got to stop avoiding, changing, and redirecting conversations as well as your emotions. You basically just told me the worst part of your life; you let it rise to the surface, and then the second I tried to get in there with you, relate, share, and be your friend, the wall goes up, you shut down, and it’s like all that emotion just got sucked into the most powerful vacuum. Life doesn’t work that way.”
“Mine does.” He swallowed the guttural groan building deep in his belly. Things had gotten a little too real. It wasn’t telling his story that freaked him out; it was wanting the closeness Annette had to offer and the fact that he knew deep down everything she said was right and that when he was with her, his heart ached to know love again. “And Ellie is exactly my type. I might have jumped the gun on ending things with her.”
8
Annette spent the rest of the day combing through files, looking for clues and avoiding JD. She understood better than anyone that he was burying his emotions. She also knew he’d intentionally hurt her with his comments about getting back with Ellie so she’d back down and leave him alone.