Memorized

by Alyne Roberts

  "I'm sick of looking back," I tell him honestly. "I keep trying to fill in the missing parts, but I can't. I want to move forward. With you." I almost choke with the lie and swallow the sick feeling rising in my stomach.

  "You mean that?" he asks. Beneath the enemy, I see a hopeful and lonely boy who's reaching for affection and love. He's someone who will always need other's confirmation and affection to feel worthy. Too bad it's hidden under a greedy and violent shell of a man.

  "I do," I tell him. My stomach twists with the lies and fear. When choosing to fight evil, it's impossible not come in contact with the devil.

  Noah grins and wraps me up his arms. I gag from the smell of his cologne. His arms feel too tight and hard. His chest is empty and I fit all wrong against him. But I can't run. He'll find me and catch me. I'll never make it out this apartment alive if I try to leave. I know that because I knew it months ago when I went to the police.

  "I love you," he whispers in my hair.

  "I love you, too."

  There are only two scenarios in which I can be free. One is with Noah in prison where he can't hurt me. The other is in my death so I can't speak. I think it's been proven that I don't die easily, so I need to put Noah in jail. I have to do it quickly and quietly. If he finds out what I've been up to, I'll need to disappear.

  When I walk into the cafe, I'm relieved to see Willow behind the counter. She gives me bright smile when she sees me. Her eyes are a bright green but have dark circles under them like she hasn't been sleeping well. She looks stunning in skinny jeans and a simple tee-shirt. I remember how her body looks without all the clothes. It eases my frustration with her.

  "Hey," she says shyly when she hands over my coffee.

  "Hey," I return. "You okay? You keep running out on me. You need to stop doing that."

  "I'm sorry," she whispers. She glances around the coffee shop before leaning over the counter. "We need to talk."

  She tilts her head to the kitchen and I follow, winking at Paige when she gives me a thumbs up. Willow grabs my hand and pulls me into a storage room. Boxes of coffee grounds and Styrofoam cups surround us. There's not much space between the shelves. It's just wide enough for someone to stand. We’re so close that I can feel her heat on my chest as I reach for her.

  Wrapping my arm around her waist, I pull her flush against me. I take her lips in a kiss, letting her feel how much I missed her while we were apart. Willow gasps before wrapping her arms around my neck to get closer. The small space heats with our passion and tension as I pull her bottom lip into my mouth, sucking gently. I'm rewarded with a soft moan that instantly gets me hard. My hands roam up the back of shirt, resting between her shoulder blades as I start to kiss along her jaw. Hands are everywhere as we tear and pull at each other.

  "You better stay still or I won't be liable for my actions," I rasp against her neck. When I lick and bite on her neck, she squirms against me.

  "Wait. We need to stop," she groans. I kiss her one last time, long and heated, before pulling back.

  "What did you need to talk about?" I ask. I almost forgot that was the reason for sneaking back here. Anytime Willow is near me, I forget to use my head. All logic and reasoning dissolves.

  She rests her hand on my chest and bites her lip like she does when she's nervous. I place my hand over hers and look into her eyes. That's when I feel something poking my palm. Guilt crosses her face when I lift her hand to look at the diamond sitting on her finger.

  I drop her hand like it burned me. "You said yes." It's not a question. There's a fucking engagement ring on her left hand.

  "It's not like that," she pleads. I step back when she steps forward.

  "How is it then, Willow? Was it just easier? Were you too weak to give up everything he gave you? Everything he made you?" I spit the words at her with venom.

  "No," she begs. A tear starts to fall down her cheek, so I look away. I can't stand to see her cry when I'm breaking apart inside. "I couldn't say no."

  I laugh but it's hard and lifeless. When I look down at her, I don't even recognize her anymore. The girl I knew and spent the last few months falling for was stronger than this.

  "Right," I agree. "You can't just give up all that money, the apartment, or expensive clothes that line your closet."

  I can never give her what he has and I thought that didn't matter to her. There is a reason she never warmed up to Noah when she returned home. He was never right for her. Willow is either blind or making the biggest mistake of her life. The worst part is, only she can save herself from all of this.

  Disgusted and hurt, I turn to leave but she grabs my shoulder. I stop but I don't turn around. I can't make myself do it. The hurt and guilt in her face is burned into my mind and will never go away. It's already too late for me now.

  "I just need some time," she whispers. "Please."

  "Time for what, Willow? To decide? I can't give that to you. If you don't see by now how wrong he is for you and how right we are, then you never will."

  I sigh and fight the urge to turn around when I hear her cry. My chest feels like its being torn open.

  "I can't let you hurt me," I tell her. "I'll never let it go."

  "I don't want you to get hurt," she chokes.

  I pull the door open and leave her in the storage closet. I don't stop when she calls my name or when Paige gives me a questioning look. Willow’s wearing his ring. She promised to marry him and become his trophy wife. That's not a scenario that I fit in to. I'll never be able to stand by knowing he gets to touch her, kiss her, and see her every day.

  I leave the cafe, swinging the door open too hard. I need to get away from her and everything that reminds me of her. The last few weeks play out in my mind like a movie being rewound. Every passionate kiss, heated look, and deep confession. Just when I was starting to see the future—our future—she burned it down. I never allowed myself to feel hope or daydream before. It was dangerous when I was always being dragged backward.

  It's widely believed that falling in love is similar to being high on cocaine. Research studies actually find that the brain releases dopamine and norepinephrine that give you that rush and euphoric feeling. The brain's chemistry when falling in love is almost identical to the effects of being high on cocaine. Both give you that feeling of floating, heightened awareness, and sexuality. But cocaine is illegal and bad for you.

  When we are growing up, we are told falling is love is the best feeling in the world. Finding that person you are perfectly matched with makes you happy. They don't tell you the crash and hurt you feel when it's gone. Like the drug, it's hazardous and shouldn't be done unless you are prepared for the pain that follows. The downfalls aren't worth the rush, and the pain of needing the next hit will ultimately destroy you.

  I head to the gym, ignoring the rest of the guys already working out. I don't even bother taping up my hands or stretching. I find my favorite bag set up in the corner and hit it with all my strength. I'm angry and taking it out on my body. I'm mad at myself for being so foolish and letting myself fall into that trap. I'm angry with Willow for being blind and not taking what she really wants.

  I keep punching until my body feels like it's giving up. Sweat pours down my chest and back. My knuckles hurt and are swollen but the empty feeling inside still lingers. Willow's face when I walked away appears when I close my eyes. When I grunt from the impact of a punch, I hear her moans from when I touched her. It's all too much and it will never go away.

  I don't bother showering and leave the gym. I feel myself slowly detaching and closing in on myself. I never realized how alone I was before I let someone in. My life was confined to a small circle before I opened to allow Willow inside. Now that I've seen outside, it's depressing crawling back inside.

  "Landon," I hear behind me. I slowly turn to find Noah Banks leaning against the wall of the gym. His suit is perfectly tailored and his shoes shine. He stands out in the neighborhood consisting of mostly college housing. Everyone here is scrapp
ing to get by and living off mac and cheese. Noah screams wealth and privilege.

  "What do you want?" I say through clenched teeth. I just spent the last few hours punching an inanimate object. A few more punches wouldn't kill me. It would actually feel good to hit the person most of my hate is for.

  "I want you to stay away from Willow. Stop bothering her," he tells me. He kicks off the wall and crosses his arms.

  "Bothering her?" I laugh and he stares, not finding the humor. "That's interesting. I really don't think I bothered her at all. In fact, she liked it." It’s immature, but I want someone else to feel a fraction of what I'm feeling.

  I see the muscles in Noah's jaw moving and his mouth is in a tight line as he stalks over to me. "Stay away from her. She chose me. She's going to be mine."

  "She's not a doll," I bite out. She's not property that he can claim and dress up how he wants.

  "She chose me. Don't make a fool of yourself. Willow took my ring and said she wanted to move forward. With us."

  His words hit me in the gut and I flinch. Those were her words. They may have been slurred and encouraged from the alcohol, but she said them to me. Willow was done looking in her past and just wanted to move forward. The next morning, she gave herself to me. I thought she wanted to move forward with me.

  I laugh dryly and walk away from Noah. I would leave Willow alone but not because he threatened me. I would do it because it hurt too much to see her, even in my memories. She chose him, even if it was the wrong choice. I couldn't chase her down and force her to see the mistake. I couldn't handle any more rejection.

  I keep walking and hear Noah get into a car behind me. When the car passes, I freeze. It's the black car I've seen several other times. I recognize the plates and dark tinted windows. It's possible it's a car service, but I don't believe in coincidences. Noah probably knew all along about Willow and I. What kind of man follows his girlfriend around?

  I shake my head and turn into the bar. Willow made her choice and it wasn't me. Aaron's eyes widen when he sees me sit down at the bar. I shake my head at him, telling him not ask. He nods and serves me whiskey. I swallow it down, enjoying the burn as it slides down my throat. The glass is refilled when I slam it back down and I repeat.

  I don't stop until her face in my mind is blurry. When her words are foggy and I almost forget how good she tastes, I give in to the blackness. My mind goes blank and I finally forget.

  I am a disgusting and vile human being. I look in the mirror and make myself sick. I'm so fake that I feel like I'm made of cheap plastic. My face hurts from the forced smiles. My heart hurts from the lies. My mouth burns from the poison I let come out of it. Willow Thorne is a terrible person.

  This apartment is a prison. It's actually suitable that Noah gave it to me as a gift. His gifts come with chains attached. I'm marked and surrounded by his ownership. Every piece of jewelry or clothing I wear ties me to him. The platinum chain necklace around my neck is really a collar for Noah's leash. The ring on my left hand is an anvil weighing me down.

  The worst of it is that I miss Landon. He's on my mind every second and it's a constant struggle to keep from running to him. When I'm scared and lonely, I want the only person I know who will chase away that pain. I know that I can't go to him though. It's too dangerous and I know I've hurt him enough already. After months of working myself into his life, I ruined it all in just a few minutes.

  I just want to see his face and hear his voice. Landon stopped coming to the cafe. Paige says he sometimes stops for his coffee when I'm not working. She tells me he looks like hell and I know I'm to blame for that. I'm sure that the heartache and pain he feels is nothing like what I feel. Even Noah's hands and words aren't as painful as being away from Landon.

  I hear my front door open and know Noah is here for breakfast. I haven't eaten all week since I came back to him. He doesn't notice though. He doesn't notice the weight I'm losing, the gray color of my eyes, or the fake smiles. For Noah, everything is back where it should be. He thinks everything will go back to normal and I will never remember his secrets.

  "Hey, honey," he says when I join him in the kitchen. "How did you sleep?"

  "Fine. Thank you," I lie. I haven't slept.

  Noah moves around in my kitchen like he owns the place. Well, he does so that makes sense. I'm the visitor. I don't belong here.

  "We should be done next door soon," he tells me while he chews a piece of melon. My stomach rolls. "The penthouse will be ours."

  I beg the muscles in my face to move. One more fake smile will do. "Great," I say. He hasn't asked me to move in, he just assumes.

  "I will be glad to finally have you to myself," he says in a low voice. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be sexy and seductive or threatening. I feel nothing though. No fear, excitement, or love. He makes me feel numb.

  "I can't wait," I say. My voice sounds flat; I might as well be a robot. Noah is either oblivious or doesn't care.

  "I have a late delivery tomorrow night that I should be at. They are laying the marble in the lobby, so I will come over when we are done, okay?"

  "Sure," I agree, this time with a real smile. It feels so good to finally mean it.

  I know he's lying and it's the moment I have been waiting for. For the past three years, I listened to Noah talk endlessly about his business. Countless dinners were spent pretending to give a crap about the progress of another hotel or office space they were developing. In all that time, I learned a thing or two about the process. Which is how I can spot the lies.

  The lobby floor is always the last thing to be completed. The concrete is there, but you don't put expensive marble down before painting. The floor would be destroyed if workers were going to be trampling all over it with dirty boots and equipment. They don't even have the dry wall up in most of the building yet.

  Noah smiles and kisses me on the cheek. I try not to cringe when he touches me. "We should go away this weekend. Maybe go to New York?"

  "That would be great."

  "Okay, I got to get to work," he says. "Love you."

  "You too," I mumble as he closes the door behind him.

  I won't be going anywhere with Noah. I'm running out of time. I still have so many unanswered questions. Tomorrow night is my only chance to make this all end. I'm not good at lying, and I can't keep up this act much longer. Noah is so distracted trying to act like nothing is wrong that he hasn't noticed how unconvincing I am. He already doesn’t trust me, so it's only a matter of time before he sees right through me.

  I sit out on the balcony and write in my journal. Even if Landon never reads it again, it's all here for someone to read. The memories are coming back freely, like a floodgate has been opened. I know I'm getting closer to the truth about what happened to me. I remember most of the evidence that I passed over to police. The one piece I'm missing is the flash drive. I don't know what was on it, but I feel like I need to find it.

  My intercom rings so I head back inside to answer.

  "Miss Thorne," security answers. "There's an Aaron Presley here for you. He has your repaired computer?"

  Shit. "Send him up please."

  I wonder how long before Noah finds out I have a visitor. Hours? Will he connect the last names? I'm in panic by the time I hear the knock at my door. Noah will ask questions and I'm running out of the will to lie. It's like I'm in an hourglass and the sand is slowly filling up. I'm running out of time, drowning in the sand as it trickles in.

  Aaron stands in my doorway, computer in hand. He gives me a smile full of pity. "I thought you might want this back."

  "Thanks," I say, waving him inside. He shouldn't stay long.

  "Are you okay?" Aaron asks, tilting his head to get a good look at me.

  My hair is probably greasy and tangled. I'm in a pair of shorts and a tank top that I've been wearing for two days now. I haven't slept or eaten, so I know my face is dull and sunken in.

  "He doesn't look much better," Aaron whispers as he puts a hand on my shou
lder. I almost double over with the guilt that punches me in the gut.

  If I weren’t so dried out, I would start crying. Aaron must see the agony in my face because he swiftly pulls me into a hug. I crumble in his arms. It's been a week since someone touched me in a comforting way. Noah places his hands on me to possess or to scare me. Every day, I long to be wrapped up in Landon's arms.

  "You should leave," I mumble into his chest. He smells too much like his brother and it's tearing me half.

  "Willow," he sighs. "You are miserable, he is miserable. What is the point in all this?"

  "I don't want him hurt," I answer.

  "He's hurt now."

  I nod and back away from Aaron. "Please leave."

  When he sets the computer on the table, my legs want to run after him. I want to beg him to take me to Landon and keep me safe. I want to forget everything I've been spending months trying to remember. I don't want to know what it is that I need to do. I don't want to know secrets that will get me killed. I was better off never knowing what happened in my past.

  The door slams behind Aaron and I crumble to the floor. Landon may never understand why I pushed him away. I couldn't have Noah going after him if he thought I was unfaithful, or worse, that I knew the truth. I was wrong to envy Landon's ability to memorize it all. I would gladly forget it all if I could.

  I don't bother to pick myself up off the floor. I drift in and out of sleep for most of the day. The nightmares and staying up all night catches up to me. When the pink tint of sunset fills the living room, I drag myself off the floor. I cook dinner and drink a bottle of wine to myself. It's the calm before the storm. I feel the electricity in the air, warning me it's coming. One way or another, I need this to end soon. I just pray it's not too late for Landon and me.